Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Take him back? After 3years?

336 replies

Undecided1999 · 24/10/2014 15:06

Long story short

Was with my partner for 15 years since 21, he left me for OW 3 years ago, just upped and left, no dcs.

I struggled to cope, he moved on with his OW, tried to get money he thought he was ' entitled' to ,they split up after 3months he tried to get back in with me, I said no. We then started to meet up now and again, he said he wanted to maybe give it another go, we weren't sleeping together and where just thinking things through really.

He meets another girl during this time and decides to go with her moves in with her and her children, about six months later he makes contact with me me and says he isn't happy again can he come home? I wasn't strong enough at this point so kept him at arms length, text now and again.

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mums, he says he cares about the other girl, but chooses me over her, he says he loves me and never stopped loving me the time we where apart.

I want to try again but feel I can't trust him, we met for dinner last night these are some of the things he said

  1. He will miss how she looks
  2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
  3. She is too stressful for him
  4. She is putting pressure on for marriage
  5. She wants him to buy a house with her
  6. The children are not his
  7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her
  8. He chooses me over her
  9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday
10. He wants to try again and move back in with me 11. He wants marriage and children with me 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

Should I give it a go with him? I feel like it's now or never for me I've been alone since he left by choice and would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:00

All though the breakup I kept my dignity I never got into slagging matches even when the OW sent me awful texts, or when he tried to take me to court, I haven't had sex with him because I didn't want him to take advantage of me and I haven't given him money.

But my heart I can't help but give that to him, because he is still deep inside me, he has moved on I have not

OP posts:
BogStandardOldWoman · 28/10/2014 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:04

Seriously love, get some bloody self respect.

Whats going to happen is he is going to move back in, because you will let him, you know you will.

Then, he will treat you like shit, wont have sex with you, will dangle marriage and babies like a carrot in front of a donkey all the while fucking other women behind your back.

Mind you, considering what little self respect you have he could probably bring them home one by one and fuck them in front of you on the sofa and you would still say 'but i love him'

Then, he will leave you again, probably for someone slimmer and younger. Then you will be back to square one.

Aladyinsane · 28/10/2014 22:04

The last point in your OP is a big, fat (pun intended) NO!!!

No one ever has the right to tell you you 'have' to lose weight. What a dick.

You can do better, have some faith in yourself. You do NOT need a man like that in your life.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:05

You have no idea how much this is helping me and making me stronger xx

OP posts:
Itsfab · 28/10/2014 22:06

Your reply to half my last post makes me think like you think you have control over what happens in this relationship. You do not.

Nothing will change other than you will hate yourself more and more as time goes on and then you will be left with nothing when he leaves you for someone else,

Good luck

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:07

Niamh, he's wanted to come back before and I have said no, I have thought about a few years down the line, I know what you guys are saying is true but I'm hanging on to the past :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:09

Thanks itsfab

OP posts:
Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:10

I'm sorry I know I sound like pathetic idiot :-( I'm just feeling really low tonight

OP posts:
Itsfab · 28/10/2014 22:10

When I allowed a man to break my heart for the umpteenth time he told me actions are what matters.

Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:11

He is a nasty habit you need to break. You CAN break it, you just don't want to.

1, Block his number
2, Block his email
3, Ignore all attempts at contact and move on.

He is a twat, he is not your happy ending. He is not the man you once knew.

You have to ACCEPT that and fuck him off for good. OR spend the rest of your life in utter misery.

Your choice.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:13

Niamh how can someone change so much? I knew him for so long

OP posts:
Spopssas · 28/10/2014 22:15

Don't. Nothing more to say.

caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 22:16

There's a site called baggage reclaim which I think you might find helpful. Not necessarily to buy her courses but to focus yourself on your own needs so you can act in your best interests. You've got 3 pages of people saying no and you haven't yet said OK, no more of this crap.

momb · 28/10/2014 22:16

Use the strength you are getting from the support from here and build a life for yourself. Have fun, meet new people, date maybe, but do something for yourself. If you want to lose weight, do it. But....do not, repeat do not, do anything for him, to win back or 'earn' his love. If, on having found and learned to like yourself, he is still around and you still want him, then maybe go for it, but right now, where you are right now, do not get involved with anyone who makes you feel anything less than the one they want right in that moment.
Find and like your true self before making this decision. Having someone around who makes you feel second best isn't going to get you where you need to be in the medium/long term.......so why are you considering this negative person from your past?

caringdenise009 · 28/10/2014 22:17

Ten pages actually

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:17

It's fab my brain knows that by my heart is different

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 28/10/2014 22:19

Nonononononono!

NO

And again, No!!

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:20

Caring, I've been in there ironically !

Momb he certainly doesn't make me feel cherished no :-)

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 28/10/2014 22:20

This guy is a total cunt.

He doesn't love you, doesn't love anyone. Doesn't have the capacity to love.

His protestations of love and tears are fake. He's just after you for your money and a convenient place to live.

For the sake of your own self respect, listen to all the posters on this thread.

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:21

How can a man who I have loved for so long string me along like this and lie and lie how?

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 28/10/2014 22:21

No no no. You can do so much better. He sounds like a twat! I'm guessing the two other women worked out that he is a twat hence he lives with his mummy. Delete his number and email. Delete him from Facebook etc. change your number.

Don't even consider it!

Niamhisnotarealname · 28/10/2014 22:22

People change undecided its the way it is. He was always this person. He showed that by cheating on you the first time.

When someone shows you who they are. LISTEN

Actions speak louder than words. He has done NOTHING to show you that he is repentant, that he has changed, that he cares about you. Absolutely nothing.

All he has given you is words. People can say anything they want If someone says they love you and then they punch you in the face, which do you believe, the words or the action?

Original poster
Undecided1999 · 28/10/2014 22:23

I know deep down he doesn't love me like I want him too, I know what he is like when he loves someone or something he gives it all his attention

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 28/10/2014 22:25

He strings you along so he has a fall back plan. Move in with you until a more suitable (in his eyes) woman comes along. Guess living with you he gets stuff mummy doesn't provide.

Sorry op, I feel really mean for writing that, but please don't fall for his bull shit. Don't analyse him he isn't worth it.

Go join a club, get a hobby, meet new people, forget he exists.