MIL problems..

[Happymum1985]

Thought id post here as really feel at a loss about what to do.. Sorry for the essay, its been going round and round in my head.

My DH is an only child and has always had a close relationship with his mum. She has had a troubled life and because of this, has quite a few issues. Up until DS was born last year, I found her hard work and quite demanding, but we managed to get along fine and I always made effort to see her and have contact with her because having a relationship with her was important to me.

Looking back there were signs she possibly didnt like me, because her reaction when DH told her about our engagement and pregnancy were very odd (she said she was busy and would call back later and hung up the phone). There was the odd thing like her wanting to go on holiday (on her own) with DH for two weeks (two years in a row) and expecting him to go down and stay with her a week before DS was born to 'dig holes in her garden' ?! But again, I tried to be tolerant of all this. She is on her own and doesnt have friends so I understood she was lonely.

Once DS had been born it started to go downhill fast. She came to stay with us the day I got out of hospital even though I had specifically said no visitors. When I got back and she showed up, I didnt have the energy/ didnt want to cause a scene so bit my tongue. She then proceeded to stay for 4 nights and didnt lift a finger to help, wanted to hold DS all the time when I was still in the stage when I felt like I wanted to bond with him and hold him all the time. There was a time il never forget when my DH had popped out and she said she was hungry and me- the mug- was trying to bend down to get plates etc and prepare lunch for her 5 days after a c-section whilst she held DS. Every time she came to stay subsequently she was the same- expecting hotel service and not understanding things had changed.

The last time I saw her was 4 months ago when she came to stay and everything exploded. In a nutshell, she had worked herself up into a rage- we didnt realise- because she wanted time alone with my DH and apparently she had told me this in the morning and we had agreed she could have this time alone with him (i do also find this slightly rude!) -I had totally forgot about this so rather than saying anything she had got really angry. Anyway, i was cooking and passed DS to DH. As I did so, she snatched DS out of my arms and stormed past me saying DS needed to sleep and DH was exhausted. I was fuming, DS started crying and DH sat there like a shell shock victim not knowing what to do. I stormed up after her and retrieved DS (I dont know what came over me but i was shaking in rage). She then stayed upstairs for about half an hour and DH took her out for a walk. On this walk she slagged me off and basically told him she wouldnt be coming to stay again as she found me stressful to be around, that I was a bad mother, a nasty person etc and tried to stir problems between my DH and I by saying I didnt seem to want to spend time with him..

Since she left we have had zero contact. My DH told her that she owed me an apology. She refused to apologise which infuriated me more, and made no contact. It is my DS birthday in a couple of weeks and she said she wanted to come up to see him on his birthday. We have told her we are having a family day but that she can visit around the time of his birthday. She then asked if she could stay at our house (she has no shame!!). My DH said he would speak to me.

When he got back to her and said no, and pointed out to her that she had previously said she couldnt bear to stay with us and would stay in a hotel for her next visit, she announced that she had already booked her train ticket. She then said she didnt have enough money to stay in hotel (rubbish) and said she would meet me for a coffee before staying at our house to 'sort things out' My DH pointed out that she was being a little naive by thinking all could be forgotten after a quick coffee...she also upset my DH by saying its hurting her that he is 'choosing me over her'. He told me last night that it feels unnatural to tell his mum she cant stay.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing? I have stuck to my guns and said she is welcome to come and see DS around his birthday and that I will meet up with her to talk but that she is not welcome to stay. I don't trust her and feel like she is someone that enjoys drama and creating problems and her demands on my DH's time are not conducive to a normal functional relationship. I don't hate anyone, but I think I might hate her.. I just have so much anger and resentment there that I don't know if I can get rid of... I know things cant go on like this but I cant bear her and dont know how to move forward...

Really quite shocked to read your last post, and so sorry to see that your good day at work ended in such a way.

Do you think he reacted so badly because this is the first time he's been forced to confront his mother's behaviour ? I guess it's easier for him to call you unreasonable than to face up to the fact that his mother is, indeed, weird. This calls into question his childhood and his relationship with her now.

You know you're not unreasonable. He's trying to say matter closed, move on. That's not reasonable because he knows you're upset, nothings been resolved and it's affecting you two. His solution is that you put up and shut up, and that's not going to happen.

Glad you made some sort of resolution at the end. Do you think it's feasible ? And dare I ask were you supposed to all be seeing her over Christmas ?

What do your family think about the situation with your mil ?

I'm not totally sure.. he likes an easy life and doesnt respond well to stress.. I think he hates me pointing out the issue because he probably thinks the only way for us to survive is to move forward. Maybe hes right. I don't get why he suddenly got so angry with me for saying his mum was weird. He knows perfectly well thats what I think and he's even said himself that shes mad..

I hope its feasible. He has certainly made effort today so I am going along with it because I hope it works and I don't know what else to do. I am hurt by some of the things he said to me yesterday but I feel like it won't be constructive to discuss them so I just have to try and put them to the back of my mind. I feel a bit daunted.

I came up with the idea of heading homeward on Boxing Day (after spending xmas day as a family) dropping DH and DS at MIL and then going on to my family's. I will then pick up DH and DS two days later and bring them to my mum's for the night/day before heading home.

My family think she is a nutter. I think they are angry with her but also fearful because they dont want her to wreck our happiness. They have all met her and found her odd even before all of this..

What!?! You are dropping your son and DH to stay at his mums for two days! So they can have 'some alone time'?! He threw a glass at the wall and called you weird?! He is questioning 'how compatible' you are, because you legitimately question his mothers actions?! This is not normal. You should be equal partners, not someone whose thoughts/needs are secondary.

I know it is very easy for MN's to comment and we are not living this. I know it is easy for us to comment when you have invested so much in a relationship etc. Please remember that you are worth so much more and so is your son. Imagine the influence she will have on him? She may expect as he gets older to have 'time' alone with him for periods of time. I agree with a PP, she acts as though she is treating your DP as though he is her spouse and your son is their child!

Sorry but leaving your son for two days over Christmas for them to oaky happy families and you somewhere else is very wrong !!!! I'd change that plan right away

Why not just drop your husband off?

"Love me, love my mum dog". It's one thing for him to say his mum is mad, quite another for you to! He can say it because he knows it means nothing when he says it. If you say it, however, it means that something needs to be done. And he knows he's the one who should do it. Unless, of course, you are going to be content to let things continue with MiL insulting and undermining you, which I assume you are not, then DH knows that at some point he will have to 'choose' between you. MiL isn't going to change and he knows it. Therefore in his mind, YOU will have to be the one to 'give in' order to make HIM happy. And I think he knows that isn't going to happen. That's why he wants to sweep things under the rug and 'be nice'.

It's obvious from his violent action that he knows he's boxed into a corner. What I can't figure out is if it's because he knows you are right and he just doesn't want to confront his mother and side with you, or because she has him convinced you are 'wicked' and he doesn't want to truly confront you and side with her.

I don't think there has been any resolution. Trying to 'be nice' for a month won't do a thing because part of 'being nice' will be not discussing his mother or you having to stifle yourself when she's around because you don't want him to accuse you of breaking the 'be nice for a month' pact. You're in a lose/lose situation.

My advice for this 'be nice' period is to take this time and decide what YOU really want for your life (and your DS's). It's apparent to me that your DH will not do anything about his mother and that, deep down, he thinks she is right and you are unreasonable. Is this really what you want to live with? Having to tippy-toe around, not only her, but your DH about her? To have her call the shots in your marriage and your mothering? To listen to her undermine you in your marriage and with your child? Think very hard, then decide. But don't give DH an ultimatum (me or mum) unless and until you are ready to walk out if he chooses her.

Listen, I had a wonderful MiL. Truly an angel. If DH complained about me, she gave him the rough side of her tongue & sent him home to me to work it out. If she was an indulgent grandmother, I forgave her because when it came to the important things, she did it 'my way' (unless her way was better, which it sometimes was!). In turn, I respected her and asked her advice on marriage and motherhood, knowing she had our best interests at heart.

The day we married, she put DH's hand in mine and told me "If I die tomorrow, I will go happy because my son has you to take care of him". I was blessed with her. That is what a MiL should do. Take a back seat gladly and let her son and DiL grow in their marriage. Because their happy marriage is really a reflection on HER as well as on them.

well... yeah I'm aware it sounds odd.. but I can't bear the thought of spending any time with her, but obviously DH should (and will want to) see her over Xmas. I also don't want to be accused of not letting her see GS. I am also very aware that I shouldnt influence GS's relationship with her at all, so don't want to start bad habits.

I feel like its the only solution.. I feel like my relationship is suddenly so fragile.

He really said you was weird and HE can't believe the last nice things you did for HIM?

I'm shocked. Honestly? Why would you want to do anything nice for him after everything he has done regarding his MIL?

Would I FUCK leave my child with them as if nothing has happened.

You need to react. You need to make him see and get a backbone. Look what they have BOTH done to you and you are letting them get away with it!

I'd already be at my mom's house!

Acrossthepond I was thinking that earlier to calm myself. I can use this month as internal peaceful thinking time.

The relationship you had with your MIL is the same one my mum had with hers. I think I assumed all Mil/dil relationships were like that?!

I do feel like I want to go away for a bit Mommybird.. but I have work and can't take any time off right now.. so I am a bit stuck.(my mum isnt close enough to just pack a bag)

Sorry. None of that made any sense.
I'm so angry for you. You care so much about them and their feelings that you are forgetting your life, your feelings

You are so worried about them and they don't seem to care about you.

It isn't your only solution , who cares what she says or thinks . Take your son up to your family and have a nice few days and leave your hd off to see her . Stop trying to please both of them and please you self because at the moment no one is thinking of your happiness .

This reminds me of that thread in classics (linked to recently, I can't remember if this thread or another one) where the DH, when OP lost patience and MiL really stepped over the line, went upstairs, got under the duvet and said he didn't want to talk about it. And then kept avoiding her and going out.

OP was very understandably hurt and furious.

It finally emerged when OP and DH managed to talk, that he was so shattered about realising his DM was not ok, that things were not ok, that he was having to face some awful realisations about himself and his relationship with her and his childhood - he just didn't know how to cope or function. And his main confidant and support, his partner, was furious with him. The getting under the duvet part alone gives away how young he'd regressed to, rather like your DH lobbing the glass at the wall. You say it's absolutely uncharacteristic - it reflects extreme stress and inability to cope with it.

Sadly, these men are often emotionally abused children walking around in large bodies, and they cope fine until they have to open up that particular set of memories and relationships - and there they still are. Abused children, stuck at that age.

Someone on that thread said to the OP at the time, something like 'try offering comfort. Try connecting with that frozen, distraught part of him that needs you'. And I thought - sod that, I'd be saying get the hell out of that bed and have a grown up conversation if you plan on still being married by breakfast time, you are not the injured party here! But once the OP and her DH managed to communicate about it.... I do wonder if that poster was on to something.

If his DM manages to damage his marriage for her own benefit she's going to be piling on more of the EA she's already managed to do to him. I wonder if he's realising this.

OP, this is so sad, you sound a bit scared. Will you be OK not seeing your son for 2 days? Why so long?

By the way, my DH threw a glass at the wall last week in sheer frustration, it's not the end of the world.

The thing that really jumped out at me from your update was that he broke the glass and then walked off expecting you to clean it up.

And you did clean it up.

You cleaned up his angry broken glass. You thought it would hurt DS so you cleaned up the results of his anger. You did not make him clean it up to protect his DS. He did not try to clean it up to protect his DS. He did not bother about having made work for you either.

He expected it of you and you complied.

It seemed small but significant to me.

How often do you clean up after him?

OP, I'm a fairly confrontational type, but something in rumble's post has struck a chord with me. I think he is scared and he does need you.
I think that you need to be the clever one here and not let his M drive a wedge in. I think that the next few weeks will be very important for you and your DH, try to connect with each other and build bridges. Don't let this stupid woman win.

Happy mum, is my understanding right.....
MIL is a truly manipulative, damaged & nasty piece of work & ,your DH acknowledges this.
Because MIL is so awful, she wants DH & DGC for 2 days Xmas week, meaning that DC' S other GPS won't see him?
WTF? If you put a rose between your teeth & danced the full fandango, your MIL would still pull you to pieces about the balls of your feet!
S©d her & "D" H. Let them both have 2 interrupted days of sheer bloody hell bliss together whilst you take your child to your parents, for a grounded, loving, family time together.
You have given MIL a loving, loyal wife for her son & a doting, caring mother for her grandchild. If she can't like you for this, she's not worth bothering with.
Let DH spend some quality time alone with his mummy. That'll cure him!

Sounds like this is make or break time. I do so hope you make it. He has a real chance here, it won't be easy.

A few observations:
Has he apologised for the glass? Did he thank you for clearing it up?

He says you have distanced yourself and yet it was he who moved into the spare room.

I honestly don't know why you're caring if it looks like you're 'robbing' your son of a relationship with her. She is poisonous - YOU need to get that before he does. You don't want your son being poisoned by her.

You also don't need to be facilitating a relationship between them - it is an inappropriate relationship (I've been trying to think of this in different ways: if it were his dad he was close to and wanted to regularly spend exclusive time with eg days... It's just weird, either way. And what if it was YOUR dad YOU wanted to regularly spend exclusive time with eg days? That would be weird! Or if your dad ignored your husband, focused entirely on you and your son as if he was your family and your husband the add-on, sending gifts for your son with your name emblazoned on it... All of it is just WEIRD.)

*facilitating a relationship between your husband and his mother

I think Rumble makes some excellent points. Having followed your post I think your dh literally cannot cope with another person criticising his mother. From what you've said she has an unhealthy relationship with him, and he just cannot look from the outside in.

Could you ask him if he generally thinks you are an unreasonable person. Then, being totally honest, can he tell you the things that you have said and done in relation to his mother that he thinks were unreasonable. Can he see anything that his mother has said/done to you that he can agree were unreasonable.

I think things are too fragile to mention going nc , I think he'd just retreat. You do however need to protect yourself from being around her just now. As regards your christmas plans. I should imagine he will see it as deeply unfair that your family get to see their gc if you decide to not allow them a cosy couple of days as a threesome. However, I don't see that you should be without your very young child over any of the christmas period, just because of his mother. He can of course chose to do this and visit his mother on his own.

I should imagine he'll play the card about it being so unfair that his mum might not see her gc over christmas. Does he think it fair that you feel you have no choice but to leave your child and go alone to your parents ? It's going to be a no-win either way, so you may just have to put yourself first.

I've talked a little about my own situation on your thread. My dp also said and did some things during arguments/discussion about his fil that knocked me sideways. I had never seen him behave like that before. At this point I do think he's so fundamentally hardwired by the situation he was brought up in that my challenge just unhinged him. Despite that I still can't forgive or forget. So if it is at all possible to follow Rumble's advice I can't think of a better way foward. Crap, isn't it !!

I disagree with DH and DS being with his mother for two days and with yours for only one. It should be split evenly. Not only is this fair to your mum but also (quietly) reinforces to MiL that you will not yield to her demand to be number 1. I don't see how DH can argue with it, either, unless he really feels that his mother deserves more time with her DGS that your mother does. That would be a whole 'nother kettle of fish!!

How are things today Happy ? Hope you have a more peaceful evening.

I think it is very cruel for you to spend two days without your family over Christmas. It would break my heart to be in that position. I feel like it's saying you've been unreasonable and therefore your punishment is to be deprived of your child at Christmas. Perhaps I'm twisting it but that's my gut reaction.
I'm not sure how far away your mil lives but I would suggest you all visit her for the afternoon only.Personally if I were in your shoes I'd have her in my house but have my parents there as back up. Frankly I'd like to know what your family think about this situation. I'm not one to suggest involving third parties in a relationship but maybe if someone from your family backs you up your dh may see sense when he realises it's not just you.

So sorry that things haven't improved, happy, & that DH is either in denial or genuinely can't see the reality of this situation.

I agree with every word that Cindy says in the post above. You have been more than reasonable in this scenario. You've tried to see it all from DH's POV, you went to the nightmare meeting with his mum, you've put up with all kinds of crazy demands & still haven't tried to exclude her.

But your DH is being absolutely horrible. However much brainwashing his mum has done, there's no excuse for him trying to use his loving, supportive wife as a scapegoat. It's so cruel of him to keep saying that he's "doubting your compatibility" & questioning the whole relationship just because you haven't totally rolled over & accepted the unacceptable. I also felt very disturbed by that account of you having to clean the glass up after his tantrum.

I know it's probably not constructive to have internet strangers slagging off your husband - but please don't doubt yourself here. He is seriously out of line, & massively deluded if he thinks the woman could ever exist who would be sufficiently "compatible" with him not to have a problem with his mother.