How long did it take you to get over a serious infatuation?

[muntermonster]

Have avoided becoming involved with someone totally unsuitable (friend and colleague) by refusing to see him, asking him not to contact me, unfriending him on FB, etc. Nothing ever happened between us except realising we really like each other. It's been nearly 3 weeks since going no contact and I still think of him every waking moment. How long does it take for this daft sort of infatuation to subside? Writing this I realise it hasn't been that long, but seems like months rather than weeks. Feel like a dumb teen.

How about you thinking that this showed you you are a sexual gorgeous being then Hesay? How about thinking that he didnt deserve you?

FWB is all about the men unless you are very sound in your own sexuality and want it because you just want a fuck. He is never going to do a 360 degree turn around and decide you are for him. Your "womanly wiles" will never work, you will knock yourself out, for what? a shag? really?

A couple of years, but it's gradual.

I get what you're saying there Tinks. If we slag them off - they have power over us. We can decide not to get involved, not to allow them to continue to influence our lives. Take the power back. Ultimately if it was right, you'd be with them.

Thanks tinks that's a really great way of looking at it!

Deciding that they lack the qualities to make them likeable, and that they're not appropriate companion material has to be an important step in putting them in the past though.

Really, though, read up on limerence, it's so helpful to understand that infatuation can be a physiological trap... And you feed it by thinking about them, and you can notice these thoughts coming and consciously start thinking about something more healthy.

I don't feel like slagging off my unsuitable man. I am a bit besotted even though technically I shouldn't be (he's far more straight-laced than I usually like, he doesn't have my sense of humour, etc). I can't quite get around his pursuing-a-new-woman-before-ending-existing-relationship, which in my relationship universe is unforgivable ... but I guess I'm of the 'walk a mile in someone's shoes before you judge them' kind.

It's just quite alarming to me that completely cutting off contact has had absolutely no impact on the amount of time I spend thinking about him. I'm taking comfort from the words of a friend of mine, who pointed out that things would be a whole lot worse if I hadn't cut him off - but still, I'm far too 'into' him for my liking. But at least I'm the one in control, since I'm the one who set the boundaries ...

When next with your "fixation" do an exercise purely for yourself... sit there, say nothing, let them speak (or spout about them) and really really look at their gestures, hear what they say and see what they do... bet theyre not what you want. They are what you think you deserve, then ask yourself why you feel you have to be an underclass.

You want someone who cherishes you, treats you with respect, values you, sees you as an equal. Does he do that? If not - can't you see that you do deserve better?

Its not about "power"... a healthy relationship, whether it be with a girl friend or a partner, its about caring. If the other person doesnt reciprocate then its unhealthy and you need to go.

Brokenhearted, in the nicest way possible way i really want to slap you You can't make anyone "want" you back...

????? so whats wrong then brokenhearted? you make it sound great, why isnt he with you then? He isnt with you because "he" doesnt want to be. He isnt with you exclusively because he doesnt want to be. There is no rhyme nor reason to it sometimes. He just isnt that into you. If youre fine with that then so be it. If not, find someone that is.

He is not giving "YOU" what you need.....

I'm 2.5 years in. In that time I've reunited with DH and had DTs; I can't believe I still think about him. He was also a monumental arsehole, and often when I think about him I feel sick about how gullible I was and how much he lied to me, but in the words of Wendy Cope -

I can’t forgive you. Even if I could,
You wouldn’t pardon me for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot cure myself of love
For what I thought you were before I knew you.

This is actually making me cross.... Oh I love you so, I cant be cured.... you dont want to is the answer, you want to wallow... get on with it.

Ultimately though, what you want is a relationship. Whatever the reason, however you rationalize it, he isn't giving you that. So he can't offer you what you want.

Its a place for everyone to have a voice of course.

Do you really want to be a mug?

Tinks I think you're overcomplicating things a bit ... the fact is, many people (maybe even everyone at some point in their lives?) find themselves extremely attracted to someone they'd rather not be attracted to, and perhaps even to someone they can see is 'on paper' not especially desirable. It doesn't necessarily entail a deep-rooted sense of unworthiness. It's just that it's not the intellect that makes decisions about who is attractive and who's not - it's the heart, or the hormones, or the genes, or the genitals, or any number of other non-rational capacities.

Ok then, its great that you cry, its great that you have loads of angst its great that you beat yourself up that you cant have someone, who am i to say its not... enjoy!

Brokenhearted I do feel for you. It sounds as if you're existing in a sort of limbo where this man is giving you just enough to keep you hoping, but not enough to give you what you want. That's really tough. Whilst, as I've said, I'm in an annoying state of infatuation at the moment, I've found in the past that the 'cure' for the sort of situation you're in is finding someone better and realising how good it can be. I hope you'll at least be open to that possibility and are not closing yourself off to new opportunities. Or else, I hope that this man does something that completely kills your feelings for him soon!

Ok then, its great that you cry, its great that you have loads of angst its great that you beat yourself up that you cant have someone, who am i to say its not... enjoy!

My point is not that any of this is great. It is that the solution may not always be reflecting on one's own sense of self-worth.