Change yr name, make a confession!

[iamsomeoneelse]

A thread to get something deep and dark off your chest -- anonymously!

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I'll get the ball rolling:

I really feel that there are some deep cracks forming in my marriage, and I have a horrible feeling that divorce may be on the horizon after 10+ years of marriage. Part of me is terrified by the effect this might have on my two DDs, but another part of me is quietly excited at the prospect of a new and different kind of relationship.

We are like a great mum and dad to the DC's. Sleep far apart. DH tries to initiate sex unsuccessfully.

In my head I live a different life - I look at houses I could afford to buy alone with the DCS. - trapped knowing how much hurt could happen if I was strong enough to say how I felt.

Wouldn't it be good my ex was one of those men who tricks you into a relationship with a bombardment of lovely words but there was nothing real behind it. I didn't realise this till long after I left him, when I read a definition of a psychopath and it was just him in a nutshell.

I tried in the relationship to tell him what was wrong .I tried until I realised he wouldn't change and then I suppose I became a bit cold and distant and unresponsive

FoxSake

With you 100%. Revenge seems a good idea but is pointless. Eventually the old hurt resurfaces.

I would have been a totally different person if I'd had the balls to walk when I suspected she cheated; proper sliding doors moment - I mean totally different person (not sure better or worse thou!!!).

Instead I let it build up inside and turned into something that went against all my values I grew up with. I got a grip of myself for a while, but eventually I realised it was all one big lie - what a god awful situation to be in!

If I were ever single again I wouldn't commit unless I knew 100% we're both in 100%!
I would never cheat on someone I had a solid relationship with.
I can not respect a cheater (include self respect here); its not the act, rather its the deceit.

I would advise anyone who has cheated on DP to be honest with them, whatever the outcome, it will be better than the alternative.

Testing

Like Porridge and Honest, DH's and my sex drives are totally out of kilter and always have been. He's just not very sexual or sensual and really isn't fussed whereas I am the opposite. I've had many sexual partners and can easily separate love from sex. To me, they are two totally different things.

Years of always initiating (and not regularly getting) sex have left me disinterested in my DH, who actually is a fantastic man otherwise. He is also a poor kisser, and although he asked me to teach him in the early days, he was never that bothered. For the first time in our relationship, I now see men all the time who I imagine having sex with.

My head is finally being turned by someone else who I am highly attracted to. At the moment I just want to kiss him as I'm not sure that I could live with myself if I went any further. There is a fair bit of flirting though I cannot be sure that his morals are as loose as mine as his marriage broke up due to his ex-W's infidelity.

I'm tempted to beg DH for sex constantly in the hope that he tells me to go off and get it elsewhere, what kind of bitch am I?

Tothebeat

A sexually frustrated one?

To D. You always doubted it but going through what we did was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Our bond achieved what everyone thought would never happen. We DID IT and I will be proud of that for the rest of my days.

'US' could never have gone further than it did and never will. We both accept that and I couldn't say all the things I wanted to say but oh, our love for each other was and will always remain the most beautiful thing that I think is quite rare.

You are part of my soul and I'm part of yours. More than sex, more than romance. You are part of me and I'm part of you and we'll both have lovers and laughs and a good life separately but we'll always have what we had.

You protected me in a way that no-one else ever has or will again. You think I 'saved' you but we saved each other. You showed me that amongst all the horror, beautiful and unexpected things can happen.

We will always love each other. We'll never stop even though we'll be apart. We will always know that there is at least one person in the world that would move heaven and earth if we asked them to but we know we'll never ask. Just the knowing is good enough.

I will love you to the end of my days and you'll love me. I'm so proud of you and 'us'. Live well and love well. Every step I take you're with me and I'm with you.

Wouldn'titbegood - I think we both agree there
We went on to get married, I meant every word of my vows
I am gutted I ruined my integrity, I was the better person
then I ruined it.... I totally agree with what you said...
I wish I had screamed and shouted, I wish I had reacted
but no, i bottled it all up, believed I was unlovable and that
no one would want to marry me, two wrongs still don't make a right though.
It is hard to know if after all that poison a relationship can survive, but to
be honest I am going to try my best to have integrity and dignity..

Yes sickoffrozen, exactly that: a sexually frustrated kind of bitch! I'm actually thinking of starting this sexual bombardment tonight, just to get the ball rolling, even though I'm not particularly interested in sex with my poor DH.

wouldntitbegood

I've never been one to be all lovey dovey, I don't act like a moody cow around him either as he's controlling so I know how to keep him happy and I do it for the DC's because when he's unhappy the whole atmosphere in the house changes.

Like a pp who said her ex tortures her by saying hes not returning the DC's etc, I know if I left I'd be mentally tortured too so its easier just to stay put, suck it up and play happy families.

What a shit life eh

Stilltryingtoforget
Im so sorry to hear what happened to you.

What he did to you was horrendous and disgusting . No way must you blame yourself. He took advantage of your situation a don way was he a chivalrous white knight.

He's lucky you didn't bite hard.

Can you go to rape crisis and get some proper counselling and help you to move on.

Still trying to forget

I think you need to start your own thread. Yours just keeps getting buried.

Please give rape crisis a ring and book an appointment. If its impacting onyour life and relationship then you need to deal with it.

The y will help you to decide if telling your partner is appropriate.

I hate my ex sooooo much, and I hate his new girlfriend too, I wish them both slow deaths, I don't want to feel like this but I cannot seem to stop

My confession is something that I've realised over this past week. I really dislike my mum.
I'm currently in couselling for sexual abuse as a teen and it's digging up lots of old feelings and memories.
The main one being forcing a 13 year old girl back into the house she was sexually abused as she needed a break.
Telling a 16 year old that she was a mistake and that she never really wanted me.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact the mum I thought I had doesn't exist. This super caring do anything for you isn't there and it's fucking hard seeing her true self.
I feel like I am grieving for a person I've never met.

How do you get past the hurt and the pain of all of this?

Demented, you don't. You learn to live with it and it slowly loses its hold on you.

Then you are free.

Darkesteyes and Untouchable Then I too am a 'Barbara'.

I actually broke down and confided to my best friend about this. I haven't said anything to anyone until I said it on here. My DH begs me not to tell anyone and I kept it to myself all these years (really, if I think about it - it's been about 12 years since we had any kind of proper sex She was horrified and said that because I never talked about my sex life, that she presumed it must be really good. She asked me why I stay with him.

So, why do I stay with him? This morning he brought me breakfast in bed because I had a very hard day and lots of travelling yesterday. We will be doing our weekly shop (he holds my hand around the supermarket and puts things in the trolley that he knows I really like). We'll watch xfactor together and have a laugh and a few glasses of wine because it's saturday night; We've been talking about Christmas presents and when we'll put our tree up. I love him so much. BUT then, we'll go to bed and he'll do his usual kiss me on the forehead (as mentioned before, in case I think there might be a chance of sex), and then he'll turn his back on me and go to sleep and I'll prob have a bit of a cry to myself and go to sleep.

I know some of you have some awful problems and things to get over and I'm sorry to post about something that wouldn't be considered a problem for a lot of people but it's so awful. I really and truly don't know what to do.

That is a terrible problem havetosay, that must be awful to live with. And he isn't a nice man if he can sleep like a baby next to you going through this agony. Holding hands where everyone can see and ice cold in private. it is called abuse by neglect.

As for making you watch the x factor.......

So I am Barbara as well...shall we start sisterhood of sexually frustrated women on MN? Havetosay, Darkesteyes, Untouchable and probably more. My DH is like yours Havetosay...And it is killing me, I would rather have him cheating so i could send him to hell but no, he is nice, great father to our kids etc etc and I still respect him for how good man he is but I hate him for sex once a month, maybe twice, am I not a lucky girl?We used to be normal once... We discused it, he went to GP, had testosteron and thyroid tested, general blood profile. Nothing wrong with him technically. I blame myself for not looking good enough (?good enough before?), not feeling sexy and confident (?good enough before?) (would you feell like that in this circumstances?). He asked me to initiate more but after a few times i felt like terrier humping his leg and he started giving me strange looks every time I mention smth remotely sex related, even a joke...And we not even 40...

bipolish Do something about it now. I know it sounds a bit rich coming from me because I can't do anything about it, but you're not even 40. I've been living like this since I was 38

Don't blame yourself for how you look. I'm not exactly Angelina Jolie myself, but I know that I am an attractive late forties woman from the attention I get. As for not feeling sexy and confident, how can you when the person you live with and get into bed with every night is completely indifferent?

There seems to be a few of us doesn't there?

sadfamilystory so sorry to hear of all you have been through.

Xx

Havetosay now you scared me, I am 38 he is 39...
I am always the one who solves problems, 'doer', so for me to do something about it is not a problem itself. We have two kids and we look like happy family. I feel guilty that my sexuality could ruin their happy lives, s..t...Actually I am scared of the moment when I reach critical mass and won't be able to control myself and things start rolling.

Hello to all the other members of The Barbara Club. Havetosay I felt very uncomfortable reading how he holds your hand in public. Part of me thought is he trying to be affectionate? Another part of me thought Is he putting on a show so that if/when you do confide in someone you wont be believed.

I was 23 when DH stopped wanting me He was 46. We are now 41 and 64. He doesnt touch me at all. No hugs or hand holding here. If he did so in public i would be furious. Its manipulative IMO. Its nothing to do with how we look believe me. I lost ten stone and it made no difference. Its been 18 years in my case. I had a 4 and a half year affair between 2003 and 2008.

I had one night with someone last month. He was lovely. We tried PIV but even though i was aroused penetration was too painful after all this time. he was great about it and stopped straight away when i told him in hurt. He brought me to orgasm manually the following morning and it was also lovely being held for most of the night. I felt more guilty this time than i did when i had my long term affair and i think its because my h is ill now He has ischemic heart disease and emphysema.
I tried to talk to H about things and he suggested that i go for counselling so i could get used to things the way they are He knew i had slept with someone last month and he said "tbh im not surprised" I dont know whether that was a dig about my morals or an admittance that he could see why it happened. Because of his counselling suggestion im starting to think that its the former.

And if it is what does that say about the way he thinks of women and me in particular. It makes me feel abnormal and i know im not.

I have asked DH to go for joint marriage counselling in the past several years ago. He didnt want to.

Does anybody else in this situation also find smear tests incredibly painful?

I do Darkest. I wonder if the nurse knows? I find it so embarrassing. My GP looked at me incredulously when I said I didn't need contraception. I wanted to die.