Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Excellent, sure.

So, what are you and DS getting up to today/this weekend? I hope you don't have to go to that part of the world where rapey-twunt has the opportunity to do more of that stalky stuff.

Well done - I am sure it was the right thing to do to tell them.

Happy weekend plans, sure

I am missing the good times today. I am so up and down its ridiculous.
Luckily I have counselling appt today in my old town. I'm crying already and appt at 12.30 so clearly a lot is gonna come out today!

I just completely broke down in counselling.
She said its clear I'm carrying around a lot and that i need to listen to my gut and do whats best for me.
She's supportive whatever i do.
The emails from PO asking about our sex life are whats almost tipped me over the edge.
I don't want all of this hanging over me while i have all the other stuff on my plate as well.
I'm so distressed

Aw, sure {{big hug}}

What you are going through is so, so hard, but you will get out the other side of it.
A big cry may just release a bit of pent up tension and tomorrow may be a brighter day again, eh?

I am sorry the PO are asking more questions; no wonder that made you feel raw and vulnerable.

I hope you've had something to eat today? A hot drink? Some carbs? Anything for comfort and to nurture yourself.

I had a coffee this morning. A biscuit with tea at the hairdressers at 9. I've picked at a bag of crisps. I need to heal and it just seems to be dragging on and on.
I don't want to tell them about our sex life. I don't want to pick over every detail of the last 5 years.
Even if after months/year of dragging it all through court (if it even gets that far) will i feel better that he's got a mark next to his name? (If he even is convicted). The answer to that is no. The thought of it all fills me with more pain.
I don't want to pick through it all. I want to be with DS and get back to me. Not snapping at DS because I'm so stressed and constantly crying.
Really low.

will i feel better that he's got a mark next to his name?

It's not about that, though, sure. It's about making him just leave you alone. Anything else is incidental.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so awful today. You've come so far though - if you just keep going then you will come out the other side, I promise you. There is happiness ahead, really

And, yes, if he's got a mark against his name you will have helped to protect future women from him. When (not if) he pulls stunts like this, he'll be called up on it faster. Even if you don't get a conviction this time somebody might next time.

The thought of that would make me feel better, but YMMV..

I'm thinking about what Pacific said regarding the best revenge being a life well lived.
I'm not living well at the moment. I feel like I'm dreading the next year. I'm wondering how to achieve what i want while being kind to myself at the same time. There must be a way that involves less emotional stress for me.

Can you practice some Mindfullness?

Be in the moment - don't look back, don't look forward, just BE.

This can also mean totally being with how shit you are feeling; concentrate how bad you are, how hopeless everything seems, how you cannot see a way forward. An then (this bit is important ) let it go.
Set another 5min/half an hour/however long you thing is right for you aside to wallow a bit tomorrow. Or this afternoon - again, however long you can keep going.

Between 'feeling the pain' sessions get on with your life - you know you have 'permission' for feel horrible again soon.

Does that make any sense?

Pace yourself.
What you are going through is a marathon, not a sprint. No way can you be running as hard as you can all the time forever. Slow down.

This in one example of an online Mindfulness course - I think it costs some money though.

Many local community centres and colleges offer courses too.

PD's mindfulness an sounds good, and may I add: try to build a little trigger for On and Off. This is partly inspired by a clip from Dad's Army last night "when I blow this whistle, I turn into ..." A whistle probably won't be practical, but maybe a particular place to sit, or a "worry stone" or beads, something you can take out or put away, focus on or fondle.

I have this book mindfulness
Which I started but was moving house so I never finished. Could be useful.
I think that I might try WA tomorrow and see if the counselling form I filled in has come to anything. I have placement in January and I cant go on like this or i'll flunk it.
Yesterdays session with my lady from before was good, she knows the situation and unlike police is very 'me'-focused rather than crime - focused, which was good.
She really encouraged me to explore my feelings about the whole thing, there was a lot about how I have asked others to stick up for me (ie police) but its not really happening so its like a double let down.
I really just want it to go away for now, I am considering emailing police to say can they hold fire on arresting him (not like theyre poised anyway) so I can really consider what this is going to do to my life over the next six months. I thought I could cope with all of this but I am finding it really difficult - the lack of control, the delving into my personal life, the tenterhooks.. I would like to be able to deal with it how I want. I don't want to stand in court telling strangers about my sex life. I am so so tired.

I don't think you can ask the police to hold off - AFAIK, particularly in cases of abuse, once the complaint is made you cannot take it back or influence the outcome.
It's just such a slow process and SO exhausting for you to live on tenterhooks all this time.

Re control: could you try to consciously hand over control to the police and kind of pretend that it's nothing to do with you any more?

As and when and if it comes to a court case (and this is likely to take a much longer time, I hate to tell you) you'll be in a different place in your life.

Are you eating ok? Getting some sleep?
I am glad your counsellor was good with you .

Start doing some Mindfulness - it might just help and certainly won't do any harm.

Well I have emailed them. If they go ahead and do it anyway that'll be horrendous, do you know if they will make me attend court? I'm panicking now.

Oh no, sorry, I did not mean to make you panic! Really sorry.

Listen, nothing has happened yet - apart from the fact that you are detaching yourself and that slowly you can see what you have been through. Keep concentrating on that. That, and your DS. Your life.

Leave the rest to the police and don't overthink the 'what ifs' and 'should haves' - therein madness lies.

I hope you get the response you are hoping for and that you get the peace you deserve.

Remember, one day at at time, one foot in front of the other.

Would rereading your old thread help you to see how far you've come?

I am so sorry to have upset you - that was never the intent.

Oh no, it wasn't you, i am just in the frame of mind where i want it to all go away and the thought of being made to testify freaked me out for a moment. X

Don't think about it - easy, just like not thinking about purple elephants or something. NOT.

Keep busy.
Study.
Do stuff with DS.
See counsellor.

And allow time to do its thing and let you heal a bit x.

Pacific , that's all I want. Peace. After everything in my life, not just 'him', I am starting to feel that I do deserve that peace. To be able to focus on my studies, get joy and satisfaction from learning and doing, to be a more laid back and peaceful mother, person.
To be able to be present, to enjoy my life as it is, cause these moments don't come back, and I am already tired of spending them worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.
I can leave the rest in the past. He cant get to me any more.

Amen to that.

You will get there.
You are almost there already.

Lets aim for peace. Seems good to me

Night, night x.

Pacific is right, sure - things are out of your hands now, and so maybe it is time to let that go. You (apparently) cannot light a fire under the police, so let them get on and (glacially) do their thing. If he is arrested tomorrow or next year - nothing you can do. Maybe time to stop jumping up and down about it - although I know I couldn't, not easily.

Move on to other things that are stressing you, that you can do something about - ds, bullying, moving schools, christmas

You have come a long long way and are so much stronger now.

Is he still texting?

Morning Sure

Sorry to read that you have had an emotional weekend....understandable under the circumstances.

You have been given some good advice by Pacific and Pedant...hope it has helped.

You said upthread I'm not living well at the moment - do you think that along with the mindfulness idea in, well, mind, you could focus on that....and make living well a major focus...and by that i mean good food, gentle exercise, rest....all the restorative stuff?

Someone said to me once that if you look after the body, the mind will look after itself. Overly simplistic perhaps, but if your body is nourished and rested, it can make what's going on in your head a bit easier to cope with/keep under control.

Sorry if i am babbling - Monday morning and i am still half asleep.

Hope this week is positive for you.

PS You do deserve peace and joy and all the good stuff in life. And you will get it.

Such good advice above, as usual.

You are frustrated (and a lot of other things) partly because you are now expecting so much more for yourself and out of life. To you, this is painful; to us, looking on, it's bloody wonderful, if you know what I mean. Hearing you struggle is awful, but the alternative, the sure who didn't think she deserved any better, is so much worse. I hope I'm making sense.

You will get there.
You are almost there already.

You have come a long long way and are so much stronger now.

Are you ok, Sure?

Nope, not doing well at all. Thanks for asking though