How do I learn to be ok alone?

[dontcallmehon22]

I'm struggling. My marriage broke down 18 months ago. I met someone else who I had a brief relationship with. I loved him and was heartbroken when it ended. I'm a parent to 3 dcs and I'm finding single parenthood exhausting. I have had a couple of casual things, but I just feel more alone. I want to love someone again, but I really don't think it's going to happen for me. My loneliness has partly triggered a recurrence of my old eating disorder issues.

I need to learn to be alone and to accept it. How do I do that?

Write a list of all the positive things about being alone (watching what you want on TV, eating when and what you want etc.).

Think about what you got from a relationship and whether there are other ways of getting the same things (e.g. companionship from friends, physical touch from massage etc.)

It gets easier with time. You might even come to love it!

Without wishing to sound New Age Woo, you have to love yourself again first rather than delegate it to someone else. Are you getting treatment for the ED? Do you think you could be depressed? Please see a GP if you're not doing so already.

It takes effort and commitment to combat loneliness. Particularly when you're a lone parent. You have to consciously carve a social life for yourself and put some time into it. People are not just going to beat a path to your door and what you probably need more than 'lovers' right now are 'friends'. Good luck

I think I am depressed. I'm having counselling privately. I don't like anti ds, they do nothing for me and my experience of GPs is that's all they offer.

I don't see me having a wonderful future with someone. But I know I need to be happy alone. It just feels like a huge mountain to climb. And I feel sad to think I may never be intimate with someone or cuddle a partner again. Silly really.

That is ridiculous. You just don't know when the time will happen upon you!!!

Stop focussing on someone else coming along, and woe is me that they are not here yet.

Focus on the meantime. What rooms need decorating? How is your garden? Are you tired and need more rest? Which child has a birthdays coming up? How are your debts versus savings? What hobbies are you into?

Seriously. There's more to life than a man!!

You should be able to access counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy on the NHS in most areas, often by self-referral. Google your local "IAPT" (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) service.

You are still adjusting to a change in life circumstances. Give it time.

And yes - if your ED is escalating tell your GP and/or IAPT.

I guess. My hobby is writing, but the problem is I've been writing about online dating, which I'm taking a rest from. I've enough material to do another chapter.

I start a new job in September, so that'll keep me busy.
The problem is this inertia and general hopelessness I feel. It's not necessarily rational.

Don't I can't see that men and dating are doing you much good at the moment.

How about focussing on what you do have, rather than what you don't - you have lovely DCs. Why not put your energy and love into them - they are what's important. There's lots of free stuff available to do with DCs; and why not volunteer to help out at child related things that your DCs are, or could be involved, in. You might meet some new friends that way, as might your DCs.

Don't take this the wrong way but have you ever read Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie? It may help you with how you approach future relationship. It's just something about your posts that made me think of it.

I was literally on a thread last night where we convinced ourselves why being single was ok. So you're not alone.

I agree with others, counselling helped me massively.

No dating is doing me no good whatsoever right now. I don't really think I'm capable of having feelings for anyone at the moment. I was thinking of volunteering to do homestart, as I'd like to retrain as a midwife in the future and working with families might be useful. I'm a part time teacher, so it depends if I have time.
I will try to focus on the dc and making a nice life for them. ExH has had them
this weekend and that makes me lonelier.

I guess part of me sees giving up dating not as a temporary thing, but a permanent one.

I haven't don't, I will read that. From 18-20 I was in a relationship, then another 6 month thing at 21, then the next 12 years with exH, then a short gap, then a brief relationship again. I don't know how to be alone.

Oh and it's not silly how you feel.

I've been single almost 5 years and have moments where I wish I had a partner. It comes in waves.

I also was on ADs for awhile when my marriage ended. Although they definitely helped me. I would've suggested a different dose to you perhaps if you were still on them.

Home starts a great idea. Helping others always helps me. It almost helps me make sense of the pain I've been through supporting others and also takes the focus off my problems.

I want to feel happy again. I'm not sure how. It's a long hard slog at the moment. Dating seems incredibly corrosive to my self esteem so I instinctively feel it's not good.
I'm so lonely that my eating issues feel like my friend! When I'm eating I'm not thinking.

Yes that's why I stopped online dating just after Christmas. I'm happy with that decision and will revisit online dating in due course when I feel strong enough.

Thank you all so much.
I think the writing is a route for me to pursue, as that does give me satisfaction. After I've written my next chapter, I'll add one about learning to be alone. I will look at joining some writing clubs maybe.

Embrace your own life. Shore it up. Do interesting things. Ultimately, it will make you more attractive to men and when you starting dating again (and you will), it won't dominate your life and emotions. It'll just be gravy.

Read, write, blog, post, binge watch shows, fix up the house, clean, do volunteer work, write letters to the editors, shop, drive around, go to the movies, enjoy the arts, meet up with friends. Carve out a life. Tell yourself men are off limits for the remainder of 2014 and then re-visit the issue Jan. 2015.

I will do that. Jan 2015 is a good plan. I will keep posting here for support.

don't I've joined my local Meetup group and am off walking/bowling next week!

And don't forget, I know it's not the same but Ann Summers have a fantastic range of vibrators, I went in there recently and was amazed at the selection!! lol

Thanks louby. Might tide me over till 2015!
I've just joined a writer's group.

Thanks writing mouse. My internet dating guide is so autobiographical it is painful to write. I have two chapters that need writing -'the boomerang man's and 'The greatest love of all - learning to love yourself.' Then I'll lay it aside, as it needs a happy ending and I need time out.

I'm much better at semi-autobiographical non fiction than stories. I like writing self help with personal anecdotes and a humorous twist. It's a shame I can't always help myself!

Thanks writingmouse, I'll take a look. I'm quite happy to share everything with the world, I have no concept of privacy!

Don't I had the same challenge at the age of 45, having been single for a whole six months since the age of 17. I decided that I didn't want to meet men for dating as I had some healing to do but I wanted to meet women and open my social life in that way.

The first thing I did to get me out of the house at weekends was to join some social sites - City Socialiser and Meet Up. I chose groups based around things that I like doing and deliberately avoided anything with a dating theme.

Then I thought about all the things I'd wanted to do when with XH and resolved to do them. When with XH I'd often suggest doing something and he'd say he didn't fancy that and the whole idea would somehow disappear. So I trawled museum sites, art galleries, theatres, cinemas etc for things to see and do and if I fancied something I wrote it in the diary and did it. Many of my friends and family were only too happy to join me because I was organising something fun.

I was terrified of going to the cinema alone but forced myself to go and I love it! It's a real treat just for me.

I found myself listening to music rather than watching TV. I resurrected old hobbies. I love sewing and knitting and looked up "stitch and bitch" sessions. I never went to one because I didn't have time(!) but there are so many groups around.

Don't forget that with sites like Meet Up you could start a group based on what YOU like doing. I really did build up a full life where I loved being single. Having met someone and spent nearly a year with him I'm now single again at my choice. It was a very difficult choice to make and it's been very difficult to live with the consequences of leaving him but I am happier single than I was in the last few months with him and I just won't compromise any more ... So I'm rebuilding my life again and I'm doing all the things that I've listed above to do that. It really works for me so hopefully some of it will work for you.

Decide you're doing something, write it in the diary and do it!