To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

Will a solicitor charge me loads of money for a consultation?

OP I don't often speak like this, but I'm afraid you're married to a brute. It's not about his mother any more and I don't personally believe it's because of his nationality ... his appalling behaviour is an active choice on his part and, like others, I don't believe you're safe

Luckily it sounds as if you've come to this realisation yourself, so now my fingers are crossed ready for you telling us you're actually out of there

OP many solicitors offer the first half hour free, you'd need to ring round and find one who does this. Also, when you do get an appointment e-mail the details you have written here beforehand so the solicitor is informed when you meet, that way you will get the maximum value out of the consultation. Good luck.

0808 2000 247

That's the phone number for women's aid. You really really need to seek advice and support from them. They can direct you towards legal help with a solicitor experienced in domestic abuse cases.

Please call the police on 101 and formally log his bahaviours towards you. I read a thread just the other day about a woman who cannot get legal aid despite domestic abuse because she had not logged the abuse prior to trying to use the legal procedures. If you want to have the protection further down the line, you have to be more proactive at this point.

And although you feel confident at present that your physical well being is not at risk, abusers notoriously ramp things up when their victim begins breaking away. To be completely honest, you ow nothing about how your husband is going to respond once he realises you are not going to roll over and be a doormat any more. Please please protect yourself and your daughter.

Ok, if you're on 30% pay, could you move back in with your parents & save it towards a deposit?

Please do tell your parents; allow them the opportunity to support you. I know saying the words & telling them is very hard (been there).

But I don't think you can realistically last in this situation till the lease end. Things will likely deteriorate from now on.

Pity your MIL didnt use my toothbrush last week. I had impetigo on my bottom lip and its very contagious.

"The point about logging is important. I'm logging his behaviour on this thread."
I can only echo the other posters here, you need to log his behaviour with the police. The judge ordering custody arrangements of your daughter will not give a fig what's on Mumsnet, but will surely take into account OFFICIAL information from police, GP, HV.

I will also reiterate what DocMcStuffin said, that "you know nothing about how your husband is going to respond once he realises you are not going to roll over and be a doormat any more." Do not minimise this to yourself, please.

Another row blew up and he's gone fk a hotel. He says I was being aggressive and it goaded him into the making the insect comment. I don't know how I was being aggressive. We were having an argument about his mother I suppose.

We're having a long text exchange. He's saying I'm selfish again for not putting up with his mother for a few hours. It's the culmination of all of it that he is missing, the many visits and the many liberties. He just doesn't get it, we are on totally different pages. He said sorry if I felt 'abused'. I told him he's shown complete contempt for me and no respect. He says all he does it try to make me happy, apparently.

Please do tell your parents; allow them the opportunity to support you. I know saying the words & telling them is very hard

I second this. One of my DC is very, very independent, but I'd be devastated to know they'd been going through something like this on their own. Especially with a baby involved.

"He says I was being aggressive and it goaded him into the making the insect comment."

Next thing it'll be your fault that he's pushed you, slapped you...

He didn't have to say those thing, he chose to.

He didn't even immediately apologise.

As for his mum, lots of us try to help family.

But not at any expense.

there's usually a compromise.

He's not even willing to think about that.

It's all his & his mum's way or nothing.

Oh and you probably weren't being aggressive.

i would seriously think about going to parents, just to get a break from him if nothing else.

a couple of days & nights with people who love you & care about you.

You won't have to worry about what you say or what might be said in return.

What's the advantage to staying where you are until Feb?

Please log the verbal abuse and throwing with the police.

Please call 101, and talk to the person on the line - you can tell them he is gone to a hotel, but ask what you should do if he returns - say that you feel intimidated and are afraid, so what is the best course of action if he returns.

This will put today's incidents on record.

Stop texting.

Please, tell your parents!

All he does is try to make you happy, by throwing things aggressively when you won't bow down and see things his way and shut up and by calling you a cunt and an insect?

What a terribly odd way to try and bring a smile to someone's face.

Stop engaging - it's nonsense, irrelevant tosh from an abuser. Just keep away from him, record his abuse, and plan to get away.

" He says I was being aggressive and it goaded him into the making the insect comment. I don't know how I was being aggressive."
OK, let's pick this apart, it makes it easier to see how he is trying to manipulate you.

Of course you don't know how you were being aggressive - because you weren't being aggressive. Either:

1. he sees you being anything other than a doormat as being aggressive, or
2. he is trying to make you unsure, uncertain about what just happened, calling into question your own memory of events (google 'gaslighting' for more info OP, it's a common tactic), or
3. he does not take responsibility for his own behaviour. Indeed, he regularly claims that your behaviour excuses his own. Remember, you earler posted "From my perspective, when he's rude to me, I defend myself. From his perspective that makes us 'as bad as each other." I'd hazard a guess this is the usual 'defence' he trots out.

"It goaded him"
Pretty much confirms that he will not take responsibility for his own actions/behaviour.

He has used this 'defence' so much that you posted earlier "What's making this all muddy in my head is that arguably, I give as good as I get. From my perspective, when he's rude to me, I defend myself. From his perspective that makes us 'as bad as each other.' Maybe he's right and I have no basis to be sanctimonious and harbour thoughts of leaving him? Maybe I need to lead by example for a while (i.e not rise to the bait) and see if he follows suit? If he continues to be obnoxious at least I can say, categorically, that I was the better person."

So - "making this all muddy in my head" and "maybe he's right". Looked at in isolation, can you see that this is a tactic he uses to keep you off-balance and doubting yourself? And that it is a tactic he has used often and, until today, successfully?

"He says all he does it try to make me happy, apparently."
Well, you can see that for the obvious lie that it is. And he was lying about you being aggressive too, because so far, that's worked for him .

He's back and did not check into the hotel (the rucksack he took was just for show). We had a long, calm-ish conversation about his mother. He says he genuinely doesn't know what to do about it because she thinks she and I are good friends and has no idea she's imposing.

I said we are long past the mother issue and I'm more concerned about the utter disrespect and contempt with which he's treated me. He said he doesn't feel valued by me and he doesn't think I fancy him.

Does he not think that being an abusive gaslighting twunt is a major turn off.

Hmm. So he is pretty much turning the tables on you. You feel undervalued and put upon so he whines about how you don't appreciate him. And he wants more sex. Obviously.

The rucksack was for show because he wanted (expected?) his forgive-and-forget wife who he would flick off like an insect to come running after him/phone him to come back.

It really doesn't matter what he claims his mother thinks - "I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us" and he has done pretty much NOTHING about it.

"He said he doesn't feel valued by me and he doesn't think I fancy him." Again with the not taking responsibility for his behaviour but preferring to blame it all on you! Plus, it's really not easy to fancy someone who has continuously shown you such disrespect. Or who throws things around. Or who calls you a sour faced cunt.

."He says he genuinely doesn't know what to do about it because she thinks she and I are good friends and has no idea she's imposing."

What to do?

He just tells her that no, she can't stay.

"He said he doesn't feel valued by me ."

That may be true, but he certainly doesn't value you, OP.

Are you supposed to be grateful that he didn't leave you in peace for the night?

So the subtext is, it's all your fault? If he's abusive - really, nastily, violently verbally abusive- it will be because you haven't been stroking his ego enough?

Right.

What's happened here is that he's furious and bewildered that - unlike all the other times when He repeatedly fucks up and is extremely rude, then crawls back, minimising and being all jokey and 'let's go back to normal now'. - you have reached your limit.

He's tried the minimising, it didn't work. He's tried minimising and dismissing with a nice side order of aggression:

He's come in and said he's got lunch ready and bought me some magazines. He said 'it's time to end this silliness', and when I said we needed to discuss the insect comment he started shouting... called me a 'sour faced cunt', and went into the living room and threw something.

So he's tried the all out argument and the final ploy - the 'leaving', complete with fake bag packed, designed to shock you into pleading for him not to go. It didn't work so he's come back, because he was never going to actually leave. His aim is not to leave or split up, but to somehow get you back in your box.

So now it's 'conciliation.' Opening up a bit. This is what you describe as a 'calm discussion'. It's not, actually. He is doing 'listening to you' because he has tried every other option to shut you the fuck up without actually putting a fist in your face, and it hasn't worked. Note that there is no actual 'discussion' - his contribution is meaningless- there is a lot he could do, starting with telling his mother that her using your home as a cheap b&b is not possible any more - but he has no intention of doing that, of doing anything. He's replied with some guff, and then started listing YOUR faults. He's been abusive? Well, you need to change to stop it!

Here's what you said earlier. You say he's ready to listen? Why not open up to him with this -

We don't even have cosy nights in and chit chat over the telly anymore. To me, that's my language of love - curling up on the sofa with a glass of wine and making each other laugh, being friends. We aren't really even friends. I get nothing from him. He talks over the top of me ALL THE TIME. It's the most awful thing, never being able to finish the point you are making. Needless to say our sex life is shit...

Only don't, because you'd soon see, quite terrifyingly, how little he intends the 'calm discussion' phase to include actually listening to what you feel and want.

The fact that he's back in the house is quite worrying, please think again about getting out for the night. He has come back to make you be what he wants you to be. You are really not in a safe position right now.

Oh and I'll say it again - please please please REPORT to the police.

Previous posters have hit the nail on the head: responsibility. His problem is he does not take responsibility for an iota of his behaviour. It is always me provoking him or a shitty day he's had that's put him in a bad mood, etc... etc...

Earlier, I also asked him to stop using the word cunt - he uses it all the time (not necessarily just to insult me), and we have a child now. His answer was that he uses the word 'cunt' because he's 'bohemian'. So tired of it all.

In a bid to appease me he's said he will go to anger management counselling sessions.

I'm just going to continue with the plan - line up accommodation and log incidents with GP. Then at the point I go back to workwe'll see if he's had a personality transplant or not.

I meant to say previously, that I would be astounded if your parents didn't already have a pretty good idea about what's going on in your marriage.

In these situation we are often a step behind emotionally about what's going on. I suspect you'll reflect on things overnight & tomorrow you'll have a bit more clarity & will be planning your exit.