Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you ever be able to forgive

188 replies

TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 20:40

a One night stand?

OP posts:
PickledInAJar · 02/11/2014 21:03

I don't think it's ever an only, it's always a first.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 21:03

Are you married? living together? have DCs? been together long?

Bogeyface · 02/11/2014 21:03

I am in 2 minds.

On the one hand a ONS is (usually) a spur of the moment thing which shouldnt (in theory) be a threat to the relationship in the same way a protacted long term affair can be.

However......we all get drunk sometimes, and if he can do it once then he can do it again. And of course by taking him back you are giving him the message that he can do it with no consequences.

In your shoes I think I would say that you need to seperate for a while, you need to think about what you want and whether you can stay with him. He needs to think about whether he can be the committed faithful man you need him to be. If he cant then its best for you both that he finds someone who doesnt expect monogamy in a relationship, and for you to find someone who does.

Hmmm2014 · 02/11/2014 21:03

I did - before kids. 10 years later he had an affair and left me with DCs. Leopards and spots?

WineWineWine · 02/11/2014 21:04

Drunk is a red herring.
Generally no, but I would take all circumstances into consideration. If we had been going through a particularly bad patch then that might be a factor.

Catnuzzle · 02/11/2014 21:04

But he will do it again. And again. And again. Just make sure it's not you he's doing it to.

AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 21:04

no

I am sorry Thanks

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 02/11/2014 21:05

It's not a case of being able to stay with them, I wouldn't want to. Why on earth would I?

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:05

five years, live together no dcs.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:06

We generally have a really good relationship. waiting for an ivf appointment, have a holiday booked for January.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 21:06

When and how did you find out?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/11/2014 21:07

No.

It is honestly not worth the HUGE amount of effort, anxiety, stress and everything else to try to. It will never, ever, be the same, you will never feel 'safe & secure' - you will always feel 'not quite good enough' and no one deserves to feel like that.

Don't put yourself though it, it honesty isn't worth what you are left with
x

Bogeyface · 02/11/2014 21:07

The I was drunk has turned into he wont go out clubbing until I can trust again and when he does he wont drink to that point.

So basically he is putting it all on your door? For this to work he expects you to get the trust back? Trust that he wont do it again and trust that he wont drink to that level again? What is he doing to actually regain your trust? Saying "I wont go out then" is not addressing anything!

Hardly working hard is he? What about working out what motivated him to do it in the first place (Clue: I was drunk is not a reason, if he was so drunk he cant remember then he wouldnt be capable of sex much less remember doing it)?

AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 21:07

If all he can offer re. whether he can be trustworthy is that "he won't go clubbing" and "he won't drink so much" then how can it work ?

he never steps foot in a nightclub for the rest of his life and never drinks again ? You have to police his behaviour for the rest of your relationship ?

Think about it, love

he gave himself permission to fuck someone else. Drunk or not...there is no way back (IMO)

Cindereleanor · 02/11/2014 21:08

I think he needs to know you mean business. Ask him to leave while you decide whether you can ever trust him again and what he needs to do to begin/help that process. Then decide. If you do decide to take him back, do it on a 'one fuck up and you're fine for good' bssis. He will at least know you won't put up with it. Or you may realise you will never trust him again and there's no coming back from that really... Letting him straight off the hook sets a terrible precedent.

Sorry this had happened to youThanks

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:09

Looked through his phone and saw a message from a girl. Nothing dodgy but continued the convo with her and when he got home asked him and he came clean
I had a feeling as he had stayed out all night hence why was checking phone.

He said hes sorry blah and trying to be nice but im upset and angry that he would do this to me. He wants it to go back to normal. He made a mistake apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:10

I found out a week ago. I have been trying for a few days and not holding on to anger but I just don't know if I can do it.
you guys are alright hes got away with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:11

How does someone regain trust though?

OP posts:
PoundingTheStreets · 02/11/2014 21:11

I would not forgive, or at least I wouldn't forgive and remain in the relationship is probably more accurate. However, I have my own reasons for that based on my own world view and everyone is different. In some cases I think relationships can, and do, overcome infidelity and become stronger for it.

Overwhelmingly, however, the solution lies with the unfaithful partner really addressing the root cause of their behaviour. The answer is not being having their movements curtailed so that they don't face temptation. The point is that temptation is always all around is - it is the ability to resist temptation that matters.

There are lots of ways to 'affair-proof' your relationship. The most fundamental starting point is self-reflection. Your partner needs to look at his own inadequacies and insecurities - what it was about this drunken ONS that fed into those insecurities and urged his drunken mind to give himself permission?

The main thing is that he should be the one going through this process in a bid to regain your trust. If he's not doing that and simply doling out platitudes like "It didn't mean anything/it's you I love/I won't do it again/I'll do whatever you want@ - well I'm not surprised you don't have the trust back. The "I'll do what you want is a particular copout because it puts all the responsibility back on you to fix things.

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. Flowers

Somethingtodo · 02/11/2014 21:11

The only mistake he made was getting caught.

sunflower49 · 02/11/2014 21:11

Maybe.
It depends on a lot of other things.

The main one being whether he was full of remorse!

And are we otherwise good.

Bogeyface · 02/11/2014 21:12

He wants it to go back to normal.

Of course he does, he wants you to STFU and he wants to be able to carry on as normal and not be shown what a shit he is.

He made a mistake apparently.

Yep and it wasnt fucking someone else, it was getting caught. THAT is what he regrets, not the fact that he did it in the first place.

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:12

Thanks for all the flowers x

OP posts:
GallbladderFairy · 02/11/2014 21:12

If he was so drunk he wasn't able to control his actions then he wouldn't be able to perform. Ergo, he wasn't 'that' drunk. No excuse.

sunflower49 · 02/11/2014 21:13

RTFT now.

Wouldn't stay with this man.