To be sat on the sofa crying again because MIL is a cunt and DH is a spineless little mummy's boy.

[BramwellBrown]

Sorry long but it doesn't make sense otherwise and I don't want to drip feed.

MIL has spent the last 7 years bullying and belittling me at every opportunity and can be really spiteful.

MIL decided she would take DD to visit a different Father Christmas this year, one of the expensive ones that has a petting farm with reindeer, DD loved the reindeer and said he wasn't a bad Father Christmas as it goes but his grotto wasn't as good as the 'real one' I usually take DD to at the church fair, where FC knows DD's name and asks how her dog is etc (and is my Dad). MIL 'oh for goodness sake you're 6 any normal child your age knows the truth by now, that grubby church hall your mum takes you to isn't real either, there's no such thing as Father Christmas and Christmas is just a made up load of commercial rubbish celebrating the birth of an imaginary baby.' DD is really upset and doesn't even want her advent calendar because she says there's nothing to look forward to now, I know DD was likely to find out the truth about Father Christmas soon and fully expected this to be the last year she really believed in him but I'm furious that MIL would be so spiteful as to tell her like that or imply there was something wrong with her for not knowing and can't even describe how angry I am about the rest of it, I'm Catholic.

MIL then came round yesterday with a huge shopping bag of sweets for DD and none for DS as hes not DH's biological son I told DD to pick 1 for her and 1 for DS and I'd put the rest away for later, MIL starts on about me being mean and ridiculous, part of childhood is eating sweets til you feel sick I mentioned to MIL how upset DD is and MIL started screaming in my face and calling me stupid, DS tried to stick up for me but DH didn't say a word, then this morning MILs just text saying shes picking DD up from school at 3.15, I've said not today, she sent back 'it wasn't a question'. as it happens DD has a school play this afternoon so I will already be at the school (MIL was invited before the argument but school plays are boring) So DH and I have started the day on an argument because I asked him to have a word with his mum and he told me to stop winding her up.

AIBU to think its not I'm winding her up, she's just a cunt and that if DH loved me or had any respect for me he'd step in occasionally, I don't want him to go NC or anything but the odd 'Mum, that's enough' would be nice, I wouldn't let my parents treat him like this and its making me question if i want to be with him anymore.

Exactly MrsMot you said what needed to be said, you haven't got his support or respect. He still thinks it's all your fault which speaks volumes. It's up to you of course to decide. I would calmly talk to him and tell him how it is!

If after tge talk, you are still at square one, you can do it on your own girl!

yeah, "it's not MIL's fault" means that there isn't much chance of anything changing in his approach :s

It is probably worth thinking seriously about how you might cope in the long term without him; Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

Poor other-DD :( I dunno. I reckon if you're old enough to get it up and sire a baby you have a responsibility to him or her. It being a one-night stand - well, the contraception was half for him to be careful about.

(I'm basing all this on your assessment that he is under the thumb rather than nasty)

He will quite possibly bite your hand off for the chance to be on a supportive 'team' with both of you 'handling' MIL together, IF you can phrase things diplomatically.

Google non-blaming language. One link here;

www.kidsinthehouse.com/all-parents/partnerships-and-marriage/building-strong-partnerships/how-bring-conflict-non

Of course - "calm down dear" get back in your box, accept it's not MILS fault and we can all go back to how things were............Lovely!

Just de-lurking to express my admiration for you OP. A genuine tiger-mother.

Sadly MrsMot I think you may be right, it does at least suggest hes thinking about the DC though.

I think i need to give it a few days then try ArsenicSoup's approach and see if he's any more reasonable, maybe a few more days on a mates sofa with MIL not helping him will make him think a bit differently about her.

He hopes you'll calm down so you can talk???

Holy crap, he really is a twat.

How long will your friend let him stay for?

Second arsenic's approach. But it's a worrying response, isn't it.

Yes give it a couple of days, talk using Arsenics guide and take it from there.

Bram, sadly I haven't had time to battle with every post, but I would just like to tell you that I hold you in very high esteem for your poise, you have not "fallen" into the sad bitching on this post.
You have had a horrific deal & I believe you are a stunning example of people have been hit hard at a terribly young age, You love your kids & don't accept them being damaged by bitch mil or any other person on God's earth.
Go girl .... big kiss, & you know that you do not need to accept MIL's bullying or OH's lack of spine

Giving him the botd he probably means in a few days when you have forgotten MIL is a cunt and it isn't MILs fault she's a cunt she can't help it or more importantly he can't do anything about it.

So yes, leave it a few days and thrn take arsenics suggestion of united front.

And hold on to the father christmas thing. How is that not her fault?!?

Obviously he is not at all ready to face up to the problems with his mother, for whatever reason, and is hoping you'll join him in brushing them under the carpet too. What he said is code for 'I'm not giving an inch but you give up all this nonsense and I'll come back'. It could be that he has deep seated problems to deal with on this issue, but it is now his responsibility to do his best on that front and if it can't be done, that is sad but not your fault. The alternative, that you and your dc continue to be mistreated, isn't an option. Well done OP, it sounds like you're doing really well .

Sorry to read his latest actions.

I think you really need to think about what you want. So if he comes back to you in a couple of days trying to come back, I think you need to make some clear boundaries.

He needs to understand that MIL will never be allowed in your house or access to you DD. And that he needs to seek therapy as to why he allows MIL to treat you so badly and why he excuses all her behaviour. This has to be done with him not being at the family home.

Clutter if pigs could fly, I don't think this will happen. He wants op to apologise for her 'dreadful' behaviour and get back in her place!

He doesent think its MIL, so it's obviously op! It's not his other dd fault she was conceived, he should at least try and build a relationship with is other dd, unless he doubts her paternity. Then he could have a DNA test to be sure.

clutter a bit extreme and unlikely to happen IMO.
But Mil needs put in her place.
Hopefully godfather is telling dh that ruining christmas out of petulance crosses a major line.

My mum also told my dcs he didn't exist but got the death stare from me

And retracted it very quickly. The kids soon forgot because it didn't suit their narrative

Well. He screws you over to stick up for mummy dearest, who won't even give him a bed to sleep in in return.

Hopefully it will give him something to think about. Time to question who deserves his love and loyalty.

I don't know about you, but I'd be cracking some small smile at the thought of him on someone's sofa because the person who can do no wrong in his eyes won't even put him up.

I had a bf many years ago, he had parents like this, he had 3 brothers, & all of them were in a tryst when it came to the parents, they would never make a stand, the eldest had a stutter (that was mainly present round them) the others had various weird peculiarities... they are still shackled when in presence of the parents...incapable of saying "enough"... they are now between 60 & 52 yrs old..... it won't change

Hi Bramwell, have read the whole thread and just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing woman!
When your 'D'H accused you of being weak he was clearly projecting- on a subconscious level he is aware of his own patheticness but he can't deal with it so he projects it onto you.
Don't let him, stand firm, you're brilliant and your kids sounds awesome. Protect all 3 of you from this crap.

I like minklundy's explanation - yes, it isn't entirely MIL's fault she's a cunt (she's probably done it all her life and been let get away with it) but that's no reason that you need to put up with her being a cunt.

"calm down" - really?

He's not covering himself in glory here, far from it. So far, in his head, it all comes down to:
Your DD over-reacting
You over-reacting
Him leaving because he can't cope with the over-reacting and conflict

At no point will he accept that MIL has had anything to do with it. HE has had to put up with his mother and accept her the way she is all his life, and he won't understand at all why you and your DD shouldn't just do the same.

You need to MAKE him understand why her behaviour is unacceptably reprehensible, and if he can't, then the order of the Boot is the only other sane option.

Really. He chooses to go and 'not man up' and still tells you to 'calm down'. It is your life, however, this is not on. I would expect him to be apologetic. Not defensive and pour the blame on you! It really highlights how he cannot (or will not) address his issues with his mother. These are deep seated issues/conditioning....the person he left you for....the person who said 'no' to letting him stay when he left....says it all really!

You can't make him understand her behaviour is unacceptable, you do not have the expertise to do so, nor do you really have the time, and your priorities are (and should be) otherwise.

You can require that he sees someone professionally to help him sort out his priorities, a counsellor, who would be qualified and who would have the expertise to encourage him to see his way through this.

Yes Jux is right - it is unlikely that you personally will be able to make him see how wrong his mother is; but you can certainly encourage him to seek professional assistance to deal with the issues he has with her. Ad then if he refuses to even consider it, you again have your answer - he will not compromise nor attempt to change his outlook, she certainly won't change, so the only thing you are left with is to get yourself and your DC out of the toxic situation.