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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to feel when your partner kisses someone else

177 replies

bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 10:53

DP went away with his friends and kissed a girl.
I am trying not to be too pissed off.

I know it isn't a big deal but at the same time I'm gutted.

How seriously do you take something like that?

:/

OP posts:
stressed39 · 29/10/2014 14:54

Sorry OP, but it wasn't just a snog.
There's much more to this than he is telling.

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 14:56

If it really was just a drunken one-off snog then I don't think it is worth ending a marriage over.

Maybe if it was a one-off, he didn't try to deny it and accepted 100% responsibility for cheating on you OP, you might stand a chance of trusting him again. But from what you have posted, he doesn't think it's a big deal and so will clearly do it again because he is one of those who thinks it's appropriate to snog others when already in a 'committed' relationship.

It all depends on whether you can live with this or not.

ineedabodytransplant · 29/10/2014 15:15

like many others it does really rankle when some posters tar all people, men and women, with the same brush.

And where morals are concerned it's usually the ones with 'loose' morals doing the tarring.

I'm a bloke and the industry I work in is very,very 'sociable'. With conferences, training courses and meetings across days so hotels etc. required. I was also married but never in that time did I feel the need to flirt with, or kiss, any of the women on these get-togethers. And even though I am on my own now I still know where to draw a line when it comes to decency. I can quite happily enjoy the company of women in a social setting but it isn't in my mindset to think that it's a preparation to snog them. I agree that you always get the man or woman who don't know when to stop, but not all women or men are the same. SL has her opinion which even though she isn't happy now was quick enough to have an affair with a married man(whether, as she says, the wife knew about it or not. Who knows?) so her views need to be taken in the context of her trying, and failing, to justify her loose morals.

And just in case it is used as a reason for my not snogging other women, I ain't that ugly even though my user name is what it is... Grin

stressed39 · 29/10/2014 15:24

Hoorah for decent men.
(there are some.... apparently Wink )

ineedabodytransplant · 29/10/2014 15:32

decent, but unfortunately not perfect Grin

SelfLoathing · 29/10/2014 15:57

now was quick enough to have an affair with a married man

"quick enough". LOL. You know nothing about the circumstances in which it began. Or what the cost has been to me personally. I'm not blasé about affairs or infidelity at all. But attacking me is irrelevant really because the issue on this thread is the OPs situation.

(and btw it is pretty rude to attack someone in the third person when I am right here!!!)

so her views need to be taken in the context of her trying, and failing, to justify her loose morals.

I'm not justifying anything. All I was saying was basically "a kiss is just a kiss" and "a kiss isn't sex". & I, personally, wouldn't end a monogamous LTR relationship over a drunken snog.

When you put it in the context of how common infidelity is (and of course I accept not all men cheat or have the opportunity to), a drunken snog that was confessed to is not the end of the world. It is unacceptable and not something that should be just overlooked. But to end a marriage over it is not what I would choose.

A separate issue here is whether in fact it was a one-off drunk snog but that is for the OP to decide.

It's just my opinion. Accept or reject as you wish. But there is no need to do so with personal attacks.

stressed39 · 29/10/2014 16:03

Then stop taking over OP's thread and going on about yourself.
This thread is NOT about you.

QuietTiger · 29/10/2014 16:07

I wouldn't be classing it as "not a big deal", I'd be going batshit crazy and DH would be scraping me off the ceiling!

Not acceptable AT ALL.

SelfLoathing · 29/10/2014 16:08

Then stop taking over OP's thread and going on about yourself

FFS. Was replying to a personal attack which is not unreasonable!!
& was trying to bring the thread back to the actual topic.

feelingmellow · 29/10/2014 16:21

How old is this 'girl'? Surely she's a woman?

Original poster
bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 16:50

Which girl?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 16:54

a drunken snog that was confessed to is not the end of the world. It is unacceptable and not something that should be just overlooked. But to end a marriage over it is not what I would choose

I think OP has made it very clear that this matters to her. She can't trust him now and she can tell that he doesn't respect her or even care enough to make try and make amends.

OP you do have choices. What do you want to do?

Original poster
bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 17:04

I want my husband.
I want to live with my family all the time.
I want to get past this without making him feel like shit like this doesn't matter.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 17:09

I don't think you can have that OP because he simply does think that 'shit like this doesn't matter'. Look at all the posts on this thread from people who think the same as him. They don't care. This is what those people are like and you can't change them.

All you can do is decide if you are prepared to have that in your life or not. If you want to be with him that badly, you will have to accept that he is likely to continue like this because he genuinely thinks it's ok Sad

Original poster
bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 17:16

Then can you have a relationship without trust? I can't see myself ever trusting him again.
what does that mean for us?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 17:19

No, you can't trust him ever again. It leaves you in a miserable, suspicious, relationship.

yougotafriend · 29/10/2014 17:19

I socialise in a group of 7 couples, I know for a fact 6 of the men have "cheated" whether that be EA,
drunken snogs or full blown affairs. I know of for a fact that 4 out of the 6 cheated on wives know and decided to forgive, I know for a fact 1 of them bitterly regrets her decision has struggled to get past it (amongst other issues) and the marriage is ending. How do I know so much about her? It's me!!

Taking that group as a sample of society, I'd say the majority of men would cheat if the opportunity presented itself, and the majority would expect to be forgiven if found out.

LilyPotter · 29/10/2014 19:28

But that group is not a sample of society! I could name you 7 couples close to us where 6 out of 7 men have not cheated on their wives. The one who did, left the marriage.

But I wouldn't for one moment suggest that that random sample could be extrapolated to society in general.

Original poster
bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 20:00

What does it actually matter?

People fucking cheat. People don't cheat. And the world keeps going on.

I am alone and I've fucking had it.
and I'm drunk.
and what does it fucking mattmp?

OP posts:
Original poster
bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 20:02

Honestly, I spend my whole fucking life working hard to get to half term and be happy with my family. And when that is gone what is the fucking point?

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 29/10/2014 20:13

((((bitpissedoff))))

Things always seem a million times worse at night/evening and especially if you've been drinking.

Feeling "what is the fucking point" is perfectly normal in your situation. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. There isn't much to be said right now of help -other than right now is not the time to be making decisions.

Hope it is a very expensive bottle of wine charged to your DH.

Original poster
bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 20:17

I just want someone to take me away and look after me :-(
I have had it.
I just want the day to end so I can go to sleep.
I fucking hate feeling so drama tic I am annoying myself

OP posts:
Original poster
bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 20:18

It's Jacob's fucking Creek

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 29/10/2014 20:22

Jacob has a good Creek! Enjoy getting stuck up his creek!

Your comment that you are "feeling dramatic" suggest you think you are over reacting. You aren't at all. How you feel and what you want is the most important thing here. But as I said, it will feel (marginally probably but still a margin is better than nothing) better in the morning.

I'd take a bit of a breather and space to have a think about how you feel and what you want to do.

Not long till bed time. Watch the Apprentice - shouting at Alan Sugar's trainee idiots will take your mind off it even if just briefly.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 29/10/2014 20:39

bitpissedoff can you go away for a few days when he is next off work? Tell him that you want to clear your head, that to you, it is a bigger deal than he wants to admit and he needs to help you. Maybe that would make him see your point of view. Have you asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned? Would he be able to forgive and forget so easily?

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