How long did it take you to get over a serious infatuation?

[muntermonster]

Have avoided becoming involved with someone totally unsuitable (friend and colleague) by refusing to see him, asking him not to contact me, unfriending him on FB, etc. Nothing ever happened between us except realising we really like each other. It's been nearly 3 weeks since going no contact and I still think of him every waking moment. How long does it take for this daft sort of infatuation to subside? Writing this I realise it hasn't been that long, but seems like months rather than weeks. Feel like a dumb teen.

So, serious question (because I can't get my head around it): what's your explanation for why your immediate reaction is the soppy grin?

brokenhearted sorry to hear :(

pompodd stupid bloody infatuation! Majestic put it nicely above. There is a part of my brain that doesn't realise that this man is not an appropriate target for my affections.

We need a "fight the infatuation" support group! I'm not talking about mine because it is too embarrassing. But..... do need to re-train my mind!

You know you can block someone posting on your Twitter right?

Perhaps it would help your infatuation to put yourself in his wife's shoes. Your fellow female. He is getting his kicks over pursuing someone else. Lovely man that. So attractive. Not your fault of course op, but that's how it is.

Feelings aren't always rational. You can however control how you act and what you do on them. It's exciting knowing someone wants you. Probably exciting knowing they have someone but want you. Livens up the work day. Maybe even makes you feel special.

Honestly though op, if he wasn't pursuing you, it would be someone else. He is probably most amused about the effect he has on you. Laughing to himself about how you are sooo nuts about him you have to take him off your facebook.

The infatuation I believe stems from him giving you something you need. Work out what that is and find it elsewhere. This man is bad news.

Even starting this thread is keeping the infatuation going. Not saying you shouldn't have done, it's up to you what you post about. Just it won't help to put him out of your head.

I bet he would love to read this thread

I've been through many. The first and most painful was for about 7 months after one afternoon date with a bloke I didn't really know when I was 16. After that was my second boyfriend who dumped me. I was obsessed with him for months until the next came along. Then the next and the next. I always fell really deeply and got consumed. Now I wish that I'd been more independent, but I loved disappearing into a separate world. I think it goes together with a tendency for obsessive thoughts, low self-esteem and drama queen tendencies. My god it is painful though. I recommend mindful meditation to try to stop the obsessive thinking. Off to search for limerence. Could have helped me years ago.

muntermonster you sound really lovely and like you deserve a hell of a lot better. I hope you get it.

Can I ask another question? (If it's not helping to think about it more and answer do just say so of course!) Is there anything he could do (within reason) that would make the infatuation go away? Or is the infatuation almost in spite of him?

Er...another question. What would you say to your daughter/son if they were in the same position and infatuated with someone who was "bad" for them?

Agree with all of that, Celestria! Some very wise words indeed. I do realise I could block him on Twitter, but you manage to identify the reason why I'm reluctant to do that ... having already blocked him on FB, it would give him the message that he's so hot, I can't even bear to have him tweet at me!

Will try to focus instead of getting this sleazy aspiring adulterer out of my mind ...

pompodd The infatuation is in spite of him, I think. I have recently ended a relationship and am dealing with the aftermath. Married crush is a nice distraction. I guess that the infatuation would wane if it became obvious to me that he was targeting other women the way he is targeting me - that would cancel out a lot of the sense that I have been singled out as especially desirable. But it's even irrational of me to say this, because I do strongly suspect that he does this to other women! The way in which he began to pursue me was (in retrospect) so single-minded and determined - it wasn't just a case of him happening to find himself attracted to me in the course of innocent friendly/professional encounters - that it seems implausible to think that he hasn't had practice. I know that I would feel like shit if I gave in and slept with him, and made myself his bit on the side. So the best I can do is to keep him at arm's length and wait for this silly feeling to subside.

As for what I'd say to my daughter or son ... what a nightmare! I guess I would point out why the person is inappropriate/undeserving, point out the ways in which becoming involved with them would make my son/daughter feel worse in the long run, try to find distractions, and keep them under lock and key so that no undeserving person can ever get their hands on my darlings

Ok, I think I get it more now. But...if a huge part of this man's attraction to you is that he makes you feel desirable at a time when you are dealing with the aftermath of a relationship ending, surely that means that, at its heart, it's a question of your self-esteem? Because it's almost like you fixate on him (even though you know you shouldn't) to help prop you up?

Why do you think he has this effect on you but wouldn't on other women not including tinks42 who presumably would just terrify him? What makes you different?

pompodd I don't think I have a self-esteem issue. Being made to feel desirable is nice at any time, not just at the end of the relationship. I think it is more that he is a distraction, as I said above. Sometimes when I'm lying in bed and find myself thinking about him, I stop myself and try to think of something else instead ... and I end up thinking about all the crap at home I have to deal with (e.g. juggling childcare and working full time), which makes me feel stressed, and then I realise that thinking about him is a way of taking my mind of that sort of thing. I'm also aware that something similar happened before: at the end of my previous relationship, which also had a fair bit of fall-out, I developed a huge crush on someone unsuitable/unobtainable. It only stopped when I met XP. So it might be that the infatuation is actually playing a helpful role by making it a bit easier to get through a difficult period of my life. From that perspective, it is a positive thing. It is only negative in this case because the unsuitable man in question knows how I feel and he feels the same way and is trying to make something happen (in the previous case, the guy I fancied did also fancy me, but he had no idea I fancied him).

Some of that goes some way to answering the questions you asked in your second paragraph - but I also think it's not possible to provide a full answer to those questions. Why is it that, in general, a man will be attractive to some women but not others? Biology? Compatibility of immune systems? Shared interests? Could be any number of things ...

I agree that being made to feel desirable is nice at any time. In fact, it's probably necessary for all of us most of the time because we are social animals.

I suppose I'm asking why you think it is that, in your case, the object which you have fixated on is one that you know is bad and wrong for you. When you're lying in bed at night you could presumably fixate on any number of things - your childhood, solving Fermat's last theorem, what it would be like to have superpowers, etc etc etc. But you instead want to focus on something that is wrong and bad for you (but which has the positive effect of making you feel desirable at a difficult time).

I'd question, incidentally, whether the infatuation really is a positive thing as you suggest if it makes getting through a difficult period a bit easier. From your posts it sounds like a fucking nightmare!

I really hope you get beyond it quickly.

the object which you have fixated on is one that you know is bad and wrong for you

So, the main reason that he's wrong for me is that he's married. But I wonder whether I deliberately focused on him because he's unobtainable. The big crush I had at the end of my last relationship was similar - he wasn't married, but he was basically an old man So in both cases it's been someone that I can fancy but know (on some level at least) that I wouldn't really want to become involved with. Maybe I'm trying to tell myself that I want to feel all the normal romantic feelings but that I'm not yet ready for a relationship? I don't know.

Yeah, I also hope I get beyond it quickly, whatever 'getting beyond it' might involve! :)

Have you posted about this before? Seems familiar.

You need to block him on twitter.

I think you will eventually end up sleeping with him and your excuse will be that you just couldn't help it.

Just reading the title brought back the pain and it was 12 years ago. It took 5 years to stop thinking about him everyday. By which time I'd married someone else. Now I have three children I wouldn't leave for him but he is still the most i have ever loved a man. And he isn't an arsehole.

What's killed my current infatuation stone dead was him not coming to my aid when I was poorly at work!! Thank goodness - it's been a very challenging time, lust is an extremely powerful emotion. And I can now focus on my marriage.
You will get there OP, just don't do anything daft. You've got over previous infatuations, and you WILL this time too.

I think you will eventually end up sleeping with him and your excuse will be that you just couldn't help it.

I think this reveals a lot about you but nothing about me, Tarka

Ok tough love now (in effort to help cure you) - I refer you back to your post of Sun 30-Nov-14 09:12:43: He's married. OK. HE's MARRIED. He's flirting with you and he has a wife. If you encourage him he'll cheat on her. Then probably cheat on you. Find a nice available man. Stop encouraging him. In fact tell him to pxxx off. Ask him how his wife is. Ask him if his wife is on Twitter. Is his wife on Twitter? He's married. He belongs to her. She's stuck with him. You are free - at the moment.

No , I trust you will not sleep with him munter.

I have had a fair few crushes in my time but only one " Thunderbolts and lightening" infatuation where a guy really took my breath away, and it was mutual and not acted on.

I still he him occasionally, he is married and I sense he feels the same way about me, but the feelings are not based on us really knowing the other person, more I think a case of being caught in a loop and a sense of " what if".

I know that if my crush were ever to be free to have a relationship the chances of it working out between us are very slim as we are poles apart in terms of personality, values hobbies and so forth.

The only cure for this type of infatuation is time. It hurts like hell; it eats away at you and consumes your every waking moment ,but it passes and you will find a new distraction.

Thanks :)

Fifty you're right -but I'm really not encouraging him. Since asking him not to contact me the only time I've initiated contact has been a work-related email, on which other people were copied. I've been reasonably curt in reply to his twitter questions. Even his tweets to me are quite sterile and definitely non-flirtatious (he's realised that's unwelcome, at least) - perhaps that's why he's decided that it's ok to ignore my request not to get in touch.

Yes, I'll find a nice available man ... eventually. I think I'm probably not ready for another relationship yet (which, as I said above, might be why I've chosen an unobtainable man to fixate on!)

I've been reasonably curt in reply to his twitter questions.

Or better yet, don't reply at all. And block him from your Twitter.
Half-measures don't work in these situations, munter. Any engagement, even "curt", is holding the line.

This is a public forum is it not. I gave my opinion and it still stands, it's called emotional immaturity no matter how you dress it up. I have said what I have due to doing the same (when younger) Now Im older and wiser Im telling you the truth that you don't want to hear.

I have said what I have due to doing the same (when younger)

Perhaps you might consider the possibility that people are different, and that what applied to your own case may not apply universally.

OP, I found this old thread on similar theme which might be of interest:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1597718-I-have-a-crush-I-think-its-mutual-Were-both-married

I don't think it possible to rationalise about why we have crushes they just happen without reason.
Don't try to justify your feelings, just accept that sometimes we feel an attraction and cannot act upon.