How to feel when your partner kisses someone else

[bitpissedoff]

DP went away with his friends and kissed a girl.
I am trying not to be too pissed off.

I know it isn't a big deal but at the same time I'm gutted.

How seriously do you take something like that?


:/

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

Kissing has never been a fidelity issue. Everyone does it. On MN,usually, people are up in arms if anyone suggests otherwise. You'd normally be told you were insecure, insanely possessive etc. Why is it different today?

Anyway, the OP's bloke has form and probably wasn't just kissing. That's my gut instinct.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

Self-Loathing (stop loathing yourself, by the way), you're right, all men are capable of cheating and most men will.
The most respectable of men even. The nicest. The ones you'd trust.

[Madamecastafiore]

It would be the end of my marriage if this happened.

It is about complete lack of respect.

He would have crossed boundaries, both physical and mental.

[Fairenuff]

He left the table and went to the toilet. Apparently she followed him and then they kissed.

What a load of bollocks. Think about it OP, how does that happen, really? Just out minding your own business, pop to the loo and a random stranger stops you en route and kisses you. Yeah, riiiiiight

There is a lot more to this than he is telling you.

I would really like him to be on his knees crying because he's scared of losing me

Really? Ok, if that's what you want then you need to do more than fume about this. You should tell him to pack a bag and leave. Tell him you've had enough of his lies and you might just see him start to take you seriously.

SelfLoathing I have definitely been head over heels in love with someone and had a drunk snog with someone else that meant nothing

Unfortunately, whilst it meant nothing to you, your partner meant even less and that's more than a little sad isn't it

[ShesAnEasyWuffer]

patronising that may be your experience with men, or just your opinion, but just because you say it as a fact doesn't mean it's true.

[LadyLuck10]

Self loathing , you really should be the last person to give advice on this situation.

[QuintsTombWithAWiew]

It is not up to you to rebuild trust. It is for him to do. And preferably from the comfort of his mum/dads/friends couch.

[Annarose2014]

patronisingbitch (appropriate username btw), how sad that not everyone can be as incredibly cool as you.

The OP has posted because she's not cool with it. No-one cares if other
hipsters people are.

[bitpissedoff]

Just taking the boys out for lunch.
Go from feeling fine to destroyed.
Thank you for being here everyone x

[Twinklestein]

Patronisingbitch: Some men cheat.

Sometimes the ex-player stays faithful and the apparently nice guy doesn't. This is hardly rocket science, but it does not add up to most men, you're simply incorrect there.

If most men of your acquaintance have cheated then I suggest you change your acquaintance...

[bitpissedoff]

I think it has really highlighted what incredibly joy self esteem I have.
that is something I need to work on.

[LilyPotter]

patronisingbitch SO glad I don't know you, or your male friends in RL.

Intimate kissing is infidelity, in most people's books. Everyone does NOT do it.

You mix in some sad circles if you believe otherwise.

[Fontella]

Wow - poor bloke can't go anywhere without some female throwing herself at him - texting him, chasing him. Can't even go for a piss in a pub without some predatory female following him and making him kiss her.

As others have said .. what a complete and utter load of bollocks.

He's a player OP.

[Fairenuff]

Intimate kissing is infidelity, in most people's books.

Of course it is. Why else would people lie about it or try to hide it. They would get home from a night out and tell their partner, 'Cor I had a right lovely snog this evening, how about you?'

If it's no big deal, why not just agree that that's what you are both going to do when you are away from each other. Or are those saying it's nothing really just being selfish and trying to justify why they lie to their 'loved' ones.

[TheJiminyConjecture]

Incidentally OP, I think you should name change to Fucking furious or similar because it's absolutely your right to be angry and feel let down. You are worth more than this. Whatever anyone else thinks about kissing outside of a relationship is almost irrelevant. You didn't sign up for a relationship where kissing other people was ok. Therefore it's not ok.

[HereBeHubbubs]

If your partner wants to kiss another woman - and actually does it - he has no respect for you. It's infidelity in my book and I would toss a long term relationship away over it.

[Wrapdress]

I bet he followed her to the restroom.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

Lily Potter, don't try so hard. I'm claiming to be the patronising person round here.

incredibly cool? not me. merely mumsnetters past, present and future. not today, not on this thread, but that's mn for you.

If most men of your acquaintance have cheated then I suggest you change your acquaintance
this is the one that makes me laugh. If you think most men of your acquaintance haven't or wouldn't twinks, then I suggest you open your eyes.

[LilyPotter]

There are certainly men/women out there that I wouldn't put it past to cheat. But few, if any, of my actual friends.

[Eminado]

Wow - poor bloke can't go anywhere without some female throwing herself at him - texting him, chasing him. Can't even go for a piss in a pub without some predatory female following him and making him kiss her.

As others have said .. what a complete and utter load of bollocks.

He's a player OP

Exactly this.
He is not really very sorry is he?
He didn't confess - you dragged it out of him.
He takes no responsibility for his part in the situation.

These factors make it a deal breaker for me. He will do this again if you let it go.

Also doubt it was "just a kiss".

I feel sorry for you OP, it is a mess. Created by him, btw.

[JustAShopGirl]

Kissing others is not ok, but people make mistakes sometimes. People admit to those mistakes sometimes too. Some others hide them.

You have to decide is it a big enough issue to chuck away 12 years, 2 kids together and divide up a property?

It would not be the end of my marriage. I would be sad, be furious, be fuming AT HIM, but we'd work something out - because for me personally a kiss is not worth changing 4 peoples lives forever.

[ThisFenceIsComfy]

I would lay money on this being half a story. My dad was a prolific liar but he would always start with a watered down version of the truth.

Think through your options:

Do nothing, try and forget it
.
Stay angry and keep bringing it up
.
Take some leave and go away by yourself for a weekend to clear your head
.
Suggest counselling
.
Suggest a temporary seperation
.
Split up

Just some options. You can do one or some of them or think of a different way forward.

But you need to think of a plan that will make YOU feel better, that will help you deal with this. I wouldn't give two flying fucks about his feelings right now.

[SelfLoathing]

^If most men of your acquaintance have cheated then I suggest you change your acquaintance
this is the one that makes me laugh. If you think most men of your acquaintance haven't or wouldn't twinks, then I suggest you open your eyes.

I definitely agree with "most would". A lot of this is your own experience and what you get to see and I agree with patronisingbitch that it is far more common than women appreciate (or are prepared to admit).

If you are a SAHM or working in an environment that is female dominated (ie. more restricted opportunity) then you see a lot less of the ugly coal face. MM are also careful - so judge carefully where to make a play (ie. will be less likely to let other wives know what is going on as fear, rightly, another wife might tell his wife).

I have been repeatedly present when men I would put in the "good guy" category have seriously hit on women. It goes back to what I said about opportunity.

Any working environment where there is a ready made excuse for not being at home (ie. long working hours; trips abroad/away etc), alcohol and women is a recipe for disaster.

& before anything I've said is dismissed "as you would say that OW" - I would point out that I'm not talking about me. I've been an OW once and don't intend to ever do it again. I'm talking about what I have seen in work environments, what male friends have confided in me, the experiences of my single friends etc.

Some times it is really frustrating at how naive women can be about this stuff. Men cheat. They do. It's opportunity based a lot of the time. Keep your eyes open and your wits about you.

And NEVER think "this would never happen to me; my husband would never do this." A lot of the time I think the wife could have headed it off at the pass if she was a bit less trusting.

[Twinklestein]

this is the one that makes me laugh. If you think most men of your acquaintance haven't or wouldn't twinks, then I suggest you open your eyes

Oh yeah here's the bit where the depressed woman says 'all men are cheats, if you say different you're not as wise as me'. Grow up and get some standards. If you want to hang out with sleazes that's up to you. But don't tell me all men are like this just because you don't have the wit to realise they aren't.

Most men of my acquaintance haven't cheated, some have: the proportion is probably fairly representative generally. Which ones will cheat in the long run I've no idea, I know it won't be the ones I expect.

[Fairenuff]

The thing is OP, we all find ourselves in a position to cheat - the attraction to another person, the opportunity, the high chance of no-one finding out, etc. But I never have and never would do that to my partner. Because I know that it would hurt him if he knew. The fact that he doesn't know wouldn't change that. I care about him too much.

Not everyone thinks like that, some (men and women) think it's ok as long as no-one finds out about it. So it's really an individual moral barometer.

And we all judge others by our own standards, so those who wouldn't cheat think it's wrong to do so and those who would think it's ok and everyone does it.

All you need to think about it your own personal stance. For me, if I can't trust my partner then the relationship is over. It's not me ending it, if he lets me down, even once, even if it's a 'mistake', the trust is gone and there ends the relationship. He knows that, I know that and we both make decision based on how highly we value our relationship.