Take him back? After 3years?

[Undecided1999]

Long story short

Was with my partner for 15 years since 21, he left me for OW 3 years ago, just upped and left, no dcs.

I struggled to cope, he moved on with his OW, tried to get money he thought he was ' entitled' to ,they split up after 3months he tried to get back in with me, I said no. We then started to meet up now and again, he said he wanted to maybe give it another go, we weren't sleeping together and where just thinking things through really.

He meets another girl during this time and decides to go with her moves in with her and her children, about six months later he makes contact with me me and says he isn't happy again can he come home? I wasn't strong enough at this point so kept him at arms length, text now and again.

Situation is now this he has left the girl he was living with and is staying at his mums, he says he cares about the other girl, but chooses me over her, he says he loves me and never stopped loving me the time we where apart.

I want to try again but feel I can't trust him, we met for dinner last night these are some of the things he said

1. He will miss how she looks
2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume)
3. She is too stressful for him
4. She is putting pressure on for marriage
5. She wants him to buy a house with her
6. The children are not his
7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her
8. He chooses me over her
9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday

10. He wants to try again and move back in with me 11. He wants marriage and children with me 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach - he makes me feel inferior looks wise, I am overweight but I'm not unattractive

Should I give it a go with him? I feel like it's now or never for me I've been alone since he left by choice and would like to be in a realtionship again, if I don't do this now I will have to move on for good.

I have only read the first OP
no other replies and can only say

All the flowery talk in the world, "until the next one comes along"

I'm a loyal caring person who is holding onto the old him, he knows that and is playing me to suit him, it hasn't worked out with the latest gf so go back to undecided she won't let me down

Undecided, sorry to be harsh in my previous post. But I'm glad our posts are helping you come to a realisation that this guy is an asshole. It's rare that everybody on a thread agrees on MN, I hope that helps you to realise there's something in what we say. What do your friends think of this guy?

They think he's a waste of space

A couple have said give it a go if you want but on,y because I think they think it's the only way I'll be able to move on, try it and it won't work out then I can draw a line under it iykwim

Undecided, you are no-one's second best or consolation prize. You deserve someone who makes you sing, not a loser who makes you feel shit about yourself.

Believe in yourself and dump him. Let him down, see how he likes it.

They think he's a waste of space

That's because he is.

Not just a waste of space - but a waste of time - your time - and he's used up too much of that already. 18 years or so?

And he's wasting your time here tonight, thinking about him and writing about him, tying yourself up in knots over him.

You are NEVER, EVER, EVER going to move on until you kick this fucker into touch once and for all. You are living on memories of someone that only exists in your imagination, if he ever existed at all.

The real man - the flesh and blood one, planning to move back in with you on Sunday unless you tell him NO - is a total arsehole who will bring you nothing but grief.

Your friends know it, everyone reading this thread knows it and you know it OP.

Fontella I do, I've always had this voice inside me holding me back from him i need to focus on that and listen to it.

My heart wanted him back but my stomach was in knots at the weekend thinking about it.

What he is doing is emotional abuse isn't it? He is abusing me

Yes. He is.

15 years wasted is better than 20 years wasted, or 30 years wasted.

If he really wanted YOU back, he would be wining and dining you, he'd be overjoyed and texting and calling, he'd be telling you how wonderful you are. He'd be willing to earn back your trust by REFUSING to move in until you felt secure again.

I'm sorry honey, but it's your house he wants.

I went back, it doesn't work. I'm now picking up the pieces again. Don't do this to yourself.

I bet if you look back over those 15 years, you will find examples of what a selfish shit he was then too. He hasn't changed, he was always this way, he just hid it better.

This is him, not you. He thinks he either has a right to use people (and justify it to himself somehow), or he has no empathy and no conscience.

Please don't do this, you are a little further down the road of getting your life back, don't throw that away.

oh undecided, this is so painful to read. Your pain is palpable.

It sounds to me like you've made him your be-all and end-all, your reason for living; almost worshipping him? Perhaps he also encouraged you to do that, to worship the ground he walks on. It must have been excruciatingly painful when he left you. Perhaps you've not come to terms with that - which is understandable, it can cut so deep.

Now he's playing around with you... and I have to agree with everyone on these 12 pages that he is using you. For money? Easy life? Definitely a fallback. His latest girlfriend has chucked him out, that is obvious (he said he could choose her but he is choosing you: he is lying imo).

I don't know if he was always as revolting but he is certainly revolting now. I'm wondering if you transferred all your family love onto him when you lost your parents. Which may be one of the reasons you find it so hard to let go. It's as if he is your identity to you.

well, he isn't. He's just one human being among billions. He also seems to be a particularly unpleasant one, who is using you, exploiting your vulnerable and broken heart (which he broke). I dread to think what he's really up to - I sincerely hope you never find out the full extent. But you will find out if you allow him back in - I am concerned it could break you completely.

Please get some proper counselling asap to work this out. Not short-term counselling eg 6 weeks - there is some deep-seated stuff here which, in a way, is more about you than about him (even though he is being revolting).

Please, be strong darling. You know what you have to do

15 years weren't wasted. You loved, properly. Those years weren't a waste because he isn't capable of the same.

The thing I notice OP is you SAY want a future... love, marriage, kids... but you don't. If you really did why are you pining for a guy who doesn't want you? You've been broken up for 3 years. He's had 2 other partners (that you know of) and he's closer to a future. You're a stop-gap. A back-up that he strings along until something better comes along. You don't have a future with this person.

1. He will miss how she looks "you aren't as attractive"
2. He will miss the closeness they have (sex I presume) "I'm not over her, I just don't wanna live with mum"
3. She is too stressful for him "Here's a bullshit reason to make you feel like you can be what I need and it''ll stop you being annoying"
4. She is putting pressure on for marriage "She really wants to be with me, take note."
5. She wants him to buy a house with her "You already have a house that I get the benefit of without actually having the commitment"
6. The children are not his "I don't like responsibility"
7. If I didn't exist he might try to make it work with her "I don't have a strong attachment to you or her, this is about me"
8. He chooses me over her "Aren't you SO lucky I'm picking you?!"
9. He loves me and thinks of me everyday "While sleeping with someone else, living with someone else, and raising her kids I'm thinking about you. I'm SO faithful."

10. He wants to try again and move back in with me "I'm sick of responsibility. Support me financially again" 11. He wants marriage and children with me "Tie yourself to me and good luck getting rid of me next time!" 12. When he hugged me goodnight he said' you'll have too lose some of this' and patted my stomach "Ignore anything I just said that sounded good. This is what I really think of you. I'm not attracted to you but you have what I need and I've got you wrapped around my finger.

It's not easy to turn off feelings OP but he's been stringing you along for THREE years. You were 35. You're 38 now. Every year you spend pining for him hurts your future, not his.

You haven't wasted 15 years with this idiot. You don't need to stay with him in order to make it worthwhile. You're 38. That's 23 years you HAVEN'T wasted with this guy. You live to the ripe old age of 100 and that's 85 years you didn't waste on this guy.

Think of the future you're gaining by finally getting rid of him. Think of the partner that will love and adore you for you. That is not this guy. He's a leech. Don't let him waste your future.

Please don't let your heart rule your head on this one.

What do you think he is telling her - that he loves you more than her? I don't think so!

A friend told me that if she found her DH had cheated on her, then she would end their relationship because the respect had gone.

Do you think he respects you? I don't think so!

Don't be a doormat, be brave, think of your future, tell him to f* off and move on.

Please pay attention to his actions, NOT his words!

My exH (16yrs wasted with him) always said the right things but treated me badly.

DP doesn't make verbal declarations of undying love BUT he treats me well, gets up in the night to get me a hot water bottle etc, cooks for me, cares for me.

At first it was a huge culture shock and I was confused because it was so different. Then I read about the five love languages and realised that he expressed love differently to my ex.

I paid attention to my exs words because I have a good memory for words. Actions are always more important than words.

A lot of people have taken time to give you excellent advice.
I think you will ignore it and go back with him anyway
Good luck.

OP, you really sound all at sea. I think you need A PLAN.

If this guy really is as desperate as he says he is to be with you, for good, then he will wait. Make him wait.

If you can't go no contact with him, tell him to leave you alone for 6 months. Use that time to look at yourself - not him, not the past, not his-and-your future, but at yourself. Look at why you can't let go, why you have such a weak spot here, and how you can change.

You need professional help here. Try a few different counsellors, psychologists, psychotherapists, until you find one you click with. You have the resources, it sounds like - this is the best thing you could invest in.

All of this will take time, and by being swept up in his bullshit he is stealing that time from you.

If he is genuine, he will happily wait 6 months until you're ready.
If he isn't, then he will try and push things along more quickly. This is a sign to you that he doesn't care about you. He only cares about himself.

Please, please invest some time and money in your own self-worth. It will change your life.

FWIW, OP, I would give the exact same advice to someone who had the perfect man knocking at their door. If someone doesn't know themselves, then they can't negotiate relationships in a way that is beneficial to them.

But I think we can all agree that we're not talking about the perfect man here.

wow, great overnight replies.

Aylesbury had a very very good point -try saying no to him! Say no, I don't want you to move in. Dress it up as you want wooing, courting, for a few months (like 6!) And see how long it takes before the insults and anger and manipulation starts.
Aren't you worth courting? If he really wants and loves you, he will be happy to, won't he? It'll be nice, won't it? What's the hurry???
Hmm.

I second the poster upthread who said:

NO WAY IN THIS OR ANY OTHER LIFETIME !

OP, you have had some great responses and advice. This "man" is not worth it.

undecided, I'm pretty sure you are going to ignore the very sensible advice you have been given( in spades) on this thread. Of course that's up to you. But bear in mind that none of us know you or have any vested interest yet there is 100% agreement that letting this idiot come back is wrong for you.

He's let you down over and over and will continue to do so for however long you choose to let him. Another year? Five years? Fifty? Up to you. They will be miserable years because you will never trust him and he will make sure you remember you are second ( third, fourth?) best. He's a fucking disaster and you do not need or will ever need him wrecking your life.

I know this last bit of advice will get flamed, but if you really need confirmation of his commitment to you go out for a drink and ask to see his phone. He won't let you have it and you know why. If you think I'm right then you don't need to put yourself through this and will simply text him as previously suggested then block his number.

Please.

Undecided, imagine this:

You have saved and saved to buy yourself a brand new car. You see an advertisement for the same type of car you have had in the past. It says "Buy me! My parts will rust, I am an uncomfortable ride, my brakes are shit, my seats aren't fixed in properly, I have no airbags! But I will keep the rain off your head (until my roof rusts and leaks)"

Would you spend your hard-earned, hard-saved cash on it?

No.

And why not? Because it's a supremely inferior product. It doesn't give you any of what you want or need in a car. It's not even pretending to give you what you want or need.

Your ex is an inferior product. There will be- there are- other men out there who would be only too glad to give you all you want.

Don't waste yourself on an inferior product. You are worth far more.

Picture your life in a year's time..........