To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

Well, op she is your mil!
Make her welcome. Lay out the red carpet.
It is because of her you have you DH and in turn your DC you should be eternally greatful to her and kiss the water she walks on......said no one ever!
YANBU. Can you use the room she uses for something else?
Is there anyone your DH listens to that you could have a quiet word with?
I've noticed the advise on MN in general is allow the DH to deal with his family but it doesn't look like he will step up so it will be down to you.

Your dh needs to support you on this. It's unreasonable. Why should you skivvy after a houseguest all the time?

Are you going to continue to have room for her or will baby need 'her' room soon? Potential solution could be to tell her your family is changing and this situation is no longer suitable.

Also just go out if you have plans she's interrupting. Def no more wine for her and really basic food.stop making her so welcome. I think you should really tell her she needs to contribute. She's sponging off you.

Its pointless to build up a simmering resentment or risk a massive blow up row rather than talking it over calmly now. Currently, the maternity leave and new baby provide a reasonable excuse, not that you need one.

Your DH is the problem. This is a difficult situation.and would drive me mad too! I hope you can sort it with him and MIL cuz it'd be driving me up the wall too.

Loads of good advice on how to handle the important parts of the problem already so I'll just focus on the food/wheat issue.

With the budget in mind, and agreeing with the idea that she should be able to sort herself with breakfast and lunch, but bearing in mind you want something to offer her, wheat free cheap alternatives could be rice crispies and uncle bens rice. Both can stay in the cupboard for ages. She could sauté a bit of veg to go with the rice. Maybe some kallo stock cubes to give the rice n veg more oomph.

That's a point op, don't be so "desperate to impress" that you change all plans etc for her. If she is arriving and you are out don't Rush home, if you need to go somewhere go, no explanations or excuses. Simple politeness will do. But this may rebound if DH decides she needs a key. I feel for you, awful situation

Thanks everyone. I know I need to instigate some boundaries, but not sure where to draw them, as I've never come across anyone like her before (who has no concept when she's outstayed her welcome). I've tried stipulating that she needs to give a weeks notice, but I just get calls from DH saying would I mind making an exception 'this one time', and I feel like a dick saying I would.

We now officially have no room for her as the baby is in her own room as of last week - but she slept on the pull out sofa last night.

She even used my toothbrush last time she stayed. Can you believe it?

I fluctuate between telling myself it's not a big deal and then getting really angry and thinking separation from DH is the only way to get rid. He can shack up in a flat together with her and they can live happily ever after.

Does she call and ask if it's ok to stay at your home or dies she just turn up?

I refuses to have anyone sleep in my home other than the odd sleepover for the kids. I hate people in my personal space.

*does FFs.

Why on earth would you think you would have a similar cultural outlook to a South African? You had a taster of what things would be like early on but as often is the case, you ignored the signs, possibly thinking love would conquer all. Well, I wish you the best, but with many cultures it is absolutely normal to treat your adult child's home as your own. Not to the extent of rummaging through drawers in the bedrooms but certainly to the extent of turning up pretty much when you like and being at home in the 'public' rooms.

Nevertheless, I would make it clear than money is very tight and so you can only provide a limited range of foods. You should also encourage her to make her own breakfast and lunch, as long as she is reasonable with portion sizes. But I think you'll have a job to stop her coming. He only has one mother but he can (serially) have any number of wives or partners and if push comes to shove he may not make the decisions you think he should.

YANBU. Go to relationship counselling with your DH so the two of you can talk about boundaries with MIL and making sure history doesn't repeat itself. Your DH clearly hasn't learned from his previous relationship ending because of it.

Honestly DH is the problem not MIL. If the two of you aren't a team and can't agree on the boundaries you set with her, she will always be a problem.

She used your toothbrush??? I would go totally nuts if anyone did that!

I agree stop doing stuff for her. Don't make her breakfast, tell her to help herself. I know you don't want to go out all the time when she's there but just get on with your day and ignore her.

your DH is the problem here. I have no idea how you should go about getting it resolved but I second pointing out to him what happened with his ex and ask him if you/your DC mean so little to him that he's happy for that to happen again. And make it clear that if he doesn't set boundaries (specified length of stay, contribution to the household etc), then she doesn't stay at all.

His mother, his problem.

Unicycle - I was trying to be clear that he wasn't from a dramatically different culture, like India, for example, which would put rather a different spin on things.

That aside - do you not think that considering he has moved to the UK and chosen to marry a British girl, that he should pay some heed to the way we do things here?

To your point about him only having one mother - it's true. If push came to shove I'm not confident I would win out and am contemplating bowing out gracefully

I think you need to be frank with her...

"dear mil, i actually cant afford to feed you this time, I know DH is proud and likes to paint a picture that we are OK but he doesn't realise that we are on a very tight budget and I cant do it anymore sorry. "

Your time here is also affecting my precious maternity leave so unless we can talk about and come to a mutal arrangement I am afraid you wont be able to stay any more.

op your enabling her and I bet she doesnt have one iota of understanding for your circs...and who can blame her if you and your DH are silent on the matter?

TELL HER

The toothbrush thing would make me go nuclear. Did she even ask??

Otherwise, I agree with keeping it very simple and treating her like a lodger, except definitely no key!! She can't come very often if she's sleeping in your lounge, but you'd need to get your DH to set that limit.

I've tried stipulating that she needs to give a weeks notice, but I just get calls from DH saying would I mind making an exception 'this one time', and I feel like a dick saying I would.

YOU HAVE stipulated, he has asked the question and you have caved in.

You do see your not helping yourself.

so what if you feel like a dick?

Your not being consistent and giving out the impression you will keel over to demands with gentle pressure. which is ...exaclty what your doing.

Its your time she is encroaching on and its you hosting her, i know a few men who di this...tell the wife to stop being so silly over their DM however who is hosting and with the beloved DM 99% of the time? the silly wife!!!

You do have to blame yourself here and take strength from that and change your behaviour, talk to her and next time he says can she come say no, yes I am a dick I am horrid and mean, but no is still NO>

It is far too soon to be contemplating "bowing out gracefully". I don't think I would start being confrontational until I had tried more subtle ways of reducing the irritation. Mainly, I would carry on with life as I normally would when she visits and see what happens. At worst you won't be so inconvenienced and annoyed. At best, she may take the hint and start to look after herself when she visits including buying her own food and wine.

He's from a culture where he sees a lot of his mum & you not so much, so ideally there'd be a compromise.

Except when she visits him he's at work & you have to put up with her.

Or she's not actually visiting him, just using your place when it's convenient to her.

How would he feel about your mum doing the same??

If she made an effort to be helpful & bring stuff that might be different.

If she sits on her arse expecting to be feed, watered (with what she wants) & waited on, that's a different matter.

Does he really think that you should skivvy for his mum?

Does he when he's there?

What about when you go back to work?

I don't understand some of the responses on here. MIL is taking the piss and DH is letting her. OP shouldn't have to put up with it. And subtle hints are NOT going to help! you need to have a serious conversation with DH and agree on ground rules that you both enforce. Including making a contribution to food etc.

Good points all, thanks. They mirror what I say to myself, but for some reason I just feel really rude and awkward going about my day around her - and when I know MIL hasn't eaten, for example. Right now - MIL is in the living room reading the paper and I am hiding in the bedroom with lo. Ridiculous.

After your MIL has left after this visit you need to sit down with your DH and explain that now you've had a few months with lo around, it is clear that some things need to change about MIL visits. Decide what you will compromise on...(maybe accepting she does come and arrives with very little notice), but establish some new ground rules that he must communicate to his mother.

It doesn't have to be confrontational. A polite request for her to pitch in financially and help herself at the house can be explained by your new circumstances...growing family etc...Or that you supply the groceries but she cooks for everyone at least once while she's there.

Get a routine going for yourself and Lo, like morning walks, a baby class or meeting other mums and stick to your plans when she's around.

Oh my goodness, this sounds like my worst nightmare! How on earth are you still sane?

I would honestly just tell her that it's not working out her staying so much.

She might throw a strop but are you really bothered. Not need to be rude, just assertive.

Please, please tell her!

My MIL is visiting for a few hours today and I've been dreading it for days, I can't imagine how I would get through if I thought she was staying even ONE night.

She used your toothbrush??

I don't understand some of the responses on here. MIL is taking the piss and DH is letting her. OP shouldn't have to put up with it. And subtle hints are NOT going to help! you need to have a serious conversation with DH and agree on ground rules that you both enforce. Including making a contribution to food etc.

How do you know that "hints" are not going to work? Anyway, I'm not really suggesting "hints". I'm just suggesting that OP gets on with her life and stops putting herself out for her MIL when she visits. I personally don't start getting into arguments and enforcing rules until other methods haven't worked.

Am now in a text argument with DH as I messaged him and said I wasn't pleased about spending today with her. He's replied and said apparently she didn't tell him she was staying today either, what do I expect him to do about it and what would I do if I were him?

I'm tempted to confront MIL now but feel sick at the thought. I just want to say something along the lines of 'I didn't know you were staying today, could you let me know next time how long you are intending to stay'