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Original poster

Would you ever be able to forgive

188 replies

TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 20:40

a One night stand?

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 02/11/2014 21:13

Absolutely not. Why accept this and settle in life when you can be with someone who would never hurt you like this?

heyday · 02/11/2014 21:13

I guess this is going to be a painful process that you will have to go through. It seems that you want to try to forgive, and in time you may well do just that, but the forgetting is quite often the hardest part. He has done something stupid and we all make mistakes and need and deserve forgiveness but the fact is that you might find that something in your relationship has now died and cannot be rekindled . This is a very painful time; betrayal from a loved one hurts like hell. Only time will tell you if you can continue in this relationship. Many people can and do get over this sort of thing but you are unique and only you can make this decision.

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:14

what is Rtft?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/11/2014 21:14

It's not the betrayed person's responsibility to learn to trust the cheat. It is the responsibility of the cheat to adequately demonstrate that they are trustworthy. And that takes honesty, openness, contrition & real and sustained effort over a long period of time.

Please find your anger.

NorksAreMessy · 02/11/2014 21:18

Nope.
Self esteem wouldn't let me.

sunflower49 · 02/11/2014 21:19

Sorry read the full thread .In theory, I could forgive an otherwise lovely man for making a massive mistake, learning from it and realising himself as responsible, improving as a result.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I'd just make him take me out for dinner, then say sorry and I'd be all fine again. I'd probably need us to be counselled, I'd need a lot of grovelling and a lot of time.

I couldn't forgive in this situation, from what you have said about his reactions. He isn't sorry enough for my liking.

YeahItsMe · 02/11/2014 21:23

Yes, not an emotional affiar though.

Depends on lots of things but I'd be more gutted if DH got close to another woman, spent time with her, chatted with her etc, than got pissed and had a ONS.

No real advice OP, only you know if you can get over this, just passing on my view.

sunflower49 · 02/11/2014 21:25

Me too yehitsme.

A drunken one off? Can possibly be just that-if the person is genuinely sorry, maybe.

A long-term emotional affair, one night stand or no one night stand, not a chance.

ImperialBlether · 02/11/2014 21:38

He didn't just sleep with her though, did he? He gave her his number. I can see that might be difficult for him once they'd spent the night together, but he could have given the wrong number, explained about you, blocked her... He didn't, did he? To me, that means he intended to continue with it.

OP, in my experience it eats you alive, this kind of thing. I found it impossible to get over.

I certainly wouldn't be planning a baby with someone where I'd just found that out.

FrauHelga · 02/11/2014 21:40

You need to go and get an STD check. Sorry. Thanks

firstposts · 02/11/2014 21:44

RTFT is read the full thread .. So sorry you are going through this. One of my friends has been in your shoes, she says they are genuinely happier now and have stayed together. However she seems to hold herself entirely responsible as she had been 'a terrible wife' for ages Blush I have tried to unpick this with her but its just her way of dealing with it. Don't go down that path.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 02/11/2014 21:52

No.
and they are being polite. F doesn't usually stand for 'full'.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/11/2014 21:53

I couldn't get past it, it would be a deal breaker for me.

I might be able to forgive him if I truly felt it was just a ONS and that he really regretted it. However, I would never be able to trust him again. No matter what he did to try to 'prove himself', any time he walked out that door alone, no matter what assurances he gave me, I'd still wonder if he was going to 'slip up' again. And I would never want to live like that, always wondering, always suspicious. It's poison to the souls of both partners. I'd rather live alone in peace than live with the niggling fear and doubt.

siblingrevelryagain · 02/11/2014 21:56

I tried to forgive (married 10 years, 3 young DC, found out at start of this year DH had an emotional affair with a colleague), we spent 6 months trying to get back to normal but ultimately it ate me up and I lost all love and respect for a person who could do that to the one person that he's supposed to do anything to protect.

In conversations with friends we've since debated whether it's worse to have sex or have an emotional connection. On reflection I think there is no 'better' one; equally shitty and devastating...

Only you know if you're actually willing and able to forgive, or just putting off the inevitable pain like I now know I was

I'm very sorry for your pain x

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 21:58

He said he told her the next day that je had a girlfriend and it was a mistake.
I have just spoken to him using what you guys have said in the thread.

he doesn't know how to rebuild trust just that it would take time.
He said him being drunk was the reason he did it but not an excuse and that it won't happen again.

It's hard when you seemingly have a good relationship and this happens. its easy to remember the good.
I can't tell him to go as it is his flat. I went the night I found out but came back to talk. the longer it goes on the easier it is to get back to normal iyswim.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 02/11/2014 22:01

Nope

AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 22:03

Of course, as the shock fades you can get back to the humdrum of daily life and this gets swept under the carpet

is this what you envisaged for yourself though ?

You can do better than this

fairylightsintheloft · 02/11/2014 22:04

everyone is different. I could move past a ONS with relative ease, but then I have long thought that traditional monogamy is an unrealistic disaster waiting to happen and that an awful lot of the hurt and distress displayed on this board could be mitigated if we were more able to "compartmentalise" sex and love a bit more...but that's just me and I know that that is not what the majority think. Ultimately, no-one else's experiences are relevant. He will NOT necessarily do it again, as some PPs seem so certain of. He might, but only you can judge that and decide what YOU can cope with. There is NO right answer here, nothing that you SHOULD do...don't feel you have to leave this relationship because that seems to be obvious step. If you think that they two of you have something worth salvaging, then work on it - but as others have said, he does need to be on board with this process beyond staying sober.

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 22:05

No its not what I envisaged. I am obviously weaker and more of a mug than I saw myself as.

OP posts:
Azquilith · 02/11/2014 22:05

No.

AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 22:06

It's within your power to turn that around, love

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 22:06

I think we have something worth salvaging but he clearly doesn't as was willing to risk it for a ONS. He could have come home and had sex with me.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 02/11/2014 22:07

Yes, he could. But he chose not to. There is your answer.

Original poster
TheNewClassic · 02/11/2014 22:07

I could leave. id have to find somewhere to live.
Friends are saying that he should get one more chance.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 02/11/2014 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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