Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

I go through phases of not caring what people think.
I find doing this is easier when you have family or friends, or like, someone that likes you.

I am not sure how I can misconstrue saying "Hiya" to someone, and smiling at them, for them to look me up and down and say nothing in return.
Can someone explain how I've projected my insecurities in that situation?

Ptumbi, I also just don't trust anyone, bit like a security blanket.
I also do the analysing people for darkness thing, wow.

I am not sure how I can misconstrue saying "Hiya" to someone, and smiling at them, for them to look me up and down and say nothing in return. Can someone explain how I've projected my insecurities in that situation?

In that situation you weren't, sure. She was being a bitch. In the cases of the other women who seemed to be clinging to their husbands, it's possible that you might have been - for a few of them anyway.

You know, it sounds like your lecturer likes and respects you..... that is at least one person in RL (plus us virtual lot but sometimes it's nice to see an actual human)

Yes, some people are just bitches.

When my children were at primary school, there was a mother with children the same age. I'd see her in the playground, library, all kinds of places. I'd always smile and say hello and she'd snub me. (These days I wouldn't bother mote than twice).

Unbeknownst to her, I was Chair of governors at the children's school and she applied for a job as a TA. When she was shown into the room at interview she was so surprised to see me, she actually stood, open mouthed.

After that, she wanted to be my friend.

Some people are bitches. Some women will only talk to the "right" kind of people - and who the heck they consider "right" can be a mystery - one considered me to be "right" but snubbed my richer and perfectly nice friends. Lots of those "happy marrieds" will not be in a few years time, given statistics a lot are even involved in DV.

Ignore that woman, and try saying Hi to a few others, maybe try a new one every day? Remember some of us are a bit face blind (which actually is why I go to know some people as I first spoke to them thinking they were someone else), everyone has bad days (I may be short one day, but then come and apologise a few days later), sometimes the kids are a bit demanding etc.

When we first moved here there was a woman whose dd was in dd's class. I'd bump into her on the way to school every day - she'd be returning from drop off. I always said hello, she always snubbed me. I said hello to that woman five days a week term in term out for over a year before she gave in and grunted back. We would place bets every day to see if she would acknowledge my existence. I'm afraid I enjoyed it. 9years on, I don't have any contact with anyone from that school, and I don't want to. DD's class teacher was great (still have contact) and I am on good terms with a half dozen parents whose children joined the school a year or two after dd did. The original lot? pfffft.

BeeOrchid - ha ha! Love it!

I certainly don't want to be friends with the woman, that's for sure. It was just that on top of everything else lately..

Beeorchid - love it! That has made me giggle about your "friend"...aint karma a bitch!

Noooo, I'm getting ill, I cant be ill!
Apparently adults can get Parvovirus, and it would seem I haven't already had it.
I'm in bed with electric blanket but still freeeezing.
At least I don't have a twat like DS dad telling me I'm fine, ripping my blankets off and denying me painkillers!
DS seems a lot better which is the main thing.
I haven't heard from PO. Wondering how long its been now since I made statement.
'He' is still messaging me to meet him this weekend and how he misses me and its killing him.
Feel sick and my joints ache.
Placement sounds good though :)

Oh, bad luck to come down with Parvo as an adult - I hope you've had some Paracetamol/Ibuprofen?
Hopefully it will pass quickly

My DS3 had this just before his 5th birthday and the rash was just amazing - all 4 of his cheeks were so red you could see them from space

I wish we could all just 'create' a circle of genuine friends for you.
I agree entirely with BeeOrchid entirely that one of the great joys of being middle-age is the fact that you just stop caring quite so much what other people think of you. I find I am also more prepared to give myself credit where credit is due rather than being endlessly self-critical.

You are awesome - in the proper sense of the word.
Any person who has lived with abuse for so long (I am including your upbringing here, not just your time with 'him') and finds a way to get out is awe-inspiring.
You are walking a very hard road, and you are hurting, but you are doing it. Every day, you are doing it.

I am glad that your PO comes across as really wanting to be in your corner. No doubt he'll be constrained by and frustrated by red tape and 'procedures', but I hope he'll come through for you v soon.

Here's wishing your DS and you a quick recovery.

Sure, I found BeeOrchid's thread a couple of days ago and I was astonished and moved by her courage, just as I am by yours. And now she's posted on your thread. If she doesn't mind, perhaps someone could link?
Two amazing women, even if one of them feels crap just now!

You're welcome to do a link, Teeny. Thanks for the kind words. Greatly appreciated

Here it is: BeeOrchid's thread

Just looked up the instructions - think this is OK

Hadn't crossed my mind to look up instructions. Or that there would be instructions.
This accounts for a lot in my life.

Round of applause of Teeny (rer rer rer rer) and the crowd goes wild

We had a silly computer game when dd was v small called Food Fight where you had to throw food at teachers, at the end of every level they'd have this low level rumble and then "and the crowd goes wild", so that wasn't meant to be offensive - it's a family joke which I couldn't resist, but it's meant to be kind of inclusive, um I am, as my dad used to call it, burbling.

Sure, I'm so sorry you're ill too and hope it's quickly over. Glad the placement sounds good, that's a fab thing to have in front of you to look forward to.

Jux, thank you!
Bee, there are instructions for everything. You are writing some yourself on your thread for how to escape no matter how long you've been inside!
Sure is writing some too for how to persevere no matter what.
Sure, I hope you are feeling a bit better. My heart goes out to you when you're at school. All I can say is that when you get to the end of this struggle, you can concentrate on finding some friends. One day you'll be appreciated as you deserve. Others will see what we see.

I can't see an end to it though.
I have been trying to stay composed all day, getting through uni. I didn't really speak to anyone, no one spoke to me.
I walked away quickly from my last lecture, face crumpling, tears welling.
I don't think I'll be able to get through the rest of this degree.
I certainly wont achieve what I'm capable of.
People talking about end of term night out. I can't go. Its a thurs. People with kids saying oh my mum/boyfriend/husband will have my kids.
I have one option and all I can hear when I think about him having DS is him telling me its no wonder I'm alone.
And I am.
Completely.
I even miss 'him'.
I would ring him if I was "allowed".
I am wedged in a stone cold place where I can't do what I want and I can't even end things because of DS.
He, everyone thinks I'm fine but I'm so not.
There is no one to tell who cares anyway, apart from a few people on the internet I'll never meet IRL or people like WA lady who is paid to.

Sending you a massive hug. And a telling off. Read the early part of your first thread. Imagine yourself back there. Now think where you are. It's better, it really is. Maybe not good (yet) but better.
You NEED that degree. It's your passport to a better life. How long have you got to go? I can't remember exactly when you're on placement, but that will give you a taste of life as it will be. (Not easy, if it's an NHS career you're training for - as my daughter is.) But you'll be independent and you'll have a range of new people to become friends with, if you choose. Not if they deign to acknowledge you - if you want them.
I won't be online for the rest of the day, but someone else will be along in a minute, because they care.
Telling off over. And another hug. Can you feel it?

Sure

Can't write much cos sneaky posting at work.

Remember what was said about baby steps and mindfulness: one small baby step at a time, getting through each day at a time. Dont think about the future and trying to see to the end of the degree, the end of the situation with him, the situation with DS' dad. Just take it one day at a time, and if that is too much, hour by hour, minute by minute.

Are you in danger in this minute? Is there a real threat to you in this minute? Or are you safe? If you are safe, you are ok. It will be ok.

Concentrate on your breathing - in through your nose and out through your mouth. Take deep breaths and count as you breathe in for 5, hold for 3 and breathe out your mouth for 8.

Do this ten times, just focusing on your breathing: try and calm yourself.

Life will get better for you. You have come so far and people here think you are awesome. It will be better and you will have the life you want, with happiness and peace. It's a rocky path at the minute but you are doing it. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

If it all gets too much, phone the Samaritans. I have done it [was not suicidal, but life was not good] and on the occasions i needed them, when the walls were closing in on me, it helped to reach out and physically speak to another human being.

hugs x

Ive already been on two placements in my first year, I'm in my second year and got one longer one and a lot of academic work this year.
NHS, council, social services, third sector work if I qualify.
Thank you for the hug. X

Good idea about the Samaritans Ipokebadgers..
Its such a long explanation of a complex situation..

You dont have to explain the whole thing....you can just say that a number of bad abusive situations have collided and you're frustrated/upset and feel you are at breaking point and just needed to hear a human voice because you are feeling isolated.

That is what they are there for. If you want to explain more of the situation you can, if you dont, you can say so. You are in control.

Sure - I am in the South West - north Devon to be exact. If I am anywhere near you I would be happy to meet you for coffee sometime :)

I've been thinking about 'friends' and how the people who I now call my friends came into my life. I don't have many (I don't think you need many....if the ones you have are good) I have had the most fun recently with other mums I've met while my kids are at out of school activities with their kids. I think jujitsu mums or 'swimming class' mums or 'dance class' mums are more likely to have stuff in common with each other. The positive benefit in getting to know others in this situation means that in future you can share lifts etc. we all got together because the class our kids attended was not long enough to go home and come back to, so we ended up going to a local tea shop and killing time together over a cuppa.
Now we go for curry sometimes, or go walking together and meet up for coffee sometimes too, even though a lot of the children are no longer in the classes together.
Some things you have said that resonate with me, as someone who felt very alone for many of the several years I spent as a single parent:

Sunday's and bank holidays can feel dreadful, you feel as though the married /partnered world are all having lovely family time together (this is actually a myth, they are just as likely to be feeling lonely/bored and resentful and if there is something they want to do they can't just do it but may have to persuade a partner to go along too )
Other things to consider are clubs at uni, is there anything there that appeals? It is easier to develop a friendship when you have common interests.

It is my considered opinion that you really need "a bloody good laugh" to counteract all the shit you have had recently. Trying to work through a virus is no fun too. Go easy on yourself. Rent a funny film. Watch a few episodes of your favourite sit com. ( we like 'Miranda' )
Another "person on the Internet" signing off with genuine concern. (((Hugs)))

Another lurker coming out of the woodwork to send you hugs and strength, sure. I've been reading from the start and silently cheering you on. What you have been through and are still having to deal with is beyond awful and I'm in awe of your resilience and dignity.

I know you're a bit mistrustful of kind words, but I'd like you to know that from here (to an Internet stranger with no vested interest at all) you seem like the best kind of person - intelligent and thoughtful and kind and funny and independent and all kinds of good things - and I promise that there are people out there in the world who will see that in you and love you for it. Seriously, I'd love a friend like you and would have said so threads ago if I wasn't having such trouble posting (on phone, with wild toddler) and if it didn't sound a bit stalky and weird.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad today. Keep going, sure. Gently, slowly, determinedly. I can see a future for you and your lovely DS that is light and peaceful and meaningful and full of joyful, ordinary things, and comfortable, companionable friendships. I can see you safe and proud and unafraid . Truly.