Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

The way people treat you is a statement of who they are as a human being. It's not a statement about you

They are the scum Sure. Not you.

Just keep building the life you want and you will get there. There are hundreds of folk on Mumsnet who will gladly be your cheerleader when you need: don't be afraid to ask.

Sure

Whilst I remember, I am actually heading off [from Thursday] for a couple of weeks so unlikely to have much by way of internet access/be spending much time on MN.

Hope all is well, just wanted you to know in case you post and wonder why i'm not responding! But i am sure that if you need them, many of the other lovely posters will be around and keeping an eye on your thread.

Saw this and thought it was relevant - 'scuse the americanism! Hope it brings a wee smile Sure.

It really does!
Thank you Badgers. I hope youre going somewhere nice
I have just finished a mornings training for a new volunteer role with older people, befriending and supporting in the community.
The lady said she'd had one of my references back from a lecturer at uni and that it was extremely complementary so I'm on a bit of a high (probably the coffee too!).
I am aware i probably sounded surprised when she told me someone said something nice about me

I heard a really good quote/saying the other day that stuck in my mind:

"Close your eyes and imagine the very best version of you possible. Thats who you really are, let go of any part of you that doesnt believe it."

Sure, have you noticed that all the people who are not abusive bastards have only good things to say about you? Why don't you believe them and ignore the ABs? Yes I know it's not that simple, but you need to take notice.

Or look at it another way - if someone came to you and said these people have all abused me in different ways, would you reply, 'Well, you're the common denominator here, so it must be your fault'? No of course you wouldn't. Can you see how ridiculous it is to blame yourself?

I'm so glad you're going to do some volunteering. Glad for your 'clients' and glad for you.

Maybe you do need to keep busy and not allow yourself to think too much. Until the positive feedback you get becomes the norm, instead of that inner voice which criticises you.

I've said before about writing down the lovely things people have said about you and bloody reading them when you feel down! You have been posting for a long time now. If you were not the person we on Teamsure think you are we would have found you out by now. (That's not a good sentence, but you know what I mean!!)

When do you start your befriending?

Happy holiday to Badgers.

Thanks folks - heading to Canada for a fortnight with the other half. I cant wait! Desperately need a break from work so reckon this should do it

Look after yourselves and I will talk to you soon xx

Hi both,
I am waiting for my DBS to come back. I can then be 'matched' with someone in my area to go and visit
Badgers i hope you have a wonderful time in Canada - one of my favourite places. Are you going to the Rockies? Hope you get to relax

I think i do need to keep busy. I am having a down morning- it doesnt seem to follow any pattern. Sometimes I feel like I'm normal and i can do this and he is a horrible person, others i feel like I'm completely nuts and can't even go outside the front door and i just want to evaporate.
Sometimes i feel like scum cause even 'he' who was supposed to love me, hates me and completely got away with it as well selling me as "mentally ill" to everyone. And maybe he's right. And i imagine him dating someone new (which he will cause hes handsome and charming and has a good sales job) and telling her all about how his crazy ex ruined 5 years of his life.
Like he told me about his "bitch" ex gf of 2 yrs when i got together with him.
While i am here having days that hit me out of the blue where i can barely function without sobbing, let alone have a relationship where i get all the things I'd like, like someone to talk to and do things with.
I do it but sometimes it is hard sitting alone in a restaurant.
I wanted more kids. I wanted someone to build things with. Ds dad and 'he' took that.
Such a learning curve. Wish i didn't feel everything so much. Thats always been something I've been criticised all my life for.

Weird cause WA lady said she was stunned at how emotionless i was about the abuse i suffered.

Its hard having no one in RL to talk to. I would always talk to 'him'.

Sorry, just getting it out helps. Remembering my mantras and kicking myself up the bum asap.

Sure, it seems to me the WA lady is someone you should keep talking to. She has noticed something that may be important about your emotions regarding the abuse. And make no mistake: it has been horrendous abuse!! I am amazed that you do so well.

Please don't worry about more children or whether or not you'll have a future relationship; no one can predict the future, really, and many people (especially women) decide that living alone is preferable to the ups and downs of so many relationships.

Your moods right now will change like the wind at times, but you are still here, still learning, still trying; there are bound to be better times ahead. I just know it. Could you manage to have a real bouquet in your home each week? Flowers really brighten my life!

Think of the poor woman who may be his new gf. How long will it take her to see through him? Will she struggle to escape as you did? She will know eventually that it's him that's crazy. How sad to think of the cycle repeating time and time again.

What are your mantras? Do they help you?

I agree with whitsernam. There's a conflict between your switching off over the abuse and yet feeling everything keenly. I wonder why.

Stick with it. You are going forward. You really are.

Hi all,
Struggling today.
DS really didn't want to go on holiday with his dad, even going so far as to say he hates him.
He turned up yesterday to take him, late, gave me the maintenance meant for the 1st of the month (20 days late), without the sun cream, calpol and car seat I asked him to get to make sure DS was alright, and hadn't written down details of where they were going - when I said he wasn't going without me knowing where he verbally told me and told me to 'google it'.

He had changed all the details last minute, not going to x country anymore cause he left it til a week before to book it and everything was full, so hes taking him to a few places in this country.
Oh and DS' paternal granddad isn't coming, and DS dad's new gf is.
DS was unsettled about these changes and ended up saying he didn't want to go, but I persuaded him

DS dad just took him, we had verbal disagreements cause I said he just cant be bothered (late maintenance, no seat/calpol/suncream, not writing down where theyd be as I asked) and he just closes his eyes, does this patronising smile.
I said why cant you give me money for DS on time? I pointed out that he earns 50k a yr, my student loan allowance for next year is 7k. He closed his eyes and smiled and then actually chuckled.
I fucking hate him.

He has a career, a house, a gf, and is still punishing me for saying no and kicking him out for being a massive let down wreck head who would rather sleep pissed on a bench with his phone turned off than come home to his gf and baby.
No one else has ever said no to him.

So he took DS yesterday and I am kicking myself as he has now turned his phone off. I have been ringing since 8. He is doing this on purpose.

My last session with WA lady was last week and no more now.

I got legal advice through WA and the solicitor said that as I have had concerns since last summer about DS dad's filthy house/lack of facilities (heating, washing machine, fridge, hot water) and his smoking weed/taking mdma , and I still allowed contact, if it went to court I would be seen as the unfit parent cause I still allowed contact.

Also if the court ordered sensible contact and DS didn't want to go I would have to make him or id be in breach of a court order.
As it stands now I can say no if DS doesn't want to go.
Really wish i'd said no yesterday.

I have no support at all, unlike DS dad I don't have doting parents to bail me out whenever I want and to pay for hols, give me deposits for a house, car etc, a partner to listen to me and support me, back me up, or a career or a home of my own that mean security.

I just want to speak to DS but all I get is "it has not been possible to connect your call".

Can someone just hold my hand?

Oh sure you know he is doing this on purpose to hurt you so try and remember that
If you have "googled" where he is can you text him with a message that you expect (not would like/want) to speak to ds between x and y time and if you don't then you contact the hotel or complex or reps and ask them to ask him to contact you. And repeat. Every day, he may get arsenal and angry but what's new!

Hi Sure, Orange here, sending hands to hold. Sorry I've not been around much lately, my own life is a bit flakey at the moment but I just read your most recent posts and you are so much stronger than you were.

I am very surprised at the advice you were given by the WA solicitor, if you were a social worker you could not remove a child from a home just because of drugs and dirt- you would have to prove that it was actually damaging the child. To suggest that you are unfit because you have allowed him to continue to have contact with your son is IMO wrong. It seems like you are being caught in a double bind here, damned wichever way you go and that is not going to help anything.

I dont have much useful to say other than to hope that you can keep on keeping on. Can you do something nice while ds is away? Something you cannot usually do because of childcare responsibilities? What about your friend in Cornwall? The Pasty Connection is a cheap way of getting lifts down to the peninsula www.transitionpenwith.org.uk/content/pasty-connection .

Can you be sure that if anything bad happened to ds that ex would get in touch? If so, try to hold onto the "no news is good news" mantra until he responds. If you can find something nice to distract you, a trip to the sea, A nice walk, a book group- each day, the time will fly by and he will be back with you before you know it.

There are no hand emoticons so I have had to send cake instead, two pieces, one for each hand

Hi Sure
I agree we need a 'hand holding' emoticon.

I also agree that he's turned off his phone to wind you up so you need to play it cool. As difficult as it will be, You need to stop ringing - each time you do he'll see it's you and will only re-enforce his power trip over you. Ring once a day - leave a message for DS, say nothing to / about 'Dad'.

When is your DS due back ? Plan at least one thing per day until he's back - and tell him about it in your message to his Dad.

I've drawn up a list of things to do in the summer holidays - really exciting stuff like cleaning the windows (downstairs ones done) painting the skirting by the shower (primer x 2 coats done). On the list still to do - sorting out the kitchen cupboards, re-doing my bunting, cleaning my shed (where I work), making lots of stuff to sell for Christmas (sorry to mention the C word in July), etc etc. So you can see I have an action packed summer holiday planned !
It will be tough but you are up to the task. Be kind to yourself -make your self something nice to eat each day, get out in the fresh air. And post back here and let us know how you're doing

Hi all. Thank you for your support!

Orange , hope you are ok

I spoke to DS briefly this morning, it was nice to hear his little voice.

The rest of the time his dad's phone has been turned off or "out of reception" and I cant speak to DS because there is no reception, and the hostel has no wifi, or a payphone so that's what I get.

I asked DS dad what his GF thinks of how he behaves towards me and DS and he said "she loves me for it"

I took your advice Orange and phoned my friend in Cornwall who invited me down but she has moved since I was last there, went off radar all day and I didn't have her new address so I didn't set off. Then she said I would have to get a hotel/camp as she has got an impromptu puppy (!) and his crate takes up the floor space I would have slept on, so I cant really go cause I cant afford accommodation in high season - 2 nights camping was £75!!

I am really struggling. I never used to struggle being on my own before I had DS. I guess now everyone has melted away I really AM on my own.

Seem to take a nosedive despite trying to keep busy. Even missing 'him' and crying. Not good.

I did meet my new lady today for the volunteering I am doing with older people. I went to her house and got introduced and we ended up chatting for 1.5 hours, which was lovely. I am taking my nail polish collection back with me next time to do her nails. She is 82!
I hope she doesn't ring the co-ordinator and say she doesn't want me to come back!

I really feel like going out for drinks or a film but can't bring myself to go on my own. All the time I dream of having a child free hour or 2 and now I've got days and i'm sitting in my house wondering what my abusive ex(es) are doing and how I got here.

You really can go to a film by yourself. I do this. At a film you don't really interact with other people anyway, you just watch the film. So do pick one out and go. Drinks, meh. And live theater, with an intermission, can be a drag alone, because you need someone to talk to, but you'd be surprised how often I see someone I know!!

The older lady you met could become your new best friend; I bet she enjoyed the talking as much as you did.

Do you like to read? The library is full of good books. Is there a park you've not been to? I was amazed a few years back to find a formal garden I'd not seen before; now I go all the time.

You've got this! Really you do.

I go to films by myself - no one I know likes the films I like so I take myself off (usually during the day).

Really please for you that you clicked with your lady - think positive - you had a lovely chat this afternoon with someone you have never meet before and your are looking forward to meeting her again - in fact you're planning an activity for you both. That's great. And it shows that you are a person who others will want to talk with, be friends with.

So you have a lovely story to tell your DS.

Remember not to engage with his dad - be business like - 'Can I speak with DS please.' Don't go looking for 'put downs' - he has form for being able to deliver those very well so reduce the opportunity for him.

You can do this - you really can. What have you got planned for tomorrow ? I've re-done my bunting and made a list of other things I need to do. I love my lists. Tomorrow I have to sort out a wasps nest - possibly 2 and I'm teaching an outdoor Tai Chi class - weather permitting. So one chore and one fun thing.
What's on your list ?

I've decided I'm going to get up really early and drive down to visit my friend anyway.
I can always head off to a cheaper campsite somewhere else. I will take my tent.
My Nanna's ashes are scattered on a coastal peak in Dorset so I would really like to climb it and go to 'see' her. My Grandad is there too.
I will see what happens.
I do love to read. For some reason i deprive myself of it. The same as I do with playing bass, or anything I enjoy /am good at.
I don't know why I do it.
Fulfilling prophecy of being shit at everything, a failure?
Punishing myself cause its nice and familiar?
I get this paralysing .. not lethargy cause I'm not tired, but inertia?
I dunno.
So many thoughts whirling.
Whitsernam, I'd really like to see the new film about Amy Winehouse.
DPotter, i also love a list. Be careful with the wasps!
I bought a nice yoga dvd, but again self sabotaging by not doing it. Strange inertia just stops me doing anything nice for myself cause it feels weird

The Amy Winehouse movie does look good, but might be a bit dark. I'd recommend Mr. Holmes; Ian McKellan is really really good, and it does have a nice ending. You don't need a downer right now.
I know what you mean about inertia, have been fighting that myself lately!! Maybe some sunshine would help. Is there a conservatory you can visit? Some days, just getting dressed and getting outside in the morning does a world of good. A good walk or run; it doesn't have to be anything expensive. Clean up the kitchen, brush your hair, and then go.

Hang in there.

You play bass - that's so cool ! There are cool and uncool instruments and a bass is definitely 'Cool' along with sax and the double bass. You must get back in the groove. Bet your DS would love to hear you play.

With a child and studying, its easy to get out of the habit of reading. Try short stories rather than a great tome of a book. I came across a book of short stories by Ursula LeGuin called Changing Planes - short stories but linked theme. She's a very thoughtful author.

How about a trip to the library to find something light in tone and weight ?

Yay to going anyway! And yes to taking the tent and camping somewhere cheaper- the cheaper sites are usually nicer the fewer facilities the nicer the site I usually find.

I agree about short stories, or books with short chapters, I can power through those but long chapters feel heavy and a bit off putting I find. Ooh I just googled novels with short chapters and got a great list from here www.goodreads.com/list/show/7820.Books_with_short_chapters I have not read many of those, so it might just start me off on a reading journey again too.

All the best on the trip Sure- eat some pasties and have a cream tea. It's going to be good weather again tomorrow I am reliably informed.

Sorry I haven't been here for a few days, but as ever you've had some great advice.
I just wanted to say that painting your new lady's nails is a lovely thing to suggest - I'm sure it will give her a lot of pleasure on many levels. Don't underestimate the comfort of a kind human touch for her as well as the joy of a pretty colour to rest her eyes on when you're not there. You are lovely and kind. I hope today has given you some purpose and fun!

How are you, Sure?

Hi,
I've had a really surreal week.
I'll try to explain in a simple way.

So, I may have mentioned DS goes to a railway club and all the old men there love him, have accepted us etc.

One guy there who is about my dad's age, probably older, has been great with DS, kind to both of us. We have always been able to talk and we shared a bit about our lives, and he has been generous with his time and lending DS books, me a puncture repair kit for my bike etc.

Others there have also lent DS and I books and spent time socialising, it really has been a find for us and due to DS interest and dedication we were made really welcome and felt everyone there was sound.

So this man and I exchanged emails/numbers to keep in touch re club and sent the odd text. My phone, address and email is on club website anyway, available to members only.

He texted as he knew DS was away saying was I ok, I replied not too bad, he said i'm going to the beach if you want to come. I had been on my own all day having come back from Cornwall the day before, and feeling a bit miserable, so I met him half way and left my car and he drove to the beach, we had a chat and got chips and as it was dark I said lets go home. Something made me start to wish I hadn't gone but I was glad to have a friend as he had never been untoward or anything just a nice older gent/friend, going for a walk.

Anyway, on the way back to my car he drove a different way and we went up a dark lane, obviously due to my past I started getting worried and said where are we going?
He said oh we're just going a different way, I said nervously, "ok", to which he said, offhandedly, "no, actually, i'm just gonna pull over here and r@pe you".

Of course I started wigging out and after saying "don't say that", I went quiet. he continued to chat away about how you can tell by peoples eyes if they have emotion or not and how some peoples eyes are just hard, but mine are really bright.

Was trying to assess if I had misinterpreted anything.
When he dropped me at my car I couldn't get out of his vehicle fast enough, he got out and came round as I was getting in my car, I said goodbye and got straight in my car, he leaned into the car and kissed me on the lips.

I just mumbled goodbye and drove off, went through a red light.

I know it sounds like after everything else that has been going on over the past few years I am being dramatic and making this up but i'm really not.

I feel really stupid and gross.
I did NOT see that coming.
Of course now I can see it was stupid to go for a walk with him.

The next day I messaged him saying I didn't like what he said in the car and I didn't like being kissed on the lips, he said he was really sorry, what he said was thoughtless and he was going for my cheek.

Later in that day he asked if id forgiven him, with 'x's on the message etc.

I didn't reply. Thought I would brazen it and go up the club as didn't want DS to miss out but as soon as we were out of earshot when I was making tea he came up and said I am looking exceptionally beautiful today. I walked off.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like an idiot, too trusting, like men are just predatory, I feel sick and a bit disgusting. I cant let DS miss out as everyone else up there is great and its such a good environment for him, and this man is one of the prominent figures up there.

What do you think?

I know it all sounds surreal.. I feel ridiculous. Have I misinterpreted the situation? It makes me feel like due to my childhood/relationships I just don't have any sense of what is normal. I have been trying to figure it out, so that's why ive been quiet, as well as embarrassed to admit the situation I put myself in.

Just sending you comfort - I can't reply properly today, but I'll be thinking of you. I'm sure there'll be others to help you make sense of this along soon.

Thank you Teeny. X