Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Sure, I've sent you two PMs, one about starting a fred in the other place.

And sending you hugs and

Can anyone think of a safe, unidentifiable way we can help Sure with dissertation ideas on a thread? What about if she started a new one under a name change and PMed us where to find it? Would that work?

I've no idea if I can help or not and wouldn't want to take up her time with a series of PMs in case it was a waste of her time, but I'd be happy to try on a thread. I've always found it really helpful to listen to others' ideas and it often kicks my thinking off in directions I hadn't thought of.

You can use spaces/caps etc so that the search terms are harder to find, for instance
C hilD ren'sL ite AT ure Thro ugHth eAges
would be harder to find but is still readable. I'm not particularly IT literate these days, but I know that approach can help.

Hi Sure

Sorry i didnt get back to the thread yesterday, but glad to see you have had support and lots of good advice from others. Your ex is a twat: I think we are all in agreement there, and i think it is a wise suggestion to minimise your contact with him to handovers. He engineered that situation to cause you distress by ignoring you, got some sort of kick out of seeing your rising anxiety, and then kicked you when you were down by totally denying you the right to react and blaming you for your [justifiable] feelings. What a nasty nasty pathetic shit of a man.

I have had a couple of panic attacks in the past and they aren't pleasant, very much resembled the symptoms you outlined in your post - and I have NEVER been up against it away that you have been recently. I am not surprised you had the reaction you did after he pushed you so far. It doesnt mean it is your fault and it is nothing you did wrong: you were concerned about your DS and doing what good mothers do ie putting his wellbeing first. But the desire to do that is just another stick for your ex to beat you with....bellend that he is.

i am so cross on your behalf!

I do hope things are better today, that DS is a little bit brighter and you feel a little bit calmer. Sending you warm thoughts and hugs. Hope the dissertation ideas are starting to flow!

I guess I am sounding like a histrionic drama queen right?

No. No. No.

I can't believe you are still functioning to be honest. The scale and level of abuse that you have endured would have knocked lesser people sideways.

You are a very strong woman. So am I and I have tears in my eyes reading about your weekend. You WILL get through this.

If you can possibly do so, I'd reconsider DS's dad having your son, as he has already pointed out [at 6] his dad is neglecting him when ill. And that's enough to be going on with for now.

You could start a discussion thread about topics for dissertations and lit reviews; as long as you write it into your dissertation/review about where you did your research 'things/essays that matter to MNers' then it would be fine. Park those for the minute though - there will be loads of people bored over the festive season so I'm sure you will get assistance with this and have an idea in a matter of minutes.

The PO has been badgering me to ring him thru WA lady-ive had no replies to my emails to him.
I really don't know what to say to him.

Going to have to hope DS doesn't come upstairs. I don't want to deal with this.

Deep breath. I'm sure the PO will be aware that people can't speak from one moment to the next, and would perfectly understand you having to stopper up the phone for a moment.

Sending you hugs.

You are doing so well Sure. You have certainly got plenty on your plate at present.

Hope the phone call went ok.

Just watched DS' xmas concert. He was up all night screaming with his belly :( Got some proper sleep from about 2. He really didn't want to miss being in the play though, bless him, so I took him in as he seemed ok to go.

Had to skive uni. Got snubbed by all the other mums sat there clinging onto their husbands, esp when I sat next to a woman who's son is in DS' class and said hiya, she looked me up and down and said nothing. I felt like a criminal for sitting next to her husband.
DS' dad didn't show up.
I put on the massive smile, waves and thumbs up, supported DS who did so well.
Afterwards, everyone filing out with their friends, grandparents, husbands, mums. I sat there on my own while the music played "its beginning to feel a lot like Christmas". I don't think I've ever felt more alone.

Oh Sure . Did you have your phone with you? Can you post on here from it? Those other parents may have had their families with them, but you have a hundred MNetters on your side, rooting for you and ds. When you are on your own, ping us a message and then the replies can come in to boost you wherever you are!

Well done to ds for getting in for his play. He is a real trooper - what a star!

Well she sounds like a right cow.

Well done to you and your DS for making sure the show did go on :)

I don't know why the mums there snub me, but its really hurtful. I didn't mean to sound like a bitch saying about them clinging to husbands, I guess as I am so conspicuously single I'm aware of them literally not letting go of them.
Shit, school have rung and he is too ill to go to afterschool club so I have to go get him.
Back soon!

You don't sound like a bitch at all (and I have got a DH). I certainly don't go around clinging to him, so I suspect that the women at your DS's school are worried that you will steal their men away. Terribly mature of them!!

If they can't exert themselves sufficiently to be pleasant to you then they are not worth your time anyway. Ignore, ignore, ignore. I'm sorry though, it does feel shit when friendly advances get rebuffed. I'd talk to you if we had DSs at the same school 'cos you sound nice

I hope your DS is ok

It's surprising how many people are so insecure that they see threats everywhere they look; single mum, check, intelligent woman, check, equals run like the wind and fgs don't let your h anywhere near her she'll steal him away you know. [arses]

I'd talk to you too. I was desperate for some intelligent chit chat when dd was in early primary. How long's he been there? It can take a while for established cliques groups to open up a bit to newer people.

I am about to take a stand.

I, REAL NAME Marina, do choose to call you my friend. If you were sitting near me, and even if I knew Nothing Else about you (like, from da freds), as a decent human being (that I hope I am) you'd at least get a smile from me.

Who The Fuck [who has an ounce of courtesy] could do otherwise?!?

BTW, if your FB PUC is anything to go by, these morons just think you're too cute to be trusted. It's bollocks, but a few insecure nethuns might be like that.

More relevant supportive stuff to follow, but a hug and a sisterly Shake Til the Bad Shit Leaves (and an invite to Christmas) from us three.

School scenarios can be really awful re 'trying' to make friends. I always felt it took me right back to my own school days when I really didn't find it easy to get on with my schoolmates. Those feelings are all still there.
Nativity/ Christmas stuff is terribly difficult too. All those images of "perfect families", which is advertising bollox (not to cast any sort of aspersions about the other mums at that school but some of those blokes were as likely to be someone else's husband as their own..... ....)
You are intelligent, articulate, caring, brave, with a resilience that I think many reading this thread are totally in awe of.

Fuck'em [articulate]

I can only imagine how lonely and isolated you must have felt, but I hope that your DS's performance made being there worthwhile anyway.
School performances always leave me a snivelling wreck - ours is still to come next week.

There is no such thing as 'the perfect family' or 'perfect couple' - people may have looked at you and 'him' with envy in the past. If somebody is actually threatened by another woman sitting next to her husband, then pity her - that is now way to feel in a relationship, that level of insecurity must be exhausting. It's their issue, not yours.

I hope you got DS alright and that he is not feeling too hellish.

Wishing you both a good night

Sure - I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think the other women were 'clinging' to their husbands (how sad, if they were!) - I think you are projecting your fears and insecurities out there. Much like when I bought a red car (so sporty! so conspicuous!) I saw red cars everywhere. I'd never noticed how many there where..... Anyway, now that you are looking, you see husbands/wives/families everywhere.

You are a little family by yourselves, you and ds. You don't need anyone else. I'm not minimising what you perceived it as, but honestly, do women pull their husbands away from 'single' women? I'm a single parent, have been for 5+ years, and I've never seen anyone nervous around me and their husbands. (and I do go out, singly, with couples) Not sayng it never happens, but you do not need a MAN just to vindicate yourself. You are a family, you are your own person, you do not need Ex, or 'him', or anyone. Only yourself, and ds.

Re the 'snubbing', I have a PFB who is quite content with one (1) friend. All through school, I had the mother of the 1 friend to talk to, so at assemblies, nativities, activities, if she wasn't there, I was on my own. It's not nice, it is cringeworthy, hurtful, and I felt like I had a bright red face, or 2 heads or something,all the way through these things. BUT - ds1 is (probably) mildly on the Spectrum, and if nothing else, he has taught me to NOT Care too much about what others think (he certainly doesn't) and that everyone else has a)the same insecurities, and b) also worries about what others think!

Re your ex - I read your account of that day with horror. If nothig else, Sure, please don't ever put yourself in that position again. if ex suggests a day out again, say no. If anyone tries to guilt-trip you into it (ds would 'love' it...) - remember how you were trying to argue, scream and cry without ds seeing! It is not good for him if his dad is controlling and bossing everyone, and abusing you at the same time. It is not good for ds to have his concerns and fears and feelings disregarded simply because he is a child and the dad doesnt think it's important. If DS has to see his father, then that is his right. You don't.

Sorry for the mammoth post! I'vebeen away and missed loads.
Hope you are feeling oK today.

Morning all,
Got DS from school, took him to docs, Parvovirus apparently - he had a rash on his cheeks. He normally gets very red cheeks but this was a definite rash.
He's still in bed! No uni again today, I am supposed to have a meeting with my research supervisor at 9. A) She hasn't got back to me to confirm, and B) i'll never make it as DS still in bed and i'm not gonna wake him to drag him with me, esp as she hasn't confirmed.
Another meeting at 10.30 which I may be able to make: I got an email yesterday from one of our lecturers. Normally we have to take what we're given in terms of placements - they are just handed out. She said she had a really exciting opportunity for a role-emerging placement that she thought i'd be ideal for. I'm so pleased that I've made a good impression and that she thought of me when the opportunity came up.

The conversation with PO went ok on Monday.
He is very much one of those PO's that can't stand abusive men and we had a good talk about 'him' and he said he is a classic abuser, and why the hell should he get away with treating me how he has.
I swing from missing 'him', to (when I speak to PO/WA lady), agreeing with them that he has been a right shit to me.
The strange thing is, that even hearing it from them that its abnormal and abusive, I still cant really see it. When they say 'X isn't normal', I think 'oh, right'. It's a bit scary.
He said due to shift patterns etc that he probably wont be able to arrest til the weekend.
He also said the CCTV was sent to them and wouldn't play, so they are having to get it re-sent or something, but did say that it was down to police equipment !
Also, and this makes me quite angry, he has spoken to the b and b owners and they remember us, but they were more concerned that we left cause we didn't like it and were going to leave a bad tr1p advis0r review.
They are reluctant and worried that if they speak to police I or 'him' will leave them a bad review. What a bunch of bastards.
DS awake now.
Thank you for all the support. It means so much, I felt like a piece of shit yesterday and your lovely words have made me feel so much better. xxxx
Thank you

Ptumbi - I hear what youre saying re projecting my insecurities. I have always been the new girl (my dad was in the forces, and we had to go where posted, sometimes I had two new schools in a year, been to over 15) and maybe it is my problem, I just never learned the skills to be relaxed and all "hi, i'm Sure. pleased to meet you".
I've never had the security of a group of friends, even when I thought I had them, they used me, dumped me, I was always the butt of the jokes, the back up.
When I thought I had a really good friend when DS was little, she ended up dumping me when DS was in hospital, then a few yrs later slept with 'him'. I have lost my faith in people, if i'm honest.
Perhaps I have all this written across my forehead which is why people run a mile.
A returned smile or "hello" back would have been nice though. I keep trying, keep smiling and saying hello, put my name forward to help at PTA xmas fair. This same woman is always the one that will NOT return my smiles or hellos in playground, when waiting in line, She looks really pissed off if I talk to her son. Yesterday when her son called DS name (he's been absent the day before) she looked away from us as we approached, and when I was talking to her son she got his hand and turned him back to her. I was just trying to be friendly.

It doesn't work though, does it?

Glad you're feeling better this morning sure and I hope DS soon feels better too.
I think ptumbi is probably right and you were projecting your sad feelings of insecurity. Not surprising, you've been through so much.

When I was a teenager I picked up what must have been a sea cadet's jacket in a charity shop. It was white canvas- type fabric with a proper sailor's collar trimmed in navy blue.

One day I was walking in a nearby town and somebody randomly shouted out "Hello Sailor". I blushed, then realised I wasn't wearing the jacket and the comment was aimed at someone else.

If I find myself in a situation like you were in at the concert, I ask myself "Are you actually wearing your sailor jacket?". *

Like the red cars, we can see our pre occupations everywhere.

• of course I'm not. I'm not a size 8 anymore .

BTW, I am much, much older than you, sure and if someone does think ill of me, for no good reason, or snubs me I think " Fuck 'em". I genuinely don't care any more.

It's the absolute best thing about growing older. Cultivate it if you can x

I also have never "needed a man to vindicate myself".
Drainwoman is the opposite of this, her life revolved around getting a BF for 8 years . Shes got one now and her life is complete.
Perhaps other women (her included) project this onto me and think wtf is wrong with her that she is 33 and isn't married/cohabiting?
Indeed Drainwoman was the one that sat there when I got 'his' initial message asking me for a drink and pooh poohed my saying I wasn't ready with "its just what you need" "it'll piss off DS dad".

I never let 'him' into our lives to the extent he could be called a proper boyfriend. Initially we spent some weekends together with DS and stayed at each others houses, but I knew I would never move in with him. maybe that's my issue, 'he' certainly complained that I wasn't "committed enough". After a few yrs I just saw him without DS (thank god).

'sailor jacket'
Sure - I was a forces child too, am one of those 'people pleasers' (or I was) I understand your feelings, I really do. Its not nice to be dumped in a classroom of friends-already, you are always the outcast, the odd one out, the new girl. We tend to not be able to see faults in others; it must be our own fault for being shy/horrible/too forward/too friendly.....My own coping remedy is to actually not look for the good in everyone, I now dont trust a single soul (except dses) and that way can't be disappointed or hurt. I actaully look for the darkness in people now; I can meet someone and instantly the filters go up - I check for their insecurities, blemishes, fears. i don't use them, but they are there for 'ammo' if you like. It's a defence. It's not nice (i'm probably not nice for doing it) but it has made me stronger and less vulnerable.

Your contact at school, howver, does sound awful. Can you avoid her? Is there someone else on the PTA that you can see? Although, in my experience, it is usually that type who become the leader of the PTA by sheer dint of obnoxiousness. (and cos no one else wants the job - and I was even in the PTA once!