MIL problems..

[Happymum1985]

Thought id post here as really feel at a loss about what to do.. Sorry for the essay, its been going round and round in my head.

My DH is an only child and has always had a close relationship with his mum. She has had a troubled life and because of this, has quite a few issues. Up until DS was born last year, I found her hard work and quite demanding, but we managed to get along fine and I always made effort to see her and have contact with her because having a relationship with her was important to me.

Looking back there were signs she possibly didnt like me, because her reaction when DH told her about our engagement and pregnancy were very odd (she said she was busy and would call back later and hung up the phone). There was the odd thing like her wanting to go on holiday (on her own) with DH for two weeks (two years in a row) and expecting him to go down and stay with her a week before DS was born to 'dig holes in her garden' ?! But again, I tried to be tolerant of all this. She is on her own and doesnt have friends so I understood she was lonely.

Once DS had been born it started to go downhill fast. She came to stay with us the day I got out of hospital even though I had specifically said no visitors. When I got back and she showed up, I didnt have the energy/ didnt want to cause a scene so bit my tongue. She then proceeded to stay for 4 nights and didnt lift a finger to help, wanted to hold DS all the time when I was still in the stage when I felt like I wanted to bond with him and hold him all the time. There was a time il never forget when my DH had popped out and she said she was hungry and me- the mug- was trying to bend down to get plates etc and prepare lunch for her 5 days after a c-section whilst she held DS. Every time she came to stay subsequently she was the same- expecting hotel service and not understanding things had changed.

The last time I saw her was 4 months ago when she came to stay and everything exploded. In a nutshell, she had worked herself up into a rage- we didnt realise- because she wanted time alone with my DH and apparently she had told me this in the morning and we had agreed she could have this time alone with him (i do also find this slightly rude!) -I had totally forgot about this so rather than saying anything she had got really angry. Anyway, i was cooking and passed DS to DH. As I did so, she snatched DS out of my arms and stormed past me saying DS needed to sleep and DH was exhausted. I was fuming, DS started crying and DH sat there like a shell shock victim not knowing what to do. I stormed up after her and retrieved DS (I dont know what came over me but i was shaking in rage). She then stayed upstairs for about half an hour and DH took her out for a walk. On this walk she slagged me off and basically told him she wouldnt be coming to stay again as she found me stressful to be around, that I was a bad mother, a nasty person etc and tried to stir problems between my DH and I by saying I didnt seem to want to spend time with him..

Since she left we have had zero contact. My DH told her that she owed me an apology. She refused to apologise which infuriated me more, and made no contact. It is my DS birthday in a couple of weeks and she said she wanted to come up to see him on his birthday. We have told her we are having a family day but that she can visit around the time of his birthday. She then asked if she could stay at our house (she has no shame!!). My DH said he would speak to me.

When he got back to her and said no, and pointed out to her that she had previously said she couldnt bear to stay with us and would stay in a hotel for her next visit, she announced that she had already booked her train ticket. She then said she didnt have enough money to stay in hotel (rubbish) and said she would meet me for a coffee before staying at our house to 'sort things out' My DH pointed out that she was being a little naive by thinking all could be forgotten after a quick coffee...she also upset my DH by saying its hurting her that he is 'choosing me over her'. He told me last night that it feels unnatural to tell his mum she cant stay.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I doing the right thing? I have stuck to my guns and said she is welcome to come and see DS around his birthday and that I will meet up with her to talk but that she is not welcome to stay. I don't trust her and feel like she is someone that enjoys drama and creating problems and her demands on my DH's time are not conducive to a normal functional relationship. I don't hate anyone, but I think I might hate her.. I just have so much anger and resentment there that I don't know if I can get rid of... I know things cant go on like this but I cant bear her and dont know how to move forward...

Maybe she is just comfortable with silences. In my experience people with personality disorders are so busy being the centre of attention they don't leave silences unless they are sulking. I like some gaps in a conversation and prefer it to constant chatter. You don't have to fill all silences with noise. I don't think you can blame your discomfort with gaps in conversation on her

Most people are uncomfortable with silences in conversation, rebecca. Tis why barristers - and therapists - purposefully leave them: to get you to spill the beans.

2rebecca I think if you did a survey, the majority of people would agree that silences make them uncomfortable?!

Any improvement happy.

2rebecca she used to sit directly opposite me on the poof. It was hard not to sit and stare back blankly.

did I just admit to having a poof

poof???!! Haha. Well I was working today and DH gone out with friends. Its weird, we arent arguing and are having brief conversations, but he is still in the spare room and I feel like I want to be alone so I don't even care.. We normally always give one another a kiss goodbye in the mornings and I noticed we just said bye this morning..

Why do I have a feeling that he shows the very same attitude toward you right now that he'd had in the past from his mommy dearest...

Anyway, I'm thinking about you Happy and wish you all the best.

Oh Happy, we could be living parallel lives ! We were always kiss hello/kiss goodbye/kiss goodnight people. This is now sporadic and slightly awkward. We also don't row (apart from our occasional talks about the situation which are horrible and just usually make us feel worse). In between we do chat and have conversations but it's just not the same.

My dp told me recently I was like an ice cube, and that talking to me was like being in court. He asked if we could call a truce. I said I wasn't fighting him, but that I was detached and distant as this was how I was dealing with things, and coping with the fall out from the situation.

I told him several weeks ago that I didn't expect his support in the future, and that actually it would be better if I didn't expect it, as then he couldn't let me down. It felt very cruel to say but I feel better by being completely honest. I have developed an inner streak of steel - who knew ? - which helps greatly, but I hate why it's there.

Glad you're still cooling off and hanging on in there.

On a lighter note can I just add we too had a poof when we were growing up, black faux leather with buttons - we used to fight over who sat on it ! Happy days......

happy fix things with him. If you don't want to split up you need to find another way to deal with her. The more I pushed with dp the more protective he got over her.

When I was giving birth to dd she insisted on being present. It caused an almighty row dp couldn't see the harm. In the end I said I would even tell him I was in labour. It was the tiny bit of leverage I had.

Happy I hope things thaw with your DH after the weekend.

I spoke to my DH this evening but I'm not sure it really offers any more insight than comments already made here.

He said that appeasing and ignoring transgressions from his DM was second nature after a lifetime, so he didn't even realise that we was doing it. When he became more aware of it he still found it easier to appease the more difficult person - his DM. He also said that it was easier to solve the short term issue rather than focus on the longer term goals (much like dealing with a toddler).

He felt that my vitriolic complaints about his mother were an attack on him as well and that he was in a corner, only able to defend and do nothing right.

It took him a while to view our family as a unit, with boundaries that must be respected, rather than the dynamic of the situation as 3 relationships between 3 people that could be managed independently.

The main point from our discussion is what I've advocated in the posts above. Calm, non-emotive, outcome focussed (the best outcome for your family unit as a whole DW-DH-DS) discussion is the best way to move forward.

I'm sorry, that doesn't really help you along if your DH won't meet you in the middle ground - he does need to compromise too.

Morning happy battery ran out lady night. What I was meant to post was that I've been in this stand off its horrible.

At the moment your mil is succeeding in creating a divide between you.

I spoke to my dp and asked him to 'car park' his mother for a while and try to fix us. It felt like I was backing down initially but it gave us a little bit of breathing space to reconnect.

Unless you are willing to pack up and walk away you need to at least 'look' as if you are willing to fix the divide. If she apologises, smile and accept and know that it's all fake. I would stand firm about the staying over but I would I would make small movements to make it look I was trying.

It's really really hard. I wouldn't be friends with my mil if I didn't know dp as she is nasty to every one. In fact I met her once before dp while she was with mutual friends and I thought she was hateful then - so it's really hard to force a relationship but I do it for dp as I'm
Not ready to break up our unit because of her.

Try and sort things with him today so you have a good xmas. Good luck x

Have been thinking about my last post to you overnight. Have just read Pepperpigs and think she makes some very good points.

My situation was different in that I had always previously got on with my in-laws. However, lots of gritted teeth, not rising to various comments and keeping my life and thoughts private where necessary. Our families were friends, and it was a recent situation involving my in laws and my immediate family that has caused the conflict. My decision to go nc with my fil meant that my partner did a "tit for tat" nc with mine, although he admitted that he didn't really have a problem with my dad.

My problem with dp over the weeks that followed the event was the fact, in my view, that his priority was to protect his dad. He couldn't bear that I might not now like him, and that I had told him (fil) some home truths that his fil couldn't take. Lots of phrases that my dp said to me are now stuck in my head. Every time he buys me flowers now or makes a kind gesture I want to shout out that it's too late. I needed a hug, a kind word etc when I was distraught or having a panic attack back then.

You haven't yet gone nc, although I know you are considering this. I'm not even suggesting that you don't, just be very careful about what you both say in the lead up to whatever happens next. I accused my dp of trying to act like Switzerland (!) i.e be neutral. I said this wasn't possible, he had to acknowledge wrong doing where it occurred, even if it was his family.

I think what I'm trying to say is that you still have the opportunity to take NancyDroop's advice as posted previously. It's going to be bloody hard and you'll have to be the much bigger person to do it. If you want your marriage to remain healthy and happy though I can't see an alternative. He WILL defend his mother, so try and keep the conversations about how you now feel and what you intend to do to maintain your peace of mind and your marriage.

This is awful for everybody going through this. Please put yourselves first as it seems that nobody else will. It damages marriages and your husbands won't realise that until it's too late.

Please put yourselves first as it seems that nobody else will.

Yes, catching up with this thread I really agree with this. I know it's become a MN cliche to say an OP doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a DH problem - but I fear that it's at least partly true in this case too. Of course your MIL sounds absolutely awful, Happy - deeply damaged & damaging - but I do think your DH's behaviour has been dreadful too.

You were pressurised to meet up with his mum, it was as bad as many people on this thread predicted, but you've had no support from him since then. He's distanced himself, he's spent plenty of time - presumably amicably - with his mum, but he doesn't seem to be making any effort at all with regards to his marriage.

So since his mum left he's been out to the pub, he's been out with his friends, while you're left at home with the baby & trying to come up with strategies for coping with what's happened. It doesn't seem like much of a partnership here.

I'm sure the advice you're getting from people who've been through this is excellent, & may well be the only way to save your relationship. But it still seems wrong that you're the only one putting in the effort. I know, I know, it's more important to be happy than to be right, & you don't want your MIL to succeed in wrecking things between you & DH. So why doesn't he seem to care about that? I get how he might be frozen with fear & guilt when he's actually with his mum & she's behaving badly. But she's not there now & he's still not exactly prioritising his marriage.

Hope you're feeling okay & have some RL support, Happy.

I feel physically ill reading threads like this.

I've done everything in my power to make my son, now 25 -year-old, independent, respectful to everyone, especially to women. He was in his early teenage years when I've pointed out to him that girls he falls in love with has mom and dad who love them and care for them just like I love and care for him. That he has to respect them, love them and protect them.

In very soon future he'll marry his long time girlfriend- she's the love of his life, one to cherish and protect, one to spoil and make laugh, one to cry with .

Me? I have a daughter that I never had.

If only all men were as lucky as your son is Mila

I'm with you Mila. DS1 married 6 months ago and I finally have a daughter! It makes me feel so proud to see him respect and consider her in all his decisions, as she does for him. I've taken a 'back seat' to her gladly because she will care for and love him long after I've departed this earth and that's the way it's supposed to be. Really, there's almost a freedom in it, isn't there? As if I've relinquished some of my worrying about him knowing she will be there to do it for me!

Thank you, rumble. Nothing makes me more happy than to see them together, breathing like one or to see her parents loving him to bits. Kindness and love goes a long way.

I wish I could help Happy, to say something to comfort her...but words fails me.

I suspect if someone sat directly opposite me and was too in my face for my liking I'd get up and go to the loo and sit elsewhere.
Different if they're lip reading.
I'm rarely alone with my inlaws as we both work so they don't come round unless we are both here and I don't go and visit them without my husband as they live in a different city. They're near his work though so he'll sometimes pop in without me.
I hope you and your husband have had a chat over the weekend about the future of your relationship. He has to start engaging with you and to stop the ostrich act or the marriage is over.

AcrossthePond55 beautifully said and every word reflects my thoughts and feelings.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. What a horrible situation to be in but you have had some fantastic advice on here and I wish you all the best and will keep reading and hoping you get a good resolution X

I hope you have managed some quality time with your family this weekend Op and you can begin to heal the hurt together.

Hope you've found some peace!

Just posting to say hope peace has descended and/or that you have had the chance to talk things through.

Hi all, sorry for the silence.. to be honest my heads such a mess that I havent posted sooner because I don't know what to say, but I feel like everything is very jumbled. Since MIL left, me and DH have been existing in a civil, small-talk way with him still in spare room.

Yesterday I had some great news work wise, so we decided we would have a nice evening together and crack open the champagne. When he got in I was cooking and we started talking. I snapped at him about something and he asked why I seemed angry. I then ended up speaking to him about how I didnt think it was a longterm solution not to discuss anything, and that it hurt my feelings he was sleeping in the spare room. He then came back with the fact that he felt let down and angry with me because I allowed MIL to cause a problem between us and that it was like I was blaming him and distancing myself from him.

The conversation seemed to just escalate, and before long it led to him saying he didnt know how compatible we were, and my reaction was making him question everything. He said he was struggling to remember the last kind thing I did for him. He said my reaction to situation with his mum was 'weird' so I then said who was he to call me weird, and that he had grown up with her so how did he know what normal was. He asked me to say what I had just said again so I did, and then without warning he threw his champagne glass at the wall and it smashed everywhere and then he walked out.

He has never done anything like that in the whole time I have known him. I wasnt scared by it, but I was annoyed because it felt like such a dramatic reaction, and also because DS is crawling around everywhere and I was paranoid about the glass. After I cleaned it up I went up to bed and then when he came back he came up to my room and said that I was making him crazy.

The conversation ended with us deciding that for the next month we are going to try really hard to make it a good month, and get on, and then see how we are both feeling after that.

I feel really flat.