Change yr name, make a confession!

[iamsomeoneelse]

A thread to get something deep and dark off your chest -- anonymously!

If you don't know how to change your name, go to the 'My Mumsnet' tab and go into the 'My Account' section, there you can enter any name you like. Then, just enter your usual password and click 'Save Changes' et voila! Instant new identity!

I'll get the ball rolling:

I really feel that there are some deep cracks forming in my marriage, and I have a horrible feeling that divorce may be on the horizon after 10+ years of marriage. Part of me is terrified by the effect this might have on my two DDs, but another part of me is quietly excited at the prospect of a new and different kind of relationship.

[imalanpartridge]

I want to be a female to male crossdresser. I have even dressed as a man and taken photos to post online. "He" is quite good looking! I have quite a bohemian group of friends who would probably be quite accepting, if I was ever daring enough to go out in my more masculine form.

[imalanpartridge]

(it's not Alan Partridge, btw).

[VeggieColin]

I'm married with 2 young DC and I'm in love with a good friend. There was always chemistry between us, we were flatmates at uni but he was too immature too want something serious. I got together with someone else who did want something serious and we ended up married while my flatmate friend started a relationship with another lovely girl. But we were never just friends. We stayed in touch sporadically, met up for coffee once a year or so and never managed to forget about each other. We got closer 1.5 years ago when I was pregnant with DC2. He admitted he was as much in love with me as I was and we had an affair that lasted most of a year. He broke it off because he didn't see a way forward for us, didn't want to be the man responsible for my children's parents splitting and feels that leaving his long term girlfriend who has supported him financially through a difficult patch would have been inhuman. DH and I are friends at best, not been lovers since the start of our relationship, only had sex to conceive the children and my friend still hasn't gone back to sex with his partner either after 1.5 years. They don't have children yet. We are still in touch every day, 6 months after ending it and we are both suffering without each other. I've never felt like this about anyone else and it's been the same for him. Regretting we didn't make a go of it 10 years ago or even before my children were born.

Now it's all a mess and I feel like I can never be happy without him again. Of course I feel like a whore because wtf has an affair while pregnant. I did. We both wished it was his child and that's just so so awful. I can't believe I've fucked up my life like this.

[knackered69]

My mum and my sister lived together - 200 miles away. I left home at 18 to study and never went back except for visits. It was difficult when I lived at home because I never had emotional support and felt I had to achieve things to be loved - I grew up feeling worthless. And feeling very responsible for their feelings.

I've been away for 27 years now, and in that time my mum has been to see me once, and and my sister not at all. I've been through various things - homelessness, mental health problems (ECT for depression, anorexia, septicaemia, marriage childbirth divorce etc) But I've never asked them for help because it wouldn't be forthcoming. Also it is deemed my job to be responsible for them.

They have phoned me to get me to drive up and fix their curtain rail, toilet floor, garden wall etc - and I do. When I phoned my mum to tell her I had just come out of resus with an asthma attack she just talked over me and told me about my sisters cold. It's my job to take care of them see?

My sister has never left home and is not good at taking responsibility or caring for herself. In the last few years she has been diagnosed with a serious health condition that affects many areas of her body and is severely affecting her - she has a limited life expectancy now.

Last month my mum was admitted to hospital - turns out it was lung cancer with metastases. That night my sister was also admitted to hospital with a flare up of pancreatitis. My sister is a hoarder and the house was filthy - mum was ready to come home after a terminal diagnosis but the house was in such a state it wasn't possible and I had to put her in respite whilst I tried to get on top of it.

She died a week later without getting home.

In the meantime my sister had a drain put in for her pancreatitis and had a cardiac arrest and went to itu. I got on with mums funeral, the probate, paperwork, finances, and visiting my sister etc. Sister got better and stepped down to a ward - then went to rehab. Meanwhile I crack on with the house which is knee deep in faecally soiled incontinence pads. The phone calls start coming from the ward, and the social worker, and the ot - she's blocking a bed and needs to come home. I tell them she won't cope and hasn't for a long time - partly it's physical but mostly she just doesn't take any responsibility.

They send her home and I go up to see her - she is 5 stone, has a catheter, and is faecally incontinent and is not coping- I spend the weekend bathing her cooking for her, picking up her pads off the floor, and picking up the odd turd off the carpet, boiling her washing, sorting out her finances, trying to get the district nurse in cos her dressing has fallen off, and there are no spares and she has a pressure sore that reaches bone.

Come Monday I am on the phone yet again trying to get help from social services - cos they were so helpful last time -not. She isn't eating and has little containers off piss around where she is emptying her catheter and the house stinks of poo.

In the meantime I have condensed 5 days of work into 4 so that I can be there for 3. I'm a single parent of two kids and live 200 miles away. My kids are great but are struggling - I m struggling to concentrate at work, and I have a hole in my kitchen ceiling from a burst pipe, the dishwasher is knackered, the toilet is blocked and the house is a tip. I really need to make an appointment with the doctor to go back on anti-depressants but haven't the time or the energy.

I am on my knees - the only thing stopping me from walking into the sea is I live quite far inland. I want to walk away from my sister but can't and shouldn't. This is never ending and I am at breaking point.

[LoafersOrLouboutins]

Thank you Felicity, I think I will use the sperm donor story. I'm not going to tell anybody until I reach the 12 week mark. Oh Knackered, your confession has moved me to tears. Things will get better, I promise! Even when something feels like the end, it isn't. Please don't walk into the sea, your DC need you. Have

[tiredandtainted]

I don't think I love my husband anymore. I have tried soooooo hard to get the feelings back, and then when I feel like I'm getting somewhere I go back to the beginning.

Selfishly I only stay as I'm afraid that I may make a mistake and end up more dissatisfied.

Yesterday I looked at an online dating site....what have I become?!

[LittleMissRayofHope]

knackered
Am not confessing under this name but I was reading and my heart goes out to you. You sound stretched beyond belief. Don't feel bad for wanting to walk away. Your only human

[Gleamingpileofshite]

Big breath...
I had an emotional affair with a colleague about 18months ago. It ended badly (I couldn't bring myself to leave my husband as I wasn't ready to make such a huge change) and he wouldn't wait.

I threw myself back into my marriage , I guess because I so desperately wanted it to work, and fell pregnant almost immediately ( after being told I couldn't have kids). Had my baby a year ago and I'm besotted but I can't stop fantasising about what might have been.

Work is unbearable. He was so angry and spent a long time alternating being awful/hurtful/ignoring me. We no longer speak but the atmosphere when we're in the same room (small team) in unbearable and noticeable.

I've never told a living soul. I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm pretty sure he's told colleagues as I'm treated with a cool distance these days. He plays the wounded soul and while I put on a brave face, I'm miserable.

I miss his company and friendship so much. I know I can't have it both ways and I need to stop fixating on something so pointless but I hate how it ended. I just want us to be friends again.

On the other end, I'm consumed by guilt. I want to tell DH to relieve myself of some of the weight of the secret and give him the chance to make a choice but I can't do that. I do love him but our relationship isn't what I imagined our life to be like.

Pity party over. My own fault so I need to live with the guilt. Almost two years later and it's as acute as ever.

[LiviaEmpressoftheUniverse]

knackered69

[itsnotthatbad]

Typed an epic response. It got lost.

Long and short:

Lost my job, no fault of my own, although I admit naivety.

Homeless.

In "temporary accommodation" luckily provided by council.

New job, less than half of old salary. Accommodation was included in last position. Now not. Was assisted in paying for accommodation when on JSA (claimed for 1 month in over 20 years of working) Now paying for accommodation I would rather not choose under usual circumstances. And IMO more than it is worth.

Living in very "rough" area, skint as a skint thing.

Find it hard to keep my head when people show ignorance towards people in my predicament. Was affluent, self-sufficient and well-respected. Now, not so much.

Keep it bottled up so as to not out myself. Drive myself mad wanting to respond. Don't respond. Drive myself mad with not responding.

This time of year is the worst, I'm sure.

Trying very hard to keep as positive as my partner is. He is wonderful, but maybe just doesn't get it from my POV, so I find it very hard to tell him.

We both work, surely that means (in my simple brain) that we should be able to afford a food shop per week or a bottle of wine at the weekend? I am narked that this isn't the case for us.

Keep smiling, even though inside I want to cry so much I might actually pop.

[Pearlyclean]

I am in love with my child's dad. It was always very feisty, we are both very independent people. We split 'properly' when I was pregnant. But in spite of it all, he is always in my head, and my thoughts, and my heart. I have had plenty of offers since, but the buck seems to have stopped for me.

[sadfacesue]

NC'd for this
Like others my relationship totally celibate - got to the point where I can't be bothered to bring the issue up (yet again). Married for +7 yrs, together 15+ years, it kind of crept up on us
To the outside world we are really together as a couple - which we are , holding hands, being affectionate and really enjoying each others company.
I keep going on because I do love him so so much, I tell myself its enough.

Then again I have so little confidence in myself as a woman (put on +weight and don't really make the effort on clothes / hair/ make up front) that even if I did want to go out and sleep with someone who would want to sleep with me.

Agree that just writing this down is cathartic, also hearing others saying same thing makes me feel less of a freak - never ever spoken about it in rl and don't think I ever will.

[oranges]

I love my DH but god I'm sick of managing his moods and anxieties.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Knackered I think you need to walk away from your sister and ask for support and community services to step in if possible. It is like the 2 of you are in the sea. She is drowning. you are trying to save her but she is dragging you under. You have dc waiting on the shore. Either both of you go under or you leave her and get back to dry land and let someone else save her. Please please take care of yourself first - that is ok to do.

I am trying to work up the courage to change name and post on this thread!

[IWantToCheckOut]

I'm really really Really fed up with being expected to put my life on hold as I am a single parent......

I had already booked & paid for a weekend at a retreat next June, only to get the dates for my DDs residential school trip this week which means that I'm leaving the Friday she gets back. Am I going? Damn right I am.

Does this make me selfish? No it bloody doesn't.

I have been on my own for 5 1/2 yrs, work full time, pay shed loads in child care, no maintenance whatsoever (EH an alcoholic).......SP is exhausting, and I deserve a break.

God, that felt sooooo good to vent!

[IWantToCheckOut]

knackered69 you have gone above and beyond the call of duty.
The next time you take your sister to A/E, that should be it.
Please please please save yourself

[Letitgoooo]

For the last few days i have seriously considerd ending it all, for me its the only way out. Exp has been mentally toturing me we have split and he is on and on at me cruelly taunting me telling i cant have dc back when hes got them, wont tell me what time there coming back, telling me im worthless and asking me to throw myself in the canal to do him a favour. I stood in the shop yesterday and wonderd how many tablets i would need, as i walked across a bridge i stopped and thought about jumping.

I cant tell anyone about what ex is doing as they will tell me to ring the police and that will bring more trouble from him and i dont want to end it all as i have 3dc whom i love and want to see grow up. I darent ask for help as ex will be right i cant cope and im nuts.

[SadFamilyStory]

My confession.

Was forced by my mother to marry my step-father when I was 16. He started abusing me when I was 8. I had my first child at 14. Developed Stockholm Syndrome. I had 3 amazing children with that terrible man (they are now in their 20's).

Fast forward a few years and I an now married to an amazing man. My children never knew of the history until a couple of years ago. I never wanted them to know :( The decision to tell them was taken out of my hands.

One by one, they are working through the reality that their father is a pedophile. I would do anything for them not to feel this pain. Each time one of them works through it, I have to answer questions from them. I pretend that I feel nothing and that it doesn't hurt me to answer the questions but in all reality, I am exhausted and emotionally drained to have to re-live parts of it all over again. I am in the midst of one of those periods as the youngest is now starting the face the reality of what has happened.

I want to run away. I can't tell anyone (not even my husband) how I actually feel because I am seen as the strong one in the family. I don't want to be strong. I want to cry. Cry for my children. Cry for me. Cry for the life they should have had instead of having to deal with the ugly truth at this stage of their lives.

Thank you for reading.

[SadFamilyStory]

Letitgoooo

[SadFamilyStory]

knackered69

[mummytime]

Knackered - I think you need to walk away from your sister. But do so, telling everyone that you are doing so, let the Newspapers, your MP, anyone else you can think of, including all charities know you cannot do any more.

If they haven't picked things up, phone the police.

Your children need you, and are your responsibility.

[antimatter]

knackered69

Please call SS in your sisters town - driving up and down 200 miles is not doable
your kids need you!

[Vampirelover]

Test

[Vampirelover]

I'm still in love with my useless, cocklodging ex. I have loads of things going for me in theory but I secretly believe I'm flawed in some way that means nobody ever really could or would fall in love with me. I don't think anyone really knows me.

[HumblePieMonster]

vampirelover - get counselling because it helps.