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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

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CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 09:47

I'm clammy, shaky and sick. I am sat here unable to move or do anything ... I just want to curl up and hide and never come out

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FunkyBoldRibena · 28/11/2014 09:52

Come on Calm. Get up, deep breaths and get on with it. Otherwise you will be stuck there with him forever. You are only 27! You can have a good life.

ruddygreattiger · 28/11/2014 09:59

Hi Op, I have been following your progress and have to say you are being so inspirational to others out there.
Btw Funky's letter was absolutely spot on, show him you are not gonna be messed about with from now on - you are so brave Flowers

CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 10:36

He's now asking what can he do

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FunkyBoldRibena · 28/11/2014 10:38

Calm - where are you?
What email did you send?

Do not respond to any texts or emails, that is what you meant by 'no contact'.

Apparentlychilled · 28/11/2014 10:56

Wanting to hide and feeling scared is totally understandable. But that does NOT mean it's the wrong thing to do- it just means it's different to how you normally behave with him. Just think that this is not how your children (or you) deserve to live.

Just trust that you're doing the right thing, even if it feels weird.

CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 11:38

H wants to fix it (as long as it means no puppy), I want to ... how do I stay strong and say its not fixable

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gamerchick · 28/11/2014 11:44

Don't say anything atm. Take a breather and think about all the things you have planned.

LouMum14 · 28/11/2014 11:54

Please send Funky's email. Do it. And then leave. One deep breath is all it will take.

LouMum14 · 28/11/2014 11:55

Re-read this thread. It will tell you everything you need to know. Be strong for you, the pup, your new life and especially your precious, irreplaceable children.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/11/2014 12:01

H wants to fix it and by fix it he means to have you and your DD's completely under his control. Not you living a happy life with your children but you all to live in fear.

NettleTea · 28/11/2014 12:14

But no matter what he wants, no matter how nice to him you COULD be YOU DONT WANT TO.
and thats ok
and thats enough.
you dont want to be married to him.
nobody should expect someone to be married to someone else if they dont want to be.
There is nothing to 'Fix' because you dont want to be with him

CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 12:36

Well even while trying to convince me he'd do whatever it takes he couldn't keep his mask on. Going to leave for my mum's in a few mins. Thank you everyone [hugs] Flowers

He is now ignoring me

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Apparentlychilled · 28/11/2014 12:40

Well done for hanging in there. Just keep taking baby steps and get yourself to your mum's.

CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 12:42

Feel shell shocked and like crying to be honest. But also there is a small grain of relief.

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tipsytrifle · 28/11/2014 12:46

Did you send the email? You are going to feel all this fear-based stuff because you're taking a massive step into the unknown. But the only real unknown territory is yourself. You met him so very young, you've never really tasted independence. You're still young and way more resilient than you can imagine! Good luck today!

BeeOrchid · 28/11/2014 12:58

When I got home it was bedlam in the house. Both kids were hysterical. My eldest wet the bed and apparently according to her the youngest got woken up by H shouting... this is not true according to H, however he seems to have no empathy or tolerance to the eldest, as in his words 'he doesn't know how to deal with her or connect with her' . It really isn't fair on anyone me leaving them to go out.

Plus he's just shouted at DD for dropping her beaker near him accidentally.

This meant that H had to put DD1 to bed, give her a bottle etc. I would get texts while at work telling me how difficult she was being, how she was crying and not taking the milk, won't settle, is distressed and so on. This led to me feeling so upset and worried while I was at work. I enjoyed the job but hated putting my DD through that ordeal each time.

I'm definitely going to try and ring women's aid tomorrow. Fingers crossed I can do it. ..If not for me then for my babies. I would die if they were ever in an abusive relationship.

Ugh GTBExH has just got up. He is so rude to DD1 all the time. Tells her to 'get off' or 'leave me alone' if she wants a cuddle. Tells her to 'shift', 'move' etc. Never please, or thank you. Never worded nicely. Everything is a barked order with zero patients. I've also noticed this morning that he doesn't let me set my own boundaries with her - he tells her and me how she should behave/interact with me, and gets annoyed if actually I am happy to have her do x, y or z.

Also he's just picking on everything DD1 does - finding fucking fault with everything.

I can't let my daughter go through this. It's not fair on her at all.

Oh I forgot! when I said I would not engage in a discussion while the kids are awake his response was 'so I'm meant to stress and worry all day and walk on eggshells'.

His needs come before the kids obviously

Just putting this here so I can re-read it when I ask him to go. Tonight we were having dinner. I was feeding DD2, and DD1 asked to go to the toilet. I asked GTBExH is he could take her. He said no not really as he was eating. I pointed out I was feeding DD2. So he huffs up and says to DD1 'for god sake, this is ridiculous', before taking her to the loo

Oh he also jokingly called both DD's retarded earlier as well... (he wasn't meaning it nastily - to him and his family it is an acceptable joke )

He has told DD1 that she is in a foul mood before bed, which is a lovely thing to tell your 3 year old...

Itsfab · 28/11/2014 13:59

It wasn't clear to me if you had sent the email but I hope you have and are now safe at your mum's. You did the hard bit. Not breathe and start living a life with your children where you and they are not living in fear.

CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 16:42

Yes I did. I am at mums with bad signal

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Vivacia · 28/11/2014 17:11

Well done Calm.

You live on your own terms now. If he asks a question, don't consider what your answer is, consider whether you even want to reply yet.

Dragonfly71 · 28/11/2014 17:20

Thinking of you Calm, so glad you are at your mums and have sent the email. You are an amazing person and deserve so much more, like happiness, real love, peace, support and people who know how fabulous you are. You have made the first step, hope you know none of this is your fault and feel proud Flowers

LouMum14 · 28/11/2014 17:31

Well done Calm. I wish you peace and strength moving forward. Flowers

BeeOrchid · 28/11/2014 17:36

Well done Calm Thanks

Apparentlychilled · 28/11/2014 17:46

Well done!

CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 17:55

He can't go to his mum's. .. apparently his mum has collapsed and has the ambulance round :(

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