I'm the OW and it's killing me

[ashatteredheart]

I need help. I am so unhappy.

This summer I left my DH of many years standing. We have children together. I got involved with a man on-line who promised me the Earth.. but when I begged for help one night, he ran away and refused to either help or even get in touch. End of relationship. All the more poignant because he knew I had abandonment issues.. yet that is precisely what he did.

But there was someone who helped me. A MM. I know it's not great. I know what I did was wrong. I needed someone and he was there. My self-esteem has been missing for very very many years now due to at times, an emotionally abusive marriage and a horrible family background. This doesn't excuse what I have done.. at times I know I am not thinking straight.

But I can't handle it, it's destroying me. I'm wracked with guilt for his family but I am now in love. Apart from the obvious, he is a lovely man who will not leave his DW because of their children. He gives me the care and attention that I have been craving for half my life. I'm finding it very very difficult to give up. I do't want t let him go..and I have tried several times.

I know there will be some on here who will judge me. And I deserve that. But there is no one who is judging me harsher than myself. Thanks for reading.

No champagne for you either Klokk.

Nicki, I feel your contributions were overly harsh too.

Nobody is saying it's fine to shag other women's husbands, but just as the OP's deleted comment was out of order, so was yours.

There will always be black and white views on this issue, but there was some "grey" input that others may have found supportive.

I can't think why you namechanged for this thread OP. Why not post in your regular posting name and be upfront about it?

Ellen

Thanks for that Luis but I don't think I started out that way. OP's poor me responses irritated me and the thread escalated I have thought about it and I stand by what I said. I think a good dose of reality was long overdue.

What i meant with "wrong forum" was that inevitably the OP will be flamed (rightly or wrongly). Most posters on mumsnet will be provoked and will respond accordingly. That was all I meant.

Abit like me telling my English mates at uni in bristol that I hoped England would loose in the world cup (they played my country;).

That was all

Niki i have Never shagged amybody else's husband and in fact some poor wretch was shagging mine years back.

It lacks common decency to be so judgemental and confrontational to somebody in need of guidance.
It lacks intelligence to believe that a woman couldnt possibly be in pain because she is an other woman.

I think we are just going to have to agree to disagree (strenuously) Klokk.

OP,I'm going ignore the bunfight'ing

I'm not sure if counselling will help until you have dumped MM so how about dumping him immediately. Then you will be free to concerntrate on yourself. Think of how lovely it will be not to have any of this angst in your life.

I would send him a polite email making it clear that you don't want to see him again. There is absolutely no need to do any post breakup analysis - he is married and you don't won't to be with a married man. It really is that simple!

How about
MM,
I have been giving our relationship a lot of thought and I have realised that I don't won't to be involved with you any more. Please don't contact me again as I will not respond to you.

Regards
OP

You might have to include some more info if you have some of his belongings but I think it's best to keep things as short and to the point as possible.

Imagine how you will feel once you are rid of him? You will be free to start the rest of your life unencumbered with this crappy relationship.

"Rudeness" OP?

Posters have taken time & trouble to help you. But you meet anything you don't want to hear with insults & attacks.

Have a look at what posts really sting: it may be that those are the post which say straightforwardly what you can't admit to yourself.

My husband left me in Aug and I found out in Sept he had been seeing the OW he met on a work course. He's now moved to be with her. After 23 years together he's left us (me and my two young children devastated.)

They're probably snuggled up together oblivious to the pain they have caused. I cannot see how anyone can be the OW.

I'm sorry you're probably a perfectly nice person but you need to see things from the other side.

I don't care about OW being in pain. I just don't give a fuck. I don't care about the endless pain, longing and real love.

To be OW shows what you think of yourself. I think it too.

Well, I've just read it all (lord help me), and although I didn't see the deleted comments, I really don't know what the fuss is about Nicki's comments. They seem ok to me.

If op really is a regular, then she would know that she would face a lot of er, lively views on this particular topic.
I also don't think op has had a flaming. Perhaps I've got a hide like a rhino.

My first impression of the op was there's a wee bit of drama there. What is this "when I begged for help one night" stuff? It's a bit OTT and your op touches on why that may be. So it's counselling, continued effort at no contact until it works, and yes, hearing some probably unpleasant truths.

You are a serious piece of work aren't you Nicki

Champagne for everyone! not you OP

OK, bit of background info for you, I am currently seeing the Dr for anxiety and a few years ago tried to commit suicide because I was so profoundly unhappy at the situation I was in. Which was I had DH who would not stop viewing porn. I lived for 10 years with that, drove me to the fucking brink.

But perhaps you will share a vignette of your oh so happy and perfect life you feel you can constantly kick me,

You are so ashamed yet you are happy to carry on fucking a married man?

I really do not know what women like you want to get out of these threads? I am going through a marriage break up and my ex was abusive, does that mean I am going to give up my morals and go for the first man that is nice to me?

You need be happy by yourself before looking for a new relationship. The man has told you he is not going to leave his family so what are you going to do? stick around or move on? I don't get some women desperation of having a man, any man.

Please, read the entire thrad!

I am NOT happy!

I need help!

I posted here to try to get it.

I was in a similar position to you a few years ago OP. I fell for OM. Having said that OM never knew I fancied the pants of him and I never acted on my crush. I went on for about a year. I felt like a teenager again, which is really stupid for a grown up woman. Anyway as my moment of madness did not blow over by itself as I originally tought, I decided to break all contact, not see him again and poor all energy I could muster in my own marriage. Although my relationship is now back in track I sometimes still think of him... I know it is painfull but the only way out is to break contact and find someting to keep you busy. I never acted on my crush but even then I realised I should not keep seeing this man. There is no other way ... Walk away op.

Erm op, you appear to want an argument with me (and others) and I don't want one. So good bye!

I know that jinx and thank you.

all I will say is karma always comes back and kicks you in the face when you least expect it.

Shatteredheart, I meant to make the point at the end of my first para that it doesn't matter what nicki thinks of you or why she is so over zealous in her judgement of you. What matters is what you think of you.

klokken despite what Nicki may believe, I have not reported any one of her (or indeed anyone else's) posts tonight. In fact I have reported three of my own in desperation to get this thread pulled.

I have pointed out to MN that I have MH issues and I am talking to a Dr at the moment.

I too believe that she has been cruel and has revelled in it. I ask her to meet me now, face-to-face and we will discuss this like adults, rather than in the anonymity of cyberspace.