Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Take him back? After 3years?

336 replies

Undecided1999 · 24/10/2014 15:06

Long story short

Was with my partner for 15 years since 21, he left me for OW 3 years ago, just upped and left, no dcs.

I struggled to cope, he moved on with his OW, tried to get money he thought he was ' entitled' to ,they split up after 3months he tried to get back in with me, I said no. We then started to meet up now and again, he said he wanted to maybe give it another go, we weren't sleeping together and where just thinking things through really.

He meets another girl during this time and decides to go with her moves in with her and her children, about six months later he makes contact with me me and says he isn't happy again can he come home? I wasn't strong enough at this point so kept him at arms length, text now and again.

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mums, he says he cares about the other girl, but chooses me over her, he says he loves me and never stopped loving me the time we where apart.

I want to try again but feel I can't trust him, we met for dinner last night these are some of the things he said

  1. He will miss how she looks
  2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
  3. She is too stressful for him
  4. She is putting pressure on for marriage
  5. She wants him to buy a house with her
  6. The children are not his
  7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her
  8. He chooses me over her
  9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday
10. He wants to try again and move back in with me 11. He wants marriage and children with me 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

Should I give it a go with him? I feel like it's now or never for me I've been alone since he left by choice and would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good.

OP posts:
Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:26

my skin is aquamarine in colour, has been since birth and i can breath underwater through my gills.

Its true because i said it. Despite the fact that if i posted a photo of myself here, what you would see is a geeky white girl with no gills..........

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:27

Niamh your last post has struck a cord with me, you're right he has done nothing for me at all.

I feel like he has kicked me in the stomach over and over again all while he says he lives me

He sees me as a doormat doesn't he? My love for him is my weakness and he knows it, he uses it against me

OP posts:
momb · 28/10/2014 22:28

I'm not asking if he makes you feel cherished. That is patently clear from your posts. I am telling (advising) you to back the hell away from anyone who makes you feel second best/in need of improvement and find the ability to like and respect yourself. He left you in horrible circumstances and three years later you are still holding a candle. Blow the bloody candle out and work on your self esteem before you get involved with anyone at all (and preferably not him) until you are completely happy in your own skin and able to loved on your own terms.

aylesburyduck · 28/10/2014 22:28

I will guarantee that if you tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then keep going he will start flinging insults at you.

This man is a pathetic waste of space and it is time you kicked him out of your life. Take off your rose tinted glasses, knock him off the pedestal you've put him on and make tomorrow the day you take your first steps into your future without him.

He's a twat. He doesn't love you, you are a convenient stop gap. I am being harsh but only because I don't want to read in a year that hes pulled a number on you.

Good luck OP

Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:32

Exactly undecided Someone who emotionally kicks and punches you the way he does doesn't love you.

You need to respect yourself more. Nobody is able to do this for you.

You need to text him and say. There will be no moving in. Not now, not ever. please do not contact me again in any way or I will contact the police.

Then, you need to go completely no contact. It will hurt, but it will go away. But only if you maintain complete no contact. Move on get a new hobby like other posters have suggested.

Stop letting him wipe his shit covered feet all over you.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:33

I don't mind the harsh comments I need to hear them :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:35

I was his queen once now he treats me within contempt

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:35

With

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:36

15 years wasted

OP posts:
Allhallowspeeve · 28/10/2014 22:37

You will never find the answers your looking for because the problems lie within him.

You can't trust a word he says and youhave to jolt yourself out of this day dream along memory lane.

You are the only one causing your misery at the moment, you are allowing him in to your life.

whyMe2014 · 28/10/2014 22:38

Please put yourself first and run away from this man - you deserve better.
Don't waste anymore time on him.

I took my partner back after being apart for 6 months in 1998 (he left for OW). After being married for 14 years he's left me and my two children this August for another OW.

They don't change. I wish I had been brave enough in 1998 to say 'no'.

Fontella · 28/10/2014 22:39

He can be so lovely to me and times and when we were together I was happy for many many years, but I do feel he is manipulative

FFS OP - reading your posts makes me want to scream. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but honestly. Forget about 'how lovely he can be' - he has left you and gone off and fucked two other women!!! Lovely my arse!

As for the I do feel he is manipulative – what do you mean 'feel'? He IS manipulative - it's as plain as as bloody day ... and he's playing you like a Stradivarius.

Just read back through this thread - read everything you've told us, read the responses, and keep reading until the penny finally drops. He's a grade A arsehole - selfish, manipulative, unfaithful, patronising, shallow, a cheat, a liar, thinks he's God's Gift, Jack the Lad, Brad Pitt .. all rolled into one. Sat there making his lists vis-a-vis the attributes of his various women - she's better in bed than you, got a better figure than you, but she's too 'stressful' whereas loyal old you ain't. You're just a bit on the porky side according to Brad, so you'll be needing to lose a bit of weight on his account. Arrogant prick.

Gather up what bit of self esteem you've got left after 15 years of having this arsehole in your life and tell him to fuck off.

Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:40

ONCE is they key word here. Not anymore. Now, like you said he treats you like a doormat, he treats you with contempt.

This is not a man who loves you, this is a man who is taking advantage of you. He knows that you still love the person he pretended so well to be and so he is using that again to get his feet TEMPORARILY under the table.

If you carry on this way and don't get him out of your life you will NEVER have real love, children or the relationship you deserve. NEVER. He is not the person that can give this to you.

You have to accept that and cut him out of your life.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:40

Why me I'm so sorry, I can't understand these men and how they act with no remorse or conscience

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:43

Fontella he told me last night that him and a friend from the pub where going through the pros and cons and they weren't any cons with me - liar! How about me being porky :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:44

I know this is make or break I told him that I don't have anymore time to waste

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:46

Part of me wants to drive to his exes and see if he is there, but it's not my style and what difference does it make really?

OP posts:
Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:48

You need to stop trying to understand him. I have an exercise for you. On a piece of paper draw a circle approximately 4" in diameter. Now draw another circle around this one Leaving 2" between the small circle and the larger one.

In the small circle, i want you to write all the things about your life and this situation that you can control. For example, losing weight, going no contact is in your control, so this would go in the small circle.

In the bigger circle, write all the things you cant control such as the fact that you cant make him treat you right, you cant make him be faithful. You get the idea.

try not to make it all about him though. It should really give you some perspective on what you can and cannot do. then you need to take control of the things that are in the small circle and ignore the rest.

cerealqueen · 28/10/2014 22:48

You'll be far more lonely IN this relationship than being on your own.

Please listen to the great advice here and ask him to leave your life for good.

Fontella · 28/10/2014 22:49

Fontella he told me last night that him and a friend from the pub where going through the pros and cons

Well if that sentence alone doesn't tell you what an arrogant fucking arsehole he is, I don't know what else will.

He's sat in the pub with his mate doing a compare/contrast about you and OW. For that alone I'd drop kick his arse into outer space.

Get rid OP. Seriously. You get one life and you've wasted too much of it on this prick. I don't think I've ever felt so angry reading a thread on here.

Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:50

DO NOT drive to his ex's. it would achieve nothing, You need to stop trying to second guess him or understand him. He is showing you who he is you just need to pay attention.

By telling him you have no more time to waste you are showing him how desperate you are. He WONT give you what you want or need. How many more times do we need to say it?

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 23:07

Thank you all so much, this is really helping me gain some insight, he's a user he sees me as a soft landing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 23:08

It's a very very painful realisation but he doesn't love me

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 23:09

He's selfish he is thinking of his own interests

OP posts:
Zucker · 28/10/2014 23:12

You can never get those 15 years back they are finished and over. No point in pining for them in some sort of loves-young-dream-lost fantasy you've built up over this man.

The reason you've not met anyone else is because you are still for some reason obsessed with this man. Other people can pick this up from your demeanour.

He says jump, you say how high? You are not in control of this "relationship" He and the girlfriend are deciding your life for you. I think he's after what ever cash you have, he has tried this before hasn't he? Once he's bled you dry this time he'll be off with a younger model, he'll marry her within a year and they'll have the children.

No contact, no crying sessions, no emails, no texts to or from this chancer.

(sorry to be so blunt, but you need to wake up from the fog you're drifting along in!)