Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

It's my wedding night. I'm all alone.

479 replies

IsThisReallyHappening · 04/11/2014 21:03

Today I got married.

This afternoon we arrived at our hotel to stay the night.

On arrival I checked my facebook to see some congratulation messages.

One message was not quite what I was expecting.

My 'husband' cheated on me 8 weeks ago.

I'm now sat here alone. On my wedding night. My 'husband' is gone.

I'm pregnant too.

I already have a child with him.

What the actual fuck has just happened to my life?

I feel trapped.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/11/2014 13:54

Is there one person, just one, that you can tell in rl? Someone who can serve as a buffer and a sounding board for you.

Remember that, hard as it seems to believe, YOU are in the position of power, not him. YOU get to decide about the marriage, YOU get to decide about the baby. Not him. Never him. And he can take nothing from you that you don't want him to have.

Ignore your dad. He doesn't know (or need to know) what's going on. Right now he isn't important, you are.

If I may make a suggestion? Your nonHusband (nH) needs to go for now. You need to ask him to leave, even if it's only for a few days. It will be easier to function and think with him gone. Your son only needs to know you've had a spat & are cooling off if you don't want him to know the truth. Your nH deserves nothing from you so if he has to sleep on a park bench for a few nights, so be it! Right now you need a measure of peace and quiet and you won't have that as long as he's there.

You have done nothing to deserve this. And he deserves nothing from you.

izzybizzybuzzybees · 06/11/2014 14:00

detective I'm here for you. My story is similar although we never got to the wedding part. I had to cancel and I had to tell everyone what a bastard my ex was and is. You haven't done anything wrong. Please message or phone me. I'm here x

persepolis123 · 06/11/2014 14:11

det why would he get the children? Is that what he's threatening to do? x

Smilesandpiles · 06/11/2014 14:12

He won't be able to take the children off you so get that out of your head right now.

I've been trying to remember what my first week was like after "THAT" happened, but I can't remember much of it to be honest. You just plodded through it.

I still remember the feelings you are going through now though, very well. You feel like such an utter fool, embarrassed, drained, naked, bruised and the sadness, god that sadness, it felt as though it would never go away. Add to that mix a burst of anger and you are left feeling like a total mess. You want to cry, scream, shout, physically hurt someone or something but really you can't even face getting up from the chair you are sitting in.

The first three weeks or so are a blur and I wish I could remember everything more clearly so I could help you, but I can't. I was in Robot mode. Most things were done automatically - like everything was surreal, you're living like you do in dreams, that feeling that nothing is quite real. It's a strange one.

I think I must have spent at least a week in total just sat in the kitchen with the Ipod in, desperatly dreaming of a situation where this wasn't happening.

OP, these first few days are the worst, more so than the day it all falls apart. Be prepared for this to last a couple more days yet and then you'll get angry more than you are sad, and then something happens within you. Something snaps and it dawns on you that no fucker will ever do this to you or the kids again and THAT'S when you get moving. Try and rest, easier said than done as I doubt you're sleeping but you need to just sit if you can. Mentally you are everywhere, emotionally you are drained and it won't be long until you want to cry, but theres nothing to cry out...

Tell your son, he needs to know. He'll know something is desperately wrong anyway, tell him the truth. He'll be hurting too but he'll need to know why more than he will getting comfort and not knowing what's set it all off, he'll be blaming himself at some point.

Tell your dad and as many people as you can. You'll be repeating this story for a long time to come. Let as many people know as possible and get it out the way now. Don't leave it so when you are going about your normalish business and then you've got to explain it all AGAIN, you'll be right back at square one because it'll hit you like a ton of bricks.

Stop pretending everything is alright with everyone. You know it's not, they know it's not, some will want to know the gossip and other will want to helpo but are frightened to mention anything in case they upset you.

Talk. Talk about this as much as you, even you will get sick of talking about it but there'll still be a need to talk about. You are trying to sort it out in your head, to do this you need to talk and repeat, talk and repeat as many times as is needed.

You are not trapped. It feels like it because everything is still such a mess around you. There are ways through this but you can't see it as you are hurting too much, you're still feeling betrayed, hurt, embarrsed, scared, sick, tired, drained, angry, sad, miffed and numb ALL at the same time. It's all still very very raw, but please believe me, you are not trapped.

I'm 4 years down the line from you are now, slightly different circumstances but still the same abandonment.

Smilesandpiles · 06/11/2014 14:14

Oh, and not only was I called a troll I was also accused of being a bad parent because I wasn't thinking about the kids apparentely. So ignore posters who say those things, they don't get it. Only those who have been through this will get it.

StuntNun · 06/11/2014 14:31

That's an inspiring post Smiles, I hope Detective can get some comfort from hearing your story.

mrstowers · 06/11/2014 14:52

How on earth are you meant to get your head straight whilst he's still in your house? It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. All that matters is the welfare of you and your dc. He needs to leave and move in with his mum whilst you get your head together. You need breathing space.

And remember - those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter!

Smilesandpiles · 06/11/2014 14:59

Mrstowers is right.

He needs to go to his mums so you have space away from him to think.

InfinitySeven · 06/11/2014 15:09

Please, Detective, tell him to fuck off out of your house and start telling people. It'll be such a weight... Honestly. One person at a time. It'll be okay. Let people know and help.

Tranquilitybaby · 06/11/2014 15:39

It must be so much harder dealing with all of this whilst A) nobody knows and you're having to keep up a front B) he's still in the house, chuck him out whilst you decide and C) whilst your hormones are all over the place.

You can't live this, tell someone, your dad, anyone, you need support. It's not going to go away, but trying to keep a lid on it will make you ill. Xx

YellowWellies · 06/11/2014 16:18

Just because you've not told anyone and because you're keeping up appearances doesn't make it any less real. He's done some awful things in the past and you've always forgiven him and let him stay, letting him get away with this would send an awful message. I know you need him from a childcare perspective but he can offer that without being with you.

Onethirdamidwife · 06/11/2014 17:34

How about counselling services through work?? Someone completely unbiased and outside who you can speak to about him, baby and anything else? They may be able to come from a different angle and help you have a bit of clarity and I would imagine you could get an appt very quickly!!!

I agree that he should not be in the house playing happy families with the kids - you don't have to pretend with your kids they will get you through this!!!

TheDetective · 06/11/2014 17:55

He's gone. He just left.

SunbathingCat · 06/11/2014 17:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheDetective · 06/11/2014 18:03

Somehow worse. It's really happened hasn't it? He's really done this to me.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 06/11/2014 18:09

Thank goodness he has gone.

The worst bit is over now - you can start to regroup and recover

Just to reiterate all the excellent posts above - please get some real life support

SunbathingCat · 06/11/2014 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lily311 · 06/11/2014 18:12

Oh det, I so wish I would still be in the uk! would be there at yours in no time. You can do this, one step at a time, xxx

BathshebaDarkstone · 06/11/2014 18:20

OFFS. What an absolute bastard. I'm sorry all I can think of to say is are you okay? FlowersFlowersFlowers

BastardGoDarkly · 06/11/2014 18:35

Oh love, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Have you told your ds yet?

What about his mum? You said she was someone you could talk to earlier, could you tell her do you think? I wish you had someone to lean on.

Flowers
TheDetective · 06/11/2014 18:55

I told a friend who turned up on my door with flowers and cards this afternoon. But she said she would be in touch tomorrow.

I've no one right now.

I haven't told DS1. Though he knows without me saying I suppose.

No plans have been made to talk. He asked to see DS2. I said no I can't agree when right now. How can I even think about that.

Tomorrow I should have my booking in. Instead I'm going to see the GP to get a termination. I fucking hate him.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 06/11/2014 19:06

This is is hard. I'm so sorry.

I wondered if he could see DS2 at his mum's? I only suggest it as it might give you some quiet time if DS1 is at school

Big hugs

SunbathingCat · 06/11/2014 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardGoDarkly · 06/11/2014 19:09

How far along are you Detective ? Are you sure you don't want to take a bit more time to think?

Obviously you need to do what's best for you and your family, and we will be there to hold your hand regardless,I just wonder about you making this decision right now?

IsThisReallyHappening · 06/11/2014 19:13

I'm 7 weeks.

I've just done the sums.

It's a done deal.

I can't afford a baby on my own. I will just about scrape by with the two I have.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread