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Original poster

How to feel when your partner kisses someone else

177 replies

bitpissedoff · 29/10/2014 10:53

DP went away with his friends and kissed a girl.
I am trying not to be too pissed off.

I know it isn't a big deal but at the same time I'm gutted.

How seriously do you take something like that?

:/

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 29/10/2014 13:34

I have been repeatedly present when men I would put in the "good guy" category have seriously hit on women. It goes back to what I said about opportunity.

In that case the crux of your problem is you're not discriminating enough. What you define as 'good guy' is just an ordinary common or garden flirt. If you've been in a relationship with a serial cheat, the indication is that your expectations of men are fairly low.

JustAShopGirl · 29/10/2014 13:37

I used to work in an all male environment + me... I know exactly what they get up to on work trips - some will cheat some won't. Some will come close to the mark and back off because they know what they will lose. Some will lie and cheat and brazen their way through life. The number of times I heard "what the little lady don't know won't hurt her"...

You cannot predict who will and who won't - but you also cannot live your life thinking that someone you love will cheat if they get the chance.

I used to go on trips for 2 weeks at a time with up to 12 blokes - sometimes in hotels, sometimes sharing flats - I got "warned off" once by an insecure wife - she had reason to be insecure, but not about me.

I managed to never sleep with any of them ever...

Milchardo · 29/10/2014 13:43

I don't think about it as being just kissing... Kissing can be incredibly intimate. I don't think I'd be able to let something like that go, that's for sure.

Good luck with whatever you decide, OP.

JustAShopGirl · 29/10/2014 13:50

kissing CAN be just kissing though - a drunken snog with someone in a pub corridor is a bit different from meeting up with somebody, going for a meal and sharing an intimate kiss at the end of the evening..

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 29/10/2014 13:51

Grow up and get some standards
Now gather yourself together, twinks. I have all the standards I require. You just need to 'grow up' and see what is happening around you.

Twinklestein · 29/10/2014 13:53

I know perfectly well what's happening around me.

Apparently the standards you 'require' aren't very high...

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 13:55

kissing CAN be just kissing though - a drunken snog with someone in a pub corridor is a bit different from meeting up with somebody, going for a meal and sharing an intimate kiss at the end of the evening

Yes, there are different kinds of kissing. But which one would you tell your partner about? A good rule of thumb is to think to yourself, would I kiss someone like this if my partner were standing next to me. If not, it's probably cheating, unless you have previously agreed an open relationship.

patronisingbitchinthewardrobe · 29/10/2014 14:00

Apparently the standards you 'require' aren't very high
whatever they are, they'll be higher than yours...

LineRunner · 29/10/2014 14:08

If he was shifty when he got home, he cheated enough.

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 14:09

Is he one of those who doesn't count oral sex as cheating either OP?

TeeBee · 29/10/2014 14:10

I think patronising and self loathing are getting a hard time. I think that those with opposite experiences are actually those who can teach you the most, because they are looking at things from a different viewpoint from your own. I do think that many people, not just men, will cheat given the opportunity. That's not a man thing. I also think that it may stem from needing something that they don't have, whether that be excitement, illicitness, adoration, closeness, whatever. I also agree that people can be a little naive that it happens. However, I don't agree that it shouldn't spell the end of a LTR/marriage because surely it's up to the individual if they can stomach that their partner put their own needs ahead of their partnership.

Opportunities can reveal cracks in a relationship or someone's self-esteem. Whether you are happy to live with that is a matter for the person involved. Good luck with your decision OP. It seems as though you have good reason to lose trust in him. And totally agree that it is not your job to rebuild the trust, it's all his.

Twinklestein · 29/10/2014 14:14

Apparently not, patronising by your own account. Your degeneration into playground quacks is amusing nonetheless...

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 14:17

That's not a man thing. I also think that it may stem from needing something that they don't have, whether that be excitement, illicitness, adoration, closeness, whatever.

I agree Tee, I think cheating says more about how the person views their current relationship. Is it worth risking? Yes, obviously, or else they wouldn't risk it.

TeeBee · 29/10/2014 14:19

Totally agree Fairenuff, or about their own views about themselves.

SelfLoathing · 29/10/2014 14:27

I know perfectly well what's happening around me.

That's just silly. Affairs by their nature are clandestine. Men have a very very strong motivation to keep them secret. It's only when you get a glimpse into that world that you see how much it is going on.

How can you possibly say "most men I know aren't cheating"? You can't possibly know that. The best you could say is "I don't think they are". My response is based on my experiences is that it is far more common that a lot of women realise or are prepared to admit.

In my post above I was generalising really to keep it short and make a point but I could give you lots of examples of properly "secret" affairs I know about in circumstances that would probably surprise you.

For example, a good friend of mine, now married, had a long term affair (5 years) with her older boss who was "a good guy". He was vaunted at work as the man who had everything with a perfect marriage. He was very honest with my friend, said he loved his wife and children and had no plans to leave. Said he loved my friend too. I didn't work with them but was very close to a number of his colleagues and no one suspected the nature or depth of their affair. He was the kind of man who would re-arrange work meetings to go to the kids school play. He would get the grandparents to baby sit so he could take his wife to Paris for the weekend. This wasn't "guilty behaviour"; it was just how he was normally. Very occasionally people would joke about how well he and my friend got on. But no one had any idea at all. I only know because my friend confided in me.

This was about 5 or 6 years ago. He is still happily married; his wife has no idea and thinks she has a faithful husband. I suspect that this was a one-off for him and won't ever happen again. She will live her whole life in ignorance of this. As will her friends, family and his friends and family.
He is regarded as "a decent non-cheating" man.

This is just one example but I could give you many others where I've become aware of this type of situation. It's not particularly uncommon in my experience. Then you can add in the one off temptation work trip type experience. and men who are utter b8stards. and the incident rate rises.

MorrisZapp · 29/10/2014 14:28

I agree with SLs first post. Objectively speaking, I'd be very loathe to end a marriage over a drunken snog. I've had a few near misses over the years, always stopped short of crossing the line but in all honesty, one more gin and tonic might have seen me do something crass with somebody I absolutely do not love.

Im middle aged and these situations don't come up any more but I remember well how common they are. My friends all had similar experiences. By MN standards obviously we're all faithless jezebels who should be made to wear the letter A on our clothing.

But my normal mainstream standards I think it's normal.

Op of course has a lot to consider, given her husband's past form. But just one drunk snog is not enough reason for me personally to split my family and end my closest relationship.

frankbough · 29/10/2014 14:30

Cheats lack self esteem, I have a friend who has cheated on his wife half a dozen times, deep down he's just a little boy looking for attention, sad really, he's been doing it that long he has no idea on how to have a real relationship..
Self esteem comes from being happy with oneself and not relying on objects to boost ones ego..

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 14:33

Affairs by their nature are clandestine. Men have a very very strong motivation to keep them secret

Men again? Women too. Don't forget, for every cheating man there is a cheating woman. We are all capable of it. We just don't all choose it.

SelfLoathing · 29/10/2014 14:37

Men again? Women too. Don't forget,

Agree fairenuff but I was responding to Twinks exchange with patronisingbitch which began with:

Most men of my acquaintance haven't cheated

MorrisZapp · 29/10/2014 14:39

That's not true fairy. Many men (and women) will be cheating with somebody who is single. So for every cheating man, there may be a cheating woman, or a single woman.

Fairenuff · 29/10/2014 14:43

Many men (and women) will be cheating with somebody who is single. So for every cheating man, there may be a cheating woman, or a single woman.

If the other person knows that they are in a relationship they are colluding with keeping it a secret though, so they know they are part of the infidelity, even if they are single.

If they don't know, then yes, a single person isn't involved in any cheating.

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange · 29/10/2014 14:47

Sorry but in my eyes he might as well have shagged her. It's cheating and would end it for me.

ThisFenceIsComfy · 29/10/2014 14:48

Do you think if you want to discuss whether cheating is commonplace you should start you own thread?

I'm not sure if this is helping the OP anymore

WellnowImFucked · 29/10/2014 14:48

Dear Lord and they say FWR is where all the men haters hang out. . . .

Most men IME won't and don't cheat. They're intelligent enough to know how much it would hurt the person they love. And they're basically good people.

And no I don't live in a female only bubble, if anything I socialise more with men, and no I'm not a 'cool' wife either, just the way its happened at the minute.

What a depressing view to have of half the population.

I'm not naive either, been there felt the hurt, moved on. My Ex cheater because he was a cheater, I could have been his fantasy woman and he still would have done it because in his words 'it wasn't that big a deal and I didn't think you'd find out'.

And while I don't think having an affair/cheating = worst in the world, but I wouldn't think they were a good/nice person, because, well for one they're a liar.

Anyway off my soap box

bitpissedoff you sound so low, you're clearly unhappy, you have to ask yourself is this the life you want. He clearly doesn't see himself as doing something wrong. He pushed the boundaries the last time, as he knows getting texts from a possible OW was considered wrong by you why the hell would he think kissing isn't a big deal?

Suckitup · 29/10/2014 14:51

If it really was just a drunken one-off snog then I don't think it is worth ending a marriage over. The problem is it may well have been more than that but you may never know for sure.

He must have been acting really guilty for you to have picked up on it and challenged him. Which makes me suspect he did go further than a kiss.

And I find it very hard to believe that a random woman followed him.