non-molestation orders- any views?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

I met a new solicitor yesterday reccomended through a friend as I wanted a fresh view on my impending (perhaps) divorce. The existing solicitor has drafted a divorce petition but it hasn't been served yet, for various reasons (mainly because I don't want to deal with having to move out and the inevitable nastiness that will ensue). When I met the new solicitor and told her about H's ongoing abusive and controlling nature she immediately suggested that I should get a non-molestation order in place ASAP and divorce issues could come after that. I'd been told the opposite by my other solicitor-- that we should test out his reaction to the divorce petition first and if needed other action could follow.

To be honest when she suggested this way forward I felt a surge of relief... as I see it the non-molestation order is a document that says spells it out for him in writing that he has to be a decent person. I can stay living in the house and he doesn't get a criminal record unless he brings it on himself. I know it's going to cost upwards of 2k but the other option (rather than inertia) is to rent a flat and move out which I've priced up at around 10k and there are cat/dog issues.

She said that there would be no real chance of getting an occupation order (property in joint names, no specific violence or recent threats) so I guess the non-mol would say that he had to stay out of my bedroom (to be decided I guess??) and not boss me around, yell, swear, make demands etc. He is emotionally abusive and controllling, not violent. I'm thinking it will be a warning shot before the divorce petition comes his way. I might also be naively thinking that him seeing it spelled out will give him some insight into the unacceptability of his behaviour.

I spoke to a local branch of WA legal advice before and they reccomended non-mol but I didn't take it further as theysaid they only would deal with legal aid cases. I think my existing solicitor's advice was due to not wanting to rack up more charges for me (fine) and him thinking that H would possibly be OK with divorce scenario.

TBH H says he would be fine with divorce scenario 'unless I try to nick half of HIS money' -- of course I am going to pursue with a vengeance my half of our assets, I'm not stupid and know what I'd be entitled to. So he'll be fighting me for money, definitely.

Any thoughts? Experiences?

Yes indeed Feck and would you believe he's still had the nerve this morning to refer to my job as 'your really important job' , and he's texted several time saying 'I need support' etc, I've not answered. Not sure about tonight. As he still hasn't actually seen anything from the solicitor it's a sort of limbo. Not sure what to do about work, it's not the end of the world if I come in late, flixible to an extent, BUT I need to pull myself together if I'm going to have to actually live on my salary in the future :( I typically would take the train if he were going to need a lift but my life is easier if I take the car. As I said all in limbo if he doesn't truly believe I'm serious. Then he can have the b*y car to himself I guess, he will claim it is 'his'.

I think that him, taking some responsibility for himself, will do him a world of good. Stupid that he has to rely on me especially as I never measure up.

whose name is on the car vehicle registration document? whose name is the insurance under? is it one car or do you have two between you?

there is nothing to stop you moving out now and telling him divorce papers to follow.

yes cest that is the plan. But for a year I have been letting the same issues stop me from doing anything, it's always the cat/dog/car/DCs etc and me always overthinking things. Now I'm feeling like I don't care anymore, I know I can call police if he gets violent, and right now I do have the option of going to friend's flat temporarily if it all gets too much or he gets too shouty. So I've done a 'soft' test of telling him myself. I'm just thoroughly fed up with the whole situation.

just go. today. now.

cest

Hello that.

I've been following your thread and I am glad to see you posting again and I am made up that you have had the courage to tell 'd'h that you are filing for divorce.

Its also a really good thing that you are now seeing the things that stopped you doing this in the past dc/dog/cat are no longer things to stop you. They are just side issues, and there are solutions to them, but you were just not ready to face the fallout of stating you wanted a divorce. But you have done it ! You should feel very proud.

Thanks so much mac! At the moment I haven't left, because he's left, gone to the other place as I thought he would. I feel like I'm putting it off (leaving, that is) as I know he'll be back tomorrow or Monday perhaps, but I'm more comfortable here in my own house for now. And early next week the solicitor's letter,then papers served. I think.

I'm glad that I have told H, and a bit relieved that he hasn't kicked off, no violence (aside from mild suicide threats, to be expected). Whenever he's asked how I could be so mean I just think of his 36 conditions email...it still makes me angry!

Friday was a bad day for me. I was in tears again, at the thought of the unfairness of having to go it alone when my earning potential is zilch compared to H's, felt sorry for myself because I'm in this situation where I always put others' needs first, H then kids then pets then me was the pecking order but I've pulled myself together now, I've got to take some blame for my lack of career progress as well. I think what set me off was looking at others linkin profiles they all have so many 'connections', I dont have any at the moment no networking. Plus getting paid and having to send the whole amount, around £1k to the solicitor-- his bill refers to 'lengthy' conversations! Yikes. I'm glad I went with him instead of the more expensive-looking ones, the ones who were going to do the non-mol straight away. I'd better not jinx it and say the non-mol won't be necessary. But taking it a day at a time...

Brilliant idea, let's do some networking!

I would get myself some well rehearsed answers and stick to them. I wouldn't be drawn into discussions at this stage.

So for example

How can you be so mean/ your destroying our life = I'm not happy. I haven't been happy for a long time, I'm filing for divorce.

If you use the broken record technique he will realise he isn't going to draw you into an argument.

I also wouldn't stress too much about your lack of earning potential at this stage. Just keep working to keep the cash coming in and you can work on future earnings once your free from this marriage and the restrictions it has placed on you.

Personally I wouldn't be considering moving out of the home your in now. You have 2 properties within your matrimonial pot and there is no reason you could not have one each.

Hello that's.

How are things going for you ? Hoping too hear from you soon. X

Hi That's! just been reading your updates - massive congratulations to you, well done....the worst is over!!!

How is it going, Thatsnot? Hope you're ok.

Hi, still around, sorry to admit this but I have been avoiding updating as there's not much change. He's in 'nice' phase and I cannot remember having seen a 'nice' phase ever before. But I'm ultra creeped out. His idea of being nice is to fawn all over me, tell me he only wants to be with me, say that he (TMI) finds me attractive etc

Hi Thatsnot you sound much calmer now which is good.

Of course he is having a 'nice phase' now - at least half of the martial assets are about to walk out of the door with you and he will end up a lonely and sad old guy. just like someone else we know.

You are probably right to be suspicious regarding putting the house on the market ... Just make sure something is in place before it gets sold and where the funds will be going with his quite clear email about finances firmly in mind.

Just be careful.

I wouldn't bother with any 'abuser programmes' etc for him for now. There is nothing you can achieve in the short term and the mere suggestion that a 'man of his refinement' could possibly have any flaws may backfire. Speaking from experience again. Toad has still not forgiven me for asking him to attend the abuser programme or anger management.

Hope the papers are coming back soon. Keep going.

Thank you karen for the advice re: abusers program's, in my fantasy-mind he graciously accepts my advice, lightbulb goes on in his head and he books himself onto a therapy group and then pigs fly I hadn't considered that he would actually resent me for suggesting it. And truly, when it comes down to it the money aspect is where they really get offended, so it might add insult to injury. I will rethink that one! Grumpy toads indeed.

I'm meeting the counsellor next Tuesday (he said he'd meet once to talk about it, he really only deals with men) so being in the mindset of wanting to throw everything I can at the problem I think I will...especially as I'm currently spending (or wasting) ££ seeing a psychotherapist but she keeps asking why I can't communicate more clearly with H. I know she's doing what I 'briefed' her to do, which is help me look at why I don't deal with things and keep smoothing everything over (extends further than H, job as well etc) but I do despair that I'm still blaming myself for H being a total sh*t.

????

This is the closest I can find for 'flying pigs' emoticons.

Coincidentally I had this discussion about 'flying pigs' today per text with Toad. Bizarre does not even begin to describe it. We are well and truly on different planets.

He wants to see the children. The children don't want to see him. What is the next step? Asking me to meet him without the children. Words fail me. Toad logic par excellence.

I think you are wasting your time, but having wasted a lot of time myself trying to figure him out, I can understand why you are doing this. He won't change and he won't listen to you. He is the master of the universe (quoting WWK).

Keep all his emails and keep all hhis texts. Read them whenever you think he is getting into your head.

Update?

Hi Karen thanks for asking still loving the idea of the flying toad... not sure where I am at the moment. I started wondering if perhaps we could come to a compromise rather than going for the nuclear option, so to speak, he's been talking this weekend about how we're stuck in a rut and I tried to get him to expand on that I would love it so much if he had a mid life crisis and decided to leave me that would get me off the hook but I realised that he thinks it will all be solved if I do x, and y, and z.... it's not going to happen. So I emailed him this morning that I am seeing no option but to divorce, got an email back saying something to the effect of 'why are you sending me this when I'm trying to work' etc. So we'll see when I get home. We're a long way from non-mol orders right now. I'm seeing psychotherapist late this afternoon (again), will see if I finally gain any insight. I am totally and utterly stuck, all my own fault !!

Hi Thats please keep us updated - it's a long and hard process and you just have to do what you think is right and in your own time.

Keep going OP, you're so near to a new life.

Ok. I've been avoiding an update as I've still not made the break but I've got to write this or I will explode...

I saw a small house to rent, high £££ but doable. Only big enough for me and the cat plus a DC or two for the occasional stay (2v small bedrooms). Spoiler alert: I don't think I'm going to take it. But I want it so bad!

Right now, if I took it, it would mean leaving the family house (which needs to go on the market regardless of divorce) and facing a barrage of unknowns, mainly that I couldn't oversee the sale, arrange viewings, etc as easily. H is utterly incapable of doing any of that, he's good at His work/business but can't do anything else, mainly because I've always been there to do it. Selling a house is a minefield at best of times (well possibly not always but I'm a realist, plan for the worst and hope for the best). It's a big asset and if I move out the ensuing chaos may make the sale look like a divorce fire sale, (it may look like that anyway) but presentation could make 10's of k worth of difference to the price. Or it may not but once again I'm going by my intuition which is usually right on these, I've sold/bought houses before and like to think I'm pretty good at it or at least that I have some control over the situation...as much as I want to pack my bags and go I'd be doing myself a financial injury, money had always been the 'glue' that's kept me from leaving H but I am past the point of knowing that I need to leave him, biding my time, i want to carve out a life/career for myself now.

I also got myself together and redid my CV, got good response from agencies, but my head/life story is a bit wooly at the moment and my current work contract extends until mid May, they are (thankfully) flexible so during time of upheaval, dealing with agents etc its probably best to stay there. But I wanted this new house, new job, new life so bad, I could practically reach out and touch it! Getting myself and CV together was a big effort. Now I need to do the same with the house. And tell H that I won't be moving on with him. That can come at any point and I can get a non-mol if he kicks off, at a moments notice, I've gone through that thought process so many times.

Life's bliss when he isn't here (he's at our weekend house now I'm at home) he was away last week mon-thurs and when he came through the door Thursday night he launched into a tirade against me. About how I wasn't 'being a wife' to him (no sh*t Sherlock I want a divorce and he knows it, but he says he won't consider it until his big work project is finished blah blah) he demanded various random things, ie home made spaghetti for dinner when I already had a (ready made) chicken pie in the oven, I just complied for an easy life, he kept me running around for him all night. The prequel to this was that he'd driven back (from weekend house to main house) that morning and forgotten his house keys, sent me a message at work saying to come home as it was urgent, when I found out it was keys I told him to get spare set from neighbour (who it turns out wasn't in) for some reason he'd broken his phone in the meantime so didn't get my message, I left work when realised neighbour wasn't in so got there in, say 60 minutes instead of the 40 minutes it would have taken normally. I expected gratitude as one human being to another...he needed to go to a work meeting so I wasn't going to begrudge him inconveniencing me and my employer to make a point. But he just shouted at me as to why we didn't have a key buried in the front garden which is something I never did or intended to do. Sorry for long essay and once again TMI but need to remind myself. He was such a disorganised mess on Thursday I was seriously concerned about him. But thankfully he's gone again, I'm going to instruct estate agent today (he's in agreement on this) and start the big effort to get this place show home ready. When it's sold I can find myself a little rental and pay it with my take of the proceeds. Want it NOW! And that's giving me energy...

thats my lovely, a question for you regards the house sale that I just thought of.

You put the house on the market - it sounds like that is imminent, which is great. Has he signed the paperwork?

Let's just assume the house sells quickly for a reasonable price, and you are able to tell him that you are not moving in with him somewhere else, that you want a divorce.

Then what?

He's not going to willingly give you a fair share of any equity that comes out of the house, I wouldn't have thought. I don't know what the circumstances are regards the house being in joint names or whatever, and I am not sure of but I suspect you'll need some legal help to push the sale through and agree on how it's divided up, as part of the divorce.

I don't know if the conveyancing solicitors would hold the money while this was settled but if not then I'd guess you wouldn't be able to sell the house until it was settled.

Thanks pony, I'm so tangled up with indecision right now! I've put a deposit down on the tiny house I saw.they got back to me and said could hey have H's salary details as well as mine isn't enough for this rental...I told him I only wanted my name on the agreement but that my DS would be living there for a few months before he goes back to uni and he said it would be ok to put him on. Truth is, the rent is near enough 75% of my salary so maybe the whole things a stupid idea. I was planning to take it out of my savings, there is enough equity in the house but its still a huge chunk of money and feels so wasteful!

You've identified exactly what the issue is with regards to the sale, if I choose to stay, and I had a chat with solicitor last week, he said much as you've said here.

So I can either say, oh by the way I'm divorcing you so let's sell the house and split the money (cue dangerous situation and I have to leave) or do the sensible thing, get out and tell him from afar and separate that issue from house sale.

I've put down a weeks deposit to hold the house! I need to confirm what I'm going to do. I could easily pull out of this one and find something different in a months time. But that won't change the situation and we've signed the paperwork to put the house on the market so what we do afterward is going to be looming large.

He's also arranged a trip for us to see his family next week, I said I wasn't so sure it was a good idea and he got really angry and said I HAD to go. So long car journey in his car (slightly dangerous car I think) it will be ok if I go along with everything and pretend to be happy/excited (he's splashed out £££ on an expensive hotel for us + family members to stay in) but if I express Unenthusiasm he will shout and drive badly so I need to go along with it. If I have a house rental secured knowing I will come back to it, that may be easier? Or put me on edge the whole time?

The only cheaper option I could find would be a smaller place to rent but the kids won't then have the option of staying. I keep telling myself that if the house sells quickly (it might) I'd need to find a rental anyway but that's just trying to rationalise my desire to take this house and move out of this situation! I keep going in circles, FFS I love my house when he's not here!

Aargh posted under a pseudonym! Apologies, it's me