To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

OP what a horrible time you are having. I really second other posters' suggestions that you talk to your DPs. I know how you feel, but I am sure they would much MUCH rather be there to help you get sorted. No matter how hard it will be telling them, they clearly love you and would support you.

As for getting things on record, what about the HV as well?

6 weeks I'd known dh for when we married. That's speedy! 2 years is not speedy.

Ring 101 and ask for the DV Unit. They are trained and know that DV is not just physical. I believe that can just log. Talk it all through with them.

goodness, jux, that is quick! how did it work out? :) (if you wish to say, ofc, I'm just curious!)

How is being rude and disrespectful a crime that needs to be logged with the police? Op has said she in no way feels threatened. Her dh shouted and threw something in a different room and not aimed at her. Have we not all done this at some point? Who here has never shouted or thrown anything? Why would the gp be interested unless they can prefer for counselling?

This is clearly a relationship in trouble but reporting each other to the police unlikely to help unless there is genuine aggression rather than just rudeness obviously.

My sis ended up in a refuge with her kids fleeing a violent partner and has rebuilt her life. So I don't say this lightly but being rude and unkind are good reasons to leave someone but seriously...police matter?? What would they log, dh was rude to his wife, wife does not feel threatened and does believe that any violence or aggression will ensue.

Good luck op hope you make the decision to move on, you aren't proving anything by staying in a toxic relationship and it is bad for your dd.

Verbal abuse is still abuse, Heels. And throwing things is intimidation - and can often escalate, especially if the 'controller' feels his control slipping. This point, when the victim has felt 'something shift' in her, this is the most dangerous time - the point at which the abuser often feels that they have no control, and nothing to lose. That is why it should be logged, with someone - police, GP, HV, WA...

plus if it is logged, then OP may be able to get Legal Aid in her divorce. And it will help if the 'D'H decides to go for 50/50 child access. If he turns out to actually be physically abusive, then he may not get all the access he wants. Again, he knows this, and it can be dangerous to underestimate him at this stage.

But op says she doesn't feel threatened or intimidated and that she verbally abuses him too?

Two years is a decent amount of time together (I was already married a year by that point) before marriage you have nothing to be ashamed about. A lot of people show their true nature once married especially once you have a baby they think that you trapped and they can treat you like shit.

If you feel safe then take your time. You sound like you have the ability to make new plans when needed.

Verbal and emotional abuse. Throwing objects. Losing temper. Controlling her living situation. Manipulation. Gas-lighting. Disrespecting, insulting, raging, flouncing, threatening...

Yes, this is definitely abuse. Log it, don't hesitate OP. You might rely on it later. Hopefully you'll never need it, and nothing will be lost for having logged it.

If you're serious about staying with him until Feb, keep a bag packed and a friend on stand-by in case you want to get out quick.

Take the best of care of yourself. You deserve better than this x

Heels, I do verbally abuse him too. Things are not clear cut, as you've pointed out. I hope I haven't led some posters to believe I'm a beacon of virtue. Of course I feel justified in doing it at the time because it's always in response to something he's said or done, but if I'm going to be 100% confident that he's 'the bad guy' I feel he is, I need to try and behave in an exemplary manner for a while. It's hard for me to see or remember clearly exactly what happens when we have an emotional row i.e. Who said what first, who raised the stakes, who was personal or unreasonable first. The times when we've deconstructed our rows, they lead to new rows because we have differing accounts of what took place and in what order. In the aftermath, DH often twists or inverts the order of what was said to justify his own behaviour. For example, if I'd called him a 'prick' in the final throes of a terrible row, following many insults by him - he'll say I said it at the beginning - hence making the row look like it was just a tit for tat argument. Ive wished I'd recorded so many of our arguments so I could play them back to him. Next time, I'm not going to get drawn into it. I'm just going to jot down what he says and walk away.

As a previous poster said, I am in a position to go - but not right this minute. I have enough in the bank for a deposit on a rental, but I need to be back at work to ensure I can pay the rent ongoing. I told DH once I was back at work we would part ways and he nodded along, no doubt not worrying about it too much because that is months from now, and he probably thinks I'm just being dramatic to make a point. Saying it and doing it are very different things. He thinks the dust has settled since then because we are talking. We have to because I am having a really hard time with dd at the moment crying constantly and I need his help.

Verbally defending yourself from someone who is verbally attacking you is not the same as starting the attack in the first place. There is a huge difference in my mind. So on that basis, no, you are not verbally abusive to him too, he just knows exactly how to press your buttons to get a reaction out of you so then he can say "look, you're just as bad". Which is exactly what he does.

Your H is the aggressor here, and you are the victim of his aggression, even if you respond with similar aggression - you are not initiating this, if he didn't goad you you wouldn't start on him. That is a clear distinction that needs to be made.

Please don't get sucked into believing the lie that it makes you "as bad as him" because you quite naturally defend yourself in any way you can against someone who is attacking you.

You do not verbally abuse him. Get that shit out of your mind - he's gaslighting you.

I think you're right. Record him and you and later, when you can, sit down and listen to it dispassionately. It'll help you gain an objectively clear picture and reinforce what is actually happening, or make you reassess. Either will be useful.

You do need to stop worrying about other people and what they'll think if you separate though. It's your life and your daughter's. What other people think is irrelevant.