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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long did it take you to get over a serious infatuation?

201 replies

muntermonster · 29/11/2014 17:34

Have avoided becoming involved with someone totally unsuitable (friend and colleague) by refusing to see him, asking him not to contact me, unfriending him on FB, etc. Nothing ever happened between us except realising we really like each other. It's been nearly 3 weeks since going no contact and I still think of him every waking moment. How long does it take for this daft sort of infatuation to subside? Writing this I realise it hasn't been that long, but seems like months rather than weeks. Feel like a dumb teen.

OP posts:
discophile · 03/12/2014 22:31

Loafers - ha ha ha. Just fuck them then! I like the Diana Ross "If there's a cure for this, I don't want it". Love Hangover. Sigh!!!

Tinks42 · 03/12/2014 22:37

I dont actually like the new Cheryl single particularly but I do like the sentiment Grin

muntermonster · 03/12/2014 22:39

tinks what do you think I've changed my mind about?

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 03/12/2014 22:44

I still think of him every waking moment. How long does it take for this daft sort of infatuation to subside? Writing this I realise it hasn't been that long, but seems like months rather than weeks. Feel like a dumb teen.

You went from that to this.....

I know I can have him if I want - he's made that clear. There is one pretty big reason why he's attractive to me (which I don't want to go into for fear of making us both too identifiable), it's just that he's unattractive in many ways too, including being a bit sleazy. And if I'm honest, it's flattering that he can't leave me alone

errrr.... forgive me if i think that a bit strange?

Tinks42 · 03/12/2014 22:58

Of course you can have him.... for one night, he will shag you and leave, then play... if you can't get over that this man is a knob, you need to look at yourself very closely to see if you also have that same trait. Normal means you notice someone is an arse and run.

muntermonster · 03/12/2014 23:03

I don't see anything obviously contradictory in those passages you have quoted. And normal sometimes involves being attracted (annoyingly!) to someone when you ought to know better. That's no doubt why they say that love is blind.

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 03/12/2014 23:13

whatever OP.... love isnt blind, love is about two people really caring for each other deeply. So i wouldnt actually use that word where this is concerned. Its called emotional immaturity as I said before. There are books out there that you could read?

Fiftyplusmum · 03/12/2014 23:18

Tinks you just don't seem to get it. Just because you haven't felt this way, it doesn't mean that the feeling is immature.

Fiftyplusmum · 03/12/2014 23:19

I'm not advocating that OP acts on infatuation. Just saying it is possible to understand infatuation.

Angleshades · 03/12/2014 23:29

tinks why the aggression? Op hasn't said anything offensive but you're becoming more offensive by the post. Your advice is very cutting and you come across as bitter rather than helpful.

Angleshades · 03/12/2014 23:51

Muntermonster of course it is normal to develop an infatuation and lots of people do in lots of different circumstances. I actually think you're being pretty strong for not succumbing to the crush and just going for it with your colleague.

To get over the infatuation quicker you do need to cut all contact with this guy and throw yourself into something that will distract your mind. Failing that the infatuation may just burn itself out anyway and you'll be glad then that you didn't act on it.

Another option would be just to enjoy the crush for what it is - a crush and nothing more. It makes you feel good about yourself so why not enjoy it from that angle. Just try not to get to deep with it if you can help it which is easier said than done.

beaglesaresweet · 04/12/2014 00:20

disco so why wouldn't you take it further?

Suzannewithaplan · 04/12/2014 01:51

I'd never heard of limerence before...I'm glad it's not just me!

pompodd · 04/12/2014 08:45

I'd not heard of limerence before either; it's a very interesting idea (though I appreciate that for those in the grip of it, it certainly won't feel like that). That said, I'm a bit sceptical about giving feelings and emotions like this a clinical name because it tends to suggest that the "victim" is in some way helpless in the face of the condition.

Speaking as a man (and reading the experiences on this thread that have been shared) I feel very sad that the women in the grip of the infatuation don't seem to be able to move on with their lives. It's almost like the infatuation is, in a strange sense, a "safe" place to be. Muntermonster admitted above that in a sense she is flattered that this guy - who she also describes as sleazy and unattractive - can't leave her alone.

Which makes me think that at the core of the issue is self-esteem. Lots of people have infatuations and crushes (I did when I was younger). The thing I find hard to understand is how the person can rationalise that the person they are infatuated with is unattractive, sleazy, not right for them etc. but still be in the grip of the infatuation. Doesn't the infatuation in the "normal" person disappear at the point the reality of the person's inappropriateness/unattractiveness become known and capable of being rationalised?

There's also what seems to me to be a really tragic consequence of this as well. Again, speaking as a man, a certain amount of vulnerability in a woman can be attractive. It can bring out the nurturing and protective instinct in men that society conditions us to conceal or only display in very "macho" ways. But a woman who appears very vulnerable and lacking self-esteem is, I think, for most well-adjusted and decent men not an attractive trait. I can't really explain that. Maybe it has something to do with men choosing a potential mother for their children and valuing a certain strength and resolve in the potential mother. That might be evolutionary nonsense. But there is a sense in which I think lots of men feel that. So the tragedy is that a woman who has such low self-esteem is not as likely to be attractive to well-adjusted and decent men. The opposite, in fact. She's likely to be attractive to men who are not well-adjusted and who have very poor attitudes towards women. So it's a horrible vicious cycle. I'm sure this works the other way around, incidentally, it just probably plays itself out differently given our society is patriarchal and favours men and their feelings, wants and desires.

Reading that back I don't mean at all to criticise the women who have shared their experiences on this thread or somehow suggest that they are not attractive. Sorry if it comes across that way.

muntermonster · 04/12/2014 10:14

Tinks I think I have been very polite to you, but I'm actually finding your posts quite offensive and disrespectful. Throughout this thread you have said to various people that their feelings for others (i.e. whoever they are infatuated with) reveal that they think a certain way about themselves (i.e. they have low self esteem, think they don't deserve any better, etc). You have persisted with forcing your 'theory' on people even when they have told you that you are wrong, or offered their own interpretations of their situations. Even if you had any empirical evidence whatsoever that your interpretation is correct (which I'm guessing you don't, since you've never offered any!) it would be highly inappropriate for you to discount people's own accounts of their own feelings and to insist that you are right about them. (I'm not saying that people can't be mistaken about their own motivations - but (a) you can't possibly be sure of this from a couple of internet posts and little background history, and (b) even if they are wrong, this doesn't entail that you are right.) Who do you think you are to tell people that they are wrong about the way they feel about themselves and others?!

OP posts:
muntermonster · 04/12/2014 10:20

Doesn't the infatuation in the "normal" person disappear at the point the reality of the person's inappropriateness/unattractiveness become known and capable of being rationalised?

No. Just, no. Being able to 'rationalise' feelings doesn't automatically make them go away. In some people it does, but not in all cases. There are zillions of example of this, not just in cases of infatuation. E.g. -

I want to stuff my face with chocolate.
I'm able to 'rationalise' my desire to stuff my face with chocolate by recognising that I get a sense of comfort from eating chocolate.
Despite this, I still want to stuff my face with chocolate.

I feel like I'm worthless.
I'm able to rationalise my feeling of worthlessness by recognising that it's caused by my being neglected as a child.
Despite this, I still feel worthless.

Etc.

Many forms of psychotherapy aim at enabling people to explain their troublesome feelings in this way, but the explanation is an eraser for the feelings. Often the most you can hope for is that it makes the feelings easier to cope with.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 04/12/2014 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MajesticWhine · 04/12/2014 10:47

muntermonster very well articulated. In other words, we do not always connect the rational with the emotive. The brain developed through evolution not by design, and so it doesn't serve us well in this respect, because thoughts and feelings are not always in sync. We have large evolved cognitive function, or new brain, which can work out the "I'm not really worthless, it's just because of how I was treated", but the old brain, which governs emotions, can feel out of kilter with this. By the by, this is why the cognitive aspect of CBT, using thought to change feelings, doesn't always work as easily as people might hope.

I haven't seen much evidence in your posts munter that indicates a serious problem with your self-esteem, or that you are "emotionally immature". In fact by not falling into temptation with this married man, you are showing a certain level of self-respect, self-control and maturity. I don't know why we succumb to infatuation, (I have problems with this) and I suspect the reasons are a bit more complicated that tinks suggests.

Suzannewithaplan · 04/12/2014 10:48

?I find that focusing on the various ways that 'he done me wrong' helps to kill off my feelings.
Sometimes I can let go very quickly, other times it takes a few months to feel neutral about a person. ?
?

muntermonster · 04/12/2014 11:04

Thanks Majestic

Suzanne, I've been trying to put a very similar plan into action! Every time I find myself daydreaming about my married crush, I remind myself that he's actually a sleazy guy desperate to cheat on his wife, that he's ignored several requests from me not to get in touch and that in a way he's being quite predatory, that I'd never be able to trust him as a partner, and that there are several aspects of his personality that are quite childish. Hopefully the 'old brain' will get the message eventually Grin

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 04/12/2014 11:24

?Munter, I've struggled more if a relationship has been physical and that aspect of it was especially compelling, in those cases I think I was in the grip of an oxytocin mediated enchantmentBlush

In the absence of consummation I think I'd tell myself that the sex would in all likelihood turn out to be awkward and disappointing.
I guess I'm just old and cynical now?:o

muntermonster · 04/12/2014 11:50

Hahahahahahahaha Suzanne Grin

I think that sex with my married crush would probably be terrible. He is far more straight-laced and immature than the men I usually fancy. None of the fiery passion that exists in my daydreams about him! It would be all terribly awkward and fumbly ~desperately tries to convince self~

But yes, there is the risk that by giving in to temptation I would just end up being even more attracted to him, and that is one of the (many, many, many) reasons to resist.

OP posts:
Suzannewithaplan · 04/12/2014 12:02

?Nothing makes me go off a man quicker than rubbish sex, if he can't help me in that department I have absolutely no use for him. ?

muntermonster · 04/12/2014 12:02

He just replied to one of my tweets and I am now sitting here with a massive soppy grin on myself.

I am SUCH A TWAT Grin

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 04/12/2014 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.