To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

Doc - your situation hits very close to home. I can't even bear to think about it.

Who - I've just got back from my parents actually. Maybe that was part of the catalyst for all this. I had a great time. DH and I hardly spoke all week

"He repeatedly fucks up and is extremely rude, then crawls back, minimising and being all jokey and 'let's go back to normal now'. I'm a forgive and forget person, hence the reason we are still together"
OK, it is bloody hard to admit to yourself that your own personality has been used against you, but OP, this is what has happened. He has taken your nature as giving him carte blanche, and I think if you were able ti look over the length of your relationship, you'd see his behaviour escalating. I wonder if it took quite a hike when you had DD, because he would then see you as well and truly trapped. As indeed, you seem to be seeing yourself right now.

"The look on his face when he made the insect comment was almost worse than the words."
"but he's gone too far and something has shifted in me."
I was so glad to read of the shift, because that is so important. It's not enough to see a shit for the shit they are, the impetus to get rid of the shit has to come from within. I'm guessing that even your 'forgive and forget' has realised that this latest cannot be forgiven and should not be forgotten. Make sure you hold on to that image of his face when he said he would flick you off like an insect. It will strengthen you when you waver, and waver you will - you are human.

And so to the practicalities.

"If I was still working I would go and put a deposit down on a one bed flat tomorrow, but I'm on mat leave and only receiving 30% of my pay cheque. I'm trapped. I don't want to go back to work early and miss raising my dd- I will never get this time back with her. "
YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED! You have a job to go back to. If it's any comfort, I went back to work when my DS was 4 months old, even after selling the car we couldn't afford me to be off any longer. It's a reality for many people, your daughter will not feel singled out by this. You will not miss raising your DD - if anything, you will cherish your time with her all the more.

"And wtf will my parents say if we separate? They shelled out so much money for our wedding. How do you know when it is really time to give up?"
DO your parents love you? Then they would pay a hundred times over what they paid for your wedding, to get you out of an unhappy marriage. Even if the breakdown hits them out of the blue, they will want you out of there pronto. Don't dismiss moving in with them in the short term - sometimes a bit if breathing space makes it easier to think things through. Plans to change your life can feel like less of a wrench when they're thought through away from 'home'.

Phone them and explain to them what's going on. Then pack some stuff and get in the car. You'll then be with people who can give you emotional (and possibly practical?) support and you can have some space to think.

"What's making this all muddy in my head is that arguably, I give as good as I get. From my perspective, when he's rude to me, I defend myself. From his perspective that makes us 'as bad as each other.' Maybe he's right and I have no basis to be sanctimonious and harbour thoughts of leaving him? "
How are you being sanctimonious? Honestly, how?

As for 'giving as good as you get' - that muddies the waters not one whit. It would not make your marriage any more recoverable if you were to meekly accept his disrespect. Do you seriously think you would be any happier in this marriage if you took all this shit off him silently? Or that he would be more respectful of you? Of course he wouldn't! (Personally I think it would make him disrespect you all the more.)

All it means is that you still have enough shreds of self-respect to consider that this marriage is NOT WORKING and to consider what you want to do about that.

As a complete aside - I've been pondering the toothbrush incident. That's not a question of manners, that's a hygiene issue. Just because this woman is a freeloading piss-taker does not means she has to be a skank. So then I started to wonder, what if MIL did this deliberately? Why would she do that? And the only thing I could come up with is that she meant it to show her level of disrespect for you OP. To make it absolutely crystal clear to you. She knows she's disrupting her son's marriage, and she's happy to do so. Those apron strings are never going to be cut, she wants him all to herself. And she has raised him to treat his wife with disrespect, probably reinforces it every time she sees him.

I do not say this to make you pity him OP. I am trying to point out that this man is most likely un-fixable.

I can totally understand your feelings about going to stay with your parents if it's a place you don't enjoy being.

However, do think about it more carefully.

If you do split - and I really hope you do - it's going to be a long, complex process before you get to be where you want to be, where you feel you've 'made it out'.

So, take it one step at a time. If you really think that simply being at your parents place for say, three months is going to depress you horribly, then don't do it - but, if you can see it as a step along the road towards getting to where you want to be, then what this could do is sort a LOT of the immediate situation, and most of all allow you to continue to spend maximum time with your DD.

Three months at your parents'. No H in your face. Lots of quality alone time both with your DD and with yourself, sorting out what you want. Crucially, saving money. Probably house-hunting - back in the county you want to be in.

Maybe at least go for a few days, now.

What's making this all muddy in my head is that arguably, I give as good as I get. From my perspective, when he's rude to me, I defend myself. From his perspective that makes us 'as bad as each other.' Maybe he's right and I have no basis to be sanctimonious and harbour thoughts of leaving him? Maybe I need to lead by example for a while (i.e not rise to the bait) and see if he follows suit? If he continues to be obnoxious at least I can say, categorically, that I was the better person.

-none of this matters, really. One of your biggest downfalls will be trying to rationalise things like this, because it will keep you where you are, 'fighting' - which actually translates as staying put and shutting up, because he won't change. The main thing is what it is - you can see what kind of person he is, what life with him is like for you and will be like as a family, and you don't want it. If he wants to disagree and call you all sorts, well fine. Just like his (lucky) ex, you're deciding that you don't want the kind of 'partnership' he's made clear he will create. That's it.

Having recently had babies myself, I would urge you to prioritise, if you can, the time with your DD, because that's the only thing you won't get back, or be able to treat yourself enough to make up for, when you're out of this and through to the other side.

Two thoughts. One is to focus on him and what he said to you. Leave mil out of it for now. The important relationship is between the two of you.

I think she's a bit of a distraction really. He'll too easily revert to 'it's just another squabble about my mother' and not recognise that what you're talking about is him and you.

Secondly, you don't need his permission to leave, or to feel what you feel. The 'as good as you get' argument is a red herring. You are never obliged to love him or obliged to stay, however horrible you might occasionally be. What do you feel? That's what counts.

Interesting btw that you say 'he attacks, you defend yourself, then he says you're as bad'. Huh? Do you ever launch into an unprovoked attack on him?

It sounds as though family for him is his birth family, not the one he's made. You may join his family but you are not his family, you are expendable. That does mean he should understand very easily your seeing your child as your real family, not him.

And wtf will my parents say if we separate? They shelled out so much money for our wedding. How do you know when it is really time to give up?

As a parent I wouldn't care if I'd sold my house to fund a wedding. If my DC were unhappy and living with someone like your husband, I'd want them out of there.

Living on my own would be so great. As much as he's an arsehole to me DH is a great dad and adores DD. He could have her every other weekend and some week nights if he wanted. (MIL would then go and visit her at his house and I would pretty much never have to see her).

I think once the dust settled, we'd be great parents - apart. Hopefully, if he wasn't bitter and nasty. It can't be much worse than now, with her potentially witnessing him calling me an insect one day.

I would have a nice little flat and would never have to pick up after him, listen to him swearing and smashing things about, clean his shit off the toilet bowl, etc... etc...

We don't even have cosy nights in and chit chat over the telly anymore. To me, that's my language of love - curling up on the sofa with a glass of wine and making each other laugh, being friends. We aren't really even friends. I get nothing from him. He talks over the top of me ALL THE TIME. It's the most awful thing, never being able to finish the point you are making. Needless to say our sex life is shit. Maybe that's why he resents me. I have never really enjoyed it with him and I think he thinks I'm a bit frigid. I let him think it rather than inform him of the reality that I've had incredible sex with other partners.

Given the current situation between you and DH, could you move out of the bedroom ( because who would share a bed with someone who likens them to an insect), and turn the sitting room into a separate bedroom for you?
This would make it clear to him how strongly you feel about his nastiness, and would have the added benefit of ensuring no room for MiL.
If this is something you want to do, remember you don't permission from him to do it. You can do it while he's at work. And I don't mean you sleeping on the sofa, I mean getting a bed in there, so you each have your own room.
If you are going to split up in the longterm it might be easier to simplify your living arrangements now.
The reason I'm suggesting you moving out of the current bedroomrather than him is that you won't have to persuade him\ get him to agree, you can just do what seems fit to you.

Aunty - we have been in separate bedrooms for months - I'm in with dd.

Junior, the more you say about this man, the worse he sounds. My ex used to hurl the "frigid" word at me. He could never see that if he had shown me even the tiniest amount of affection, it would have made a difference. How could I face having sex with a man who belittled, disrespected and hated me so much?

I was brought up to believe marriage was for life, that it had to be worked at and that smoothing troubles over would be for the best. It was a load of rubbish. Every time I smoothed things over, usually by apologising etc, he took it as further evidence that his opinions and behaviours were the right ones. All it did was reinforce his self worth whilst simultaneously crushing me further and further inside myself.

You also have to face the fact that he might not be a good parent. Swearing and smashing things up (which also sounds like my ex) is very frightening to small children. They learn to try and appease a parent like this, suppressing their own personality in a bid to keep this parent happy so they don't fly off the handle. If you tread on eggshells around this man, and know as an adult it shouldn't be like this, how do you think a small vulnerable child will cope?

You really need to phone Women's Aid and get some advice on your situation. You need to protect your child, and yourself.

"As much as he's an arsehole to me DH is a great dad and adores DD."
I disagree. He thinks a wife should be treated like shit. A DD will almost certainly become a wife. And if you continue living with this man, she will be acclimatised to that idea, and will expect her future relationships to play out this way . That makes him a shit dad, raising his daughter to have such low expectations of her future.

Jesus Christ.

So, so much worse than arguments about his mother - you're married to a man you quite justifiably despise.

No one can live like that.

MN will be here to support you. You can and will get out, and have a wonderful life.

One thing, though. He isn't a great Dad.

Hopefully, if he wasn't bitter and nasty. It can't be much worse than now, with her potentially witnessing him calling me an insect one day.

would never have to pick up after him, listen to him swearing and smashing things about, clean his shit off the toilet bowl, etc... etc...

This man isn't a parent, a communicator, a good example, a guide, even a decent human being... and him currently being able to smile and play with a 3-month old doesn't make him a 'great Dad' when his every other contribution to the home his baby lives in is aggression, tension, and controlling behaviour. Do think ahead, to the fact that it's very likely that what your DD will end up seeing is her stepmother screamed at, her grandmother and father subtly undermining you in your absence, and possibly down the line her being the one expected to clean up his shit.

You won't be obliged to send her for overnights until she is at least 2, and I would suggest thinking very hard just how much influence you want him and his mother to have on her development.

Oh sweetheart

You deserve to be happy. I.e. You deserve more than this.

Might be an idea to visit a solicitor for advice. Just to get the ball rolling and find out a bit more about what your next steps could be.

Really feel for you. What a crappy situation and how devastating.

As much as you don't like the area where your folks like I would go back down there, talk it out with them and clear your head a bit. It would be a nice change of scenery to talk to someone on your side unlike your MIL and DH.

The way he spoke to you was appalling - I would tell him exactly what your plan is so he knows you're for real and he won't get away with speaking to you like that and you're not going to put up with his INSUFFERABLE MIL anymore.

Using your toothbrush? Disgusting.

"As much as he's an arsehole to me DH is a great dad and adores DD".

No he is not a great dad at all, not even close, because he treats you so abysmally. What do you want to teach her about relationships here, surely not this dysfunctional role model of one. Women often write such guff (sorry but the above is true nonsense) as well because they can think of nothing else at all positive to write about their man (as is indeed the case here). He is a nasty soul anyway quite apart from the fact he has allowed himself to be walked on and over by his overbearing mother.

This man has clearly learnt nothing about the failure of his first marriage and likely will not learn anything from the ending of his second marriage to you either.

Don't forget that he would have to pay something(OK, not much, but aomething) towards dd's keep. You may be surprised by how much you have. Not forgetting how much you'd save by not buying expensive bread and sundrenched tomatoes for MIL.

I've been following this thread. I don't have any direct experience to offer but I do agree with other posters who have urged you not to stay with your DH just for financial reasons or for DDs sake, if he's great with her then he can be great with her at weekends etc, what he doesn't need to do is show your DD an example of how a partner should treat a woman.

Keep coming back to the thread, MN is so great in situations like this at offering support and knowledge.

And also, maybe speak to your parents and be honest about what's happening, they might know more than you'd think already and could offer the extra support you need to plan your escape. Money is just money I'm sure they won't care

I'm afraid the insect comment killed your marriage. He's told you exactly where you stand and what he thinks. Don't ignore it.

Go to CAB for a start and see where it leads.

The problem isn't your MIL visits it's your relationship, I don't think there is anything to rescue as he certainly voiced his true opinion of you with the insect comment.

Be strong x

to you OP. You sound like a really intelligent, caring and generous person. You deserve so much better than this.

Seems to me your MIL is behaving like this because she wants her son back. You didn't appear to answer my question as to whether he went back to mummy when his first marriage failed. If he did I think that is very relevant. She probably wants his back with her and is either deluded enough to think he will bring the baby or is too thick to realise that the baby is half his and she would be distancing herself from her own grand child.

This man is not fit to be your husband or your baby's father. You can only change one of those facts so make sure you do all you can.

You have numerous options and if you started a new thread for purely practicalities you will get lots of support and advice as to what you need to do and how to go about it.

I would be very tempted to pack up today and go to your parents for a few days. He has treated you appallingly and needs to see the consequences of that. If he isn't bothered that you have both left for a few days/weeks then you could use that to your advantage. He likes it so much you can make it permanent and since he can live with his mother he needs to move out for now ever.

BTW You sticking up for yourself when he treats you like shit is NOT making you as bad as him. It is what everyone should do when they are disrespected.

You are not stuck with this twat. You have options. Find them and implement them and then start leading a life that is free of bullying controlling men and bullying and controlling and demanding mother in laws.

Good luck.

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