To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

He is a slow learner! And mean! Well now he can just be a twosome with his mom.

Sweetheart you might want to think about getting this moved to relationships - huge amount of support available x

The mother call was irrelevant, she left a vm saying she's left her earring here.

God JM, he sounds awful! No respect, no thought for you and his dc! Fllick you away? like he did with the 1st wife.

He doesn't deserve you - he just wants someone to look after his crash pad for his mother. (What I said about 'help' at home - he is used to having a maid/housekeeper, not a partner, an equal.( This is nothing to do with him being SA BTW. He is an arse.

He has probably already told his mother. Ignore - she is not your problem.

OP I think some people have been harsh and critical of you. It is really hard to say to anyone you want them to leave, they have to buy their own food, etc etc.

I remember DH was away and PIL came to stay as my baby was a few months old. I remember two occasions when I wanted them to leave and they chose not to get the hint or see the cues that I wanted to be alone. Even when I said after doing X I want some time alone with my baby. We went out then she started making a meal.

Once they had to be told to go by DH when I got back from hospital having had a miscarriage and all I got was a numerous page letter about how we hadn't asked about a relative who had been in a bad accident (No knowledge of the accident) and how she could not celebrate her birthday for a long time since I had miscarried on her birthday. The following year there were birthday celebrations.

It is hard to speak up when people are hurting you, inconveniencing you, making your work load harder, etc.

PIL used to have a pad in London, rented it out but then expected to stay with DH and I whenever they were in town. When we had DC, this stopped as there simply wasn't enough space. Cue PIL 'turning up' at BIL and SIL's - a one bed conversion which required a walk through the bedroom to the bathroom. Drove SIL (their DIL) crazy. She got their keys back from them, and now EVERY time they moot staying, she has someone else already booked in. There is helping out family and then blatantly taking the piss. Your MIL is taking the piss.

She can have the earring back - and her son.

So angry on your behalf, op.

Just saw your latest post .

You are married to a bully. Obvious where he gets it from.

Did he go home to mummy when his last marriage ended?

How do I move the thread to relationships?

Report it yourself and ask for it to be moved

hope you're okay

I think that many people's responses have been completely over the top. The situation could have been handled without arguing and confrontation.

It is hard to tell people to leave your house. However, it's not hard to avoid buying them lunch when you are out for a walk.

I am sorry it's come to this but it doesn't sound like he sees you as equal to him or to his Mother. I think you are wise to tell him to get out so you can have some space to think.

He escalated to that straight away - perhaps he might realise that he and his dm are the common denominator in his relationship breakdowns!

This would bug me hugely.

The invasion, the inconvenience.

Get DH to speak to her.

I'm so sorry it's come to this. Or, more accurately, I'm so sorry that you're encumbered with such a failure of a man.

Definitely get this moved to relationships.

He sounds like a total bastard who has learned nothing from the counselling he had before.

I would lock the doors and text him telling him his stuff is in bin bags on the doorstep. He can go and live with his darling mummy then can't he?

I know you must be so shocked and hurting but he has shown you his true colours and you and your LO deserve far better than the absolute contempt he feels for you.

Are you safe?

I would get legal advice as soon as possible - he just isn't going to change is he?

So glad you have stood up to this bully he sounds dreadful.
Has he always been like this? Or did he do the classic now there is baby he thinks your trapped and can treat you like shit?

He would flick you away like an insect?

What an absolute bastard.

Junior he really is an arsewipe of the highest order.

Really, he is.

He is your husband ffs. Love/support etc is a two way street. He has made it clear where his priorities lie.

I'm so, so sorry you're going through this

You know what to do. Don't scurry around after her. Make it clear to your DH that she is HIS mother, you are heavily pregnant and can't be dealing with her, so HE can have the converstations about contribution/can do all of her catering.
My own in-laws expect to come over and bark orders at me (in the past my MIL's greeting once in my front door was TEA, no hello etc) but I had to learn how to just sit back and let my DH be their handlers. They're his parents!

I am astonished at how rude and uncaring your MIL is. When either my parents or PIL visit, they always both bring food with them and give (far too much) money for shopping to cover the extra for their stay. And they help out around the house and with the kids. That is why they come around in the first place!

When my kids are older, I wouldn't do anything less when visiting, because I love them! It's my job to make sure they are ok and happy, that's what normal parents do. How dare she let you pay for anything! How rude and obnoxious. Your husband is too if he can't see this. I really feel for you.

He'd flick you away like an insect?! Not a good role model to children and not great husband material either -what a brick! He'd find his bags packed and door locked on his return. He can go and live with his mum since he clearly loves her more than his young family anyway. Knob.

Please don't take him back. He lost one relationship because of his mother and now he is willing to lose another. There is no point in trying to change your DH.

((hugs )) for you

He came back home with a bottle of wine and tried to hug me and sweep everything under the carpet. I've told him to leave me alone and gone to bed. My mind is swimming with everything. Going to sleep on it

The trouble with a whole lot of the suggestions on this thread is that they assume you are both playing by the same set of rules
and that you MIL would be soooo much nicer ...if only she could just catch on that she was causing problems....
but....she already knows
you wouldnt just drop in on someone uninvited
eat their food
cause them housework
and especially not if they had a young baby.....

she knows how she's behaving.....but she dosnt care!!!! because the benefits of her behaving this way so outweigh the problems for her....she's going to keep doing it... until the balance changes

so the question you need to ask yourself is......how can I change the balance ?
and the answer is probably how honest are you prepared to be? Its really the only way to take the power back in t his situation.

Consider the problems she is causing you
shopping
laundry
cleaning
money
tension with husband
unwanted trips out
unable to plan your life
extra cooking and so on...

and how many of those things can you give back to her ?
Simple practical things like
"Hi "mum" - I've no clean sheets so you'll have to fetch your own - thats no problem right?"
or
"Its your turn to shop and cook tonight what time will you have tea on the table?"
"its been lovely to see you and its such a shame but I dont want to do this again until march now" -Note: this level of cheek only matches - and does not exceed hers
or if your super pissed off
"You do know you are being a cheeky git dont you ? I dont have the time or the energy for visitors as you've completely outworn your welcome. So No you cant come and stay , not this time, not ever, not unless you are ASKED!"

long answer - but I've been through this (can you tell ) and you really do need to change the power balance