non-molestation orders- any views?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

I met a new solicitor yesterday reccomended through a friend as I wanted a fresh view on my impending (perhaps) divorce. The existing solicitor has drafted a divorce petition but it hasn't been served yet, for various reasons (mainly because I don't want to deal with having to move out and the inevitable nastiness that will ensue). When I met the new solicitor and told her about H's ongoing abusive and controlling nature she immediately suggested that I should get a non-molestation order in place ASAP and divorce issues could come after that. I'd been told the opposite by my other solicitor-- that we should test out his reaction to the divorce petition first and if needed other action could follow.

To be honest when she suggested this way forward I felt a surge of relief... as I see it the non-molestation order is a document that says spells it out for him in writing that he has to be a decent person. I can stay living in the house and he doesn't get a criminal record unless he brings it on himself. I know it's going to cost upwards of 2k but the other option (rather than inertia) is to rent a flat and move out which I've priced up at around 10k and there are cat/dog issues.

She said that there would be no real chance of getting an occupation order (property in joint names, no specific violence or recent threats) so I guess the non-mol would say that he had to stay out of my bedroom (to be decided I guess??) and not boss me around, yell, swear, make demands etc. He is emotionally abusive and controllling, not violent. I'm thinking it will be a warning shot before the divorce petition comes his way. I might also be naively thinking that him seeing it spelled out will give him some insight into the unacceptability of his behaviour.

I spoke to a local branch of WA legal advice before and they reccomended non-mol but I didn't take it further as theysaid they only would deal with legal aid cases. I think my existing solicitor's advice was due to not wanting to rack up more charges for me (fine) and him thinking that H would possibly be OK with divorce scenario.

TBH H says he would be fine with divorce scenario 'unless I try to nick half of HIS money' -- of course I am going to pursue with a vengeance my half of our assets, I'm not stupid and know what I'd be entitled to. So he'll be fighting me for money, definitely.

Any thoughts? Experiences?

I think you should take the little house! Pay the rent in a lump sum in advance if need be! Do not go to visit family with him! Get yourself away from him for 6 months and push on with the divorce and I'm sure your head will clear! If he kicks off about you moving out or not visiting family ring the police & get the non-molestation order you have talked about! Try & take some control back That's! Where are you with the divorce at the moment?

And paying 6 months rent on the house is not wasteful if it gets you away from him once & for all! In fact it sounds to me like a wise investment!

I am paralysed with fear of the unknown and suffering from intense indecision! I walked into the office feeling like it would be such a relief to NOT take this house but take from this experience that I need to find a way to stay in MY house that works for me... and progress the divorce as most people do, in situ so to speak. If he gets violent I can get him excluded from the house. I could spend some of the 'rental money' on another holiday to Florida or anywhere, rents in our part of London are ridiculously expensive and it would no doubt feel like money wasted. When the big house is sold, I can get my own place, whether renting or buying I will feel it's my progression forward, not a temporary fix.

Solicitor said that he thinks, in the circumstances, that H will choose to leave the house (as he hates it so much and has an alternative place to go, his belolved weekend house) so it could be a chance that the big house would sit there essentially empty (or I'd move back in and the rental house would be sitting empty at circa 2k per month).

Perhaps I would be better off for now, as I've thought about before, to get a cheaper rental or just a room somewhere if I could find one short term, rather than take on a 'nice' place. I can imagine all my frustration focusing on the money I'm wasting on rental if he leaves the house and simultaneously withdraws his financial support (at the moment he puts his salary into joint account so I don't really have any money worries, as much as I can rationalise the money spent on rental I'm too short-sided and pathetic to want to be throwing money away, at least if I went on holiday it would be more rational than spending on something that isn't really that exciting to be honest, I think I'm just reading into this house the life I want to be having post-divorce and wanting to jump the gun, it could backfire if I hate it and instantly regret giving up the comforts of a tolerable situation. Perhaps better to see this as a sign of where I want to be. Plus I have a fear of being wrong about what I want, ie the rental house looks great via rosy tinted glasses but the reality is things like no window in the bathroom and no tumble drier and no space for a dining table and no fireplace etc petty petty things might mean I instantly come unstuck. In fact I am seeing this materialising before my very eyes, now that I've admitted it to myself! No tumble drier. No cat. etc. No storage space. I could deal with all that if I were truly on the run or in between houses but as an alternative?) I have just had another idea-- I could perhaps go on a yoga retreat to somewhere for a long time, or perhaps take a cheap rental in france for a while, I know a few places I could go and be totally anonymous!

Elizabeth I'm sorry to sound like a weak waffler but it is so good to get some debate on it as it's all in my head right now and driving me crazy! I'm sure the estate agent will be chasing me today.

I think the main thing is just to focus on getting the divorce through asap.

Once you've got your settlement you'll have more options.

You might read this thread, if you haven't already. Your husbands are quite similar:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2325003-Divorcing-a-paranoid-narcissist

de-lurking to wish you well.

A cheaper 1 bed flat that's still do-able for commuting to work and can take your cat would be fine for 6 months, just to get you properly separated and keep the house sale as its own issue. Your kids likely won't be staying both at the same time right away, and can bunk on a sofa bed in the living room for short visits. They're adults now, they'll understand.

MShip thank you.. And that's the sort of thing I have been thinking, it may be better if I treat another place as a temporary fix rather than a long-term nice solution, it may help with the money-wasting aspect, I perhaps have just got fixed on this particular place, which is understandable if I may say so myself as it's part of visulaising a new life as a better option to my current life, which aside from H is really a pretty good life.

Twinle yes I've been lurking on that thread with nothing helpful to add in a sort of way but I wouldn't have made the connection with H.

suddenly feeling very ashamed of myself!

Why, That's?

thatsnotmynamereally It's easy to get fixated on possible solutions, without considering your full range of options. People do it all the time, so don't worry about it if you realize you've been doing it too!

Take a step back, and look at what needs fixing now: you need a safe base from which to manage your divorce. Safe means physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially. You may not be able to satisfy all those things, but you will know what your priorities are and that will help you decide on a course of action.

Haven't updated this thread for ages... mainly because I hadn't done anything. After much discussion about how best to proceed, Solicitor posted a letter and papers to the house a couple of weeks ago but he hadn't seen it. Long story short, I put the envolope on the table this morning (then ran out of the house) and he's read it.

So.... what now??? He's crumpled everything up and thrown it on the floor.

Basically, I'd not presented him with the letter (he never checks the post) as he hadn't been home very much, but has been this week because he had an important job on, big meeting yesterday. I've been saying for weeks that I wanted a divorce and had seen a solicotor and he's been nagging and bad but not dangerous, so to speak, I think the drip-drip method was the best approach. But I knew I had to get him the papers to see I was serious, but was also v worried how he would react as I've the papers actually came back from the court for ages ago and perhaps it would have been better, gentler, kinder, to 'involve' him at more early stages (blah blah, just me agonising over every single aspect of everything) anyway, he's seen it now.

So, I was going to ask the solicitor to email him, but he made me so mad this morning by telling me that 1) I shouldn't be allowed to vote because I am only in the country because of him and because I was going to divorce him I shouldn't be allowed (I am naturalised citizen of the UK but from the USA) 2) I shouldn't be allowed to vote because only people who earn over 60k should be allowed to vote, because only people who earn over 60k actually contribute to society and everyone else is a net taker (or some such nonsense). Well that made me see red. My blood was boiling and so I said, 'OK, bye then, I'm going off to vote then on to work afterwards. You'll find divorce papers on the table.'

So I set off down the street, then wondered if I hadn't been too hasty, ie perhaps I should have packed a bag or something, so turned back... but he called me, had opened the letter already, I went home carefully to see how he was reacting which was calmer than I would have thought, but was mostly angry with me as I hadn't provided his special bubble bath (he'd been in the bath when I left) and said that he had been itching because of that... he seems to be ignoring the fact he's had divorce paper??! but he pointed to the crumpled papers and said 'you won't be needing that because I'm going to top myself anyway'. Hmmm. I didn't really react.

I was hoping he'd just leave town to the other house, but he has gone in to work. So, no idea what to expect tonight! But I have the car, I could leave town myself. If he goes to the other house he will need the car, I'd happily leave it for him if he'd promise to go. But I've just had texts from him all morning, saying he 'has black depression' so what to do??? At least I'm busy at work today!

I was thinking about renting a flat but I got angry at the thought of being hounded out of my house by him. And the waste of a lot of money. So I've thought that I would see, if he acts violent I can always call the police. I wish he'd just go away... but I guess everyone feels that way!

well at least you can move on now. Who gets home first in the evening?
pack him a bag, & tell him to go to the other house tonight.
Stay incredibly calm, Don't argue, don't listen to his idle threats, if he gets violent call the police immediately, they will make him leave.
Be strong

He's called, wants me to go out to the other house with him tonight?? How deluded is he? Tricky, as I've got the car and he needs the car.

I emailed solicitor about the situation, he has advised that I un-crumple the papers and re-present them to him.... or just leave them on the table I guess.

I have an overwhelming urge to leave work early and go shopping and forget about it all stupid retail therapy won't be available to me after he''s gone he obviously is totally disregarding my 'big move', which took me so much to build up to (serving the papers), so I'm sort of back at square 1. Hmmm. rent a flat, non molestation order?? Long holiday in the USA?

Also, our lovely family home which he hates with a passion (too suburban for him) is going on the market and we've arrange a 'preview' day over the weekend. And it needs major sorting/vaccuming of dog hair before then. He's keenly desperate to sell it so why is he scuppering it? It should have gone on the market 3 weeks ago.

why does what he want "trump" what you want ?
Just tell him NO, he can take the car & go.

No, I'm not going. Just surprised he asked.