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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you ever be able to forgive

188 replies

TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 20:40

a One night stand?

OP posts:
Pinkwillow · 03/11/2014 22:35

TheNewClassic,AnyFawker is right.

Chameleontes · 03/11/2014 22:42

Did he use contraception when he fucked this other woman, OP? Can he be sure that he hasn't got her pregnant? This is an horrific betrayal under any circumstances, but when you're battling infertility it's unspeakable. I could never forgive such a thing.

TheNewClassic · 03/11/2014 22:52

I know any fucker is right. .
He said he used a condom..I doubt she would be pregnant as he has a low sperm count but it would be the icing on a very shit cake if she was.

OP posts:
TheNewClassic · 03/11/2014 22:53

Hes now walking around the house sullen.

I guess the future step is the hardest.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 22:55

Sullen ? What right does he have to be sullen ?

I can't stand this man, and I've never met him.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 03/11/2014 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 03/11/2014 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 23:09

What a nob. Haw can you stand to be under the same roof as him, OP. If this was anybody else you'd have told him to go fuck himself.

Theorientcalf · 03/11/2014 23:10

He has no fucking right to be sullen!

FFS!

ChippingInAutumnLover · 03/11/2014 23:10

He is sullen.

He is upset.

He doesn't know what to do? (to get you to STFU)

He says you can have the marriage & kids you want (Oh how kind?? [Hmm])

He says he knows it will take time for you to forgive him (but you will, cos, well - he says so).

Get angry.

Get fucking angry.

He has shat all over your relationship and he wants you to just sweep it under the rug and forget about it, resume normal service.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Leave now, meet Mr Lovely, have kids, have a happy life. You deserve it, not this shit.
x

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 23:11

Like LaQ said, it's just not good enough. Nowhere near.

AnyFawker · 03/11/2014 23:14

I have never, ever said this before in this scenario and could never picture saying it again

OP, you have our permission to go and find a bloke with functional swimmers. You also have his permission, since he tossed your relationship down the shitter

Go

Castlemilk · 03/11/2014 23:15

Don't do this to yourself, OP.

For me, the question wouldn't be 'Could I forgive him?' Because, in a way, I certainly could. I can understand and rationalise someone failing, falling short of expectations, doing a bad thing. And I could feel sorry for them, and lose my anger.

But that's not what it's about. For me, the question would be - Do I want to be with someone who could cheat on me, who WOULD cheat on me? And the answer to that is No.

No matter how hard the split and how much I had to give up, I know that I could never feel truly happy again with someone who had done this to me. Every special moment would be tainted. Every intimacy. To be thinking - to grow afraid of thinking, every time we had sex - of what he did. To fear that, if we married, the thing I'd be thinking of as we stood at the altar was THAT, and I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye. To fear that the moment our child was born, and we should be bonded, tearful, gazing at our baby and holding hands, that it would flick into my mind and I'd think for a moment 'You don't deserve this, and a part of me hates you.' I know I could possibly forgive someone I loved, but I'd never forget, and it would eat me up, and kill our relationship. I don't want the kind of life of buried pain which would be living with someone who had shown me how disloyal they could be.

Some people say they got past it. You're a couple of weeks in, and you think you can't. You're probably absolutely right.

This is without even discussing his attitude to it - which stinks. It goes without saying that anyone worth trying to get past this to be with would be crying, devastated, willing to do anything, feeling terrible, fully understanding why you'd speak to him like shit - simply grateful you'd be willing to speak to him at all. Your man? Fundamentally selfish, stupid, and entitled. He doesn't sound worth being with without this, to be honest.

And... there's one more thing, that no-one has picked up on. You say that you have been together five years, a good relationship, about to start IVF. Biiiig commitment. And yet - it's his flat and you'd have to leave? Now how does that work then? Are you honestly saying that you are about to undergo IVF with a partner you live with and yet your setup is such that you are simply effectively a guest in his home, it's all in his name, and despite the commitment you're about to make in TTC, you have no security at all? Well. Not good.

None of it sounds good.

You don't say your age. I assume the fertility problems are on both sides, but - you could undergo IVF as a single person, if it came to that. Leaving him and this situation does not necessarily mean never having children. I appreciate it's not simple at all, but it does not mean that.

Theorientcalf · 04/11/2014 02:36

As usual Castlemilk has it spot on.

TheNewClassic · 04/11/2014 07:16

Thank you so much for the wise words ladies I am absorbing it all.
The sulleness was because I looked through his phone he said I was fucking sneaky! he was upset because he felt down and couldn't he have one day to feel sad because I said I don't think it will work.

yes no commitment , I am effectively a guest. Hes very selfish. cunt

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 04/11/2014 07:31

He doesn't get to be sullen because you looked through his phone. No. Ashamed, embarrassed, sorry, mortified at what he has done...yep, sullen, NO.

You are sneaky? You? Seriously? Just remind me who fucked someone else and lied about it?!

Oh it it was me he could have one day to feel sad. One day after another, after another... Self absorbed little fuck.

Yes, some couples can get past a ONS, but that's when the person who has had it is a mature adult, realises they are the only one to blame, will do any thing to prove themselves, can ask themselves why & be honest about it... Not sulk like a man child and call the person they have betrayed sneaky FFS.

There's just no way you'll ever be able to trust him, he wouldn't be the slightest bit understanding of that, he'd just blame you for not shutting the fuck up about it :(

All of this aside castlemilk is right! you would be mad to go into IVF etc with your living arrangements such as they are.

You owe yourself much more than staying with this prick. No, don't defend him, he is a prick! really he is.

DinnaeKnowShitFromClay · 04/11/2014 07:36

Christ kid, get out as soon as you can. From the outside you will actually see this situation and him for what it is. A bullet dodged!
Castlemilk is spot on. I can't speak for you but it would be ruined forever. That 'us against the world' thing and all our funny little personal ways we have. It would be like he screwed 'em into a ball and threw them in my face.

He can't have been that drunk to get it up and put a condom on properly so...he wasn't drunk, just a common or garden variety liar.

TheNewClassic · 04/11/2014 07:38

He said I should have asked him to go through the phone or done it front of him not behind his back. What a joke. He was sorry for a few days but is now bored of the situation it seems. so he will be moody until I give it in seems.
No the Ivf wouldn't happen now anyway.

I wish I had some family I could stay with but I guess I'm going to have to suck it up.

OP posts:
TheNewClassic · 04/11/2014 07:39

Thanks everyone for taking time out to support me x

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 04/11/2014 07:49

He was too drunk to think sensibly when he made the decision to cheat on you, yet he was sober enough to think sensibly when he made the decision to use a condom?

Something doesn't add up here OP. One of those statements must be a lie. I think it's the first one, what do you think?

Imeldainthemustardcoat · 04/11/2014 07:54

He is sulking because he isn't getting his own way
He will cheat again, he probably has cheated before...

Please, please move on from him, you can have everything you want
but evidently not with this guy, he is angry with you for snooping? WTAF?
he isn't in a position to be angry with you for anything. Please have a fresh start while you are young enough, don't have kids with a man you obviously can't trust sweetheart. Good luck x

JustSpeakSense · 04/11/2014 08:07

He doesn't sound very remorseful.

He sounds as if he is used to having what he wants and getting his own way.

He will cheat again.

If you don't leave him now you will be back on these bollards in a few years time....saying the same thing.

Theorientcalf · 04/11/2014 10:14

So the fact that he's cheated doesn't seem to bother him, but you looking through his phone is somehow the worst thing ever? Wtf?

You need to leave OP. He doesn't give a shit.

And it did cross my mind that he couldn't have been that inebriated, as he managed to think about and put on a condom.

You are not the one in the wrong here.

YvetteChauvire · 04/11/2014 10:26

Life can be crappy enough without any of this complication.

If you stay with this man he will ruin your life. He will ruin your future children's life.

He had a choice, he chose to have sex with a stranger. Evidently this was more important to him than your well-being, happiness and your future together. He really doesn't respect you or what you could have together. He will do it again.

It's easier said than done but you should leave him, this man will make you miserable. There is someone out there who will cherish you and love you as you deserve; don't forfeit that for this man.

TheNewClassic · 04/11/2014 12:01

He apologised this morning saying he felt down yesterday but feels better today Envy Envy Envy
text just now saying sorry for upsetting you.
too little I mean what can you say to that.

I need to think of my next move.

OP posts: