non-molestation orders- any views?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

I met a new solicitor yesterday reccomended through a friend as I wanted a fresh view on my impending (perhaps) divorce. The existing solicitor has drafted a divorce petition but it hasn't been served yet, for various reasons (mainly because I don't want to deal with having to move out and the inevitable nastiness that will ensue). When I met the new solicitor and told her about H's ongoing abusive and controlling nature she immediately suggested that I should get a non-molestation order in place ASAP and divorce issues could come after that. I'd been told the opposite by my other solicitor-- that we should test out his reaction to the divorce petition first and if needed other action could follow.

To be honest when she suggested this way forward I felt a surge of relief... as I see it the non-molestation order is a document that says spells it out for him in writing that he has to be a decent person. I can stay living in the house and he doesn't get a criminal record unless he brings it on himself. I know it's going to cost upwards of 2k but the other option (rather than inertia) is to rent a flat and move out which I've priced up at around 10k and there are cat/dog issues.

She said that there would be no real chance of getting an occupation order (property in joint names, no specific violence or recent threats) so I guess the non-mol would say that he had to stay out of my bedroom (to be decided I guess??) and not boss me around, yell, swear, make demands etc. He is emotionally abusive and controllling, not violent. I'm thinking it will be a warning shot before the divorce petition comes his way. I might also be naively thinking that him seeing it spelled out will give him some insight into the unacceptability of his behaviour.

I spoke to a local branch of WA legal advice before and they reccomended non-mol but I didn't take it further as theysaid they only would deal with legal aid cases. I think my existing solicitor's advice was due to not wanting to rack up more charges for me (fine) and him thinking that H would possibly be OK with divorce scenario.

TBH H says he would be fine with divorce scenario 'unless I try to nick half of HIS money' -- of course I am going to pursue with a vengeance my half of our assets, I'm not stupid and know what I'd be entitled to. So he'll be fighting me for money, definitely.

Any thoughts? Experiences?

Yeh I.ve seen those emails.
Same words, same phrases... Honestly just ignore no point trying to decipher. Soon he will be ranting to himself.

Go away, move anything important beforehand. Cut the ties.

Apologies for the me-me pity party but I feel I've had the most awful day. Tears at work, I feel utterly incapable of solving this situation, I think it's worse because I usually (every weekend) go out to other house but tomorrow I'm meeting friends for a lunch which I'm cooking so no leaving early/ dropping out at the last minute like I've done so many times before. When I got home I called WA wrt what to do about the directive to go out... No insight whatsoever, I had cooked up a ridiculous plan as I think I've been having (minor) panic attacks to go to A&E (I have already called 111) and then tell H I had come over all dizzy on the bus (journey to other house requires bus-tube-train which takes 2+ hours. Stupid on a Friday night after working all day) and gone to A&E thus creating a documented excuse not to go. I actually did take the bus, got off and walked to A&E dept and knew it would be ridiculous to waste their time so walked back home. In the meantime H texted 'where are you' to which I replied 'A&E. but all ok now'. No response, I walked home, sat down (with glass of wine) and I had text 'are you here yet' then a phone call. No asking how I was, just when was I arriving. I'm writing this down to see how stupid it looks! And why am I engaging with this? Habit? No idea, 25 years of training in tuning in to his every whim. I need for this to be over, this week or when I get back from trip, and if after I need to set it up now.

I f-ing hate him. What a waste of an evening, I could have gone to yoga. Sad face! I bet he will be badgering me to come out tomorrow. I need to either divert him and smooth things over, or pack/leave.

Feel as sorry for yourself as you want. Enough will feel enough at some point and you'll take action.

WA won't tell you what to do, or how to live your life. They are there to help YOU decide what YOU want to do and help YOU decide how you want to live your life.

There's a world of difference between being considerate to your partner, and his behaviour influencing yours to the extent you fear even making minor social arrangements, and go to A&E to provide an alibi for exercising what should be your free will.

Marriage is a choice in this country.

25 years is a long time. 26 years is even longer . 25 sounds like long enough, eh?

Just a quick update: I spoke to my other (original) solicitors, my usual one is away so I spoke to someone else, they know about DV so their website says (I keep wondering, they all seem to be DV specialists?) and they came back and said that non mol wouldn't solve all my problems. Spoke to the previous who'd suggested mon mol, who gave me the hard sell again.

So I think I'm going away, will come back and serve divorce papers, not stay at house if he's there. Friend has offered a bed, I don't want to over stay my welcome with her but I have to do something. Not much choice after all my investigations.

Going away is good - when are you actually going? It must be soon. Agree not to do anything until you come back and just enjoy spending time with your family. Put him out of your mind until after you are back.

Why no non mols? I think you have a very strong case to get non mols and possibly an occupation order, due to his behaviour in the past with police involvement. He got angry about a minor issue to the point of getting arrested. He is going to get even more angry when it will become clear to him, once he has overcome the initial shock, that you will be going after your share of the assets. You have a track record of his bad behaviour and you can argue that this is going to be repeated.

You cannot serve this man with divorce papers without protection in place.

I am not entirely sure how far things are along with the new law covering emotional abuse, but you should have a fair wind with this being under discussion now. The court will think twice about not granting you the orders.

If there is another property where he can stay, he has accommodation and you can write this into your application. The court will want to know where he can live and go to work, realistically. You have to live in the family home, your DS lives there, you go to work when you live. He is the troublemaker. He has to leave, not you. Go to the section where it says 'conduct of the parties' and 'financial resources of the parties'. You can outline everything there and make suggestions regarding your respective accommodation.

I'd get yet another professional opinion. Just guess how many solicitors I went to see and how many different suggestions I received how to go about things.

I think you understate his behaviour.

I don't think anyone has said a non mol will solve 'all' your problems have they? It will give you some protection from harassment though, which given Friday's shenanigans seems necessary.

I would serve the divorce papers and non mol when you come back, stay with your friend while looking around for a flat to rent while processing the divorce. Unless of course you might qualify for an occupation order, in which case you could stay on the house and your husband moves out.

Xpost with Karen

I think they're saying don't bother spending the money at this point... I'm so fed up with the whole situation that I'm past caring about the best way, just want action. In the mean time I've got problems at work... They've Noticed how absent I am plus many tears in office. I'm wondering if he's made it impossible for me to work he de facto owes me. I just know he'll be delighted if I quit or get cancelled (contract so no long term anyway)

apologies fir being money minded as we're not that badly off atm, but I'm FURIOUS.

It's much more important that you keep your job than you have to fork out for a non-mol. And actually it may be crucial to helping you keep your job.

You need to let someone at work know that you're in the process of leaving an abusive relationship. Not everyone is clued up on dv, but they may cut you some slack.

Broke down in tears yesterday. Told a few ppl some details. Fed up. Almost happy to leave now bad memories, I need new start. Been on phone too much, will work now!

H sent a link to a daily mail article on menopause to my work email. Hopefully this is an offense, I could tell sys admin?

A link to the Daily Mail can always be conscrued as offensive.

my thoughts exactly slug!

(I didn't click but colleague saw the email)

Can you afford to leave? How will you be for income?

Get on with your work and put him out of your mind for now. It's devastating. I know exactly what you feel like and how difficult to concentrate if you are getting all this abuse all the time. It is very confusing.

Please try and keep your job. It is much more difficult to find a new job while you are going through divorce and having to deal with your divorce proceedings than keeping your old job. It will give you some stability.

Keep your job. There may be a delay with SM. WWK can explain this better than I can. Keep your income. You will need it to pay your legal bills.

Twinkle we keep X-posting this morning.

So we do.

Mulling it over, I'm thinking about leaving my job, I'm giddy with exhilaration at the thought of a new start. Job is only contract til February... I could give notice now and mention personal circumstances.. I need a new start, could be doing a better job... Think my attitude to work now is that I'm settling for cr@p. Perhaps? End in Feb? . Might be bad idea.

Apologies didn't mean to be in direct contradiction with advice above. Its just got me thinking that keeping a substandard job going is a bit like keeping a substandard marriage going. Just thinking.

Can I offer so practical advice? I'd urge you to get a counsellor if you haven't already got one. They are there as a 'sounding' board as you work through your feelings, because how you feel 'right now' is not the same as how you feel in five minutes, tomorrow, next week, next year. A good one can help you separate out what's causing the anxiety/stress and guide you to making an informed and thought-through decision. They can help you weigh up the risks of any decisions.

It was when I started having 'panic attacks', something I have never experienced in my life before, that I knew I couldn't go on dealing with me myself and I!

I get the feeling you're bottling up so much and then exhausting yourself with trying make lots of big decisions, when really you need to slow down and try take care of yourself first. A counsellor gives you that time to think, will have some practical tips, and just seeing one gives you space to head to rationalise things, rather than dealing with the 'worst case scenario-ing' that a "divorce" head gives you.

I think a new job would be a great idea, but unless you have funds stashed away to live on, packing this one in before you've got a new one may be a big mistake.

I would perhaps take things a step at a time - sort out the end of your marriage first and then sort out a new job.

WWK I had counselling via local woman's aid, I got terribly frustrated with my lack of progress/action, I've now started seeing a psychotherapist as I wanted to examine my reasons for my inertia... V v interesting going over childhood and family experiences. And I feel more proactive, interestingly this has prompted me to question my job, counsellor puts things in perspective. I've been agonizing about My Big Trip and she's reminded me that it's just a short holiday to see my parents, for me it's a monolithic statement of my independence and I don't have to think I'm doing something terrible. Same with changing jobs. People do it all the time. I used to have more confidence!

Thx twinkle, I think I could do it, on my own I can live quite cheaply. Also I could do some property development, or work in a different job to the one I'm in, or do an MSc in something I'm really interested in... Its open for 2015 entry now

Good to read. Yes, it's amazing how we beat ourselves up for doing innocuous things for ourselves - like having a holiday!

At some point, married life stopped me (and you) behaving like adults, and it sounds like you have been 'told off' either by him, or in your head, for putting you first at all.

I am learning to take more responsibility for me again. It's a nice feeling.

Take care.

I'm writing this from the USA, made it here successfully, all well with family. Had a lovely day. But I'm feeling guilty. I was totally no contact with H Friday, Saturday, then sent him a text from the airport before we left on Sinday as he was threatening to call police, so I just said I was off to the states to visit family. Of course he sent a flurry of texts after that, I turnedoff phone. Had emails from him today asking for a phone number to call on, asking where dd is. I'm feeling guilty, but if he wasn't such a d*ck he'd have had an invite, right? I did do the right thing... Didn't I?