To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

Why not say "I'd rather go alone, thanks" to the walk. Why not say "Ok, why don't you go get lunch and we'll see you back at the flat"?

She says she's hungry and you buy her food. Is this an example of how manipulative she is? I think you just need to be more assertive with her, as she may expect you to say "no" when you mean "no". I wouldn't be happy if my spouse bitched about my parent on a public forum, but if my spouse then SHOWED me the thread? I'd be livid.

Yes he also calls you selfish when you try to stick up for yourself. this is also worrying, and sounds manipulative and bullying.

I would be showering my dh with much love and amdinration if he was singly handedly supporting my difficult DF as you are supporting his mother.

Another, I think an assertiveness course would do me the world of good. I've never found it an issue before because have always been around respectful people, luckily, but I just don't feel like I have to tools to deal with this woman.

I'd give the health of my marriage about a 4/10, but that's a whole different thread...

DH has offered to come to counselling as I've suggested it before. Little good it did him with the last poor sod though.

She says she's hungry and you buy her food. Is this an example of how manipulative she is?

No its not its an example of how weak op is.

Op maybe its also a fear of offending but do you think its nice for your mil to have this smiling compliant side of you when your slaging her off on here and actually really resent her? Thats not actually very nice...so you have nothing to loose.

OK, you've had your sanity check - you are not being unreasonable, YOU are not the selfish one here, the other two members of this eternal triangle are the selfish ones.

Best to stay calm rather than exploding with anger at your DH - it's easy for him to paint you as the unreasonable one if you're red in the face ranting and raving.

Make a list of everything you do for her when she's here. Probably DH doesn't even notice half of it. Have a think about what sort of compromise would be acceptable to you - maybe for her only to stay when DH is home. Maybe for her to bring food and wine. Then, very calmly, tell him that these are your terms for having her to stay ever again. And if he doesn't agree, then he can spend as much time with her as he likes, because he's going to be moving in with her!

Try to find a way of being assertive rather than aggressive about it. And like the well known phrase goes, NO is a complete sentence. Don't try to justify yourself. Broken record technique.

"I've tried my best, but this situation is not working for me."

"No, that doesn't work for me. I need you to be here when she's here" (or whatever your conditions are.)

"You're so selfish." "I'm sorry you feel that way."

You're a bit of a fool for going into Waitrose with her. Simply wait outside if she says she's hungry, let her go in and buy her own lunch. It's really easy to come up with an excuse like that if you've got a 3mo in a buggy... you're pushing them around to get them to sleep/keep them asleep etc etc

Nothing is very likely to change if you don't also make some changes too. Your DH is clearly going to do nothing about it, so you need to change how you act.

I'd straight up say to her next time she arrives that you haven't got any food in and she'll need to get some supplies if she's going to be eating with you. I agree with others to give her some jobs to do like ironing or cooking.

because have always been around respectful people, luckily,

You are lucky I have always been surrounded by very strong personalities! It was sink or swim

Try to find a way of being assertive rather than aggressive about it. totally agree with this

This is an awful situation to be in and your dhs attitude is terrible. He has the balls to send you an email with hurtful accusations but doesn't have the balls to address the issue with his mother. If he loves both of you why are you the one who's expected to do all the giving, why can't he negotiate compromise, why is your happiness not important to him but his mothers is?

Family is important but there has to be boundaries. Using someone else's toothbrush is disgusting.

It can be hard to say to another, older, adult "no, this is what we are going to do".

Especially when their own son won't & you'll get grief from him for it.

I should imagine it's easy to get sucked into keeping the peace.

Until you then think, hang on, what about me, I'm bloody unhappy with this!

Perhaps when OP was working it was more tolerable in that MIL was there for an evening meal, OP went to work in the morning & didn't see much of her.

But now, she's there, contributing nothing, making OP feel uncomfortable in her own home!

Did - that is the case. Nevertheless, I know I need to buck up and start taking control. It's hard to gain perspective on what is and isn't reasonable when you have your DH in your ear telling you you are the one being a pain about things - hence why posting here has been hugely enlightening and ratified my feeling that I am being walked over.

You are waiting for your husband to deal with this but it isn't am issue for him so he won't. You need to take control. You have been given great advice but won't follow it.
Do not show this to your husband. Your mil went on a walk with you and you chose to buy her lunch. He won't see how that is such a mega problem.

it gets you off the sofa? He said this? Is that what he really thinks? Actually, don't bother answering that.

You know, in SA, it is a rare (white) household that doesnt have a maid/cleaner/help at the very least; probably a 'garden boy' and a 'pool boy' as well. I was amazed when I went there. Likewise, they were incredulous that I had to run a household, do a job and look after 3 dc without any help!

Heels, I will follow the advice. Im not letting her ambush me again, next time I get wind she is coming I will contact her directly and tell her how long she can stay and to bring provisions.
Something in the pit of my stomach tells me there will always be some kind of liberty taken though

She probably always will try to take some liberties but she is your DH's mother so you'll have to put up with the attempts to some extent. That doesn't mean you personally have to feed her or entertain her though.

OP - you also have a DP problem, not just a MIL problem.

But you need to say no a few times so it doesnt become a fait accompli, got job will stay!

You need to say no, that doesnt work for me, only then only then will she start to behave differently and start to respect you more!

I would send him an email titled Remember your ex wife?

It sounds like you need a frank discussion with your husband. Ask him if he wants to fail at another marraige for the same reasons, not respecting his wife.

It may be his culture to spend all this time with his family, but that is not what's happening here. You are expected to spend time with his family. He needs to see the difference. He needs to realise that he needs to be at least understanding of your situation, not calling you selfish. This kind of thing will build irreparable resentment in your marraige if it's not discussed and sorted out quickly.

In the mean time if you're finding it difficult to be assertive, next time she says she is hungry just say, why don't you pop into Waitrose and grab something to eat, I'm just going to pop in this shop with dd for a minute. I'll meet you back here in 5.

If she gets you to go in with her. When you are making your way to the checkout, say, I'm just popping to the toilet, I'll meet you at the doors.

Or don't take your purse with you when you go out with her.

You really need to have some compromised guidelines in place with your dh though before this becomes a dealbreaker.

I'm not letting her ambush me again. Next time... I will contact her directly and tell her how long she can stay and to bring provisions

Exellent idea, OP. Could you also make some plans that don't include her: lunch with a friend, a mother/baby club, a solitary walk. Tell her you have plans and go about your life.

Bon courage!

I would refuse her next visit, find any reason that works for you. You need assert control over your own home. Lay down a marker that, you not she decides when she can come to your home. Don't debate or reason with your DH because he will try to argue out of it. Just keep repeating "No, that doesn't work for me".

If you do decide to let her visit, carry on as if she wasn't there. Go out but don't tell her you are going, don't change what you eat or when you eat it.

You've been nice and hospitable....and she's taken the piss. Set some boundaries and bloody stick to them.

Also sit her down and say that the impromptu visits are not going to continue. You'll happily meet up if this suits but the open invitation for the all inclusive stay overs is now well and truly closed. If you don't do this, you're in for years of this behaviour. I'd even change the locks to stop the cheeky cow coming back.

And remind your DH of his priorities and why his last relationship ended.

Be strong, you can do it.

DH just came home and we had it out. I can't believe how horribly it escalated. It culminated with him saying he would 'flick me away like an insect.' I told him I was done and that I wanted him out. He's now gone out. Feel nothing at the moment.

His mother has just called me and I ignored it