To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

If you're going to put your foot down then asking for notice when she is visiting and when she is leaving is not enough. What if she did give you plenty of notice? That wouldn't fix the fundamental problem of her visiting so often, hanging around all day, not contributing financially and helping out when she is around.

I would say to DH that this is the last time, that you will not have MIL in the house again until you invite her and can trust DH to back you up. If he needs something to say to her, he can say DC is waking up a lot in the night, you are both lacking sleep and can have no more house guests for the foreseeable future. Remind him what happened with his last DW and the counsellor and let him know you will not put up with being called selfish when you have allowed this situation to continue for so long. He clearly is not very family oriented if he will allow your family to be put under so much pressure by not backing you up on this issue.

A few months down the line and when you are ready, you can invite MIL for dinner and be very clear about the boundaries for her future visits.

Why can't you just go about your normal day? Leave her to it. Go out or do whatever you need to. Seriously just get on with your day. Nobody has suggested you be responsible for entertaining her. What is it you expect dh to do about today's situation?
You can't change her but you can change your reaction to her. Business as usual instead of pandering to her or hiding from her.you are a grown up.

Sounds like he's learned nothing from his previous experience.

well this is the most worrying thing and the fact he was open enough to go to counselling last time and has not taken it on board...this is the problem

She is not visiting, she is using your home as her crashpad/larder.

But your biggest problem is obviously your husband. If he was half the "family orientated person" he claims to be, this whole situation would never have arisen. You and DD are his family, and you are clearly not who he is orientated towards. Heis email is beyond the pale, and I would probably have gone nuclear at it. Of the three adults, you are the only one NOT being selfish. If it truly "upsets him that the people he loves don't get along" then he needs to get his finger out of his arse and MAKE IT HAPPEN. For starters he can tell his mother not to be such a freeloader and to show some fucking respect to his wife!

I find you saying " If push came to shove I'm not confident I would win out and am contemplating bowing out gracefully" quite heartbreaking . I think you need to make it quite clear to him that this is the future he could be facing if he doesn't start making changes. Whether he is capable of that, time will tell.

In the meantime, stop being so bloody British about facing up to this woman. Be clear with HER, to her face, that these no-notice visits must stop. That you know her son has raised this with her, but has obviously not made it absolutely clear to her that she is imposing on you and is frankly being rude and overbearing (and yes, use those exact words). Remind her that her son has already lost one wife, and that if it his situation (her landing herself on you all the time) continues it could well happen again, and is that what she wants for her son, for him to end up alone and unloved (she will no doubt say she will always love him, that's when you point out that falling under a bus aside, she will die a long time before him and he will be alone a long time. Yes, sounds a bit OTT but it sounds to me that this is the level of bluntness required to get through this woman's rhino skin and her son's.

The quickest, and only, way to sort this is simply to tell him that you're considering bailing, and will if he doesn't sort things

In it's simplistic form

She's not a guest. She's using this for work/practical reasons.

If this was a mate/colleague you would put up boundaries, like paying, agreed dates, times, entry, food, bills.

The terms have altered. You now have a family. Imo you need to think if you want it to work and if so how.

WhereYouLeftIt Fri 07-Nov-14 12:32:41

totally agree.

Okay - most South African's I know (and I know a few) are shall we say "outspoken". I can't imagine any of them standing for this crap! Oh and the accent, is fabulous for being a little bolshy in.

Tell MIL how you feel, that it is awkward her staying now the baby is getting bigger, and it will just get more awkward. That you have a tiny flat, and now baby has their own room there is not much room, and you are going to be increasingly busy.
Then tell her you are going out and to slam the door after her as she leaves.

Then when DH gets home, let him know that this cannot go on. That he is the one being selfish - and to cut the culture crap.

Maybe you need to get some SA friends to back you up. They can be lovely, but I can't imagine any of my friends putting up with this.

If you cannot get her to stop coming, I think you need to make the stays less and less pleasant. Bedding tucked away in your wardrobe, clean towels the same."Oh I thought you would bring some" Fish finger and cornflakes ( no wine) each time. Go out, turn off heating. Run out of teabags,coffee, and ask her to get a new toothbrush to replace the one she used (eergh).
Hate what she is watching on TV - turn over without asking - its Your home.
Call on some friends to be a little difficult and stay late so she is unable to set up the sofa bed. Just generally make her a lot less welcome. Blame it on your baby care.
Passive aggressive but not selfish at all!

History IS repeating itself and she IS a threat to your marriage. Your H is NOT being your best friend in this either.

I think you have reply back to his frankly ridiculous email and say:

"FINE. I will go and speak to her then, and we will sort this out between us.

I don't mind 1 night, with notice, but I will not have open ended agreements, coming empty handed and taking over MY space. I have given boundaries, you have passed this info on, and she is STILL riding roughshod over us both and as you are not here, I am the one taking it all. It stops NOW."

The Toothbrush thing is beyond disgusting. I think she is WAY more conscious of what she is doing than you know. There is selfish going on in your home and it ain't you.

the GOOD thing is that she is from SA, as you will be able to be AS blunt as you need to be.

Whereyouleftit had the correct approach.

The other option is that when she comes HE takes leave to entertain her... every single time,

So I eventually came out of the room and announced I was taking lo out for a walk. I noticed she'd tidied up the kitchen which placated me a little. Of course, she invited herself on the walk and I found it impossible to say no (what reason to give?) Then she said she was hungry twenty mins into the walk so we end up in Waitrose with me buying olive and feta sourdough bread and cheese and sundrenched tomatoes from the deli. Then we came back and ate and now she has fucked off to her job.

Briefly spoke to DH and hung up on him because I said I had yet again spent my time entertaining his mother and feeding her, and his response was 'at least it got you off the sofa'. Fucking furious.

I realise I just need to grow a pair and be direct next time, but I find it very very hard and am worried the pent up anger will make it come out much more hostile than intended.

Hissy, I thought the same thing. I don't mind her so much when he is there because he takes responsibility for her. So maybe I say she's only allowed when he is there too as my weekdays are too busy.

The problem is I don't know specifically what boundaries I want to enforce, I just feel generally like she is really overbearing and intrusive. I need to identify how to structure her visits so I don't feel like that.

How exactly did you "end up" going to Waitrose and buying your MIL lunch? Did she hold a gun to your head?

Of course, she invited herself on the walk and I found it impossible to say no (what reason to give?) Then she said she was hungry twenty mins into the walk so we end up in Waitrose with me buying olive and feta sourdough bread and cheese and sundrenched tomatoes from the deli. Then we came back and ate and now she has fucked off to her job.

Just say you want to be alone, and no, actually you'd prefer it if she didn't accompany you.

At the waitrose thing, say for her to go on in and buy what she wanted, you would wait outside while she does it.

You are not helping yourself at all here.

Even if you didn't feel the need to entertain her, OP, there's no reason why you should be either holed up in your bedroom or having to go out & about to get away from her.

It's your house!

If she was staying the night, getting up & going to work it might be more bearable.

But she has just gone to work at 2 in the afternoon??

WTF does she live that she can't get there for that time from her own place??

at least it got you off the sofa

What an appaling way to speak to you OP

It is also true, as a previous poster said, that she uses the job as an excuse to visit. Of course it's handy for her too, but I think she'd find another reason to come if the job didn't exist.

She has nothing going on in her own life. DH and his sister are her world.

OP, I feel for you, I really do - this situation would drive me bananas.

However, as a few wise posters have pointed out, you are responsible for at least some of this nonsense. FFS, grow a pair!

Did, hissy, whatever - agreed. I should have told her to get her own, but I caved. Again.

Strangely, I am quite assertive with others but somehow seem to find it so hard with MIL. She's very manipulative.

I am so tempted to send DH this link, but he will go nuts.

When she said she was hungry you should have said, lets go go home for lunch then and came home and got the fish fingers out. You are choosing to do what she wants all the time. You can make a different choicesstop letting her manipulate you, seriously.

Hmmm it sounds like you need to learn how to be assertive.

How is your marriage apart from the MIL issue? Not only does he take her side over yours (unacceptable in my view - as others as have said, you and your baby are his family!) he also calls you selfish when you try to stick up for yourself.

To be fair though text messages, emails and phone calls are not the best way to discuss things. Ideally you need a face to face discussion. And by the sound of things couples counselling would really help.

Have you considered counselling for yourself to help you be more assertive?

With respect ranting on Mumsnet and then going out to buy food for your MIL is not exactly helping you ;)

How exactly did you "end up" going to Waitrose and buying your MIL lunch? Did she hold a gun to your head?

exactly what I was thinking

Op in the nicest way I think you just need to learn to live with your situation, after all the advice you have been given, you have gone and repeated the cycle again.

I suspect you will never stand up to her, or even try and its not about your dh or what anyone else thinks, this is you - probably low self esteem and you choosing to walk with her, and then choosing to buy her lunch after all your complaints.

I suspect you need to view her differently and try and make the best of it.

Why on gods earth did you buy her lunch?

Oh and the SA thing? They have just as many manners over there as we do here, and jsut as many people who will totally ignore them. (My DP is south African, and would never dream of demanding a single thing of me in such a rude, selfish and demeaning way)