Would you ever be able to forgive

[TheNewClassic]

a One night stand?

You should have asked him to go through his phone or done it in front of him??!! Really??!!

How about he should have asked you before he put his penis into another woman!! I cannot believe his nerve!!!

Oh, how nice for him that he feels better this morning :)

Idiot.

Sorry for 'upsetting you' Jesus wept. He has no idea does he and now he will think he can get away with it again, he can just stomp about, say sorry, brush it under the rug. Grrrr.

I'm sorry you don't have family you can go to.

Is there a friend you could go to for a couple of weeks while you look for something more permanent?

House share? Lodge? Rent?

You aren't stuck, not at all, all you need to do is decide where you will go.

I know rain beggars belief doesn't it. 'I can fuck someone else, but how dare you look at my phone'

I don't have friends in the area and as I have started a new job I need to be close to that. im guessing a flat share.
Yeah the audacity is ridiculous.

I have told his mum she said hes a fool but I should try give him another chance if hes said sorry and wont do it again.

you have to laugh!

He's more intent on indulging in his own emotions just as he did on the night he cheated. Spot the pattern anyone? It's all about him and fuck all about being sorry and supporting you and trying to make amends.

If I've ever hurt my DH it's been unintentional and I've bent over backwards to back up for it and been ashamed and remorseful as it hurts me to hurt him. Not much of that from your DH.

Of course his mum thinks he should have another chance - she's his mum

I can't improve on Castlemilk's brilliant post last night; it's not the immediate effects which get you, but the long haul of trying not to remember what he did and dying bit by bit inside - believe me I know

It took me far too long to realise it was over for good, OP; please don't make the same mistake I did

Well, she would say that, wouldn't she ?

"WELL, I said SORRY so now you should be OVER it!" Wanker!

If he can't understand your need to go through his phone, in private so you can be sure he didn't delete things first, then he's an idiot. As a posted before, all games are off if you're trying to prove you are trustworthy! One should be willing to let their partner look up their arse with a flashlight if that's what they need to feel safe.

But that's the destructiveness of infidelity. The wronged partners's soul gets destroyed from the cheating itself and the inability to trust again. The cheater's soul gets destroyed from guilt (hopefully they feel guilty) and having to live in an atmosphere of total distrust. Toxic all 'round.

Please accept this post as permission that you can have marriage and children without a sullen stroppy cheat who accuses you of being sneaky and devious.

You deserve better.

Oh this is terrible for you OP. He doesn't sound like he will put the work in to fix this, even if you did give him a chance.

The one thing I would say, as a veteran of ivf, you really don't want to be going through that with someone that you can't rely on 100%. It's a tough road and you need to be able to support each other completely. He doesn't sound like he would.

You have every chance of having the family you want with someone who won't treat you like this.

I have forgiven cheating in the past but slowly it ate away at me thinking I'd never trust them again ! Luckily that relationship is over and I'm in a relationship with someone who I don't believe would do that to me HOWEVER if he did it would be game over I wouldn't put myself through it again

What his mum says is irrelevant. My stbx was abusive to our children and his mum wanted me to give him another chance!

It sounds very much like he is blaming you for things being uncomfortable for him right now. In other words, "why the fuck can't you get over this, forgive me now, and get back to the way things were, so I can continue on as before?" What a prat.

HE doesn't get to decide if you forgive him or how long you are taking.

HE doesn't get to decide if you leave.

HE doesn't get to decide if he is going to father your children or marry you.

HE doesn't get to decide how long you will be upset over this.

But you see, he wants it to be all about him. He wants to call the shots now. He wants you to fall into line, forgive him and move on, because he doesn't like the inconvenience of you being angry, as it means he has to work harder to get what he wants out of you.

Honestly, at this point you don't have children and are not married to him. You can leave and not look back. Do it. Find someone who treats you with respect and will be a partner that you can respect in return.

It doesn't matter what your friends think - they think he's a mate, so of course they'll side with him, as otherwise it kind of throws the whole group dynamic off. That's normal for people to do that. His family is going to want you to give him another chance. After all, it's not THEM that's been cheated on.

If he cheats on you when the relationship is going well, what do you think he will do when the relationship is going through a rocky patch? Or when you're pregnant? Or after you've had a child or two?

You guys comments are giving me life but killing me at the same time

Oh this man is just unbelievable!

I'm so glad he feels better today . So basically he's said sorry and expects you to be over it. After all he said he'll marry you now. What more do you want?

Is he fucking joking?? Are you meant to be grateful? 'Oh I know I had sex with someone else, but I'll marry you'. The cheek of it!

He isn't sorry. He wants you to be over it as soon as possible so it can be forgotten.

Of course his mum was going to be on his side, however just remember it's your decision. Not hers, not your friends. You don't need a reason to leave him (although you obviously have a bloody great big one).

Don't try for babies with him, make a clean break and find someone who loves and cherishes you. I promise you they are out there and you deserve so much better than this.

You guys comments are giving me life but killing me at the same time

I completely understand, Classic - this isn't what you thought you'd signed up for, you didn't see it coming (no reason why you should) but it's you who's left to pick up the pieces while he sticks his bottom lip out

Just think how much worse it could have been, though; you might have been married to him for years with a couple of youngsters to think of, which would have been an ever bigger nightmare ...

Of course it hurts. The death of a dream hurts and hurts badly. All you can do now is take a deep breath and move forward to the future. Whether or not that contains him is up to you. But if you feel you want to give it another go, please insist on counseling for both of you. For as long as you (not he) thinks necessary. But listen carefully to the counselor and decide if they have your best interests at heart rather than just 'fixing the relationship'. And my advice would be not to continue with your plans for IVF until things are on a secure footing. Remember that having a child with someone ties you to them until the day one of you dies. If you were to have a child and he were to cheat again, you will have to see him for the rest of your life. Now, you can kick him to the kerb and never seen him again. You can't do that when a child is involved.

For now, don't listen to him, you don't have to 'get over' anything before you are ready to. Listen to yourself. Decide what YOU want and whether or not he will fit into YOUR plans on your terms. And do remember, there are other (trustworthy) fish in the sea!

OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you, but a few things stand out to me. Firstly, the fact that he had a ONS is despicable, but what's worse IMO is his response since. So he gets to decide when it gets swept under the carpet and he gets to decide that you forgive him? It seems like he gave himself permission to do this because he thought if you found out he'd be able to sweep it under the carpet.

BTW, it might only be a ONS, but it's not just one mistake on his part, it's a series of decisions he made that night which have got you to this position, all of which he could have avoided, if he'd wanted to. He gave himself permission to flirt with another woman. He gave himself permission to go back somewhere with her. He gave himself permission to kiss her. He gave himself permission to go to bed with her. He gave himself permission to put his cock in her. He gave himself permission not to tell you straight away. Do you see what I'm getting at? There were numerous chances for him to stop it, the fact is he didn't want to and he's probably only sorry because he's been found out.

Also, I doubt people are asking if he used a condom because of the risk of a pregnancy. You need to get an STI check, you shouldn't take his word for it that he used a condom, he's already lied to you.

It sounds like deep down you know this is over, you just need to give yourself time to come to terms with it. I think after what he's done, the least he can do is leave for a while to give you the space to think, even if it is his flat. If he's genuinely remorseful he would do this.

I hope you reach the right decision for you.

I've been cheated on twice with ONS occurring in my younger dating days.

One guy I did forgive- he came clean/ didn't get caught out in it; he was absolutely very sorry; he jumped through each and every hoop I put in front of him (that even included one day I called him that I wanted to talk to him and he turned up alone but quite convinced I'd arranged for him to get beaten up by my mates- I hadn't, but he still came); he talked anytime I asked for it on any details, no matter how repetative this must have got; I was very shouty/ unhappy and griefed him non-stop for quite some months- he didn't change his view that he was going to stick it out and take the justified lumps he deserved. No sullen sulky "aren't you done with this yet?". No whining. Just sorry that he caused the pain and doing all he could to fix it. That relationship was 3 years long, the ONS happened somewhere around 2 years. We got back the trust, it wasn't even all that awful if I'm honest and that was down to how much effort he put in to show by action and word that he was both sorry and how it wouldn't happen again.

One guy was not forgiven and the relationship ended because of it- he did come clean but wasn't that sorry and wanted me to "just get over it". No chance- dignity wouldn't allow that his action would be left as my problem to deal with.

I'm now married with a kid. If it was to happen with DH, it'll depend on him and his follow-up behaviour on how forgivable an event it turned out to be. The ONS itself it just part of the situation- the maturity of their reaction and where their focus goes will tell you the real measure of the man. Yours seems to be off whining and sulking about how tough this all is on him! Imagine how much help he'll be if he has to put himself out for kids or for you in future? Given your full story- 5 years and no kids but looking down the barrel of huge stress of IVF (his problem not yours from what you mention) I really think I'd walk away from this one. He's shown you just how selfish he is. He can't make any articulation on how he can fix the damage done and I can't see why you should be sinking effort in to fix his damage.

So sorry for you OP. I have just joined MN specifically to post as your plight really speaks to me.

I am on the other side of a similar situation, (10yr relationship , just when I got my devastating fertility news) and I just wanted to offer a few words of support...

I know that on top of the betrayal, you are now contemplating huge grief for the future you had planned and the family you hoped for so desperately. And to make matters worse, he forces you to be the one to walk away, to make it your decision. But like the general consensus, I agree that he is the one who has well and truly shat all over that.

What comes next is the hard part, but I want to give you some moral support in that regard... I know the concept giving up your life plans for a flatshare is seriously unappealing. But if that's what you decide, I'm telling you it can be done, and honestly, my two years in my post-split flatshare were the most fulfilling, fascinating and FUN years of my adult life. My only regret is how long it took me to leave.

I know when your fertility is at stake striking out alone does carry a terrifying risk,but like others have said, if the man you're depending on is capable of that behaviour, after everything you've been through already, he'll only ever disappoint you one way or another anyway.

And you're right, it's easy/tempting to remember the good stuff, but it's funny... when you move on you will begin to see all the little things that were wrong wrong wrong.

Anyway, I know my case is just anecdotal evidence, but for me, being free of a sulky, lying egotist gave my life a new zing. I had a ball, and the gods smiled on me and introduced me to the most wonderful man, and two amazing years later we are married and expecting. It CAN happen.

He may have let you down, but you don't have to let yourself down. Look to the future. There will be dark times, but try not to give in to hopelessness. Imagine how much brighter your life will be. I sincerely wish you all the happiness you deserve, and all the courage and strength to get there.

I also just don't think a baby will be a good idea as it is a real test of your relationship and it sounds like he's already failed one of the basic requirements for a relationship.

I wouldn't stay because it would turn me into an insecure, paranoid ,angry victim.

I would want a better life for myself

Many congratulations on your new baby JP you must be over the moon

How are you OP?