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Original poster

Would you ever be able to forgive

188 replies

TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 20:40

a One night stand?

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 22:08

Are your friends living your life ?

inlectorecumbit · 02/11/2014 22:09

That's exactly what he is hoping for......a bit of time and the episode is swept under the carpet...
For me it would be the case of you had it in you to cheat once-when our relationship was good -just what are you capable of doing if we hit a tough part.
No going back, life and relationships are hard enough without factoring the lack of trust into them.

Fairenuff · 02/11/2014 22:10

Staying with someone because you need somewhere to live or because your friends tell you to, is a really bad reason to stay. At the moment you need your space. What can you rent in your area?

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 22:10

No Sad
AF I name changed on a thread once and you said to me that you didn't like the sound of him. I can still remember that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 22:12

No I want to stay because I love him and I have had years of infertility and a miscarriage
finally getting somewhere with an ivf appointment Sad
just all the plans are out the window.

OP posts:
slightlyconfused85 · 02/11/2014 22:12

No. Never.

slightlyconfused85 · 02/11/2014 22:15

Just saw about the miscarriage and infertility. So sorry for your loss, but this isn't a reason to stay with him. Do you want a baby with someone you can't trust?

AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 22:15

I like the sound of him even less Sad

Sweetie, the pull of wanting a baby is very strong. But would you really want to bring a child into a relationship that is unlikely to last ?

He will leave you. When something "better" comes along. You know this, I think.

(btw, it wouldn't be "better", it would simply be different which is ll men like this are looking for....which is why he cheated when things were ok)

Momagain1 · 02/11/2014 22:22

I have heard it can be done, claimed by MNers. You could probably find them for support and advice, if you think you want to hear that.

I would like to think I could, or that I would be. We agreed when we met: Once is probably a symptom of something repairable. More than once is unredeemable self-indulgence.

baby2011and2012 · 02/11/2014 22:24

Long term/ short term relationship NO!!! I won't trust again!

Ledkr · 02/11/2014 22:29

I chose to end my 18 yr marriage.
I did think about staying together but I knew I'd always be thinking about it and wondering if I was pretty/thin/exciting enough for him.
I didn't like that thought so opted to go through the break up knowing I'd get over it and have a fun life rather thst worried one If have with him?

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 22:39

No hes made me see hes not what I envisaged for father of children or husband but I feel like ive lost my non existence children as well if that makes sense.

I feel ppl who forgive are the ones who get hurt when they get cheated on.

you cling to the hope that maybe there is hope and they can learn from the mistake which is why I started this thread hoping to hear some.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 22:43

what prompted your other revelations about him ?

he has shown other unacceptable/selfish behaviours then ?

the infideilty is really the tip of the iceberg or "just" an extension of the man he really is I expect Sad

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 22:48

we had ups and downs before we were official however including me not being honest about a few things but when we became official everything has been great. Then this.
I think maybe this is his character in terms of women so its just finding strength to make that change.

it will sound ridiculous but it feels more painful to leave then stay. I felt suicidal when I was looking for a flat to rent I didn't want to go.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 22:50

Nothing about your feelings is "ridiculous"

It may damage you to stay, but you need to come to that realisation in your own time

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 23:03

Time will tellSad Sad

OP posts:
YouAreMyRain · 02/11/2014 23:04

Imagine if you did get pregnant by him. How paranoid would you be about him cheating when you are eight months pregnant? Or breastfeeding? Can you ever trust him again?

If you forgive this, he WILL do it again.

He has treated you with contempt.

He has shown you that he is not suitable as the future father of your potential children.

I would never forgive this.

talbotinthesky · 02/11/2014 23:39

I think if you do really love him then give him another chance. Assuming he seems genuinely sorry. Alcohol really can make people do stupid things, not that it's a excuse of course.
All the best whatever you decide

Theorientcalf · 03/11/2014 02:59

No.

There is always a choice. He chose to sleep with someone else. He didn't have to. Being drunk has nothing to do with it.

Of course he wants things to go back to normal. It's easy to sweep it under the carpet now. Don't let him minimise what he's done OP! He's caused this. He needs to do all the work here. This isn't just a 'mistake'.

So he won't go clubbing again, or won't get that drunk again (not an excuse), but are you going to be wondering what he's going every time he goes out? He doesn't have to go clubbing to cheat.

He should be bloody grovelling OP, giving you space and time. He doesn't get to decide what happens. Neither do your friends. You need to find your anger OP, as at the minute he's mugging you off.

Theorientcalf · 03/11/2014 03:12

Also, being pregnant is a very vulnerable time. That's not even considering your emotions during IVF. Having a baby tests the very bones of your relationship OP. I'm not sure I'd be bringing a baby into this right now, it certainly won't fix anything.

MrsMarcJacobs · 03/11/2014 03:30

You are about to enter into IVF which is very stressful. And he throws this at you?! Really? I am outraged on your behalf. So he also gave her his number - why exactly, so he could decide in the morning to see if he wanted to be with her? Why didn't the words I have a girlfriend find their way out of his mouth the night before?

bberry · 03/11/2014 03:56

Pre marriage vows and children I think I "could" of forgiven a ONS but wouldn't of as I think the long term effect of being the "victim" of infidelity would have been too erosive to my feelings of self worth... I deserve far more than that and I don't particularly want a cheat and liar for a partner... I would have moved on, grieved for the partner and future I thought I had, but didn't, and then found someone new!

Now post marriage vows, I feel we have a special bond and it would be broken forever with a ONS or affair..

Now we have children I feel it would be an utter betrayal of our whole life... Although I can't imagine how hard it would be on the children...

So no, I would never forgive and stay

I realise that you are at a difficult time in your life but you need to say goodbye and grieve for the future you thought you had... You will find a better future...

Whilst at the same time I do believe that people can make mistakes and not repeat them, actions have consequences and he will need to learn not to repeat his mistakes with someone new, not you, IMO

??

winterland · 03/11/2014 04:06

Nope. It's just so disrespectful. Drun or not, he still made a series of decisions that showed he did not care, at all, about your feelings.

winterland · 03/11/2014 04:07

*drunk

Hairylegs47 · 03/11/2014 05:26

Is he the kind of father your children deserve?

I see that you are grieving for the future you thought you were going to have, I'm so sorry for you Flowers

I might be able to forgive a ONS, but the giving of his number to me says he wanted to continue his little bit on the side. Months of IVF and all that involves, would've driven him - in his eyes - to see her as more than a bit on the side. You've read other peoples accounts on MN, some people are just plain selfish and need to grow up.
I hope it all works out for you.

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