Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

[surereadyforchange]

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

Sending you warm thoughts and hugs xx

Love and strength to you, sure x.

At times it really is overwhelming, I know, I remember. But you've come so far!! And you will find the strength, really, truly... Sending you more from here. There. Did you feel that? Huge hugs and a shoulder to cry on. [cuppa]

Morning Sure. Hope today is better for you x

Hi all, thanks for the support.
Nothing happening.
Still no arrest.
Went into DS' school this am and spoke to deputy head. We'll see what happens.
Really low, trying to keeping drinking tea and eating biscuits but weight is down even more.
Going to attempt to make a veggie cottage pie later- comfort food.

Hi Sure

Veggie cottage pie sounds lovely...and will taste better and make you feel
better than just biscuits!

Make yourself the milk shake our gp recommended to my mum: a banana, a large scoop of full fat vanilla ice cream and some full fat milk. You can add honey if you like too. If you can't eat, then drink that.

Oooh, Jux, that sounds nice!

This sounds dead stupid, but I have never had a milkshake: how do you make one? I assume a blender is required?

By a curious coincidence, I had veggie (in fact vegan) cottage pie on Monday.

I recommend sweating the onion and carrot down, then adding a hefty splash of red wine. It cooks off and gives the dish a nice sweetness. You can buy a diddy bottle if you don't want wine in the house.

Obviously lentils and potato and such are added later or it would be onion, carrot and wine soup grin]

I'm back at WA, managed to get an appointment..don't even know what to ask.
I don't think I can deal with having to go to court.
Everything is suffering- relationship with DS, my studies, my mental health..

I can't focus on anything. I feel like I'm behind a pane of glass away from everyone else.

I think stressing to WA just how much you are being affected by the lack of progress is the main message to get across.

I know that "behind a pane of glass" feeling Sure and it isnt pleasant. I think it is called disassociation. It's like a total detachment and it can almost be a self-protective thing. It isnt unusual after a trauma or during periods of extreme stress.

I know that the couple of periods in my life when it has happened to me i have ended up at the GP and been prescribed anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication which helped get me through the worst bits. Just gave me that bit of breathing space to make it a wee bit easier to function. Do you think this is something that you should consider?

I'm glad you got to see WA today. Hope they were helpful and you are feeling a bit more supported. The detached feeling is to do with self-protection, and if WA didn't help, I think you need to get to a gp. Actually, get to a gp anyway.

Anti-depressants may also give you a feeling of being behind a pane of glass. But hopefully accompanied by a sort of 'so what, I'm coping' type of feeling instead of an 'Oh God, what's happening?'

I just think you should accept that taking action to improve things will have its downside, but maybe you have to go through this to reach the other side. I so wish you had family and friends to lean on, but if you're stuck with us lot, then please believe that we care.

Oh sure, sorry to read you are feeling so low.

Would you feel able to speak to your GP about how you are?
What did WA say? Are they able to offer you some ongoing support/counselling?

Yy to the milkshake - it's delish, nutritious, calorific and easy to get over when you don't feel like eating.

Hi all,
Still no arrest, possibly next week.
WA were horrified this has gone on so long.
He is still oblivious.
I can't cope at uni, crying all the time, not sleeping.
Overwhelming desire for it all to go away. I'm not going to go to court if it comes to it.
Even if I said stop, I can't cope he'll still be arrested and I am completely out of control of everything.
WA have been good, I sat and talked it through with my lady yesterday, she said its almost like secondary abuse it being left so long. God know how long ago i made statement. A month? Month and a half?
It has been tearing me up every hour, I feel like my voice has been taken away- I am not even allowed to express myself. What I want now doesnt matter.

What you want DOES matter even if you have no control over the slow-moving mills of the prosecution system and police .

You really do sound so down and upset.
I am glad the meeting at WA was a good one - I hope it helped a little.

Would you consider seeing your GP?
You'd not need to go in to any details re what happened with 'him', just tell your dr you are in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, place have been v slow in acting and be honest about how you are feeling now.

Do you manage to sleep? Eat a little? That milkshake mentioned upthread counts as a meal btw

WRT antidepressants, my mother put me on them at 14 due to my 'mental problems' nothing to do with her and her vile boyfriend and their abuse, oh no and I was on them til I was about 20, when I kicked myself up the arse, threw them in the bin, and bought myself a solo ticket to the other side of the world.
I don't feel I want to go back on them, just a personal thing, I am considering it though. I have been practically swimming in lavender oil to get to sleep. Sometimes it helps but then I'm drowsy in the morning when i eventually get to sleep.

My body doesn't really like milk, quite annoying. I've had a soya milk/banana/oats concoction..yesterday morning i whizzed it with cinnamon. Definitely a good idea, thanks.

Ah crap, I take the milk back - sugary tea instead.

Look, ADs are just a means to an end. They do not change who you are or what situation you find yourself in, but if they can help you to get through it then so be it.

I am not saying that medication is the right way forward - you need to have that conversation with somebody in RL - but it's worth considering.

Re lavender: I cannot stand the stuff and it doesn't work for me - just annoys me and keeps me awake. So there you go - we're al different

Hehe, yep i think you either love or hate lavender.
I have some ADs in the cupboard from the summer that i never started, i had a wig out over moving house again in under a year and schools, money, uni, 'him', my dad etc but i didn't take them..they don't kick in for weeks as far as i remember.
I might try Gp on monday.

Hi Sure

With that history re: antidepressants, it's understandable that you might be reluctant to consider that route. But a trip to a [hopefully sympathetic]GP would be another way to share the burden in real life. You dont need to go into all the details: just a summary to say how you are really struggling due to a long abusive relationship, ongoing harassment by the ex with with both WA and police involvement....and is there anything the GP can do to help?

If nothing else, it adds strength to your case for the future: that the last few years, the abuse and the harassment etc, have been so damaging to your physical and mental health that you have reached the point of asking for medical assistance.

If anti-anxiety meds or antidepressants are offered, taking them is an option, but the crucial difference is that this time around YOU are totally in charge of taking them, for how long, and for the right reasons: you can consider them simply as a way to get YOU through a difficult time....and after that initial period when you do need to take them to see if they do help, then you can reassess the situation as and when you feel it is right to do so. A GP might even refer you for some counselling....which may or may not be helpful to you.

I really want the whole case just to go away now, just arrest him and go on without me

Sorry - got distracted, but Badgers said everything I wanted to say.

Whether or not you decide to take ADs again, the decision is yours, not your mum's or anybody else's.

Devon and Cornwall police are criticised in a report announced today for their handling of DA. Spotlight did a piece on it. Some lofty cop came on saying it's improved since the time when the report was being compiled in the summer, but you can gainsay that easily as it clearly hasn't improved that much. You can use that as ammunition to get some action from your own PO, or send a summary to the PCO and even to Spotlight SW, as they would doubtless be very interested indeed.