To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

Regarding sore lips - you need something different when they are already sore either the Carmen or the blistex ranges - boots, superdrug, Tesco etc. all sell them.

Hope you're still feeling strong.

Your DS sounds brilliant.

for BramBoy!! And for your supportive brothers.

too! chocolate or coffee or carrot or lemon? :)

DS actually likes carrot cake best which is odd as he avoids anything else which contains vegetables (or he thinks he does, I have a blender and some very creative recipes)

I didn't get the job but otherwise today has gone well, DD saw a Father Christmas today, not my Dad but DD announced he was a pretty good fake, (thankfully she saved that gem for once she was away from the other children) and she's been skipping around being overly cheerful since I picked her up.

DH has text saying he can see what I'm pissed off about but that she's his mum and standing up to her is hard, he's asked if he can come round while the DC are at school tomorrow so we can talk. Not sure what I want to say to him/what I want him to say yet but have agreed to talk.

OP can I suggest you meet him away from home?

Of course it's hard, he's right.

As I said unthread, he's been conditioned his whole life to accept her shit and won't immediately possess the skills to recognise and deal with her abuse.

You've only got to read the numerous, NC threads to see how hard it is to face up to what's actually happening and then stand up to them.

I would write down how you feel, make points so you don't forget. At least he is beginning to see things from your perspective, yes Mabey meet in neutral territory. Good luck for tomorrow, and don't loose sight if yourself.

Woud you consider not talking, so much as listening?
I think if you give him enough rope he will either do nothing but justify himself and his mother or he will be apologetic and suggesting ways you can move forward.

Yes you cannot go back to the way it was, either he apologises and grows a pair, and starts to respect and value you, or he still defends his mother.

And it's the end.

Please meet elsewhere, really not a good idea to meet at your home at the moment.

Can you make up a reason why you're going to be the other side of town, and suggest a cafe?

Can recommend the PNP website for messages from Father Christmas... definitely brings some magic!

Yes, meet in neutral ground. Coffee at a cafe, anything but at home. Just tell him outright, cafe or nothing.

Listen, but listen with a sceptical mind.

He's really fucking blown it and imposed on you a long, long long time in expecting you to accept his mother's behaviour.

So standing up to her is hard? What about being in the receiving end of all that abuse? Give it another few days before talking to him, he needs time to think about how he manages his mother's aggressiveness further.

Definitely neutral ground. Is there anyone who could go with you and keep a safe distance whilst you talk? Don't feel that you have to talk to him ATM - just do what is best for you.

Sorry to hear about the job, but hopefully you will be able to use the experience to your advantage. The next one won't be so nerve wracking!

DH has text saying he can see what I'm pissed off about but that she's his mum and standing up to her is hard, he's asked if he can come round while the DC are at school tomorrow so we can talk

Sounds like an admission she needs standing up to.

I think that's hopeful

He could have said "I see what you're pissed off about but she's pissed off too" or some such nonsense but he didn't.

This is where I would set boundaries and pursue some counselling. I can't imagine carrying on without either TBH

I would try to do counseling if at all possible. Maybe hearing how destructive his mum is, from a professional, would help.

Op, I take my hat off to you. You went through something terrible when you were just a girl and still became a loving and consistent mother. Good on you and then some. I hope you have a lovely bright shiny Christmas with your fabulous DC.

Why do I need to meet him away from home or take someone with me?

Therapy/counselling isn't really an option for me, because of DS' father, logically I know that's really stupid but that doesn't stop the flashbacks or the panic attacks.

I will suggest to DH that maybe he needs some to help him deal with MIL but I cant really insist on it when its something I'm not prepared to do.

You and he are an entirely different set of problems. YOU need a PTSD counsellor; HE needs a counsellor who can help him realise what sort of person his mother is, and how not to inflict his issues on his family (probably a relationship counsellor). The two are not interdependent in any way and your reasons for not seeing one should have zero bearing on whether or not he agrees to see one. If he tries to say that they are the same, then that again just shows you how poor his understanding is of any of this situation.

See him away from home because it maintains boundaries, it also means he's less likely to try and sweeten you up or for you to end up in bed together, which he would take as tacit acceptance that everything is back as it was and things can carry on as before.

Taking someone else with you would be so there was no "he said, she said" scenario; or if you were at all afraid of him (which I don't think you are).

In all honesty, I'd make him sweat a couple more days - why should you jump to it when it's convenient to him? This isn't a game - but there are things that will help this go the way you'd like it to, and one of them is to make it harder for him to come back than he expects it to be. THAT means not being available whenever he decides he is ready, but setting your own schedule.

It's up to you, of course - we can only offer advice, and it's entirely your choice to accept it or not - we're still here to help and listen :)

I did think about letting him sweat a few more days but the kids break up for Christmas tomorrow so today is the only day we can talk without them knowing before Christmas

Hi Bram The reason so many of us are suggesting you meet him away from home is because we suspect he just wants to "Press the reset button" and get you to go back to how it all was before, which suited him.

If you meet away from home you are

1. Setting a boundary
2. Forcing him to view you in a different light than as "homemaker Bram" I would suggest meeting him somewhere you have never been together before.
3. If he gets angry when you tell him you aren't going to calm down and let CUNTMIL stamp all over you you can just walk away without further risk of confrontation in your home.

I really hope it goes well for you.

Everything little says. Neutral ground is much better.

There is a great distance between you and him now; created by his mother and his inability to handle her. He's chosen to walk away from you.

Meeting in a neutral ground makes it clear that the relationship has changed. You had to manage on your own without him and you are standing up for yourself. As you said in your OP, "It's making me question if I want to be with him any more".

Neutral ground marks that line out. Right now, the main hope of anyting coming right with him (if you want it to come right with him) is to make this a turning point. Having him back at home - well, it's familiar circumstances, it's the old status quo, it's easy to slip into the strong patterns of olf thinking.

As little says, it sets the boundaries and it also enables you to walk away more easily if the discussion becomes unmanageable.

Exactly Meerka I totally agree. Mabey go out have a lunch or drink together and chat then. Yes you have done a very brave and courageous thing, defending yourself and your dc from years of not being supported, probably painted as the bad guy against MIL,whilst he chose to walk away, keep that with you. If you do decide to give things another go, ensure that first he will live and respect you, by defending you, if not and he still professes MIL has done nothing wrong, that's it! Keep to a standard tgat you will not fall below, these days without him have shown you a different life tgat you could live without him, a stress free life, it seems a happier one without the toxic behaviour of his mum and his inability to defend his family.