To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

By the sounds of him the penny has not dropped yet that you are serious and that you won't put up with MIL's behavior anymore.
First it was everyone else's fault, you and DD were "over-reacting".
Then after you spoke back to mummy dearest, he went into a sulk.
Then he left.
Presumably you were meant to have caved by now. Holding onto his ankles begging him to stay and profusely apologising to MIL.
He doesn't want to deal with what his mother is doing, he wants to sweep it under the carpet (and for you and DC to continue to take whatever crap she decides to dole out). To him this is normal. And he probably doesn't want to admit that it isn't normal, that his family is disfunctional. That's also probably why he is so nasty about your family, because on a level he knows that his family is disfunctional and your functioning "normal" family makes it more obvious. But he is living in denial and any assault or perceived assault on his "denial bubble" is going to be met with anger (hence him being nasty about your mum's weight or your dad's reading).
Hopefully he realizes that, going on the way he is, is cutting his nose to spite his face.

I would start with 'X hurt our children. That is NEVER ok. Not from a stranger on the street, and definitely NOT from family. She chose to hurt our children, so how is it not her fault?'

Bramwell

7 years she has been bullying you and he has let her.

She has said vile things about you, & your DS's conception.

[It's not MIL's fault]

[You need to calm down]

[He can't live with someone 'so weak and pathetic']

I don't see how you can come back from that tbh.

Keep this in mind...

I know that he absolutely has my back. I know that I am, without a doubt, the most important person in his world and he in mine (obvs DC too)

See that is what I want, someone that makes me feel like that

You will NEVER have that if you take him back. If you don't, you have a chance of having that with someone else. You are young, really young, too young with far too much of life ahead of you to settle for this.

I am sure your mum means well, but I guess you protect her from the vast majority of your mil and DH's behaviour. She wants you to be happy and often the status quo seems the best way of achieving that, if you don't have all the facts. But sometimes, often times in fact, it's better to go through the hard bits to get to a much much better future.

It's your life and your decision, but there's not a hope in hell I'd have him back.

[im sorry you went through what you did with someone who was trusted to help you at a bad time in your life xx. I'm sorry that it's caused issues for your DS too and all the aftermath. You've been through a lot.]

I'm quite surprised that MIL refused to allow her son to stay.

Glad things are going well for you. I think you need to decide what you want and take it from there. You are doing well. So if emotions hit you, don't be surprised.

Good luck with the interview this week too x

I think you should make a list of everything she's done and give it to your dh, and then ask him if he thinks you should calm down!

Idiot he is

mintyy reported your post...

To MNHQ: I'm not sure if the post mintyy's referring to was deleted or not...but surely repeating the post in her own 'I'm going to report you' post defeats the objective.

"I'm quite surprised that MIL refused to allow her son to stay."

But that would involve her thinking of someone else/acknowledging consequences.

Wonder what her son thinks of it though?

even so, it's not just that he's ok with him mum being a bitch to OP. he's not averse to being nasty to her either!

I am not surprised MIL has turned MB (Mummys Boy) away.

It is the sort of thing my own totally narc mother would do and has done. She winds people up to breaking point, dripping poison,and then when she gets the result she wants, she sits back and enjoys it, but distances herself from the explosion - see, it's nothing to do with me.

My own DM has repeatedly done this and sometimes switches sides if able.

This way MIL has got what she wanted, but doesn't have to provide any physical or emotional support to MB. She can sob to all her "friends" and extended family about how badly it is all affecting her but in reality it hasn't changed much for her has it? Other than the satisfaction of fucking with your lives.

I totally agree chipping your title, 'being sat on the sofa AGAIN crying because MIL is a cunt, and DH is a spineless little mummies boy' says everything. seven years of this, this is not a ine off but gas been happening all that time. Seven years of your mil being horrific to you op, and about the way which ds was conceived but about your horrid ordeal,and spineless DH doing nothing and blaming it on you. He is still doing that now calm down it's not MIL fault, says everything. You have had years of thus and have reached the end. You seem so much more happier without him this weekend, you çoukd do what you want, and have the Christmas tree and deck you wanted. Most if all I get it was nice not having to deal with him and his toxic Mum. I personally would kuck him to the kerb, but the decision is up to you.

So... He passed the blame to you when talking with the children? Oh dear, you are in for a bad one. Good parents keep the children out of it, he is not only playing the victim to his mum, but now is doing so to his children.

If he starts saying lies and bad things about you to the children, be prepared to intervene. I used to get ballistic about it, what my exh didn't understand was that since he refused to meet DS at all, I was the only adult DS could fully trust would be there for him. By trying to destroy that trust he had on me, exh was leaving DS with nothing.

But it goes both ways. Don't talk bad about their parents to them, or to other people when your children can be listening.

I really can't believe your husbands spineless comments blaming you.

I think reading between the lines, he preyed on you as a young woman as he saw you as vulnerable and possibly weak so he didn't think you'd rock the boat too much for his dysfunctional family situation, although the situation was probably better back then as his dm was abroad and still married to fil.

It does seem as tho he's hoping to control you tho. I'm guessing he's a bit older than you too.

Bram, you are far stronger and more mature than your dh will admit. You're definitely stronger than him. Your dh is a very weak man and frankly you deserve better.

I agree Binary. Another one here wishing you all the very best Bram. I'm in awe of your parenting skills, the fact that you've overcome so much adversity in your life and your generosity of spirit.

You sound intelligent, warm and resourceful. You've obviously grown up in a loving family so you have the strength to deal with the difficulties you're currently facing. Please don't think you have to settle for this rubbish (all of it: him, his toxic mother, etc). YOU hold the best hand. He's the one on someone's sofa. Let him stew there for as long as he fucking likes. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other; it will get easier, I promise.

I'm so wishing & praying that your job interview is a success and agree with pp who pointed out that you gradually becoming more I independent & successful in your career would have caused problems in your relationship with him.

Yes...what Chipping said.

How are you feeling today, Bram? Are the children okay?

How is everything looking this morning Bram?

I'm doing really well today thanks, well apart from trying to write the essay from hell. The kids are ok, DD needed a little reassurance last night that we both still love her but seems to be taking it surprisingly well for a 6 year old, DS hasn't spoken about it at all and is his normal self but he's going out with 3 of my brothers after school and he always tells them everything, even when he doesn't want to talk to me, so I'll get a full report from them later.

You sound OK, and strong,

Glad ds has people he talks to, that's worth its weight in gold.

Looks like your doing just fine without him. I think each day that passes without him makes you how horrid the situation is, and how shoddily he treats you. It sounds like your family are giving you the support that he should.

Glad it's been a good day. You sound pretty relaxed. Great to have your family around you, they sound brilliant.

It's funny how your ds has more guts in his little finger tip, than h in his whole body. The very person who should be supporting you is not! You are getting strength from your dcs and family, not him! Your right he is a spineless little mummies boy!

It sounds like he has lived in a dysfunctional world where everything is ok, if he keeps his mother happy, and makes sure everyone else keeps his mother happy.

And now, out of his own home, with his parents divorced, his mother with a new man and not wanting him on her sofa he may be realising that this template that he has built his life around is a pile of rubbish. If he has any sense. If not, it may never happen.

for you

Definitely Aeroflot - shows how brilliantly op has done with bringing him up. He's an absolute credit to you Bram.

Bramwell it surprises me not at all that mil has not taken in your dh. It looks like she is just happy to have stuck her oar in, upset dd, and you, and even her own son. But she is not taking responsibility for it , 'it's not her fault' -so she can just sit back and watch everyone running about, because of her. Plus, dh would get in the way at hers! She doesn't want that! She just wants to be in control of everyone's feelings - at the moment, impotent rage, (you) sadness (dd) and F.O.G. (dh) . she must be loving it.

DS has said he misses DH a little bit and feels sorry for DD as he knows what it is like for Dad not to be there but that me and my brothers are all he needs, which has made me cry more than anything else that has happened.