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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

OP posts:
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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 27/11/2014 07:22

Oh ffs he's noticed I've got clothes out to get dressed. so cue the questions as to where I am going with who etc. After he has got all his answers he just walks off... doesn't even say have a good time or anything. It really keeps reminding me how he truly is.

oh and he has just told me he's found an Xmas present I would love. but can't get it because we don't have the money Hmm why would you even tell someone that. oh yes cause it's all bs and manipulation

OP posts:
Itsfab · 27/11/2014 10:53

One more sleep.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 27/11/2014 15:54

my mum has been nice and supportive today. only time GTBEXH has contacted me is to quiz me over finances again...

OP posts:
Itsfab · 27/11/2014 16:55

Ignore.

And accidentally block him on your phone. Maybe block everyone to make it believable then check every now and then for messages.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 27/11/2014 18:50

ugh wish I could pay someone to send the email tomorrow. I think the one I have written is awful too.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 27/11/2014 19:20

Awful in what way?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 27/11/2014 19:55

Too wordy in some places, not enough in others. Doesn't explain myself well. Not sure if the tone is right.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 27/11/2014 20:58

Husband

I do not want to be married to you any more.

Please go and stay with your mother while I have some space to think.

I will organise a time for you to see the children.

Calm.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 27/11/2014 21:15

Thank you. I have:

Dear GTBEXH,

I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. I think we need to have a trial separation, and see how we feel when we have space to think.

I will be at my mums tonight with the kids so that you can get the stuff of yours to take to your mums.

Please let me know when you would like to see the kids.

calm

OP posts:
Itsfab · 27/11/2014 21:29

I don't think you should say the first sentence but you must do what you feel is right for you.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 06:46

Feel so anxious and sick.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 28/11/2014 06:54

That sends out the wrong message.

You need to say something like.

Husband.

It is over.

I do not wish to be in any form of relationship with you any more. I am leaving the house for the weekend so that you can gather your things. You need to be out of the house by sunday night.

I wish to have no contact, and once you have left and i have settled the kids, we will arrange for them to have contact with you for one evening a week, and every other weekend.

This is non-negotiable. I shall be starting divorce proceedings as soon as reasonably practicable.

Do not try and contact me, i have been advised to make it clear that this relationship is over and i wish to have zero contact you going forward, apart from arrangements for the kids in due course.

Kindest regards

Calm.

tiredvommachine · 28/11/2014 07:46

What funky said. Good luck OP, if you waver, think of your children X

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 07:52

He's just left for work. I need to run a few errands and copy some stuff from his computer then I will send it Sad

He asked what we are doing together this morning in front of the kids. said it felt all week like I'm not trying and that his behaviour has been due to my moods...

OP posts:
Itsfab · 28/11/2014 07:56

Funky Flowers. That is perfect.

Good luck today Calm.

thatsnotmynamereally · 28/11/2014 08:01

calm stay strong-- I'm furious on your behalf that his behaviour is due to 'your moods'! Good luck today Thanks

Itsfab · 28/11/2014 08:13

I was under the impression you were married to a grown up who was capable of controlling his moods and not being influenced by someone else Hmm.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

tipsytrifle · 28/11/2014 09:05

What Funky said is perfect for your email. I'm thinking of you today. Try and think beyond today towards what you long for. This is how you achieve it.

ArgyMargy · 28/11/2014 09:12

Best of luck today, Calm. Stay strong.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 09:27

And now the damn doubt is starting to creep in. The what if I am nicer to him, what if we talk more, what if he needs me to instruct him how to help more Sad

It is just so final.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 28/11/2014 09:39

The what if I am nicer to him, what if we talk more, what if he needs me to instruct him how to help more

Nothing will change. Do you really think instructing him on how to help you more is going to work? [Hint: it doesn't.]

Think of the dog, of him not coming home each day and the fear you feel when he is due in.

Send the email, leave the house and step into a new free fearless life.

FunkyBoldRibena · 28/11/2014 09:40

The sickness is the flight/fight feeling. It is your body telling you exactly that.

You have been fighting for years, now it is time to do the opposite.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 28/11/2014 09:46

Fuck I'm pathetic agonising over this

OP posts:
Apparentlychilled · 28/11/2014 09:47

Calm- long time lurker popping up to say you shouldn't have to instruct an adult how to help. I know it looks scary now, but just do the next right thing and don't think further than that.

Do your errands, copy the stuff and send it. The right thing will happen even (especially) if it feels scary.

Apparentlychilled · 28/11/2014 09:47

Ps you're not pathetic- you're amazing.

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