Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Urge some people really misinterpret friendliness for "being interested" in you.
It's definitely NOT you it's him!
I've had this happen a few times, really these kind of people cannot believe that members of he opposite sex can be just friends so of course you must want them.
You did nothing wrong
Okay so a plan then would be to distance yourself from this man just re iterate once more if necessary that you have no interest in him whatsoever, not even as a friend anymore because of his behaviour and block him by email/phone and just talk about the the hobby only when you have to at the venue.
Do not enter into any other personal co versatility n with him. Is there anyone there you could sort of co ride in saying that yhe has got the wrong idea about you and you need a bit of support, back up to deal with it
It wI'll be awkward but hopefully your ds will move o to some other hobby and you can stop goi g there then
Good luck

Agree with mojo about some people do not understand the difference between friendly and 'interested'. This isn't you, its him

This must be very uncomfortable for you to say the least. I think he's a guy who sees a young single mum and fancies his chances. So you need to make it absolutely clear to him you ain't interested. You started with the text - that's good. Again I agree with mojo about telling him you are not interested and then blocking number etc.

Bet you're pleased to have your DS back with you. Hope you're out enjoying the sunshine

I don't know if this will help, but I've been there. Quite a few times. You responded perfectly - you were clear that it wasn't what you wanted. Some men, not all by any means, just try it on. It's not nice and we all have to look out for it, and try not to let it make us think they're all like that. I remember coming back from my first holiday abroad and feeling totally disillusioned. So many guys I ended up despising.

So don't think it's you. It isn't. And the nicer, more friendly you are, the more likely you will experience this. You can be hard and unapproachable, but that's not you, and it means they've won.

I hope you can continue to go for your DS's sake. It would be great if you could get some support from someone else, just so it would be easier to avoid him.

I wonder what he would have done if you'd started screaming for help. Might have discouraged the bastard from trying it on with the next woman who is pleasant to him.

I think you've been great - no crumbling or worrying about upsetting his feelings. Well done, you.

One day you'll meet some good guys. Law of averages, eh? Thinking of you.

Hey all!

just skim read and caught up: that doesnt sound like a nice experience Sure but I think you handled it really well. Try not to dwell and just keep a polite distance.

Teeny, Mojo and DPotter have all covered it very well: this is not your fault, he was being a dick and you know now not to let him get any closer because he abused your trust and that comment re: r@pe was way out of line.

xxx

I just thought I was getting better at this kind of thing, getting more of a 'clue', you know?
I would say it's good to know its not just me, but its not good, is it? I'm sick of this kind of thing happening to me, all women.

I really dont want to hate men and stay away from them all because I know they're not all like that. But clearly my radar is just shit

Despite getting it wrong more times than I care to remember, I'd still rather be the sort of person who assumes everyone is decent until they prove otherwise and who generally looks for the best in people.
I'm still totally pissed off by your experience though and wonder why we are still fighting against such behaviour.
On a happier note, have you been back to see your friend? Did you paint her nails?

Hi all,
Havent posted much lately as i have been feeling a bit overwhelmed.
Need a hand to hold today as I am feeling really down.

My self esteem has been poor since birth, and i am beginning to think it will never be any different.
I feel like i am banging my head against an impenetrable wall, i simply don't know what its like to have real friends or a supportive family or a healthy loving relationship.
I feel utterly worthless and it probably seeps out of every pore and repels people, other than those that want someone easy to abuse to make themselves feel better.

Some days, like today, i desperately hate myself and feel severely abnormal, like an utter freak that everyone avoids. I have been told loads that I'm not normal, over sensitive, dramatic etc because ive done stuff like cry and beg people (like my mum, 'him') for a kind word, or to say they love me.

I dont know what i want or need, just wanted to get it out.
I feel like gutter scum, begging and desperate for a kind word from someone, anyone.
Feel like I'll always be alone because I'm a worthless horrific person. My mum/sister / ex all confirm this. I feel like no one will ever want to love such an abnormal person.
Sorry for the rant.

Hey Miss Sure!

Sorry this went unanswered, with all the hacker shite that is going on and the site being up then down then up again, plus sign in problems, I haven't been around much. and I imagine it is a similar story for other folk as well.

You aren't abnormal sweetheart, not at all. You just want to be treated with a bit of dignity, love and respect: believe me, these are not big and outrageous demands. You have just been horribly unlucky with the family you were born into, and unfortunately that warped your blueprint for how you expect and accept being treated, meaning that all sorts of arseholes have managed to creep into your [real] life. It does not mean you are worthless or abnormal, not in the slightest.

Look at these threads Sure; how long have they been going now? 6 months? longer. All the people who have read and responded on your threads: no-one thinks you are scum and many people here can see what sort of person you really are. And by that I mean a normal, decent hardworking person who is trying to do her best to get by, raise her son and make a future, with no support.

And we all respect and admire you for it. if people here on MN thought you were worthless scum, would anybody waste their time trying to help you? You know we wouldn't. And we certainly would not do it for months on end! So maybe the fact that so many people have taken time to listen and to comment and to try and support you, well maybe you know, that tells you something? It certainly should

Try not to focus too much on other people/lack of other people in RL: yes, you want to be loved. And yes, there is a possibility that you are so desperate for love and affection and kindness that you maybe do send out a message to people, one of neediness and desperation. But it does not make you a bad person, and it does not excuse people trying to take advantage or abuse your trust. Not in the slightest.

You are Sure, and what you have achieved in the time that these threads have been running has been awesome. You have a bright future and a lovely DS. For now, do everything you can to focus on these and not on what you don't have, for that way, madness lies.

I hope when you read this you are feeling a little brighter and are having a better day.

Wise words, Badgers, as ever. Sure, would you keep checking in on someone you thought wasn't worth the effort? For months? I don't think so.
Please stop blaming yourself. It's like telling a starving child that their hunger is their own fault.
I can't tell you when things will improve for you. I suspect it will be after you've qualified and are working. You will get so much approval and validation that you will have no choice but to believe in yourself.
I am just going out but I will keep checking in. Because you're worth it.

Hi all,
Havent updated for a while, had a few weeks where i felt pretty down.
However.. last week I stood up to my dad and i feel like i need to share.

He came down with his wife as he said he would come and help with DS' birthday. Come a day early and stay til the party. I was worried and unsure about this but agreed.
Well it all went ok, i made sure everything was perfect and was really welcoming, made sure i told them how pleased i was to have them there.

Picked up DS from school, went out for a meal, dads wife (poss bit pissed) got all emotional and started crying, saying cause my sister doesnt speak to my dad, she is upset at what will happen when my dad dies ( he has a heart condition) and will she get to see me and DS..( I see her about once a year and she never rings me)
I was the grown up and wiped her eyes and said dont cry, i appreciate you coming down and making the effort etc etc (I put aside in my mind how vile shes been in the past and that she was the OW with my dad) and reassured her.

We got home and put DS to bed, had another few glasses of wine, got onto the refugee crisis, politics etc, I have argued with dad before about similar issues, including immigrants (maybe further outing myself but DS dad's family are from an eastern european country and ridiculously hardworking) he has been racist about DS before saying he wouldnt hire him due to his last name, etc etc.

Long story short we ended up disagreeing about a lot of things such as 'womens issues' (he genuinely thinks women are the weaker sex and there arent as many in power as men because they are weaker and no one will vote for them) that getting maternity pay is taking the piss, that rape isnt a political issue and that women need to stop moaning about it, its just something that happens and it will never change (his wife AGREED with him on this!!), that women are just 'trying to get attention kicking up a fuss' about things like rape, sexual harrassment, domestic violence, fair pay, job equality etc. That they make it all up.
That men should actually be paid more than women because they dont take time off to have babies....all that misogynist shite.

When i started calmly quoting statistics (eg more women than men raped, pay gap does exist) he started getting really irate, then lost his temper and started shouting that (because i said i believe in feminism, eg equality) i obviously hate men, and that i want a society where women have all the power and men are 'down there where they belong'.
When i said calm down i never said any of that why are you shouting.. he lost his rag and that was it then.
I was up against the wall with him shouting "Fuck off! Fuck off!" about 5cm away from my face and pointy finger-jabbing in my face. This turned into about an hour of shouty tantrum where because i said what would he know about my life and what 'womens issues' i have had to go through because he has never been there...he went absolutely mental and said some seriously nasty shit. I ended up crying my eyes out asking him where he'd been all my life and he got extremely angry with me for "trying to make him feel guilty".
At the end of the day he has had a choice all my life.

I went up to bed sobbing, luckily DS had slept through it all.
I am so glad as i know from being a little girl what its like to see my dad kick off and he is terrifying. I did think he would hit me and i think if his wife wasnt there he would have, like i was a kid.

They left the next morning, i was too scared to come downstairs ( regret it but felt like a child, scared of my dad) and when i made sure their car had gone i came down. DS was devastated they left, and that they had pointedly left in a pile the gifts DS and i had given them the day before.
This is a v condensed version as i dont want to go on, or out myself too much, but they were being so horrible, and literally re-writing history.

I can see the whole link as to why, when i grew up watching him do that to my mum, i was comfortable around nasty abusive men.

Havent heard from him. Quite glad.

He doesn't deserve to be in your life. I'm glad you can see the effect he's had on you as a child. Please, keep him away from you and your DS. He sounds cruel and deranged. I wonder what his wife thinks of his behaviour. Surely she must see that one day she will be on the end of his abuse.
Thinking of you.

Hi Teeny.
I think they both enable each other to be honest.
She has texted me (she left something that i have now posted to her) but I've heard nothing from him at all.
Weird mix of having the guilts and feeling like a weight has lifted.
X

He doesn't deserve to be in your life.

This. Times about a million. What a complete fucking nasty bully he is, and yes, explains a lot about why you have such difficulty with arseholes in your life.

Others can advise on the logistics of going NC if that is what you need to do, I cant advise on that front but my personal reaction is that people like that should have no place in your [or your DS] life. Easier said than done I know.

But please, if nothing else, please don't ever let them stay in your home again. Make it your safe place, make it Fortress Sure, big sign on the door "No arseholes allowed". You should never have to put up with that sort of behaviour in your own home.

Oh, and well done you for standing up for yourself. Might not feel like it, given how the cretin was determined to shout you down but truly, once people start losing the rag and ranting like that, they have already lost the argument. They think they are in control, but they so aren't.

Hugs to you mrs, keep on keeping on x

Thanks Badgers.

I still haven't heard anything from him. NC may happen by itself as I do NOT want to contact him.. I just cant deal with it!

I tend to save leftover red wine for cooking etc or if i'm really desperate and yesterday I picked up what was leftover from the night we argued and peered in the bottle and it was full of tiny dead flies... it just summed it up really - what is meant to be nice, rich and enjoyable is, on closer inspection full of decay and hidden nastiness.

So I poured it away.

Thanks for the well done on standing up for myself. It did feel good (obviously not at the time cause I was so upset), and I can genuinely say that had it not been for the support I have had on this thread (repeated until it starts getting drummed into my head ) I don't think I would have felt able to say NO. I wouldn't have felt I had the right.

You are also so right, Badgers about the "No arseholes" sign. My house, my sanctuary, my rules, don't tell me to fuck off and shout and frighten me in my house.

House is even nicer now because DS and I adopted a rabbit from the RSPCA, he is absolutely gorgeous and I am getting a lot from being able to lavish love on a little creature that no one wanted. He follows me about and although wont yet come for a cuddle he likes to be near me wherever I am in the house or garden :)

Sure, that is an incredibly powerful metaphor. Now you have to remember what you did with the nasty wine. And do the same with the nasty swine(s).
In the meantime, print out your 'No Arseholes' sign. (You could do 'No A*holes' in deference to your DS.) Get it laminated and stick it somewhere prominent as a reminder that it's your new rule.

I am delighted you have given a home to a rabbit-in-need. You will get love and comfort in return. I rescued a baby bunny from a cat's mouth, treated its wounds and bottle fed it. I loved it so much and it loved me. Watch out for it wanting to sleep on your chest, though!

You are getting so much better at standing up for yourself. In car parks and now in your no-arseholes-home. Go girl!

Teeny thats so sweet about the rabbit. They are funny little things. I don't know what happened to mine but he swings between being aloof and running over to me, ears bouncing and nose-butting me to stroke him.

Haven't heard from my dad.
In a weird way, and I'm not sure how its connected, finally standing up to him has made me feel a lot better about 'him'.
It hurts less, and I don't miss the nice bits so much, i just see what a sad empty nasty man he is and how disgusting it is that he couldn't even see how awful he was to me, and continued to abuse me because he felt he had the right, and that i deserved it. So how could he have loved me? He didn't.
And more than that, that what everyone on here says is true, sadly. They don't change.
'Him', my dad.
Because they are so fucked up they have no sense of fairness or shame, only the 'poor me' sense of entitlement that means they think its fine to pick at, put down, control, shout at and intimidate (in 'his' case, rape because his need for sex was more important than my right to say no and not be hurt) people they say they love.
Its so scary because they are the charming ones. And when the mask slips its terrifying.

Anyway, just wanted to say i feel like I'm making progress and thank you for your support. It means everything and i read this thread most days

Just think where i would be if i hadnt posted for advice nearly a year ago, it worries me to consider how far he would have gone by now.

I don't know what to do re my father, last bit of family gone but i do know not hearing from him is good. Only DS dad to cope with at the moment.
Sent me the most horrendous email full of lies, but like you said Teeny , i can detach cause i have my mental "No Arseholes" sign over my door and i can just not reply and deal with him when i have to, but like hell will he ever set foot in my house again.
Me, DS, little Rabbit chewing parsley under the coffee table. Just don't think I could trust anyone again now.

Hi sure
YOu sound strong at the moment. Well done. I am glad you posted here a year ago and that you feel you have moved on since then. I can see it in your words here. You no longer let the arseholes win- that is so good to know.
All the best
Orange (NC- long story)

Gosh, has it really been a year? that is quite frightening.

I am having a truly shit time at work at the minute [looking for a new job, they have broken me] so not been around much but still thinking of you Sure. And I have to say that reading this:

i can detach cause i have my mental "No Arseholes" sign over my door and i can just not reply and deal with him when i have to, but like hell will he ever set foot in my house again

...makes me very proud of you and how far you have come. We know that you have many bad days, but hopefully more of the good ones are beginning to creep in. You have come such a long way sweetheart, well done!

Sure, there are people worthy of your trust, and you will get better at spotting them. Think of how far you've come this year - and we've all recognised it, so it must be true!!

My rabbit tip - I carried my baby rabbit around in a cat basket. (She came to school with me every day so I could feed her, and my class did lots of bunny-based Maths!) I always drummed my fingers on the top of the basket when I was going to feed her, and she would come as soon as she heard the 'food' sound. So I could get her back from anywhere in the classroom or the school garden instantly. I really don't know why I didn't train my kids in the same way...

Hi all.
Fighting the feeling that I am going on a bit still posting on here, there are still some things that i'm really struggling with and could do with advice on:

DS and his dad, having no family, no free time as have DS constantly and cant afford babysitting, no friends (probably because of constantly having to be at home due to DS and having no social opportunities). Low confidence and self esteem, supporting DS who is struggling - following a rare visit to his dad's- with school probs and emotional distress.
I was wondering if I should start another thread, or one for DS dad problems and talk on here (if anyone is still listening!) as my history is on here.

I am still recovering from abusive ex, he still contacts me to be mean, and confirm how worthless I am. I swing from not hating him and feeling like i was unreasonable and i should have tried harder at the relationship, to regretting not being able to go through with everything and dropping the charges and feeling like a failure. Struggling with the fact that I had the right to not be controlled, abused, raped, starved of affection, put down, stalked, ridiculed, shouted at, made to feel I would be better off dead. How do you get over all of this? I don't have a mum to cuddle, a husband to support me, or a friend to laugh with, just a DS who needs me not to crack.

This is a mess of a post, but i'll post it anyway. Even just come and say hi if you like, that would be really nice.

I do remember you and tried to be helpful, under a different name, and I remember you got great feedback at school! Right? I hope that helped your confidence a bit.

I am sorry you did not go through with charges on the X. What I really do not get is him contacting you now! How does he do this? Is there any way you can block him? Is this harassment? Have you talked with victim support? Counseling? You really, really need to stop the contact completely.

You feel alone, a bit scared, and it is hard to change old habits and fears. I think we do it by taking one step at a time. You are a great mom, we all know that, so keep taking care of DS and loving him. And find one thing to do for yourself that you love and makes you feel good, like a walk in the sun, a certain type of tea or biscuit, I love to read in the bathtub last thing at night. Whatever it is, do it for yourself. And keep a lookout for a new friend. There must be another divorced mum somewhere that you can chat up, no?

Good luck, and don't worry about posting here. Do it whenever you need it.

You do need to stop your ex contacting you. I hope you find a way forward.

Hi both, he just makes accounts on social media.
My uni cohort uses fb to share information so i don't want to delete it.
I wasn't offered victim support or counselling, and I'm not in a position to afford it at the moment, also time wise I'm usually at uni or with DS.
Usually I'm alright, I am miles better than i was this time last year, and i am in a much better place. It just gets me down sometimes. If DS dad wasnt so difficult and had a good relationship with DS and i that would help massively. Maybe i could start a thread asking for practical advice?
I have found that positive thinking helps and follow lots of pages that post positive quotes on instagrm. Also practicing gratitude.
I wouldn't be where i am without MN either.
It would be great if i could stop ex contacting me as it drags me back every time. He's obviously obsessed about "what I've done to him" ("getting him arrested " etc).

How does he still contact you?
With regard to DS's Dad, a new thread might be helpful. Unfortunately it's such a common problem and you could well get some good advice.
Just reading your last but one post, one positive is that things will change significantly when you finish your uni course and start working. Financially and socially. I'm not saying life as a working single parent will be easy, but you will have a lot more choices and I think once you are getting positive feedback and appreciation from your colleagues and clients, it will help your self-esteem.
KOKO - you have come a long way. He hasn't.

Hey Sure

No idea how I missed that you had come back to this thread, but just wanted to say hi. Good advice above from the previous posters. Sorry to hear that the ex is still contacting you: all I can say there is do as you have been advised: block and ignore. Do not engage.

It is possible to remove yourself from social media but keep a semi-anonymous account: I live in NI where the threat to police officers is on-going, and many of my police friends alter their names significantly when setting up facebook and other media accounts. You could try that and just let anyone at uni know the details. He wouldn't be able to find you if he didn't know who to look for!

But you have to really want it Sure and actually follow through and do it. Maybe I am wrong but it looks like you have still left the door open a crack and therefore he keeps pushing at it....

Teeny is right: once you start working things will be different but will be good for you as you will have adult company that will be more regular, and who knows what might come of it socially.