To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

The problem is I don't know specifically what boundaries I want to enforce
i think you answered this yourself at the beginning with I'm resentful about her generally being in the flat and disrupting my life

So how are you going to put an end to her being in your flat and causing disruption in your life? You want your own personal space back. You want to be able to feel comfortable in your own home, you want you and your home to be treated with respect- it is NOT a doss pad. You want the time and space to enjoy family life in your own home and you cannot do that with someone else living there - which she kind of is.

He's replied and said....what do I expect him to do about it and what would I do if I were him?

well, i would suggest the best way is to put an end to her staying over. tell her she has to find elsewhere (a bnb?) to stay for any work related business in london. When your dh objects (remember she cannot object as she has no rights over your home just because her son lives there) just calmly point out that she doesn't HAVE to take on jobs so far away from her own home and if she does then SHE is responsible for herself. This is the simplist, ONLY way in my opinion, because even if you manage to get her to start paying her way in your house the fact is she will STILL be in your flat and causing a disruption to your day to day life. Tell him THIS is what you expect him to do and it IS what you are going to do - his option is to either tell his mother himself or you will.

When you have that conversation, just say that you want your home back (it is not big enough for regular overnight guests) and you want to establish your own family routine. You already know that she will use the pretext of 'just visiting' so make it clear that she is welcome to come and visit but that she has to give you notice, this way you can control how often she stays over when visiting her son and grandchild and for how long. When you do come to that, she will/might constantly ask to stay over but stick to your guns and only with what YOU feel comfortable with.

tell your husband that either he takes on board what the counsellor advised him or the marriage is over and he and his mummy can move in together. You're afraid that he will choose his mother over you - in which case you need to find the courage to face that possibility and find out the truth sooner rather than later. If he is the kind of man that won't put his wife and child first then he's not man enough for you OP and he's no good for you.

Finding the courage to be assertive can be tough but you just need to find the fire in you that will fuel it - like imagining spending the rest of your life living with the situation as it currently is - well at least until she retires at which point she will have even more time to 'visit' you...until she is 'too old and ill' to live alone or visit and your dh decides that it would be best for her move in officially!

the insect comment? i'd not forget nor forgive that. ever.

he needs to go home to his dm. they sound perfect for one another.

what a total prick he is.

It culminated with him saying he would 'flick me away like an insect.' I told him I was done and that I wanted him out.

Jesus.

I hope you're ok.

You're right, this can't be swept under the carpet and it can't be forgotten either.

If you wish to continue with this relationship at all, he has to apologise like all hell for that comment and for calling you selfish and to choose you over his mother and over everythign else from now on, always.

If he won't do that, please look after yourself and the baby because you deserve much, much, much better.

To be honest I would not stay in this relationship as I think this man has zero respect for you.
However, if you do decide to give him another chance please don't then it has to be on your terms. He has to tell MIL that since you have DC she is no longer able to stay at your flat.

No, she cannot stay on sofa bed whatever - she cannot stay.

If he won't do this then what hope is there?

i missed that 'flick me away' comment...what an utter bastard!

i'd kick him out and never take him back.

Junior, don't back down now. this is your make or break moment with your dh. If you don't let him weasel back without a completely frank discussion of what is happening in your relationship with him understanding why this is unacceptable for you, it will happen over and over again and you will be less likely to deal with it as time goes on - is this the life you want? Where you are always last in every situation.

why not tell him that YOU will flick HIM away like an insect if he doesn't start acting like an adult.

He repeatedly fucks up and is extremely rude, then crawls back, minimising and being all jokey and 'let's go back to normal now'. I'm a forgive and forget person, hence the reason we are still together, but he's gone too far and something has shifted in me. I am no angel either though and have said shitty things to him. His behaviour today really shocked me though. He doesn't respect me based on what I witnessed from him today, and I've never felt that from him before. The look on his face when he made the insect comment was almost worse than the words. I felt shaken afterwards whereas previously his words have just bounced off me. There's no way my dd will grow up witnessing him talking to me like that. If I was still working I would go and put a deposit down on a one bed flat tomorrow, but I'm on mat leave and only receiving 30% of my pay cheque. I'm trapped. I don't want to go back to work early and miss raising my dd- I will never get this time back with her. And wtf will my parents say if we separate? They shelled out so much money for our wedding. How do you know when it is really time to give up?

It's simply not worth staying in this relationship.

You've already got a fairly unique 'heads up' about what he would do when push came to shove - and it isn't 'grow up, be a proper husband and father and draw boundaries with his mother.'

And after tonight's performances, I think you can now add 'fucking nasty little shit' to his list of shortcomings.

Really, leave. What's perhaps worst is him turning up with a bottle and a 'hug' - this twat does not take this seriously, has not even taken it seriously when he's seen another partner walk away.

I don't even think he's necessarily mother-obsessed - simply unbelievably selfish, entitled and self- centred. Your opinions and wants simply don't matter. He won't change. If you want a happy life with an equal partner and a home you can call your own, realise your mistake and move on.

I would hope your parents would drop everything to be there with you and would be pleased to hear you tell them that you had no intention of staying in a relationship like that, or for their grandchild to grow up seeing their daughter being treated so badly.

Could you move in with your parents until the end of mat leave?

He certainly didn't think it was a big deal. After our exchange and I'd rejected his hug and told him to leave me alone, he just went and quaffed beer in the living room and laughed loudly at the TV for a couple of hours.

I can't move in with folks, they live quite a way away. My options are either to persuade him to move out (there's no way in hell he will do this), wait it out in the marriage til it's viable for me to scoot off, or go back to my job early and get some money coming in.

Go back to your job early.

Forget about wedding money - any parents worth their salt would pay it twenty times over to get you way from a man who made that insect comment to you. It's chilling.

Your DD will learn from an early age that you and, by extension, women in general must not be disrespected in that way.

There's no way my dd will grow up witnessing him talking to me like that.

He certainly didn't think it was a big deal.

Look, your parents might have shelled out for the wedding and they might be shocked, but this is your life .. .and your child's. They will adjust.

You're in a very difficult situation year but there's a lot of people here who know how to go about leaving in tricky circumstances. I really think you're better off without him. The stres sof being alone is going to be a LOT LOT less than the stress of living with husband-and-part-time-mother ... because she's going to be around encroaching on you a lot too, isn't she? It's not just you and him.

Can you even move back in with your parents and look for another job from there? Maybe a silly suggestion but just floating it ... Staying where you are is going to be hell.

He doesn't think you're worth anything.

Is it such a problem that they live a long way away?

If you're thinking you have to stay close by for his benefit - don't.

Your benefit is not something he considers important- as he has demonstrated.

It would at least give you real space from him, and tell him you mean business - drastic enough to maybe even get him to leave so that you'd return.

Sounds like you're still thinking from within the relationship - 'it's too far' is only a problem for him, yes? So not actually a problem.

Think of number one.

No, I just hate where my parents live, it's massively depressing. And I love the county I live in.

I will have to go back to work slightly early, which is a shame but maybe I can find a work from home position so I can be with dd. Just planning it makes me feel much better.

You poor thing, it is no way to live and especially as you won't forget what was said to you. Glad you are thinking ahead for the future and I'd confide in either your parents or a good friend what is happening. Too much to deal with on your own

Oh dear, have just skim read this thread. South Africans are very straight talking but they are not all as inconsiderate as this.

This situation is never going to improve unless you have your DH on side and I very much doubt that is going to happen.

I'm sorry but I would be planning on getting myself back to work and out of this situation. You are going to go around in circles otherwise. Remember, no one can tell you how you feel.

go back to your job early.

Otherwise you have no power. What your baby needs is an empowered mother - not a mother on maternity leave (both would be nice but your dh's behaviour has removed that option).

You need to get out of a situation where you are consistently put last in every situation - and that is what your dh is doing to you.

Read this last night, then thought later that, unless you are now set on separating, there is a conversation worth having with him.

Some people are habituated to seeing arguments as a sort of game they are trying to win. They will 'play nasty' as part of that, to get you to back down, then sweep it aside as 'just what people do in an argument' or as 'I can't help it, I feel threatened and lash out to protect myself' without thinking through the effect they are having on the other person.

You could, at a calm moment, remind him what he said and ask him to explain what he meant and why he said it. Tell him how you understood it and how it made you feel.

He may not fully understand that you took him seriously. Or, more importantly, probably, how very revealing he was about what he actually feels.

It is very clear that the problem here is your DH and his apparent lack of love, care and respect for you. The MIL issue could have been dealt with.

It just might be worth having the conversation with him, so he understands that and might possibly examine his own feelings before trying to get you back.

Beware of the sunk cost fallacy creeping in here OP.

I agree with PP that I would pay 20 times over whatever your parents spent on your wedding to help get my DD away from someone like this.

You have invested in him and the relationship but that is no excuse or reason to invest another 5/10/20 years of your life being disrespected when you could be far happier alone or with someone who actually likes you.

Can you see a solicitor just to get advice/ducks in a row? You don't have to act on it immediately but I think you will feel empowered by getting armed with knowledge.

Also, tell people in RL what is going on. You need the support.

I wouldn't be so sure you have to go back to work/leave the house. It depends on a lot of factors. Let your solicitor advise you.

Good luck

i cant believe you are considering going back to work early and giving up this precious time for these two arseholes!

as long as your 30% is covering what you need for now then try and enjoy every moment you have with your daughter as you have said you will never get this time back. life is short and before you know it you will be back at work! so enjoy the maternity leave you have.

in dealing with your mother your DP seems to be the biggest hurdle. it is good that he is apologetic but not so good that he brushes it under the table. this makes his behaviour seem acceptable to him.

have you tried counselling because this will just keep festering.

regarding your mother in law do you enjoy going out with your LO because if you can make your excuses and leave the house 80% of the time she is there. it sounds like she cant be on her own. well, let her be close to your DH and your SIL this doesnt mean she has to spend all her free time with you!

i get you about speaking directly with her and telling her to bring food etc. its a tricky one. Does your DH give you money for his mothers food? if not then ask him to start paying because you are living off your maternity.

if you are not around in the house she may get the hint. do it religiously and make it clear youre meeting friends so she cant come or you need the time out in the fresh air alone and really want to enjoy this free time on your maternity. all good plausible reasons to state why she cant come along!

change some of your behaviours but whatever you do dont bend over and lose the benefits of this very special and precious time with your LO. you will resent your DH for years to come over it

I got virtually no sleep but over night I started reconciling with the idea of moving out on my own. I'm not saying I definitely will, but one of the things preventing me making the right decision here is fear of being 'the single mum'. On reflection, I think I could do it, and in so many ways be better off. When I spend the day alone with my dd I always have a wonderful time. I friend said she saw me in the park last week with the baby strapped to me, beaming. When he comes home I just feel deflated - so how is he enriching my life? All I get from him is a slight feeling of satisfaction at gatherings with friends and family, that I have a husband. On the face of it, we look like a nice little family. But underneath it's toxic. I wouldn't be averse to working on it if I thought he could change, but I don't think he ever will.

Practically, I'm not going to go back to work while I'm still breastfeeding the baby every three hours and getting four hours sleep a night, so I've started communicating with him on a functional level, as we look after the baby together.

In a couple of months I will go back to work and I will have more options. In the meantime I will ask him to explore why he made those comments, and bring back the MIL issue again I suppose. So exhausted by it and don't know what I expect to gain from the conversation this time around that will be any different.

What's making this all muddy in my head is that arguably, I give as good as I get. From my perspective, when he's rude to me, I defend myself. From his perspective that makes us 'as bad as each other.' Maybe he's right and I have no basis to be sanctimonious and harbour thoughts of leaving him? Maybe I need to lead by example for a while (i.e not rise to the bait) and see if he follows suit? If he continues to be obnoxious at least I can say, categorically, that I was the better person.

Junior, I went through with a wedding I knew was a bad idea purely because I knew my parents had cashed in insurance policies and paid a fortune for the wedding. Years later, years after I finally got myself together and left him, I had a conversation with my parents about one of the reasons for going through with the wedding being their financial input. They both told me that they would happily have written off that sum of money, plus the same again if I had walked away from it all (in the car on the way to the ceremony, my dad actually offered to take me to the pub instead - I had thought he was joking, turns out he meant it!)

Thanks for all your responses btw, I am reading them all avidly and they are really helping me process everything.

Why don't you go and stay with your parents for a few days while you figure out what you want to do?

I really don't think they'd care about the money either, if you're unhappy.