Change yr name, make a confession!

[iamsomeoneelse]

A thread to get something deep and dark off your chest -- anonymously!

If you don't know how to change your name, go to the 'My Mumsnet' tab and go into the 'My Account' section, there you can enter any name you like. Then, just enter your usual password and click 'Save Changes' et voila! Instant new identity!

I'll get the ball rolling:

I really feel that there are some deep cracks forming in my marriage, and I have a horrible feeling that divorce may be on the horizon after 10+ years of marriage. Part of me is terrified by the effect this might have on my two DDs, but another part of me is quietly excited at the prospect of a new and different kind of relationship.

What us 'Barbaras' are going through is extremely painful and soul destroying. Some people might see our problem as 'trivial' but made to feel like a non-woman is something you don't understand unless you have been there. My husband, I discovered earlier in the year has replaced me with porn. He knows I am disgusted by the porn industry abuse of women and hate the misogyny so it was a double whammy for me. Other men would trip over themselves to be with me (my friend tells me) and my husband would rather jack off to some young woman who probably would rather be doing anything else than what she is doing.
I need to get my self-esteem back somehow so that I can restart my business (which I need to be very confident for) and get back some self-respect. All I do is cook, clean and look after my family. I might as well be a robot.

Untouchable the nurse knows in my case because its so painful it makes my eyes water.

Ive seen a lot of threads on here about husbands using porn. How do they know that the women in it havent been trafficked or forced? Dont they care!

This is marital neglect IMO. My h has no interest at all and doesnt use porn. He prefers computers and gadgets. The best way i can describe him is as a cross between Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory and Victor Meldrew.

I don't know if you remember me Darkest, but you have been there for me ever since I first admitted it on here. I thought I was the only one in the world.
Do you think you will have another affair or is it too much, with the feelings of guilt?
I don't judge you btw for the affair.

Yes i remember Untouchable You deserve so so much more

I really really dont know. At the moment i feel very confused. The lack of emotional support from my family .....my DM in particular has made me feel very bitter and resentful towards them. I come from a Catholic background and they tried to bring me up to believe that womens feelings dont matter and always comes last. My DM also has a Madonna/whore complex. No support in this from family at all.

Mine is the same, she has a go at me if I appear in the slightest bit resentful of him. She thinks he is an angel because I persuade him to do nice things for my family. They have no idea that it is me behind all the good deeds and how he regards me as the unpaid au pair.

Its misogyny in a rampant form and its the only rampant thing about our lives

We dont have penises so therefore we dont matter. DH doesnt want to go to my parents for Xmas so therefore i will be going on my own.

And i know my DM is going to spend the time sighing and saying at regular intervals "Isnt it funny without Mr Darkesteyes here" like its my fault that he doesnt like Xmas. Because everything is our fault because we have vaginas. To be fair he cant go out in damp weather with COPD because it causes breathing problems but his illness isnt my fault either and i have a feeling im going to be made to feel like it is.

I became pregnant when I was very young. My ex was older than me, manipulative, abusive.

I hid the pregnancy for some time. I was in denial. When he found out, he was very angry. He wanted me to get rid of it, and for no-one ever to know. First he made me put Dettol up my vagina, to induce miscarriage.

It didn't work. Eventually, at about 7 months pregnant, he threw me to the ground and kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. I have never experienced pain or anguish like it, knowing that someone was trying to kill my baby.

Luckily the baby was fine. However he started making noises about driving me to an out of the way area, when I was due to give birth, and abandoning the baby 'where someone could find it'

That motivated me to tell my parents. I still tried to 'make it work' with my ex. Two weeks after giving birth, he made me give him a blow job, then raped me. I was in my parents house, in the spare room, changing my DC nappy at the time. He raped me on the bed beside my DC.

Over the next year, he was only interested in me when he wanted sex. In front of other people, when it suited him, he could look like such a wonderful, devoted father. It was all a lie. We used to go for walks, with DC in the pushchair, and he would make me have sex with him in parks/alleyways while DC lay napping in the buggy.

We once went to his friend's house, and he made me give him a BJ in front of a friend.

He also raped me anally quite a few times. This all happened from the age of 13, when we first 'got together'. He was my 'boyfriend'. I 'loved' him.

Eventually I got rid of him, I became strong. I haven't seen him since, he has nothing to do with DC and DC has been adopted by my husband

I come from a very good family. I had music lessons and private school. My parents didn't have a clue. Quite a few of my friends were in similar relationships. It is terribly easy for older boys and men to groom girls, any girl.

To look at me now, I've been married to a wonderful man for ten years now,have wonderful DC, I live in a lovely house, I am happy and successful. But I am ashamed of myself, and my past. I'm ashamed I tried to make it work with someone who tried to hurt my baby. I am ashamed that i got myself into such a bad position.

I have seen the darkest, darkest parts of humanity and it has changed me, I was so very young. I was a glorious, sunshiney girl, with a life full of love, friendship, privilege, happiness. then one man came along and destroyed me. I live in terror that my DC will meet someone like that.

Keep a close eye on your daughters, at all times.

abitsad You have no reason to feel ashamed NONE AT ALL

The shame belongs to your ex ALL of it.

Im so sorry you went through all that but its ALL his fault.

I am very glad that you have found happiness after such horrific experiences.

I am studying (PG), working, single parent to two dcs. I'm broke, I'm afraid I'll be broke forever. I'm convinced I'm unlovable, that I'm not good enough for a man to want to be in a committed relationship with me. I am to blame for many of the situations I've found myself in as a result of a series of bad decisions believing I was doing the right thing. I think so little of myself that I take the crumbs of attention a married man throws my way. I was raped 2 years ago and continued to see the man because I didn't believe anyone else would want me. I come across as confident but I'm not. I yearn for a man of my own someone who will be my partner and navigate this life with me. Right now I do it by myself, alone and as history has shown me when I try to better myself I seem to fail .I constantly fear that I'll fail as a mother, my course and in life.

The only thing I'm proud of are my dcs.

I fear that life will never get better even though I actively work towards a better future. I have hope though and that is what keeps me going. Hope and my dcs.

Please please do not flame me.

A bit sad, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I agree with the rest, you have seen things most will never see and I do not doubt that it changed you; formed your understanding of the world.

But you did nothing to be ashamed of.

Get it off your chest. That will make room for the beauty that exists alongside everything else xxx

I feel guilty, can you do some self esteem work? When all else fails esteem work is beautiful work to do. I think that doing that for yourself will create a balance....there is all that shit on one side, but there is a growing and regular feeling that you are a good and decent person and you are worthy of being loved.

You matter, you are loveable just like everyone else and if you keep working at it and believing in yourself, you will make changes little by little.

I am also broke by the way haha! But like you, I have a plan.

wouldntitbegood Your story could have been mine. My DH left after an affair when DC's were v small. Over the last 20 odd years I have always wondered what it would have been like now if we had got back together, and I know deep down I would be feeling like you are now, so Im glad we stayed apart.

You only have one shot at life and if you are unhappy you need to start making plans for your future - or stay unhappy

Im still up crying and trying not to comfort eat (I WONT ) ive worked too fucking hard to lose the weight and i cant keep going through this cycle.

Stay strong Darkest, you know your worth all the hard work you've put in. Keep posting for support here, you'll get through the dark times to somewhere better soon, just got to hold on. X

Thankyou Keepit.

Feeling any better today Darkest? I know the days like that are horrible.

I have a major thing for a man I met recently. We met when his company gave us a quote for a job on our house - his company is now doing the job so (his employees) are in our house most days.

He is not my usual type - he's a good bit older than me, not the type I'd go for looks-wise, and worst of all he's married with children. But from the moment I set eyes on him there was the most ridiculously strong chemistry and I struggled to look him eye because frankly I wanted to climb on his lap.

He is making it pretty obvious he feels the same way. He is very friendly and tactile, much more so when DH isn't around the house. There are lots of long, lingering looks and contact when there doesn't need to be (nothing outwardly dodgy, just him dropping by because he wants to see how the work's going; texting me about details of the job, etc...). He is also full on with compliments and innuendos.

In my head we have done every rude thing in the rude things book.

But I won't act on it and I feel like a total bitch for what's going on in my head. My DH is lovely - attentive, kind, thoughtful, our sex life is good & I love him. If he was having thoughts like this about another woman I would be devastated.

Actually now I've written it all down I feel even worse

myarse
wow, I could have written every single word of your post.

(On a lighter note, wonder if it's the same builder?!)

Hi Buzzard A bit better. I threw a big bar of chocolate out yesterday so i wouldnt be tempted to eat it. Feeling a bit stronger. Thankyou.

My H has been cheating on me, I think, for our entire relationship. He doesn't know that I know. And I am sick to my stomach as I think he's about to start again. I discovered by accident texts between himself and his most junior team member. Nothing too incriminating but too familiar and all too familiar IYSWIM.
I don't snoop, purely for the reason that I will probably find, and I made myself promise that unless I was prepared to do something about what I found, I should leave well enough alone. But I saw linked texts from his ipad to his iphone.
I have seen - a decade ago - a profile on a hook-up website. I have received an anonymous message from a fake profile on Facebook, telling me I was being cheated on. I have read inappropriate texts. I have had so many times him displaying textbook cheaters' script. And every fucking time I have danced the pick me dance, pasted a smile on my face and looked the other way.What the fuck is wrong with me, that I am worth so little to him that he can keep doing this? Why am I not enough? Why is our little boy and I not enough for him? What is he doing with such a pathetic, ugly, personality free shit-head like myself that he has to constantly do this?
And I'm just going to see it all unfold infront of me again. I want to shake him and ask him why is he not worried about losing his son, me, his life ? All for a blonde 10 years youger than me, un-tarnished by the drudge of domesticity. I want to shake her, too, and ask her if she thinks she's special, if she thinks she's the first ?
Why am I such a crap wife? Why am I such a spineless piece of shit? My son deserves a strong woman who commands respect, not this. I don't know if I can do it anymore.

You are not a 'crap wife' Thousand you need to stop excusing his behaviour by blaming it on yourself.

You are about to reach the point where you don't put up with it anymore.

Thousand - He is an arse you are not a crap wife
You are a decent person who gave this man your love and trust
he is a dick who abused it, I agree with Buzzard, you are about
to hit rock bottom, hopefully you will find the strength to crush
this loser on your way back up, hugs to you sweetheart, been there and its rubbish, but you will be okay and you will sort it out...when you feel strong enough.

testing name change (was was born out of desperation when every name I tried was already taken)

I think I have fallen in love with my female best friend.

There, it is out in the open. (albeit behind a name change)

We are both married, this is never ever going to happen and I will not act on it.
Which means these feelings hurt.

What the hell do I do?

ohforfuckssake - your post really resonates with me, have you thought of posting in the Turning Tavern thread?