Change yr name, make a confession!

[iamsomeoneelse]

A thread to get something deep and dark off your chest -- anonymously!

If you don't know how to change your name, go to the 'My Mumsnet' tab and go into the 'My Account' section, there you can enter any name you like. Then, just enter your usual password and click 'Save Changes' et voila! Instant new identity!

I'll get the ball rolling:

I really feel that there are some deep cracks forming in my marriage, and I have a horrible feeling that divorce may be on the horizon after 10+ years of marriage. Part of me is terrified by the effect this might have on my two DDs, but another part of me is quietly excited at the prospect of a new and different kind of relationship.

[TooManyTakenUsernames]

Test

[TooManyTakenUsernames]

I am having an EA with a guy I knew about 12 years ago. I have always been incredibly attracted to him and wish something could happen.

Sex has been my way of gaining affection, intimacy. I have had sex with too many men to recall and I wish I still could.

My husband is a good man but I don't love him.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I have been having an affair for a year and I am torn. I love DP in the sort of way you might love your brother or closest family, I am in love with OM. DP is kind, caring, lovely and supportive as long as I smile and play, flirt, giggle and have sex with him. It kills me inside. If I say I want to end the relationship he becomes a very different person and I am too scared to be under the same roof.

OM says he loves me. He is ill, and he deserves more than I can offer him, which is precisely nothing. I am ruining lives. I have pushed him to try and find someone else because I want him to be happy but it kills me inside to think he might actually meet someone. I love him more than anything but I don't think he knows this. Why would he believe that I do when I am too scared or unwilling to leave DP. I am just waiting for him to meet someone so that I can cry, I guess being so hurt will make me feel less guilty about what I am doing.

[DistanceCall]

Lucrezia, why don't you leave your husband, if I may ask?

[mostoxfordcoloured]

.

[mostoxfordcoloured]

I can't get a job in the sphere I love because I'm too cowardly to send out a CV. I am too fat and my hair is shit and I have a couple of bad marks on my academic record. And so I stagnate in a job I am overqualified for and resent.

My husband doesn't love me: I'm a warm body and the main breadwinner. And not even that great in either of those respects. Have cheated him by eating so much and languishing in this crap job when I planned to do somuch more.

I feel trapped and am awake every night from 1am-4am turning over all my problems and fuck-ups and missed opportunities and don't know how to change anything.

I think about suicide more these days and - it's such a cliche, but it's a real feeling- it often seems to me my daughter would be happier without me around. I have become moody, distant and strange. Maybe I could be a ghost and get to see her grow up. Love her so much; so worried that in my worst depressive moods something stupid will happen.

[TooManyTakenUsernames]

The guy I've had an EA has said that it'd never go further, I am devistated. I know it is the right thing but I am broken.

[Pandora37]

Mostox you sound really unhappy. :( Have you seen your GP about how you're feeling?

Can't be bothered to change my name as I've spoken about not wanting a relationship before. One of the main reasons is because I feel so awful after it ends for a long time that I don't want to keep putting myself through the emotional upheaval. I felt suicidal after the last one ended and I'm scared of feeling that way again. People keep asking me if I have a new boyfriend but I don't want a new one, I want my old one back which is never going to happen. I know it's healthy to move on but I wanted a life with him, not with anyone else. I'm going to have to move because where I live isn't very big and I feel I need to for my own mental health so I know that I won't see him. I'm scared I won't be able to get a job elsewhere though and I'll be stuck here for an indefinite time period. I can't stand the thought of it.

[Incognito71]

This is heart-rending stuff, and I can't even begin to comment on some of the terrible abuse that goes on ... But there seems to be a lot of unsatisfied married women out there to whom I say "what are you waiting for! Get out there!" You only live once. If splitting up is just too much, or you are basically peaceful co-parents and chums, or if he's just goddamn libido-less but everything else is great... Please do this! Acknowledge that emotional ties, and long-standing domestic arrangements are not conducive to exciting sexual times, read this book by Daniel bergner 'what women want' and embrace your chaotic novelty-seeking female sexuality, get on a married dating site, have some fun, cover your tracks well, set up a new email account, don't sync it to your phone, don't feel guilty. Sorry but I agree with heartofgold above, your husband is probably already doing it...( possibly has done, with me, and did I want to upend your life and take him away from you? No. You're welcome to him, but I had a few months of fun sexy emails and a couple of hotel room encounters. No harm done. )

[SecretKeeper15]

I realise the other day that I'm not happy. I'm not unhappy, I'm just not happy, just existing. I moved countries to be with my DH but I have no friends here and it's been more than 5 years. I have people I know, people I talk to and chat with (on FB as well), but not that one friend you call and hang out with, giggle with, watch chick flicks with - that girl bond. My DH would be sad if he knew this. He wants me to be happy so I'll never tell him I'm not. It's not his fault, it just is what it is.

I also realised the other day that my ex-bf may have sexually assaulted me. Well, I know he did, I just don't usually think of it like that. He used to "play" with me while I was asleep. I would tell him not to, turn over or whatever but I still slept there next to him. There were times I would wake up and let him finish because I enjoyed it. I'm not sure if this means it really was sexual assault... I never told him to do it, and I did often tell him not to and he did stop when I told him to, but he'd wait till I was asleep again... I didn't do anything else (sleep in another room, tell anyone, move out). I would never tell anyone this, except perhaps a therapist or something, but it's mostly me trying to make sense of what happened... he was an arse and I'd checked out of the relationship, emotionally, for a long time. Maybe I just figured it was easier to deal with that than find a place on my own etc... I don't think I ever went to sleep wishing for it though.

I feel like a failure education wise. I'm smart, IQ in the 140s, but I feel like I should have achieved more.

I sometimes wish I could just pick up and leave, without hurting anyone or myself, and travel to other countries and live there. I imagine what my life would be like if I had made different decisions. Or if I knew different people. This may be why I feel less satisfied with my life in general, because I'm always imagining the greener grass...

[cryinginmysleep]

I cry in my sleep, the reason is because my affair of 7 years is ending and I am utterly devastated. We are both married but we have decided that as our feelings have grown stronger and stronger, it is just not worth the risk to our respective families to carry on the affair. If it was discovered it would ruin so many lives. Neither of us is prepared to leave our familis for each other because of this. We still love each other and OM wants me to remain in contact goimg forward. I have said I can't do this. We are meant to be meeting next week to talk about things and say goodbye. I don't think I can do that either but how can I say goodbye to the man I love on the phone and how do I forget him for the rest of my life. I'm so sorry and I'm so sad. If anyone knows the answer please tell me.

[confusedinlove]

My wife has pnd every day she either ignores me or has a go at me over tiny unimportant things, she spends her life on Facebook, I'm not sure if she is talking to other men. She has told me she wants other men to find her attractive and she accuses me of cheating. We recently got married but she has only just told me after we got married that she is no longer in love with me and that she had thought of ending our relationship a few months into it. I do nothing but love this woman but I am made out to be the problem. I got to work and hide in the toilets to cry so no one can see me. I am exhausted constantly as my life consists of going to work and doing as much as I can to care for my wife and daughter. The longer this is going on the more I can feel myself beginning to hate her, Im so confused as to what to believe anymore is it her or her depression talking. We have sex still but it is if she doesn't want to be there. I dread spending time with her as I don't want to argue with her, some days she gets angry and will trash the bedroom which I then come home from work tidy up, put our daughter to bed and do all the housework but I'm not allowed to go to bed early as it will cause arguments. I tell myself that she will get better and go back to being the woman I love most but she refuses treatment for her pnd. I can't talk to her about it because she shuts down. She tells me she wishes her life would end and that she wishes she could go back to how she was and be happy, I encourage anything I can to make her happy but she won't let me help her.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

cryinginmysleep... You're sad because what has made you happy is ending. You've had a long-term relationship with this man and he's become a big part of your life. I think that the decision to not leave the family is usually lead by one of the two, not both as a mutual decision. The leader gets to 'call it' and the other saves face and counts the positives of status quo.

Do you really think that you would have a future together? If not then it's your decision whether you will maintain contact with him. If you think it will be too painful then say goodbye in person rather than on the phone. When it's done, I guess the only thing you can do is to plan how you will go about your life without him. If you can do that in advance of the break-up, so much the better.

[cryinginmysleep]

You are very right LyingWitch, although we have both agreed on the breakup it was he who led the decision. I have no option but to go with what he wants, I have no say in the matter. If he has decided that he can't carry the affair on then I have to respect that - and what would be the point in pursuing it whilst knowing that he doesn't want me anymore. We would never have a future together, there is too much to loose on both sides and too much hurt to inflict on others.

And you are right, he has always been the leader in the affair. It is now my decision as to whether or not I will maintain contact with him. Despite the fact that I love him so much, I know in my heart that I can't do that. I would always be hoping that he'd want me as he did before and I'd be forever disappointed and sad. I can't live like that, it's too much. I just don't know how I can forget about him while the world keeps turning as it were.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It's very sad for you, cryinginmysleep, you're in a no-win situation really, unless you count the fact that a) you've managed to successfully keep this from your respective spouses and b) you've had 7 (presumably) happy years together.

If you know that you can't have a future together then in some way, that should make it easier, as painful as it undoubtedly is. What do you have in your life that makes you happy? Is your family busy? Do you have friends and outside interests? Do you have anything that you've always wanted to do that you could throw yourself into as a distraction?

You won't forget about him, nor he you, I wouldn't have thought. I would suggest that you rip the plaster off, maintain your dignity and make the decision that you will no longer see him. The first few days/weeks will feel odd, you'll feel bereft - like any breakup - but it will get easier. If you continue to see him, you will do so in the definite knowledge that there is no future in it whereas beforehand, it was always an unspoken possibility.

For your own sanity, break it off. Indulge your family in their wildest dreams - and do so for yourself too. Years from now you will look back on this as a painful time but one that you learned from - and perhaps discovered yourself a bit?

Be the one to actually end it for good, I promise you that it will do you more good than you can realise right now.

[cryinginmysleep]

Your words are a comfort to me LyingWitch and I appreciate your understanding. I have kept this affair secret for so long now and it has been a relief to write it down.

I have two children who bring me much happiness but they are almost grown up now and I feel quite redundant in many ways. My husband is a high achiever who works long hours and we have grown apart over time. I gave up my career to be at home with the children and I have lost confidence in myself. OM made me feel wanted and loved again and it is that which I shall miss more than anything.

It is too easy for me to keep wishing that things can return to how they were with him and to keep extending this situation. I have decided that it is truly over. I feel so sad because I feel that I'm not worth it to him any longer despite him telling me that he still loves me. If I continued to let him be in my life, even as a friend (which he has said he wants) it would be a daily reminder to me that I'm not worth it - if that makes any sense.

So I will tell him that I can not continue to have him in my life on that basis and somehow I must move on from here. I have to hide all my feelings of upset and sadness and that is why my namechange is as it is. Cryinginmysleeo is what I do most nights. I still don't know whether I will have the courage and conviction to see him face to face or not.

But thank you LyingWitch, your understanding and clarity has helped me in a way that you probably don't even realise - at a time when I am feeling so very low and almost desperate to get through this. I am very grateful to you.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Get ready for your namechange to 'HopefulWhatTomorrowBrings', cryinginmysleep. This is no way to live, what you're living right now.

OM has served his purpose really, he's woken you up to the fact that you're desirable and 'worth it'. You know that in reality this relationship was time-based, it was always going to end. It just a question of whether you can be strong enough to completely end it or whether you will torment yourself for more years. I think you'd be doing yourself a great disservice to keep this going, for yourself, not just your family.

What would I do in your situation? I'd prepare to end this in the best way for ME, not him, ME.

1. low-level mood lifting - St John's Wort, assuming that you're not suffering from depression, this could just take the edge off for you.
2. Bach Rescue Remedy - spray for your handbag.
3. Some empowering songs that you don't have in your current playlist. You won't listen to them again after this but they can help you for now.
4. A journal - write your pain in it. If you type one, call it something innocuous like a recipe (and put one in), change the journal text to 'white'.
5. Confide in a friend and make plans to do something together.

I can tell that you feel low. It's a double-sadness given that you cannot tell people what is wrong. You will get through it. I'm very pleased for you that you will safeguard yourself by ending this, breaking contact. It's not easy, I know, the heartbreak plus also the knowledge that his life isn't changing. He probably is not going through the same feelings as you; I could pretty much guarantee that because if his heart was breaking, he would not be doing this.

What I'm saying is that as much as you feel he means to you, tie this relationship up and put it away in a box of memories for looking at years from now. For now, you have a long, hard road of a) discreetly getting over your sadness and b) reconnecting with your husband or coming to terms with a relationship that doesn't include OM.

You can do this, really you can.

[cryinginmysleep]

That is a name change I will aspire to LyingWitch. And I will end this completely, I know that I can not carry on, the emotional strain is too much.

I can't confide in a friend, I have got this far on my own and I can't see myself confiding in anyone. That is why your words, as a total stranger, have had such an impact. I have conversations (silent ones!) with myself but I go around in circles, always convincing myself that everything's ok, when it clearly isn't.

So my heartfelt thanks to you LyingWitch. I want to be HopefulWhatTomorrowBrings. My life at present is not happy and I am merely prolonging the pain of it all. My biggest fear is that he will always be in my thoughts. You speak with great understanding LyingWitch, thank you.

[Member501086]

I am nearly 50 been married 20 years, no PIV for a long time but a sex life although I masturbate a lot. Fantasise about fucking a male friend, just hard fucking he turns me on so much. I can fantasise for hours about him. We kissed about 3 years ago and it nearly lead to more but I stopped it, I wouldn't stop it now. Have also started smoking canabis, which I love, much better than alcohol, but I keep thinking of ways to get us alone and drunk/high then seduce him. Don't want to have a full blown affair (texts, phone calls) just want sex.

[Freyka]

😂😂😂

[Crikeyalmighty]

I find sex boring and unpleasant and a bit of a chore after the first year or two of knowing someone. I've had 2 marriages (still on number 2) and 1 four year live in and have felt the same everytime. It is unaffected by really liking someone!! I honestly never feel inclined. Give me a nice read in the sun, a good wine and a lovely meal or a good book--- prefer them all

[bufin]

Not sure why Freyka restarted this ZOMBIE thread laughing.

Not much to laugh about on here.

[thaikunyum]

test

[bungled]

He raped me. He raped me for years. He wouldn't see it as that. If I said no it was ignored. If it was a birthday it had to happen. We had sex when ds2 was a week old. I haven't told solicitor, police, WA support worker. I don't want my children to know. I have nightmares constantly even though he's been away for a long time. I'm still scared of him.

[thaikunyum]

ok so I am suffering from depression despite having two beautiful children who bring me so much joy and a husband who is such a nice sweet man.
I'm not sexually attracted to my husband anymore, he's too nice and simple, I constantly think about having an affair but o have absolutely no self esteem as despite being in the best shape of my life I have loads of stretchmarks which would put people off and and social anxiety I can barely say hi to a man let alone have an affair.
when I do have sex with my husband I imagine it's with someone else, if he talks during or I look at him then I get completely out of the mood and have to stop.
I have only ever been with him because of my beliefs however I wish I had had more experience with other men.
I feel like a complete failure as I have a first class degree and am intelligent and yet I'm a stay at home mum while my husband struggles to make enough money.
I have basically failed at life.