To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

Could you stipulate that while you're working on your marriage you can't have house guests? Nobody with any sense of boundaries would think this was unreasonable.

Good luck, OP. I agree with others that the only change he is interested in would be to your attitude/submission.

Aw, diddums. He isn't getting enough sex so he is pouting that you don't fancy him.

He is following The Script but has thrown a few new points in.

I get you want to be a Big Girl and sort yourself out but you are doing a disservice to your daughter by staying until February. Christmas Day will be fun .

Your marriage is not working and there is no reason at all to stay. No custody reason, no financial reason, certainly no still love between you reason.

There was a scene on EastEnders today where a woman told the girlfriend who she had hit that she "got me so mad". Controlling, bullying, not taking responsibility behaviour and your husband is doing the same. It was your fault he had to tell you he could bat you away and no doubt you made him call you a cunt.

He is not the boss of you. He is not in charge of you. He is not better than you. You should not be with him another day and your daughter deserves better than two parents living together who can't stand each other.

Was your baby planned for the right reasons?

Castle, I have previously mentioned the lack of connection, the fact we aren't even 'friends' most of the time, the sex (although this is a touchy one).

May I go against the grain here and say that until you leave in Feb, you allow his mother to stay as much as she likes?

The fact is that when controlling and aggressive men sense that they are losing the very thing they want to control, their partners, they get worse. Her being there could be a good thing because it means that he is less likely to become physical with you if she is there or if she sees what he has done to you.

I am not saying he will physically assault you but he could, throwing things around is often the very start of what ends up being physical abuse, so its as well to protect yourself. Keep your phone on you at all times and if he raises his hand to you once, call the police.

You don't find him sexually attractive? Dear me, just fancy that

But seriously, agreed with everyone else - please log all this. the insults and the throwing things.

You and your daughter deserve so so much more than this and you have to think clever now - self-and-daughter protection. You are not bound to him and you don't have to be with him. Please, do log all of what's going on with doctor or police.

The packed bag was for effect?! He sounds like a manipulative prick.

You sound very smart and sensible OP.

Didn't take him long to trot out the 'anger management' card. All abusive men say this, as if somehow these words are magic and by saying they will seek help for their anger, you will climb back in your box and back the hell off while they deal with their issues. And they produce more issues as a result of their self exploration via anger management which also mean everything is still your fault.

Please phone women's aid - I am really worried about how fast your husband is cycling through the script.

Please tell your parents. I get what you are saying about not wanting to lose face, but to get DD out of this situation quickly, you are going to need help (even just your point about the difficulty of moving baby clobber). I would also be embarrassed to have to ask my DPs for help in such a situation, but I hope I would be sensible enough to recognise that they have more resources than I do.

If you aren't friends with your partner there is no point. DH are not at it every night but if we never did it again we would still be very happy together because we really like each other and are genuine friends.

Want more for yourself, please.

if you're going to continue with his mother constantly staying over, why don't you (now that you know your marriage is effectively over) let your husband be the one running round after her? only shop/cook/clean/entertain yourself and your dd, tell her point blank that she cannot shadow you when you go out, tell her straight that she has to provide her own meals,refuse to engage with her any more than you want to. Anytime she or your husband say anything about it just tell them calmly that she isn't your responsibility and it is her son who should be doing all that for her? This could be the best time for you to start asserting yourself...if at any point you feel threatened by either of them you call the police.

I can't imagine how hard this must all be, especially in the context of being a new mother and having a relatively tiny baby who still needs you so much. You must be beyond exhausted. I want you to know you can do whatever you choose. I was in a similar position in that we had a few months left on our rent and it made no financial sense or rather I didn't have the money to do anything but wait it out and then move separately. Men like this will not let it happen easily and my H was in utter denial. I moved into the spare bedroom and although kept up with housework etc I kept a firm line of 'we have to seperate' I was not working and was a sahm but I applied for child tax benefit, child benefit immediately which helped massively. All the bluster in the world does not mean he will not be responsible for child support and possibly spousal support. I also had do be very pragmatic about things, I have a 2 bedroom flat all 3 kids (oldest 10) share a room. Not ideal but that is how I was able to leave. I don't have parents in this country to go to but I would have in a heart beat. This is going to be very tough, reach out in RL. You have not failed this is not 'your mess' it is a mess but not your fault. All the very best and speak to someone soon xxx

And here we have another one using a different dictionary to mine. You see, when most people try to make each other happy, what they mean is that they do things that they hope will cause each other happiness. This jerk is trying to make you happy in the sense of telling you to be happy and expecting you to comply. He's told you to chill out and not mind about the constant intrusions (I'm still quivering with horror at the toothbrush thing, I mean why didn't she borrow her son's if she was desperate?), and yet here you are still minding. No wonder he's in a huff. Anyone would think you were a separate human being with your own brain or something.

If you're not ready to pack your bags, could you start talking to your parents that you are having problems? Maybe just go and visit them for a day or two pre planned? I think this is a lot to go through on your own. I know you have mumsnet but it really is not the same as a hug from someone who knows you well? You mentioned your friend, I would definitely confide everything in her if she is a good listener.

OP, I hope you're ok.

Just a bit worried after last night's escalation in his behaviour and his return to the house.

It would be great if you could just post an ok, even if you don't want to return to the thread.

OP posted (Sat 08-Nov-14 13:38:12) "I also desperately want to talk to my sister but she's in labour right this minute."

I expect she's visiting her sister now?

Hi All, I'm good, thanks so much for your concern.

Today was tense. I haven't left, I just can't at the moment. I was about to list all the logistical reasons why I can't (and there are many), but the nub of it probably is that I am not ready. I had a series of failed relationships before this marriage, and when I met DH we got married fairly quickly (after 2 years), and people raised their eyebrows at the speed at which everything developed. I'm not ready for everyone to know that it's gone wrong and that my marriage was a joke and a failure and have them think 'I knew it.' I'm not ready to sit across from everyone that I love and start explaining the mess that I've made and accepting the fact that I've brought a beautiful little girl into the world with a man who doesn't love me. I thought I would give her everything, and I've failed - just three months into her life - to give her a stable family environment to grow up in and a mummy and daddy that love each other and don't treat each other like shit.

I'm glad you're ok Junior, I hope your sister is ok too.

Please don't think your close friends and family are going to judge you. They will be shocked at what he has done, not at you. They will want to help and protect you.

If either of my DDs were going through what you're going through I would want them away from their DH and safe. I would also be insisting on logging the situation with the Police for their protection and so there is evidence for the courts. I wouldn't care a jot about what I had paid for a wedding.

I want to log with the police tomorrow when he is back at work. Does anyone know the following?

Can I do it over the phone or do I need to go into the station?

I don't want any action to be taken - just a log. Is this guaranteed and will it affect DH in any way i.e go on his record?

Will the police not think it's a bit of a waste of time? DH has not physically hurt me, and I'm sure he will not. It's just not in him. I know some posters thinks it's a possibility and I can see why, but he really is just very rude and disrespectful - not a wife beater. I want the log simply to ensure I don't get fucked over with him going for custody when we split.

Ps - my sister had a boy!

They are never a wife beater.....until they are.

Its best to get it logged just in case. Your GP might be an option, explain to her/him what the situation is and that you are concerned that his aggressive behaviour may escalate. They must record it, and it will be useful if you need legal aid to divorce, there has been an MNer in the last few days who couldnt get LA because her GP hadnt known about the abuse so couldnt sign the forms.

I think I'd phone 101 to ask what to do and how to get it logged. it may not be a wife-beating scenario, but best to get in on file.

I'm amazed at your preious post - 2 years courting is not 'speedy'! Who the hell raises their eyebrows at someone else's engagement/marriage? Have they dropped from the Victorian age?

OP - you hae not failed your daughter in any way - it is perfectly possible to bring a child into the world surrounded by love and respect even if the parents are not married or together. Please, stop thinking and worrying about what others think of your and your actions; your life is nothing to do with anyone else.

Congrats to your sister!

It is not your fault and it is not your shame. Obviously nobody sets out to marry an abuser, and yet sadly many do. It's because the buggers are really good at pretending to be everything you want them to be at the outset. Nobody has the word "abuser" tattooed on their forehead.

I think you need to get over your pride.