To feel resentful at MIL visits?

[JuniorMumber]

My MIL stays with us often (about two or three times a month) because she takes care jobs in London at short notice and she lives outside of London, so likes to come to us the night before so she can get up at a leisurely time the next day for the job.

She is always imprecise about how long she's coming ('a couple of days' can be up to a week) and she turns up empty handed every time and expects to be fed and given wine. She will contribute money when pressed, but she isn't forthcoming about it and I find it hugely awkward.

I'm sick of it. I'm on mat leave at the moment with my 3mo and she's here AGAIN. She was meant to be staying just last night, but turns out she will be here until 2pm, so I now have to scurry around thinking what to feed her for breakfast and lunch. I am on a really tight budget at the moment and feel like I should have nice food in for her. If I was on my own I'd have cereal and fish fingers, but she doesn't eat wheat and is really fussy about food.

I've had countless arguments with my husband about her descending on us. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't see what the issue is. AIBU?

I'm not surprised you're annoyed, she's invading your space & taking the piss financially. You and DH pay higher mortgage or rent to live in London while she has the advantage of cheaper accommodation but still gets premium payment for London jobs. At the same time she's saving a bomb because you're paying extra out for her food, heating & hot water..... No wonder she likes coming to stay!

Are you happy leaving her on her own with the baby? Next time she turns up at short notice, go out with DH and leave her with the baby & a takeaway menu. If she's hanging around in the day, give her DH's shirts to iron while you pop out for a bit with the baby. Tell her that DH is always raving about her cooking, so can she make dinner tonight. And certainly let her do things like make up her own bed & make her own breakfast. Don't get any wine in.

If she complains to DH tell him that she's there so often that you want her to feel part of the family rather than like a visitor in her son's home.

Alternatively suggest a new patio outside, then bury her under it.

What a shame she didn't say she was staying, but you've arranged to meet a friend for lunch. No she can't come because friend is upset & wants to talk about her impending divorce. Sorry, bye.

He's sent me an email entitled: 'selfish behaviour', saying I am selfish and it upsets him that the people he loves don't get along. He says he feels tension when she comes to stay and that he is a family orientated person.

You need to lay it on him straight. Stand up for yourself and your values. Be firm to his BS and don't take any nonsense. DH sounds like he's taken miles when he should have taken an inch. His email with that title is really immature and I would be tempted to respond to that with a few home truths and lessons.

Reminds me of Desperate Housewives when Gabriella couldn't get rid of her MIL. There are certain things only a wife can do and he needs to learn that.

Great, invite your mum,dad, sister, brother or cousin to stay for a couple of weeks. Or preferably all of them, one after another so there is no where for MIL to sleep. Another idea would be to take the baby & go & stay with one of them next time she turns up unannounced, as you'd already made plans.

tell him to get his fucking arse home and skivvy for his mother then as you aren't prepared to!

"family orientated person" I think you need to remind him that his family is now his wife and child, and he is about to lose them if he doesn't stop being such a dick.

So he gets everything his way, won't compromise, isn't even at home to deal with having a guest and yet labels you selfish. Buy the man a mirror.

Wow, I can't believe he sent you that e-mail!! If he was a "family orientated" person he would be putting his FAMILY first, ie you and your little one, not his mummy ffs. I'm so angry for you! Having a 3 month old is tough going and you don't need this stress.

By the way I totally relate to the way your relationship with MIL started, I was keen to get on with my PILs when me and DH first got together and very much let them walk all over me so they'd like me, fast forward 10 years and we now have a very tense relationship, we re-drew the boundaries after DD1 was born and it did not go down well. The difference is that my DH recognises that the needs of me and DDs come above his parents and has backed me up so stop me going insane with their behaviour.

I like *shelby's" approach. I would send him a short, polite e-mail back saying you are shocked and hurt at his lack of concern for his DW and if he will not deal with his mother then you will. Then invite a friend to stay for a few weeks as you need the emotional support you are clearly not getting from your DH, and point blank say there is no chance of MIL staying for now until things are resolved with DH.

Don't argue with MIL now, you'll just fuel DH's argument that you're being unreasonable, wait until she has gone this time and then make it clear that for now she cannot stay as it is causing serious problems with DH, and until it is resolved she is not welcome.

Time to get tough op!!

I get why this bugs you, truly. I've also had regular houseguests who used my house as a hotel.

I'm not sure why feet need to be put down or words said, though. You should feel able to carry on with your life as always. It's not up to you to have extra, or specific, foods and wine in. By all means share but if there's not enough or not the right food, well, MIL will just have to go out shopping. Similarly, why should you change your plans for the day?

No need to be rude or stop MIL coming to stay, but just reduce the impact on your life and do what you want to do.

My issue was feeling like I HAD to be a good hostess for DH's family - basic politeness and all that - but ultimately, if they're not coming to visit you but for their own reasons, then it's perfectly acceptable for them to feed and entertain themselves where necessary.

Your problems only start if this is not acceptable to MIL and/or DH for some reason. THEN you'll need to be saying some words!

ps although it would be easier, don't take yourself off to stay with family, as MIL will then be able to stay as much as she likes in your absense, and it'll cement DH and MIL as a unit whilst you're gone. It's YOUR home why should you be made to feel uncomfortable like this?!

Or show DH this thread. OP's DH, you are a twat. Start putting your DH and child first.

ilove i disagree, why shouldn't OP stop her from staying if it is not what she wants? I don't think it's just about MIL not fending for herself, it's the being treated like a hotel full stop.

Pre us having DC a relative of DH once got a job near our city (but wasn't moving here) and it was suggested by extended family that he live with us whilst working. Er, no thanks was my resonse. Relative is nice enough but why would I want a relative to move in with us as and when it suits them?! It's about personal space and boundaries, if OP is ok with an open door policy then fair enough and everyone wins, but she's not...

I'd be tempted to stay in the room now and not come out. Pretend to be asleep. If she knocks asking where lunch is, ignore or tell her to help herself.

Next time she turns up, have plans and go out.

Treat her presence as an inconsequential thing for you. Don't acknowledge her as anyone special at all.

I know it'll come across as rude and you'll feel uncomfortable doing it. But you already feel uncomfortable.

What Ilovespaint said basically. Reduce the impact this has on your life.
Can you not come out of the bedroom, bright and breezy, and say 'right lo and I are off out, make yourself at home. Would you pick up something for dinner on your way back from work?' and leave? I have my MIL to stay occasionally and she does require cooking for because her health isn't so good, but I get on with my life in the meantime.
Personally I don't think you can insist on a week's notice every time, but you can insist on a few day's notice. Plus, can you explain that money is tight?

I disagree, I think your in it now, this is your chance to stand up for yourself.

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

you have had enough.

it is possible to say difficult things but in a nice and pleasant way.

you feel sick at the thought of confronting her, but you are filled with toxic nasty feelings because your being walked over.

I think you need to tell MIL, now today, that because her visits are her dropping in sparodically to fit in with her work that you are not able to change your plans to spend time with her. You need to be direct about money/food. "I'm having x & y to eat today as that's all we've got and we can't afford to go food shopping yet so you will have to sort something out for yourself".

You don't need to be rude but you need to be honest with her - would you be comfortable telling your own family that you can't afford this or that?

OP shouldn't have to stay in her room to avoid an unwanted guest, though!

Why does he think that his mum has the right to just turn up & use your house at her convenience?

it's not really that they are close & she's visiting, is it?

Is that what he tells himself rather than admit that his mum walks all over him?

If she can get to the London jobs from her home then that's what she should be doing!

• dear dh it upsets me that you have lost one partner due to prioritising your mothers wants and now your willing to risk another, this is how I feel, its too much that she comes when she wants for how long she wants, she contributes nothing and crosses boundaries. I do not care if you thikn thats selfish or horrid, its how your partner/wife feels, and that should be valid to you.

to her " dear mil, i hope you dont mind but we need to chat about your visits and you staying here, I am afraid it not working for me, its too much I am a very private person and I need my space, never knowing when your coming for how long and with no contributions is making me very un happy and you dont want that do you?

you cant carry on as you are, and your DH and DMil are not going to change a very cosy carry, your in charge of your life just do it.

May I add your baby is so small and these moments are so precious I am afraid you will never ever forgive her or him for spoiling and tainting these precious moments when you realise how quickly they are gone. speaking from bitter experience

I feel your pain op. My pil arrive when the feel like despite dh areanging a suitable time. I plan to be out between school time and when they are supposed to come. I have recently stopping doing them dinner as they always expect it, despite the circumstances ie when I had a newborn. I have recently taken a stand. Dcx gaves mcdonalds.

There is nothing wrong with telling MIL "I'm upset & embarassed that we've got no food in and can't afford to buy more. My plans plans for the day were x and I felt I can do that. How can we make your visits work for both of us?" If you say nicely that things need to change and she gets offended that is her problem. She will always be your MIL and you can either make it work with having boundaries in place or you can let it slowly erode your marriage.

Your already miserable, you can even explain "I'm not used to this kind of visit, I'm finding it very difficult - I need you to compromise by doing x & y so I can enjoy (!) your visits"

You have nothing to lose by speaking up, I'd be tempted to be emotional and tearful rather than angry!

Yikes I would have murdered her by now. If her job requires accommodation in your area then she should pay for it or realise that on balance she cannot afford that job. I think it sounds like an excuse to visit you anyway but she should just be a visitor, not an unofficial ligger/lodger. The fact that you are on a budget, living in a flat so she's in your face the whole time makes it even more unacceptable.

It's a bad sign that your DH didn't stand up to his mum previously. He needs to tell her she can't assume she can stay. Show him this thread if he doesn't get it. Her behaviour is really cheeky and goes well beyond acceptable family expectations.

Hi op

Every sat/Sunday night my mil and FIL would park their arses on my couch and sit bickering watching tv. They would turn up at tea time and expect to fed and share wine ect... I had to listen to their out dated baby advice, watch them try and talk loudly so dd would wake up so she could come down and play with them. She would get massively over tired then they would piss off leaving me with a manic toddler and no

You really do need to speak up to them both

You really need to bite the bullet with them. I know what it feels like to be suffocated and having to keep your mouth shut for the sake of someone else repeatedly.

I'm four years in and just finding my voice - I really wish I'd spoken up earlier. Mil by the way won't give a shiny shit how you feel, she probably already knows.

The quickest, and only, way to sort this is simply to tell him that you're considering bailing, and will if he doesn't sort things.

You no longer want her to use your house as cheap lodging for work. No more. There's no room, as children get bigger it will get more difficult, and You Don't Want It.

If he can't do that - split. Really. Because it won't get sorted, and will get worse. So, mad as it sounds, you really might as well separate now before your DD is any older.

Sounds like he's learned nothing from his previous experience. Oh and no, he isn't a 'family man' - because his nuclear family is you and DD, and you're probably not going to be around much longer at this rate. Guess he means 'family' = mummy dearest. Fine, he can go live with her!