Change yr name, make a confession!

[iamsomeoneelse]

A thread to get something deep and dark off your chest -- anonymously!

If you don't know how to change your name, go to the 'My Mumsnet' tab and go into the 'My Account' section, there you can enter any name you like. Then, just enter your usual password and click 'Save Changes' et voila! Instant new identity!

I'll get the ball rolling:

I really feel that there are some deep cracks forming in my marriage, and I have a horrible feeling that divorce may be on the horizon after 10+ years of marriage. Part of me is terrified by the effect this might have on my two DDs, but another part of me is quietly excited at the prospect of a new and different kind of relationship.

[HumblePieMonster]

SadFamilyStory
This might sound strange.
All time exists at once - its concurrent.
Therefore the child that you were, still is.
Spiritually, I stand by that child for a few moments and suggest to her she might allow herself, when its safe, to wail and sob and howl until some of the pain is expressed. And to do it again and again.

From your post, it sounds like your 'safe' time is on its way at last.

[antimatter]

I don't think anyone really knows me

I think everyone can say that - nobody sits in our heads to follow our thought process

think of yourself (and others) as unique and special
yet we share flaws and shortcomings
such is human nature

[springydaffs]

Letitgooo - PLEASE contact womens aid 0808 2000 247. They will support you in all ways, they know how hard it is to challenge an abuser. Your children need you, your ex is a snivvling abuser. Underneath all that cruelty is a pathetic loser, a slime.

Look at doing the Freedom Programme . It will open your eyes and you will meet lots of lovely women in the same position.

thinking of you xxxx

[Dowser]

Knackered...nobody has to care for anybody if they can't or don't want to.

You make a phone call to SS, your doctor and say you are walking away. You've done your bit. Your sister needs professional nursing and you are not a professional.

The state has to step in.

It's the same with an elderly relative.

Just tell them, she's your responsibility now.

That's why we pay taxes, national insurance and so forth.

[Nameinchange]

I am such a mess. Everyone thinks I'm so together and doing so well. I'm not.

I can't seem to get over anything that's happened in the past. I keep seeing stuff about teenage girls being groomed by groups of men. I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me. I spent all my teens in an abusive relationship. I had a child and had a secret termination. I don't talk about it much but if I do I pretend it's ok, all in the past. I was raped by my child's father, I still have to see him and it makes my skin crawl. My family are nice but all much more successful than me and I know they look down on me. In return I resent them for not seeing what I was going through. For not doing anything to help me when I was basically a child who had a child of their own and was being physically and mentally tortured. I couldn't ask them for help because I already felt judged by them so tried to pretend things were fine. They must have known though?

I feel pathetic and useless. I fantasise about suicide all the time (not going to do it though I'm too scared, too pathetic to even kill myself). I'm on medication for depression but it really doesn't stop the thoughts. Tried counselling but I got embarrassed about the mess my life is and felt like I was making a fuss about nothing when others have it so much worse.

If you met me you wouldn't believe this stuff. Professionally I'm well respected and liked, seen as laid back and cheerful. I don't have any friends though. Too much putting up a front maybe? Or maybe I don't try hard enough, making it through the day is so exhausting I just don't have the energy to put into social relationships.

Not the most cheerful confession I know but it's quite nice to just pour it out of my head.

[HungarianVodka]

everyone so far.

Mine.....
My life is fucking falling apart. We owe so much money, DP doesn't know the half of it because he chooses to stick his head in the sand and leave it up to me. I field phone calls and letters every fucking day, there's always someone out there who is owed more money.

My stress levels are through the roof and I think I might be depressed, but daren't go to the doctor, I don't want to leave the house or interact with people anymore and I used to be life and soul of every party.

Due to the current spate of abuse stories in the headlines I have finally woken up to the fact that I was abused when I was little by my mum's friend's son. I can't say anything though, they are really good friends.
I have to see the fucker in town a lot, and hear the rumours that he likes teenage girls (he's nearly 40 now) and I still can't fucking say anything and it's killing me.

I have also realised that the men I thought I was so grown up for going with when I was 13 were grooming and abusing me, I look back and want to scream at myself for being so stupid. How did I think I was fucking cool??!

To cap it all off I am drinking too much and getting fat, and I don't know how to get through a fucking day anymore without a glass of something, otherwise I'd lie awake all night in my shitty shitty head.

That feels sooooooooo good to get out. Thank you.

[antimatter]

HungarianVodka - you have a lot on your plate right now....
have you spoken to any of charities which help with managing debt?

I can imagine you feel things aren't under your control and that must be very tough . Please go and get your help with your finances....

I can't help much with distress you are experiencing about your abuser - but big {{{{{{hug}}}}}} to you.

[BalonzHaveMoreFun]

Checking namechange!

[BalonzHaveMoreFun]

OK, here goes - I discovered on Monday night that my DH of 15 years occasionally and secretly dresses in women's underwear, heels and makeup so he can, in his words, 'masturbate as a woman'. He says he only gets the urge once or twice a year and has done it since he was 9, and that he never told me because the only person he'd ever told freaked out massively and dumped him. I found out by accident - I was looking for our external hard drive to back up some photos and found a box down the back of his desk with some horrible charity-shop red heels in his size, some tatty old red pants and a bra plus some vibrators and make-up. He assures me that it's not some big transgender thing and that it's nothing to do with his sex life with me, and that nobody else has ever been involved - it's just an occasional urge he's always had. I have no idea how I feel about it. In one way i'm relieved - he wasn't here when I found them and all sorts went through my head for the several hours until I could confront him about it, about whether they belonged to another woman etc. For some reason it's the make-up that's freaking me out the most at the moment - I keep picturing him in it. He normally has a beard but he periodically shaves it off and then regrows it, and every time he does that from now on I'm going to be wondering. He's put it all in the loft now and seems to just be carying on with life as normal but I don't know how it's going to affect things.

[heartofgolders]

test

[mousemates]

I massively stalk my ex on social media. I love my DH more than anything in the world and have absolutely no romantic interest in my ex. AT ALL but I find it weirdly fascinating to follow his shit life on Facebook and Twitter.

I compare his life to mine and DH's and feel very smug that ours is much better I am shallow and petty and pathetic.

[mousemates]

^ I also forgot to NC. Ah well

[ShortandSweeter]

I sometimes (once weekly?) pop into the toilets at work to play with myself.

[sensitivesituation2]

A year ago I had an affair with my neighbour. It did not go as far as having sex, but we did go beyond kissing.

My head was a mess as I felt that I was really falling for him, so I went nc. It was bloody hard as I would see him nearly every day coming in/going out, bump into him at shops etc.

Two weekends ago we went to a party, and lo and behold he was there... he has been messaging me constantly since then, I just want to tell him to leave me alone, but I just can't do it.... I love getting the messages, and him telling me that he would drop everything in his day to be able to chat to me, that I am so funny, sexy and I looked gorgeous that night...

I am married but my dh works away. He isn't here and I think I am infatuated with this man and the attention he is showing me...

[Havetosay]

Every one of us in turmoil ... to all of you, some of you have made me cry you sound so sad.

I can't say anything helpful to those of you in such bad situations, but I believe the saying is every man/woman leads a life of quiet desperation.

Resolve and peace and love x

[Zalen]

My confession, I read about you ladies who haven't had sex in x years and I get so jealous. I've been married for 24 years, I stopped loving my husband around 3 years ago, that's a confession in itself, he got sick, stress and depression, he turned into a complete lunatic for a while. He's better now but all the things I used to excuse because I loved him now annoy the hell out of me.

I told him 3 years ago that we should talk about divorce, he replied that I had no grounds so I made a decision to use him for whatever I could get, free childcare, contribution to household expenses. He is no longer contributing his full share to the household but I live in hope that he'll get a better job and be able to contribute properly again before our joint savings completely run out.

I still contribute my share to the household but refuse to lend him anything. When this all started he decided we should separate our finances, if he hadn't we'd be divorced by now! I assume he expected to be better off without me spending his money, unfortunately for him it turns out I'm way better off without him spending my money!

I haven't wanted sex with him in 3 years, I tried saying no until his sulking got too much but I pushed it too far one time and he went ahead anyway. Now he no longer asks, just wakes me up in the night when he feels the need and does what he wants, I wait for him to finish, put my pyjamas back on and go back to sleep.

I sometimes go away to visit DS1 at University for the weekend, one time when I came back after a lovely weekend he was in the kitchen as I walked through. He immediately required a kiss, grabbed my chest, mauled me for a bit, then went out and I went upstairs to cry for 15 minutes before sorting myself out and going in to see DS2.

[springydaffs]

So he's raping you? Get rid of the FUCKER. If you're way better off with separate finances then get separate lives.

(I realise this isn't the spirit of the thread to comment on people's confessions but this just got to me. Why on earth would you put up with being systematically raped?)

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Oh god zalen you are being raped regularly in your own home! Please get away! What is keeping you there? Of course you have grounds - he doesn't have to agree.

[Shallowandashamed]

My DH has had erectile dysfunction the entire time we have been together (11 years). I love him dearly- he is a good, kind man, we laugh together, he is good-looking. Everything you could want in a man.

Except- he has problems getting hard. It's being helped, to some degree, with Viagra, but it's never going to be like other men.

And I miss it. I am terribly ashamed of myself for feeling like this. Ungrateful- especially considering the real problems so many of you have.

I had a one night stand with a friend, on whom I have had a crush for longer than I have known my husband. It has never been repeated, nor will it be. But it was so good. He is the only man I have ever felt an immediate physical reaction to.

Aargh.

[selfloathingchick]

Where to start?

Until 2012, I had a happy 10 year marriage, two great kids (still do ), good career, stable life. We had our ups and downs, but nothing insurmountable.

Then my mental health began to deteriorate. I became depressed, anxious, then manic, then very depressed again. Diagnosed as bipolar late 2012.

It has been the worst two years of my life , and there were no external triggers, nothing bad happened ...I just fell apart, seemingly. I hate myself.

I had a year long affair with an ex 2012-3. He was violent and sexually abusive towards me. I fell pregnant and had a secret abortion. Started acting crazy, felt suicidal. I walked out of my job through extreme stress (great career, good hours and money, professional status etc) and basically trashed my career. I started drinking heavily. I had a stay in a psych unit over the summer. Now 'stable' but deeply depressed and spend most days in bed, with only the odd day I am able to get out and do something constructive or social.

I cannot believe what has happened to my life and what I have done to my family . DH is standing by me but I dont seem to be able to give him much back. I am a shell of who I was and so desperately sad that this is what life has become.

[selfloathingchick]

I also cannot get over the abortion. It was 15 months ago. I had counselling. I'm starting psychotherapy next week. But the pain is indescribable. And nobody to talk to about it. Nobody wants to hear about your self pity over an abortion that came about as the result of shitty, adulterous behaviour.

I cry every night and most mornings when I wake over it.

[KidsAreDrivingMeNuts]

I don't love my husband, in all honesty I don't think I ever have

To all our friends and family we have a perfect life, nice home/cars, 2 great kids etc but the saying is true you don't know what goes on behind closed doors!

It's sad but I have made my bed and I will lie in it, I would never leave him and vice versa.

[whoopsheregoes]

When my ex H comes round to visit the kids once a week, we sometimes slip upstairs for a quickie (for old times sake).
His new wife is none the wiser.
Sometimes I feel guilty, but then I think what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

[Zalen]

I don't say no, so I don't see it as rape, in fact I don't say no so that I can't see it as rape. After the last time I said no and he went ahead anyway I decided this was better for me. And I admit I help sometimes, he won't finish unless I do, so when he takes my hand and puts it there I do what's needful to bring things to a head. Sorry for vague wording, I'm sure you get the message and I'm at work so don't want to be explicit. I don't mumsnet from home, he regularly uses my laptop.

[stuckinanightmare]

My H had an EA 3 months ago. I want to leave him but he has said he will kill himself if I do. I know he will follow through with this, it is not an idle threat. I am stuck feeling second best for the rest of my life.