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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me again. ..

558 replies

CalmAndConfused · 14/11/2014 16:57

hi,

I've had several posts on here about mine and my husband's relationship. The last post was because he said we should separate, however we then decided to give it one last go...which part of me feels is just prolonging the inevitable.

Anyway I'm am going out with friends tonight (first time in over a year), and H made comments on the underwear I'm wearing. He always asks if there will be males there if I go places without him...even asking me one time when I was going to a funeral (aparantly I was taking this wrong and he was meaning it as a compliment about him thinking I looked nice Hmm ) .

Also he keeps going on about how I mustn't be to late in case the kids wake up...

Is all this normal as it makes me feel like crap and means I can't enjoy my time out as I am clock watching etc

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Itsfab · 26/11/2014 16:19

Either google to find the land line of your local station - then delete the history- or ring 101. Say your husband choked you in year X after Y and on Friday you will be leaving him after years of abuse. You are scared of what he might do to you and your children and would appreciate their support and advice.

tipsytrifle · 26/11/2014 18:08

Perfect advice and even the 101 wording you need from Itsfab

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 18:14

Yes thank you itsfab. I will do that tomorrow.

GTBEXH is on form again tonight . He has gone through the finances again and then blamed me for aparantly messing them up...This is all over the PayPal thing still. We have then had his making it clear he is unhappy I went in the office today while he was out.

Tbh it's easier when he's like this as it reminds me how he truly is.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 19:22

Ugh he continues to be on fire tonight.

I've stayed in as I feel really unwell, which I am gutted about. I am going to watch masterchef and apprentice tonight after soaking in the tub and reading, before retiring to bed to have another good read (I know I'm boring lol who'd think I was 27!)

Anyway I have so far had him complain that it is another night where he won't get to see me... I have said that he is welcome to watch my programmes with me (more to prove a point about how unreasonable he is to myself), and of course that didn't go down well. We all know why that was.

He has propositioned for sex again and gotten very sullen that it is still off the table... ffs even if I wasn't leaving him, I'm fucking ill and knackered after looking after a baby and toddler + house...

He has told DD1 that she is in a foul mood before bed, which is a lovely thing to tell your 3 year old...

He has continued to inquisition about me going into the office, and whether DD1 went in also.

When he is like this I know it is right to leave, in fact any time spent around him I know that. But when he is away he has me so well mind fucked, that I start to doubt my own observations and convictions. Fingers crossed my mum is more supportive tomorrow... If not I have you amazing women though, and my sister. Flowers

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tipsytrifle · 26/11/2014 19:31

You're only 27?? omg you so need to get your life back!

He's a shit for telling a 3y old that he's in a vile mood - it's like training her to expect shit and walk on eggshells to please him, isn't it?

I can see how difficult it must be given that you're hoping to last til Friday but really all this inquisition is outrageous. Nothing you can say would ever be the right answer anyway because it's all about abuse.

You have to get out of there and you most certainly have us!

Itsfab · 26/11/2014 19:32

27? I honestly thought you were older and I have no idea why I thought that. I am 15 years older than you and when I was your age I was newly married and very happy. THAT is what you should have and you will have it one day.

Two sleeps.

tipsytrifle · 26/11/2014 19:37

and oops he told her SHE was in a shit mood? well, still wrong. Projection with same result, she's supposed to repress her mood for him?

awesome cross post with Itsfab!

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 19:39

Yeah I am just 27, been with him since I was 16, married at 21 Sad, I feel so much older.

I felt so angry and sorry for DD1 - she was in a fine mood, being a normal 3 year old. If she doesn't do what he wants the he is verbally very harsh with her, and then me for how I parent her...

He has just followed me downstairs (went up as DD1 was crying for me - he just ignored her and didn't tell me) to carry on complaining that I am not spending any time with him. I basically told him that I am not going to not watch my programmes so that we can do what he wants. It doesn't work the other way round. He then goes ' well I'm not telling you to not watch them'. Well no you fuck wit, but you are making it very unpleasant for me aren't you...

Oh and he's back upstairs, but before leaving he had to turn off the lights he thought I didn't need.

2 sleeps...2 sleeps. Thank you all for being here for me - I would have crumbled by now if not for you. Your are my lifeline, and you are slowly pulling me in to safety after I have been adrift in the ocean slowly drowning.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 19:41

She's meant to clap her heels together and ask how high when he says jump tipsy Sad He will even tell her off for not playing with her toys 'the way they are meant to be'. I.e she can't build a book house, she can't make a tent out of a sheet, etc

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tipsytrifle · 26/11/2014 19:49

omg tents made out of sheets are ESSENTIAL!! He's just horrible isn't he? I'm so sorry that you encountered such a bad example of a man. Having said that I was with my monster by 19y ... they've really got a grip on how to play you by not long after that ...

You will be so much better when you're away from him! And we're here for the journey, as long as you need us Flowers

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 20:09

I agree! I love a good sheet tent!

I moved in with him when I was 17 and just stating college, and looking back that's when the problems started.

Thank you, I am really hoping I am right to be jumping into the unknown. In my heart of hearts, I know the truth that I am. I need to take the leap based on the belief that so many wise, intelligent woman are not wrong, and that I am not wrong either for feeling how I do. It is good to know that you are all here for me, for the whole damn ride. Flowers

Going to need a lot of hand holding and slapping I feel on Friday

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BeeOrchid · 26/11/2014 20:12

27? I have children older than you. I have clothes older than you. Your life lies before you, you can still do so much at 27.

Now, seriously, get out Friday if not before. For the sake of your children. Let your DD have a home where she can play however she likes, make tents, mess and chaos like 3 year olds should. You must do this, you've come this far, Calm. You've spotted his abuse and manipulation. You are no longer Confused.
I do hope your mother's supportive , but even if she's not save yourself and your babies from this man. Please.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 20:53

Seriously he can't just let me fucking watch in peace... He just came to interrogate me to how I afforded to buy some chocolate today...

Ok, he just came back to have a go at me as to how come another £10 has come out of the account and to quiz me on 'why we are haemorrhaging money'... wtf. He then asks me why I'm getting hostile!!! FFS, why do you think GTBExH? You'd think if I'm so bloody awful he'd be wanting to leave me....

I will be so relieved I think when he is gone friday. I can't let this go on. It is hell for me, but also for DD1 who is starting to get more and more of his behaviour directed at her the more independent she is...and I know it won't be long before all 3 of us, me DD1 and DD2, are living an awful existence.

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 20:55

Friday I think I will buy myself some bloody ice cream and champagne! On a serious note I will be having take-away pizza with my sister. May take my onsie and slippers round! I'm debating spending the night at my mum's to get some tlc

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Itsfab · 26/11/2014 20:56

YOU ARE RIGHT TO BE JUMPING INTO THE UNKNOWN.

You could have 60 years living with this twat, though I expect he would fuck off before them as he gets bored of you and wants another toy to mess about with.

Two sleeps.

Two days until your daughter can make book houses and tent dens and you can leave all the lights on all the time!!

Itsfab · 26/11/2014 21:01

You already are living an awful existence.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 21:02

The thought of still being with him when the kids have left home, hating me for staying with him, and living the last years of my life with a grumpy miserable man fills me with horror itsfab. I have thought about that future a lot. I was doing some shopping yesterday and saw an old man and woman in the shop. The anger, resentment and hostility between them was awful , they way they were speaking to each other. That would be me and GTBExH.

NO WAY I say... I will jump Friday, and it will be like parachuting... scary as hell at first, but then an amazing elating feeling of freedom!

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Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 21:03

True, I know I am, but I was meaning the kids as well. And as their mum I can't be party to that.

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Itsfab · 26/11/2014 21:11

I meant you as in plural. All 3 of you.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 21:22

Oh sorry, illness and tiredness must be getting to me. You are right of course, and I'm the only one who can do the right things for us all.

Think I will probably stay at my mum's Friday as opposed to driving back home with both kids late at night. Plus I've not been able to stay over at my mum's in 10 years Sad

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Itsfab · 26/11/2014 21:41

I'd be staying at your mum's more than one night if you can.

Are you leaving Friday morning, emailing him to say you want him to move out then expecting him to just do it and then go back to your house on the Saturday?

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 26/11/2014 21:48

It's hard to call. He may come back over the weekend to grab all his bits, especially with how confrontational his family can be. He may grab his essential bits and leave the rest till later. I may be able so stay at mum's to Monday.

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Itsfab · 26/11/2014 22:19

He isn't just going to read your email and think yes, I am a twat and must move out immediately.

winkywinkola · 26/11/2014 23:22

Pack it all up for him. In boxes. Nice and neat. Easy for him to shift.

Original poster
CalmAndConfused · 27/11/2014 06:41

ugh GTBExH started trying to 'discuss ' our relationship at 11 pm last night as I'd just gone to bed trying to sleep. ..

This morning he started swearing at peppa pig. I dared to disagree as she was showing normal toddler behaviour and I got 'you've changed. I thought you hated peppa pig'.

DD1 just asked him to dance with her and he refused Sad He never plays with her like that.

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