To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

Patrick that comment isn't really very helpful. Imagine being brought up by a mother like this? He will be deeply affected by her temper tantrums and nastiness. He will have learnt as a child to keep very quiet when she's having one of her meltdowns and unfortunaltey that kind if behaviour won't easily changed. He may need professional help.

The OP needs to be strong and stand up for her children today.

Nasty horrible cow. The Father Christmas thing would have pushed me over the edge I'd have been furious ....it will when you find out she tells the other 6 year olds there is no Santa at school today!!

Stop letting these things happen....

"No I am collecting her from school today. End of."

Do you rely on her for any childcare because if you do I'd try and change that for sure.

And yes husband needs to grow a pair and support his family.

That sounds like a good idea, Aussiemum. It's easy to make kneejerk decisions immediately but the repercussions aren't always obvious or lead to good outcomes. The Father Christmas thing is horrid, but it's done. There's no getting it back. The only thing to do is follow the line that other parents take when this is inadvertently blurted out, 'magic everywhere', etc. There's a thread about it here.

You do need to present a united front with your husband and as you're a team that means that you both need to protect both of your children. It wasn't for your son to step in or feel the need to, he's 10.

The only people who can take this forward are you and your husband and you need to decide how you're going to do that together.

OP. I'd have been livid!

Good post lying, completely agree.

I agree with everybody else

Just one observation though .It seems strange people are more outraged at disabusing the child of the santa myth which is actually a lie, than telling a Catholic child that Jesus is 'imaginary' !! Even atheist scholars concede that Jesus, as a person, did exist.

Perhaps so many posters are using these terms to describe DH because of:
1.) his failure to stand up for and protect his child from harm. That is a huge parenting failure.
2.) his failure to support his wife when given information about MIL deliberately hurting his DD. That could be a relationship breaker.

A 10 year old boy knew when to step in and defend his mother. That says a lot about him - and when contrasted with DHs behaviour it says even more about DH.

Yes, I'm sure this woman was probably a crap mother with DH if her current behaviour is anything to go by. He's probably got a lot of issues. However, that does not excuse or make acceptable his current attitude when he knows MIL is going out of her way to not only be cruel to DD. Nor does it make his "just let her do what she wants" attitude when there is clearly a risk that MIL will continue to hurt DD and screw her up in the same way.

He needs to start acting like a father who puts his DDs well-being first. And that is leaving aside the horrible treatment of DS.

OP - you came on here for reassurance that you were not being unreasonable. I hope there has been some small degree of comfort in all the support you have been given and that you can find the strength to make a stand against this toxic woman. You've clearly done a great job in raising your DS, who sounds like a wonderful boy and you must be very proud of him. At 10 he has more courage and compassion than DH.

Shes a prize cunt isn't she. Im enraged on your behalf and your h what a dick. I would not let her take your dd.

I would go nc and if h doesn't like he can go and live with the old witch.

because father christmas only gives to nice children it's likely that mil never got any presents as a child hence why she doesn't believe. I like that answer. We are going to a carol service with my mum tomorrow, then having mince pies and making decorations. I'm hoping that will make DD feel a bit more christmassy.

Fatima, no that wasn't me.

MIL doesn't have a key thank fuck.

I'm going to have a word with MIL once I've calmed down, atm it would just be a long rant full of swear words and insults which whilst tempting wont really help, plus I don't think I trust myself not to punch her just yet.

DH is usually supportive until it comes to his mum, he can't see what a bitch she is, everything she says about parenting is automatically right even though imo she didn't do half the things she should have, I mean they were well fed, clothed and sent to school but never played with, read to or encouraged/praised and she often tries to make me feel silly for the extra little bits I do like building a fort in the living room or camping in the garden with them or the little good luck notes I put in DS' lunch box when he has a football match. Its like she wants DH to think I'm stupid so he doesn't ask why she never did those things.

Trouble is he cant hear any criticism of her without getting really cross and retaliating by slagging my family off about stuff that has fuck all to do with anything, like my mum being fat or my Dad not being able to read very well, or accusing me of thinking i'm so much better than her.

You are so much better than her!

She sounds like a woman who treasures material possessions, hence the "taking to see Santa and reindeers has to be better than local church hall" and thus resents the fact DD prefers one over the other. TBH it sounds like her parenting was crap. It's certainly not resulted in a DH who can look objectively at the situation or who can see how her behaviour has a hugely negative impact on his DC.

His reaction is to slag off your family???

Okay, that's another step too far. So he doesn't stand up for DD, or DS or you when MIL abuses you and "retaliates" by slagging off your family???

Seriously, this is not a supportive man. His behaviour is attempting to normalise MILs and that will only result in both of them screwing up your DC. Please do not allow this to happen.

Oh my god. Your latest update has enraged me even more on your behalf!! If he's accusing you of "thinking you're so much better than her" it's because either MIL or DH (or both) have thought it. Fucking HELL, I would have a very serious think about how you move forward from this op - the situation you've described is bad enough, but your "D"H's overall attitude is disgraceful.

He can see 'what a bitch she is'

He just can't deal with all that would come with admitting it.

I been reading your post OP and I think you may have hit the nail on the head there.

I think your MIL can totally see all the little extra naturally loving things you do with your dcs and whether she knows it or not she feels it highlights her own emotional failings. I think your dh can see it too but it's all buried so deep they don't want to even listen to their own voice so shout and ignore.

My BIL had a strange upbringing. His mother was the 'perfect' mother. Church goer, academically pushy, great at keeping up appearances, well fed and clothed children, but BIL says he can't remember being played with, any meaningful family time, any fun...no funny family stories. It's only since he met my dsis and our family and realised how different it was. BIL is now in his 40's and has problems with anger, alcohol and depression. It's only beginning to come to the surface with him I think and he hasn't even begun to sort through it all. Hopefully he will.

I think some hard conversations need to be had with your dh and your mil. Stand up and say it's out of order. She can't bully you unless you let her. Xx

Ah so he turns it into a 'You have a go at my family so I'll have a go at yours ?"

I would be having a VERY serious chat about this, if my MIL spoke to me like or criticized my parenting to DH like yours did, she'd have been given short shrift pronto.

Here's the idea how it should be.

A colleague of mine was married 3 years ago, I was around one morning at a weekend when I heard his mother complaining he never did anything for her anymore (they had been married 3 weeks and she started to kick up a song and dance about being the number one woman in his life as she was his MOTHER. He stopped her and said 'Mum, I'm married now, Mrs X is my wife now and she is the number one priority and woman in my life.'
Colleague said she fell in love with him all over again on the spot :)

He should be supporting you in ALL ways, and I couldn't respect any man that would not stick up for me being called 'stupid' by anyone.

Actually ....just re read your last post and he sounds like a 'chip off the old block' to be honest.

Your husband sounds mean, but I suppose it's easy to tell where he gets it from...

Just wanted to add my dd is nearly 10 and only this year has said she doesn't believe in Santa (with a wink!). You'd dd has been robbed. I think with some clever white lies you may be able to save it.

He normalises her behaviour to protect the little boy he was from the terrible realisation that his mum didn't give him the kind of childhood his children can have, and that he should have had, the one he wanted, with a mother who properly loved and cared for him. He won't acknowledge that fact as it would be far too painful.

He cowers because that is the behaviour he learnt as a child and the dynamic he follows now. The status quo is safe and he knows how to behave to preserve it, so that is what he does.

Doesn't make it right, not at all, and he needs to be made aware of the fact that he is damaging his children - does he look at your son as his? Because if he does he should have been livid with his mother for that blatant rejection of his child - and ruining his chances of a healthy relationship with them.

You will need to be firm with him. You will need to disengage from your MIL.

I am shocked. How awful! Poor you and poor DD.

Give me her number, I'll deal with it

I am absolutely shocked at your mil and at your h.
To all those saying he doesn't feel able to stand up to her because he's been bullied his whole life by her, does that still fit with him being perfectly able to tell his wife it's her family that's wrong, and she's stupid for things like notes in lunchboxes?
He's perfectly able to stick up for himself, it seems to me that he actively agrees with his mother

You sound absolutely lovely, op, with very good instincts.

I have nothing to add to all the good advice here, but wish you all the best. Your children are lucky to have you, but you are going to have to be very brave and strong and consistent to kick out/make up for that dreadful woman and to help your dh recognise and change (if possible) his whole mindset.

Your posts resound with love and understanding of your dc. It appears neither your dh or mil have either.

Thank you for all the comments about DS, I am extremely proud of him, maybe I should get him the pet snake he's been after as a reward, it would stop MIL ever visiting my house again

I don't use MIL for any regular childcare and i have my parents and enough brothers and sisters that I'll never need her to babysit.

Knowing other people would be just as angry helps loads, DH is so convinced I'm being unreasonable that I was starting to doubt myself.